~Sappy love songs help me when I'm feeling down.

~Sometimes it's music that keeps me sane.

~I write some of my best poetry when I think about one particular person.

~People think I'm crazy because I sing along to the radio in my Blazer, but I don't care.

~I love to dance around my house when no one is watching.

~I don't know what I'd do if someone told me I was no longer allowed to write.

~I love to quote movies.

I'm thankful for many things this year.

My family

My friends

all the gifts God has given me

Hope

Good food, good friends, and great conversations

My talents

The love of my family and friends.

The chane to live

The chance to love.

Night before Thanksgiving cook-a-thons

Up all night making Turducken . (I'll explain what that is sometime)

My life.

Warmth.

Home.

• the only thing that hurt was a skinned knee or a bruise.


• boys/girls had cooties, and you were afraid to catch them


• boys were/girls were incredibly icky.


• you had no clue what it meant to have your heart broken.


• check yes or no notes were how you found out whether someone liked you.


• you called the boy/girl you liked and hung up at least five times before you talked to them.


• pogs were cool.


• you discovered that the boy/girl you thought was disgusting suddenly gave you butterflies


• you got your first crush.


• you went to your first dance.


• you signed yearbooks with things like: HAKAS, LYLAS, KIT, DEC


• you got your first kiss.


• your biggest worry was not how you looked in front of the person you liked.


• there was always cookies and milk for snack.


• koolaid and lemonade were the best things to drink.


• there was always room for jello.


• you looked forward to high school.


• prom was your dream come true and you had it all planned out(girls)


• you couldn't wait to drive.

Today someone very dear to my heart turns 18. Yayness, love, you are finally legal. I'll reserve the skirt and pants to wear the next time I see you. Man, I hope that it's soon.

I'm going to do several things. I'm going to get in shape. I need to get back to a healthy weight and lifestyle anyway, but I also want to look good the next time I see a certain someone. Cross your fingers it may be soon. I'm going to chill out and calm down. I don't know, maybe yoga will help me. Can't hurt. I'm going to call a certain someone and tell him everything. I've needed to do that for a long time, but I'm going to do it no matter what happens or how it hurts.

I'm going to go now cuase I've got to get ready for my Mock Trial class. MTSU Invitational Friday and Saaturday.

Can't Stop Loving You
By Phil Collins

So you leavin' in
the mornin'
on the early train.

Well I could say
everything's all right
and I could pretend
and say goodbye

Got your ticket
got your suitcase
got your leaving smile

Oh I could say that's the way it goes
and I could pretend you won't know
That I was lying...

Chorus:
Cuz I can't stop loving you
No I can't stop loving you
No I won't stop loving you
Why should I?

We Took a taxi
to the station
not a word was said
and I saw you walk across the road
for maybe the last time, I don't know

Feeling humble
heard a rumble on the railway track
and when I hear the whistle blow
I'll walk away and you won't know
that I'll be crying...

[Chorus]

Even try,
I'll always be here by your side.
Why, why, why?
I never wanted to say goodbye,
Why even try?
I'm always here, if you change,
change your mind.

So you're leavin'
in the mornin'
on the early train

Well, I could say everything's alright
and I could pretend and say goodbye
But that would be lying...

Chorus 2x

Why should I?
Why should I?
Why should I, even try?

Chorus
Why should I?
Why should I?
Dunno why
Why should I?
Why should I, even try?

They've played this song on the radio a lot, and it really applies to my situation. Because when he left I tried to pretend it wasn't killing me, but in the end I couldn't. And I can't seem to just forget him or move on. I don't think I really want to anyway, but even if I did I couldn't. Because I can't stop loving him, and as horrible as it sounds, I tried. I was hurting and was trying anything to make the hurt go away. It was so strange and part of me didn't believe it was happening. I kept thinking someone was going to pop out and say gotcha, but they didn't.

The other day I started thinking about what I am and what I'm not. It was strange because it just sort of hit me all of a sudden.

I am...
smart.
country.
chicken.
strange.
a girl.
a young adult.
hurt.
sad, sometimes.
missing you more than I should probably.
in love with you even if you don't know it.
German, Cherokee, and Irish.
goofy.
But most of all I am human. (Something I sometimes fail to remember that.)

I am not...
mindless.
fluff. (by this I mean I'm not all giggles)
beautiful.
stupid.
all about appearances.
superficial.
a goody-goody.
perfect.
an angel.
But most of all I'm not a Wonderwoman. (I try to do too much when I know I should just chill out.)

Some of you may know who the person mentioned is. If you do congratulations.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and some crying. I can't believe that it has all come own to this. I had a lot of hope and faith that it would be o.k. That you would come back, but now I'm having trouble believing.

These are two pictures I keep loking at when I think about it all. Pictures of you and me. I want to be happy but everything is getting all out of hand and screwed up.

I'm starting to think that I can't win this fight. That I lost when he left. I want so bad to believe that you arecoming back, but I'm starting to worry that I've been stupid believing at all. I guess I really messed up when I let you go without finding out how you felt about me and what was going on between us the whole time. I stayed confused and didn't really outright ask. I was afraid of all of it. I was afraid of what could be going on, of what could happen. I let my fear stop me, and it still holds me back. I don't call and talk about it because I'm so nervous and unsure. The last thing I want is to cause that wierd tension between us, that would make it uncomfortable to be around each other, and I don't want to ruin a great friendship. I haven't talk to you in a month and I miss you. I want to know, but I'm afraid to know. I'm scared and hurt.

But I also feel like I let you down and myself. Because you believed in me and stood there beside me. I gave up on you I guess and I keep quitting and chickening out. But I don't what to do. I tried to fight I tried to believe and call and everything, but I'm just not strong enough, or brave enough. I'm sorry; I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go now before I drive everyone nuts.

Forever yours, Lucky

So yeah last night was Halloween. Here are some pictures of my dad's pumpkins. I don't have any pictures of me as Bad Sandy to put up right now.

They are always really good.

I gave out candy at my house as usual. I aw some really cute costumes on the little kinds. There were several kids dressed up as Spiderman, a few Batman costumes, and several princesses and witches. I also saw a couple of vampires and on kid dressed as Flash and one as the Thing. There was a little kid in a Wolverine costume who when I said "Oh look it's Wolverine." corrected me and informed me that he was a vampire. All in all it was interesting.

Hey look its a picture of my ear.

So this is a really random picture of me that I thought would be cool. I like it and decided to use it as my profile picture.

So yeah I'm gonna go to class. I'll probably have some pictures from tonight of me in my Halloween costume and getting ready soon.

I guess that makes me a princess.

Cause I'm in search of one.

I miss you more and more.

Something I try to do alot.

Cause I'm still the Faeri Princess. (Old nicknames die hard.)

Do you ever get the feeling you are running straight toward something you want or need to do and then you run right into a brick wall? And you just want to scream or cry? But you know that it won't make it better. Sometimes I feel that way. Actually I feel that way a lot lately.

There's of course the guy you poor readers have been putting up with me going on about. I'm pathetic I know. There's just something that draws me to him, and part of me doesn't want to like him anymore, doesn't want to have to go through this. But then part of me, the majority, wants to like him, to feel the way I do about him. Thats the part that really does care about him and wants him home. And I'm confused and he's 1400 miles away and I don't get to see him or talk to him much.

There's also mock trial, which I really like. But I've spent so much time on it and I don't think I'm improving much. Plus I got switched from the team I was on. Sometimes I just feel like I'm doing terrible and that I'm hurting my team. I try so hard and I mess up something every time I get up there. It's driving me crazy. I just keep working though cause I've got to.

---

On a more positive note. However crazy mock trial is driving me, I'm excited about the scrimmage Saturday at Vandy. I'm memorizing rules and questions and my defense opening (I'm a little nervous, but excited) so I'll be as ready as possible. I'm nervous cause it's like the tournament Middle is hosting in November.

Then there is of course I'm finally getting a new phone in November. No more crappy phone that doesn't work half the time. Yayness. I've had this crappy one for two years and it is really messed up. It doesn't pick up, it doesn't ring, it freezes, and my screen goes blank. I've had so much trouble with the phone that I'd toss it right now, but I've got to have a phone and I've got a bunch of txt messages saved cause they are really cute or sweet.

Forever yours, Lucky

I've been doing some thinking again, and it occured to me how much I miss him.

I miss...
his hugs
his face (I know strange, but seeing him)
his kiss
his smell (There's just something about Kilo on him)
lunch sitting next to him
history with him
the random comments about the things I wear
his smile
his laugh

See I miss him so much andso much about him, but I don't think he knows at all.

Forever yours, Lucky

I've decided what I'm going to dress up as. I know, I know pathetic, an 18 year old girl still dressing up for Halloween, but what can I say? Well anyway I've been watching Grease again cause it is one of the best movies ever. I love it. Well I'm going to be Sandy, but not goody two shoes Sandy. I'm going to be Bad Sandy from the end of the movie. What do you think? Can I pull it off? I think so. Well at least I can try.

 Forever yours, Lucky

What I need is strength. What I need is courage. What I need is someone to kick me in the butt and say just do it. But for some reason nobody can help me, probably because this is something I have to do on my own really. I get to the point whereI'm going to hit the send button but then I can't. I chicken out. Or I do manage to hit the button, but I can't leave him a message that says what I need to say and I chickened out the last time he called back. I'm still kicking myself for not just putting it out there the last time I saw him. But I really didn't want to make things weird or add some kind of tension to the last time I was going to see him for a long time, you know. I was also scared of what was going on, of the fact that for once in my life I couldn't think my way out of this, of getting hurt, of hurting someone else. By the time I realized that scared wasn't going to get me out is was too late. He was gone and I had screwed up.

Forever yours, Lucky

I find myself thinking about high school and what seems like just yesterday, but really is almost a year ago. I do it all the time. I miss waking up and meeting my little group of friends every morning (no offense Jenna, you know what I mean.) The jokes may have been stupid and the same ones over and over but they were still funny. I miss the sense of being together and being safe. Sounds dumb I know, but I mean you knew people and you could count on them. I miss having lunch with the best of friends making stupid jokes and random comments about what we were wearing. I miss it so much. I miss Drama. I love you guys always as one of the best families a girl could have. I miss knowing that there was a show to do and a script to read. I miss the long rehearsals (crazy huh, I used to really get tired of them) and running lines. I miss the way it felt to be on the Siegel Stage because it was like another world, a world where I knew I belonged. I'm starting to sound crazy I know but I do miss it all. I miss most of my classes and just about everyone in the Class of '05 and a few of you '06 people (you know who you are), oh and I won't leave off a couple of freshman who happened to make a senior happy last year (or just laugh her butt off). I miss the predictability and simplicity of high school life. I even miss the pointless little high school dramas that seemed so huge. I guess I miss the feeling of it all working out and knowing it would.

The funny thing is when I was a Junior, I couldn't wait to graduate. I wanted the heck out of high school and to be able to move on. All I did was wish that I could speed up time and just go. Senior year seemed to fly by. I couldn't wait to go to Prom and then to graduate. But as the biggest events of my life at that moment got closer and closer I found myself fighting it. I wanted to go to Prom and I wanted to graduate, but I wanted senior year to last forever. There was a lot that was happening at the end of the year that I thought if I kept holding on to senior year I could stop. Everything was ending the group was splitting up and one of us (who I really care about ) was moving very far away. I kept thinking the longer I held on and didn't think about it wouldn't happen. And it didn't work. Now I want so bad to go back it isn't funny. Which is odd. I guess I feel like if I can go back and take my spot in the old stuff I'll be alright again. I went to Prom and had the time of my life; I graduated and managed to not cry until two days later when it sank in that it was really over. And then it hit me. You can't go back again. The past is only allowed to come back if you look at pictures or talk about it. It belongs in the past no matter how good it is. I can't just decide I want to live life like that and do it. It's over and done and there's not a thing in the world that can bring it back.

I suppose its OK to wish for the past and keep looking back as long as you also keep moving forward. Nothing lasts forever, all things must end, and people just grow up. Thing change, people change, and life changes. Nothing is so permanent that you can't ever change it or move on.

Forever yours, Lucky

When I was little I used to hope a lot for my handsome prince to come and save me or maybe my knight in shining armor. I really believed in him, but he never came. Well sort of he showed up last year, but then he just was gone. The funny thing was that he was not at all the guy I was expecting because I have a country girl's perspective. But yet he was amazing. I miss him greatly and I know that we'll meet again. Which brings me to... THE LYRICS OF THE DAY(modified)... yayness.

We'll Meet Again, Journey

Was it the words he said or was it all in the way in which the man said them?
His eyes that spoke to me were sending my heart a thought so deep I can’t forget them
I guess it wasn’t the right time or the place
For love right then
But we met destiny, and it sealed our fate

Chorus:

We’ll me again (we will meet again)
I know we will (we will meet again)
On my heart it’s written (we will meet again)

Somewhere, someplace, somehow I’ll find him then as I did now... just for a moment
And I will hear the wind that told me
I will return again my love have patience
Life’s a circle, it all comes back around, so until then...
I’ll be waiting for you knowing somehow?

Repeat chorus

And if he were standing in a crowd
He’d be the one that I would find among the faces
And if the music was too loud
It’d be his voice that I would hear
Above it all (we will meet again)

I know we will (we will meet again)
I know we will (we will meet again)

And if he were standing in a crowd
He’d be the one that I would find among the faces
And if the music was too loud
It’d be his voice that I would hear
Above it all (we will meet again)

I know we will (we will meet again)
On my heart it’s written (we will meet again)
From this day till... (we will meet again)
We’ll me again (we will meet again)
We’ll me again (we will meet again)

So I guess that's it for now.

Forever yours, Lucky

What do I do
when the time is done
when we part ways
and it all ends?

What do I do
when you are gone
when things all stop
and nothing is the same?

What do I do
when everything
seems to crash down around me
and I can't even think?

What do I do
now that I'm so
since you aren't here to find me
and I'm all numb inside?

What do I do
with you so far away
now that I'm missing you
and I'm so confused?

Tell me what to do
because I just don't know.
I used to have it figured out,
but not anymore.

Help me, love, please.
Tell me what do I do.

(There are a few people who will get this and a few who won't.)

I enjoyed this....Not sure who the author is.

Subject: Don't screw with a Navy Seal!

Two things Navy SEALS are always taught: 1. Keep your priorities in order 2. Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. " I'm waiting God, if you're real knock me off this platform!!!!"

Again after 4 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am,God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform.

The Professor was out cold!!

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that"?

"God was really busy, protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole...so he sent me!!"

Well don't let it offend you too much, but I thought it was amazing. Like I said I can't rally claim it Zach Frensley had it on his xanga and now I'm using.

Forever yours, Lucky

Wow I've neglected both xanga and phusebox lately. I've been pretty busy though what with Mock Trial and all my other classes.

Ugh, I'm losing my mind and all hope. Have you ever come to a realization that you had to talk to someone, but then you can't get a hold of them? That's what is going on for me. I came to a decision and a realization that I have to quit running away from myself and a certain person. That I've got to face up to the fact that I can't just make how I feel go away and that in order for me to keep going and survive I've got to get some answers and just freaking tell him and get it over with. But every time I decide to call him and let him know, he's busy or doesn't answer. He keeps giving me the opportunity to cop out and chicken out and keep on running and hiding from it all. That's not what I need.

Part of me is really scared. I'm afraid that he's forgotten me or avoiding me so that he can put me aside. I'm afraid that things have changed and I'll see him and things will be all weird and stuff. It will be awkward and tense and neither one of us will know what to say. I'm afraid I let him go and doing that caused me to lose him forever. And maybe part of me is afraid that things haven't changed, that everything will be the way it was when he left and maybe even moved forward out of "confusion land" and into actually knowing what is going on. Maybe I'm afraid of taking one more step, though I shouldn't be really. Honestly I just don't know.

Maybe that's why I let him not answering the phone give me the opportunity to back down. I'm scared out of my mind.

Well that said I think I've bored you enough with my love life and drama so on to something pleasant.

College rocks. I love my classes except for Fundamentals of Communication, which sucks. Government and Politics is a lot of fun because it is mainly a discussion and lecture course and we really get into it. The only thing is I'm conservative and most of my classmates are liberals. Mock Trial is awesome. I'm an attorney on my team, and we are doing a kidnapping case. It's a lot of work and the work isn't easy, but I really love it.

That's enough for now.

Forever yours, Lucky