"I haven't actually done my nails in God knows how long. And I haven't had the will to do anything to my hair in forever. I've just been resorting to the old stand by of a pony tail. 'You look tired.' That's what they say. Well obviously. What was the first clue? I haven't had the energy to really laugh. And I haven't had the same enthusiasm for anything. I put on my Prom dress just to see if it still fit and suddenly discovered I didn't care. I desperately tried to get it back and I put up the dress and I put on my shiny pants. That didn't work either. 'You look and sound tired, hun.'

Well Hell yeah I'm tired. I haven't actually slept in all of three or four weeks. Do you know what it's like to lay awake in your bed crying your eyes out? To lay there just thinking and crying and feeling like there's something wrong with you? Well that's what I do, every night. I can't remember the last time I actually went to bed and just dropped off like everyone else. And when I do fall asleep I dream. I dream of you. Sometimes I wake up crying because I've had a horrible dream of losing you.

Look at me. I look like hell all the time. I lie awake at night trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong and where I screwed up.I try to figure out what I did that ran you off, that made you stop answering me. Some nights I hate you so much it's not funny, but I don't really hate you because I can't. I cry and I cry and I want to scream because I love you and you don't know it or you don't get it. It's not fair. I miss you most of all. And some nights I feel like you lied to me. You left me with a kiss and a promise that it wasn't forever. You made me promise that would call you, that I wouldn't lose touch with you. And I just can't feel anymore sometimes. I want to stop crying and start sleeping again, but I can't.

I know why I don't sleep and why I'm tired. It's because I fell in love and then I let you go. I let you walk away because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I' m afraid I lost you and I screwed up my chances. I'm scared out of my mind. I love you. I always have."

So yeah I wish could say this out loud and get it off my chest, but I don't have the bloody courage to do it.