Nicole

Social

Relationship Status

In A Relationship

Highschool

Siegel High

Interests

God, School (some what), intelligent conversation, books, music, theatre, shopping, road tripping with my buddies, chocolate, obviously updating my two online journals, dancing, singing, politics, mock trial, riding horses, writing poetry and stories, working on my scrap book, taking random pictures, watching movies, muddin, spendin what little time I'm given with the love of my life, trying to keep my life under control .freefever { This layout is from www.freefever.com/myspace } body, body.bodyContent { background-image:url('http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r6/cwm1021/layout_bg/16484332_l.jpg'); background-position:Top Left; background-repeat:repeat; background-attachment:scroll; cursor:Default; background-color:white; scrollbar-face-color:FF6666 !important; scrollbar-track-color:FF0000 !important; scrollbar-arrow-color:FFFFFF !important; scrollbar-shadow-color:FFFFFF !important; scrollbar-3dlight-color:FFFFFF !important; scrollbar-darkshadow-color:FFFFFF !important; } table, tr, td {background:transparent; border:0px;} input {background-color:transparent !important;} td, span, div, input, a, table td div div font, body, body.bodyContent div table tbody, body.bodyContent tr td font { color:FFFFFF !important; font-family: "Georgia" !important; } td, span, div, input, table td div div font, body, body.bodyContent div table tbody, body.bodyContent tr td font { color:FFFFFF !important; } body, body.bodyContent, div, p, strong, td, .text, .blacktext10, .blacktext12, a.searchlinkSmall, a.searchlinkSmall:link, a.searchlinkSmall:visited, .btext, .redbtext, .nametext { color:FFFFFF !important; } a { cursor:Default !important; color:FFFFFF !important; } a:hover { cursor:Default ; color:FF9999 !important; } img {border:0px;} body, body.bodyContent, html {visibility:visible !important; display:block !important} div.msmnet{position:absolute;right:5px;top:35px;border:1px solid rgb(128, 128, 128);background:url(http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r6/cwm1021/msmaster/fade.jpg) repeat-x 0 0 ;padding:0;margin:0;}div.msmnet ul{list-style:none;padding:5px;margin:0;}div.msmnet ul li{padding:2px;}div.msmnet ul li a:link, div.msmnet ul li a:visited{color:rgb(128, 128, 128);font-family:"Trebuchet MS", Arial, sans-serif;font-size:12px;}div.msmnet ul li a:hover, div.msmnet ul li a:active{background-color:rgb(128, 128, 128);color:white;text-decoration:none;font-family:"Trebuchet MS", Arial, sans-serif;font-size:12px;} MySpace LayoutsMySpace LayoutsMySpace CodesMySpace Backgrounds

Exploring Caves

March 12 2006
So yesterday I quite literally went exploring a cave. Except for the fact that I forgot my jacket and it was cold and the fact that somewhere in the cave is my Nanny's $180 camera that she took in with her, it was really fun. We saw a some bats, which are definately not some of my favorite animal, and the entire ceiling sparkled with fool's gold. My feet were sore, but all in all it was good exercise, which I need in a serious type way because I'm horribly out of shape.

Mock Trial is over

March 03 2006

So pretty much last weekend marked the end of mock trial season for me. I'm going to miss the laughter, fun, and all the really cool people, but I'm not going to miss the hours of work it took. I mean it was every tuesday and thursday night, plus the extra hours I put in outside of class. Of course I'm going to go back next semester because the work was worth the fun a lot of the time.



Well last weekend was the regional tournament, and we did not make it out of regionals. My team left thursday night at like six and got to Louisville around 11:30 their time. Then we proceeded to drive around for thirty to forty five minutes looking for a non-existant Ramada Inn. By this time we were starving and tired and we decided to call the number on our directions paper. Turns out we were supposed to be staying at the Best Western which we had past several times. So after we checked in at the hotel we went and had Steak n Shake. So the tourney went fine and we ahd a blast, but we didn't do as well as we thought we should have. Anyway that marks the end of mock trial for my first year.


Amazing how a day can change in just a few minutes

March 01 2006

I'm sad.
He has left me again, and, even though I have this great news and stuff, I'm going to cry. I mean I finally find out the answers and discover that it's all turning out the way I wanted to, but he's in Arizona and I'm in Tennessee. I love him and he's gone again and I don't know when he's going to be coming back. I'll be waiting here for him because he asked and because I love him. Wish me luck, not that I need it because I'm not even remotely attracted to anyone else. It's just going to hurt like hell and the only thing that will keep me going is the fact that I love him and I will see him again.




I'm really and truely happy.
Wow thats the first time I've been able to say that in a long time.You see crazy things have been going on for a while. If you've been reading this blog long enough you'd know that I've been having issues in matters of the heart for quite some time. Well today that changed. This guy who I happened to love moved away at the end of last year and he came back home to visit for a few days. Well he left today to go back and I'm really sad that he's gone but I have some serious hope now. What I thought was going to be a day from hell turned out to be an interesting and excellent day because I found something out.This morning I met him for breakfast at the KUC and I did my best to laugh and not cry. He walked me to class and we kissed and he left. He left a small note in my purse and its changed everything for the better. I'm not going to go into details or anything but let's just say that this guy:  makes me the happiest girl ever. And he's probably going to kill me if he finds out that I've put his picture on my phusebox. But its all good anyway.

So very true

February 28 2006

I saw this on a random phusebox and thought it was amazing and very true. I'll actually come up with a good update maybe later. Read this and see if it applies to you. My thoughts are added in ()




These are the 12 signs of falling in love....
12. You'll read his/her IMS over and over again... (All the time)
11. You'll walk really really slow while you're with him/her... (Yeah, I have to make every second count.)
10. You'll feel shy whenever you're with him/her... (Sort of shy, but different.)
9. While thinking bout him/her...your heart will beat faster and faster... (Oh yeah.)
8. By listening to his/her voice...you'll smile for no reason. (He makes me very happy)
7. While looking at him/her..you cant see the other people around you...you can only see that person... (Yep)
6. You'll start listening to SLOW songs. (Been there done that.)
5. He/She becomes all you think about. (Yeah and it annoys my dear friends)
4. You'll get high just by their smell... (Heck yes, he smells really good)
3. You'll realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them.. (When I'm not sad that he is far away.)
2. You'll do anything for him/her... (Yeah, very true.)
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time. (Oh yeah, can't help but hear his voice as I read this.)

What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

February 17 2006

These lyrics say it all.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

On Valentine's Day

February 15 2006

 So yesterday was Valentines Day and as usual I spent it by myself. I had a lot of time to think and to cry about things. Sad? Yes. I was thinking about my current confusion and stuff. I'm not going to bore/torment you all with a long paragraph, just state this. I thought a lot, and didn't enjoy the holiday at all.


Well...

February 09 2006

Introduce yourself in one bold, honest paragraph.
I'm Laura Nicole Roehrich and if you are reading this, I apologize. I'm seriously crazy, way over worked, and sometimes overly emotional. I'm a hopeless romantic, a classic southerner, and a theatre geek. I'm an avid mock trial nerd and a pre-law major, heck yeah... I'm going to be a District Attorney, if all goes as planned.I'm an actress, a writer, and I try to be wonder woman a lot. I take life head on, but I avoid things that could get me hurt. I'm a bit of a chicken but I'm working on it. I love my family, my friends, a guy who's name I'll not mention, and my horses.



Tell me what people think about you.
Well, I'm a little too emotional sometimes and I over think stuff. IMost say I'm a nice girl though my attitude is sometimes not very nice.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I've gotten a little cynical about love and life, so I guess I would change that and have more faith.

Have you ever felt at home with someone?
I feel at home with my family, my friends, my mock trial teammates, and my horses ((Random, yes I know))

Describe your appearance.
Around 5'7'', short blondish, reddish, brown hair, hazel eyes, Built pretty slightly heavy, round face.

Biggest revelation to date?
That I can trust myself not to get hurt



Biggest issue weighing you down?
My  crazy life. 

Theme song?
Live life like you're dyin'-Tim McGraw

Give me some final parting advice.
Live life to the fullest, don't regret things, and keep the faith.

So Yeah...

January 27 2006

An update on things is in order I suppose, considering.


Ok so here goes nothing. So far I've been going absolutely crazy just tryin to figure things out lately, like what I'm doing, what's going on, and just why the heck my life can't just be simple and make sense. Mock Trial is back in full swing and those of ui crazy enough to stick around and compete in regionals are now working double hard to get ready. It doesn't take up as much time as it did last semester for me because I'm only a witness for the prosecution instead of an attorney on both sides. But still two nights a week and a few hours on the side are devoted to winning a witness award at my first ever regional Mock Trial Tournament. Classes are going well. I really like my two literature classes and my sociology class. Theatre apprecitation is being tolerated becaue I have to take it. I'm reading two books at once and starting a paper for my English 2020 class on a book called The Go-Between which turned out to be a really good book.


If been trying dsperateley to hold on to my sanity as things in my personal life tend to get annoying and confusing. Especially with a certain guy. I called him Wednesday, almost sure that he wouldn't answer (cause he hasn't been) and fully intending to tell him exactly how I felt about the way things are going. But he pulled a fast one on me and answered the dang phone and I was too happy to tell him off. It turns out that he is coming to visit at the end of next month.


Well that's all I have for now so I'm off like a dirty shirt.


Forever your's, Lucky

Lyrics of the Day

January 25 2006

I hadn't heard this song in a while, but I was listening to the radio and it came on. I remember hearing it played a lot after Prom and it really hit home. I have to modify it slightly b/c it is sung by Toby Keith about a girl but still it works. Well here they are Lyrics of the Day, slightly modified.


You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This


I got a funny feeling
The moment that your lips touched mine
Something shot right through me
My heart skipped a beat in time

There's a different feel about you tonight
It's got me thinkin' lots of crazy things
I even think I saw a flash of light
It felt like electricity

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Boy you've never moved me quite
The way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to know

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
And We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again
Kiss me again

90's Kids

January 24 2006

I'm such a 90's Kid.


Anybody under the age of 16 should not read this. Just cuz you were born in '92 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons.

You know you're a 90's kid and getting old if...


You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

You've worn skorts and felt stylish.

You yearned to be part of the Baby-Sitters club.

You use to love playing with your My Little Pet Shop.

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House."

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You wore a ponytail on the side of your head and had fluffed bangs.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten.

You remember reading "Goosebumps."

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off."

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence... Not...

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.

You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide.

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down.

" Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS ELEPHANTS ELEPHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE"
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stumbed he's toe oe oe and thats the end end end of the elephants show ow ow

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.

You knew what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare."

You remember Alf, the little brown alien from Melmac and Vicki the Robot from "MY Little Wonder."

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool. (sidebar- they still are cool!)

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell."

You played and or collected "Pogs."

You used to pretend to be a MIGHTY MORPHIN Power Ranger and you owned a Skip It.

You had at least one GigaPet or NanoBaby and brought it everywhere.

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand. (pencils, notebooks, binders, etc.)

You used to wear those stick on earrings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You thought it would be so cool to be Alex Mack.

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

You thought Brain would finally take over the world.


Repost this if you were a 90's kid and can relate to any of these

I want love

January 17 2006

I have this as the background for my myspace and thought that it was excellently suited for my current situation.


I want it to be inconvenient; I want to sacrifice my life for it. I want the kind of love that wakes me up at 3am.I want love that hurts, love that I have to work for. I want love that tests me. I want the kind of love that is hard to find, and hard to keep and never easy. I want the kind of love where you get hurt. I want love that makes me cry. I want to hold on even if it takes me through my worst nightmare. But most of all I want love thats worth it. I want love.

Hell Yeah I'm Tired (An original monolgue about my current situation)

January 06 2006

"I haven't actually done my nails in God knows how long. And I haven't had the will to do anything to my hair in forever. I've just been resorting to the old stand by of a pony tail. 'You look tired.' That's what they say. Well obviously. What was the first clue? I haven't had the energy to really laugh. And I haven't had the same enthusiasm for anything. I put on my Prom dress just to see if it still fit and suddenly discovered I didn't care. I desperately tried to get it back and I put up the dress and I put on my shiny pants. That didn't work either. 'You look and sound tired, hun.'



Well Hell yeah I'm tired. I haven't actually slept in all of three or four weeks. Do you know what it's like to lay awake in your bed crying your eyes out? To lay there just thinking and crying and feeling like there's something wrong with you? Well that's what I do, every night. I can't remember the last time I actually went to bed and just dropped off like everyone else. And when I do fall asleep I dream. I dream of you. Sometimes I wake up crying because I've had a horrible dream of losing you.

Look at me. I look like hell all the time. I lie awake at night trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong and where I screwed up.I try to figure out what I did that ran you off, that made you stop answering me. Some nights I hate you so much it's not funny, but I don't really hate you because I can't. I cry and I cry and I want to scream because I love you and you don't know it or you don't get it. It's not fair. I miss you most of all. And some nights I feel like you lied to me. You left me with a kiss and a promise that it wasn't forever. You made me promise that would call you, that I wouldn't lose touch with you. And I just can't feel anymore sometimes. I want to stop crying and start sleeping again, but I can't.



I know why I don't sleep and why I'm tired. It's because I fell in love and then I let you go. I let you walk away because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I' m afraid I lost you and I screwed up my chances. I'm scared out of my mind. I love you. I always have."




So yeah I wish could say this out loud and get it off my chest, but I don't have the bloody courage to do it.

The Effects of School Girl Skirts and Shiny Pants on People

January 05 2006

I know weird title. But it is all about to make sense, I hope.


So I own two pieces of clothing that make me look more attractive I suppose. One is a short teal and black school girl skirt that I bought on sale at Aeropostale for like 5 bucks (I was thinking about a particular person at that time and thought the skirt was cute), and the other is a pair of shiny black pants that I bought like two years ago cause they were cool looking. Anyway I wore the skirt one day and noticed the reactions I got. And later I was thinking about those pants I wore to school while a certain guy was still here.


I realized that I could turn more heads in that skirt than I ever did in my usual clothes. I understand that it is a short skirt and all, but the fact still remained that guys opened more doors for me and helped me with stuff  more often when I wore that skirt. Girls on the other hand sort of gave me remarkably dirty looks. I'm not extraordinarily attractive and I can admit that. In fact at the moment I look like crap at the moment cause I haven't slept much lately. But what I noticed was that aparantly showing more of my legs made me more attractive to people. ~shrugs~ I however feel rather skanky in it so I have yet to wear it for a whole day.


Like I said I have a pair of shiny black pants that I wore several times when a certain guy was still here. I used to get some pretty good reactions especially from him. They were sort of tight because my butt has gotten big (I know too much info) and they were very slick and glossy. I just thought they were cool, and I have a crazy sort of sense of style. But most people  (guys mainly) thought they looked good. Again guys opened doors for me and looked at me differently when I wore them.


The whole point of this was the fact that sometimes I think that people only notice me when I wear stuff like that. Which is part of the reason I don't wear those things very often. I just don't want that reason for people noticing me.

2005: A Year in Review

January 03 2006

And yes I do know that this is a bit late.



January: The second half of my senior year began. I lost my paternal Grandfather early that month. I came to the realization that my senior year was going to be gone before I knew. I discovered that I was losing touch with my brain for a while. I suddenly realized what I had been looking for was right beneath my nose the whole time. I began trying to figure out how to tell someone what I felt.

February:
I was still grappling with my emotions and the way I felt about a certain guy and failing miserable. I spent yet another Valentines Day trying to figure things out and being alone. I came very close to giving up on even having a date to Prom.

March:
I discovered that my brick wall defense around my heart was falling fast as my heart got broken. It was the worst part of the year. I discovered the guy I really liked had a girlfriend and hadn't told me. He was my Prom date. It turned out alright in the end so I can't complain. Prom closed in and I planned it all out with a great friend.

April:
By far the best month of the year. I went to Prom with the guy I really liked, maybe even loved. I had the time of my life and wouldn't trade it for anything. I finally got up the guts and kissed him. Preparations for the AP exams reached their peak. And so did my happiness. The only thing that made me even remotely sad was the fact that I found out that fantastic guy I'd met was moving.


May: AP exams came and went, and so did an interesting month. I was happy, even when I was confused. I went to see a pointless movie with a guy I was completely enamored with and drank my first bottle of Bawls. I saw the last of my senior year fade away quickly. I simply didn't think about the fact that he as leaving because it hurt too much. We seemed to get closer as he got closer to moving away. Graduation came and I cried a little bit. But I realized it was not just the end of one part of my life and the beginning of the next step.


June: The days faded away and got closer and closer to the one day I wanted to push away. He stopped by my house a great deal more at random. I was confused but happy to see him each time. Jenna and I threw him a going away party just a few days before he left. I kept trying to hold on, but in the end I had to let him leae with a kiss a promise.

July:
The first month I spent without him was odd. I missed him and wrote a letter I couldn't send. It hit me several times that he was really gone and I cried a lot. Jenna's birthday was celebrated at Cool Springs as one of the first of many girls days to come. I went to Customs at MTSU and decided to spend all four years of my college experience there.


August: I got a real shock as the time that I would usually go to class came and went. I got settled into college life which I do say suits me particularly well. Mock Trial took over my life, and I learned that it was not going to be easy. It was the second month without him, but we'd kept in touch. It still hurt like hell to know he was gone.


September: Well first of all I turned 18. I participated in sorority recruitment but didn't get chosen. Oh well. Mock Trial completely enveloped my life and I became a very busy little girl. My phone began to fill up with numbers for members of my team and I shocked myself when I discovered that my phone was suddenly full of guy's numbers and none of them interested me as anything other friends and teammates.


October: nothing much happened to me except that I was going a little crazy without him. (I still am) Mock Trial kept me up at all hours of the night typing and studying and planning. Halloween cmae and went without much interest. I started driving my beloved blazer, which I now would cry if I lost. It gets me to where I need to go.


November: Thanksgiving was boring, other than the all night turducken assembly and smoking for dinner the next day. I endured the usual good-natured torment from my family about that afore mentioned guy. Mock Trial tournaments finally came and I had my ups and downs.  I wentnearly completely insane with confusion for a while. That was fun. I wrote a lot of poetry.


December: I found out that everything was really not making sense in my life. Though I knew that already. I had a good Christmas. It was only missing one thing, well person, to make it perfect. I decided that I did love him. I worried that I'd lost him, made myself a promise to tell him how I felt, and then subsequently chickened out. I'm still working on it. Still was comepletely insane with confusion, and wrote more poetry and cried a lot.


So there is my year in review. Isn't it marvelous?

Promises

January 02 2006

Do you ever make yourself promises that you really know you should keep or later find were stupid or discover that you should break them? I'm not talking about New Years Resolutions, I mean promises that you make over the course of the years that just come to you. Well I do. I've made several lately.


1. I promised myself that I would not let my heart get broken. (Broke that one within a week and a half)
2. I promised myself that no one was going to get close enough to hurt me. (Broke that one when I met a certain guy, who shall remain nameless. He didn't hurt me.)
3. I promised myself I would stop thinking so much and feel more. (Break it ever time he crosses my mind. I get stupid thoughts a lot)
4. I promised myself I would not get so caught up in what bad could happen that I chicken out of things. (Break it a lot.)
5. I promised myself I would work this matter of the heart out one way or another and that I would tell him how I feel. (Working on keeping it.)
6. I promised myself that I would not lose him without a fight. (Trying desperately to keep it.)

Song lyrics....

December 30 2005

Ok, so my cousin and some of my best friends say I should listen to this song carefully and take the advice, especially the parts I have in bold. You see there is this guy and he has moved 1400 miles away, but I still really care about him, and I guess I love him. My cousin seems to think so. Well in th meantime I'm debating on what to do. Part of me says its stupid to wait for him when I have no guarantee that he has the same feelings and part of me is screaming that it doesn't matter at all. My heart says go for it, love him, care about him, just feel.


Listen To Your Heart


I know there’s something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah
you’ve built a love but that love falls apart
your little piece of heaven turns too dark

listen to your heart
when he’s calling for you
listen to your heart
there’s nothing else you can do
I don’t know where you’re going
and I don’t know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye


sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
the precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
they’re swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams

listen to your heart
when he’s calling for you
listen to your heart
there’s nothing else you can do
I don’t know where you’re going
and I don’t know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

and there are voices
that want to be heard
so much to mention
but you can’t find the words
the scent of magic
the beauty that’s been
when love was wilder than the wind

listen to your heart
when he’s calling for you
listen to your heart
there’s nothing else you can do
I don’t know where you’re going
and I don’t know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

Listen to your heart....mm..mmm

I don’t know where you’re going
and I don’t know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

Have you ever have one of those days...

December 16 2005

Do you ever have one of those days when you don't know how you feel or what you're supposed to feel or what's going on? I mean when you want to do something so bad, or you don't want to do something, but you don't know what. I know this is not making much sense at all. Have you ever cared so much that it hurt and wanted so desperately to stop caring? Or missed someone so much that it was killing you just to think about it, but you couldn't stop no matter how hard you tried. And then in the end you really don't want to stop caring and missing because that person means so much to you. Have you ever cried so many tears that you couldn't cry anymore, but still wanted to cry because crying is the only way to get it all out. Have you ever tried desperately to stop thinking about someone because everytime they crossed you mind it broke your heart, but you couldn't?



Funny how life works like that. You know, I made myself this stupid promise that for once I wouldn't let my heart get me into trouble and get me hurt. I promised that for once in my life I was going to use my head before it was too late. I'm scared out of my mind that I really screwed up somewhere, and I don't know how to fix it. As my cousin once put it: "The great Laura Nicole has fallen. She has been conquered by a Yankee city boy." I'm so afraid that I've lost him, that when he comes back things won't be the same. Or maybe I'm scared that things haven't changed, and everything will fall back into place and then he will leave without telling me what's going on. Or maybe I'm afraid that things have moved forward, that there was something there besides friendship and I'll get hurt, or hurt him, or have some other problem. I pride myself on being at least somewhat intelligent, but for once I can't think myself out of this problem. Maybe that's what really scares me.

It's funny how...

December 08 2005

time flies by. I can't believe that I'm already through my first semester of college. It feels like only yesterday I was walking that line at graduation. It's hard to imagine that it's all really moving this fast. I was thinking about it all the other day.

It seems like not long ago I was sitting in history class passing notes instead of paying complete attention to DBo, that I was going to long rehearsals and living off of fast food and junk from a vending machine. It seems as though just the other day I was panicing because I did't know who I was going to go to Prom with. It seems as if it was just yesterday that I was desperately wishing to escape high school.


I look back and sometimes I'm just flooded by the memories of all the things that happened to me. I can recall things absolutely clearly sometimes. I remember breakfast every morning with the same group of people. We told the same stupid jokes all the time, but they were still freakin hilarious. I remember card games and playing I Never, BS and Palace. Lunch with best friends and CSI in CJII. I remember Prom and Graduation, the party after and the crazy things we loved to pull. I remeber ejector seats and stolen shoes shiny black pants and random comments. I remember roses and bears and a going away party, can hockey and guys trapping squirrels. Potash and Freshman, two halves of one brain. It's almost like no time has really passed.


It's funny how time flies. Especially when you aren't paying attention.

Two Poems:

December 01 2005

What Do I Do
What do I do
when the time is done
when we part ways
and it all ends


What do I do
when you have gone
when things all stop
and nothing is the same


What do I do
when everything seem
to be crashing down around me
and I can't even think.


What do I do
with you so far away
now that I'm missing you
and I'm so confused



Tell me what to do
because I just don't know
I used to have it all figured out
but not anymore



Help me, love, please
Tellme, what do I do



If Only
If only you wehere here
and not so far away
Then maybe, just mabye
I could be alright


If only I had said it
instead of holding back
you might have know and understood
just what was going on



If only you could hold me
and I could feel your arms
then maybe in some way
I wouldn't be so lost.



If only I could tell you
the way I feel right now
then somehow, maybe
I could make the fog clear



If  only I could turn around
and see you coming home
then it's possible, maybe that
My world would stop crashing down on me



If only, if only
I could be with you
and if only you could know
that I love you.










Check this out

November 30 2005

Click the link to see a really cool lighting display. You must have sound to get the full effect. The Song is Winter Wizards by Trans Siberian Orchestra.


 http://members.cox.net/transam57/lights.wmv