Tomorrow, I leave the state, so I shall not post another entry for a week at the least.  This means that what I post on here tonight will echo for a week.  I expect 1 remark, possibly 2, when I return.  I also expect 4 new friend entries, and a few photos.  No new requests will be made, but I might have a new message or two.  Anyway...

I live in fear of being good enough.  If I am good enough all of my life, I will not excel.  It's one of those "I'd rather be cold than lukewarm."  At least if I were a failure, I would be able to point at a trend and say "This is what I am."  I'd rather meet no requirements than just the minimum.

Anyway, I've got nothing to say.  I don't know why.

If I were to account for everything I had done so far in my life, there would not be much.  I've done a few things here and there, but have I ever truly lived?  Looking at myself, I see all sorts of missed chances and unfulfilled desires.  There are times, such as these, when I have a perspective on life that is conducive to fulfilling such desires, but, as luck would have it, these perspectives do not fit over my entire life, so while I may feel ready to take on the world at 1 am today, I probably won't at 7 when I get up.  And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

So I started writing scripts for the webcomic.  I figure, "Why not?  It'll give some way to divert my mind while allowing me to share experiences of my life with others!"  I've got 20 days worth, which equates to 10 weeks of my original 2/week plan.  Maybe I'll up that.  Probably not.  First things first: gotta get onto some HTML work for a comic site.  I've got a few ideas on how to run it using relatively little space on a few different servers.  We'll see how it goes.

I'm finding through time that there are more and more topics that I once could argue with anyone about for days on end without growing weary.  Nowadays, I can no longer do this on such a wide variety of topics.  It's not that I'm unprepared - I've had more time to do more research and have grown more educated on the topics.  The fact is, the arguments are worthless.  It is fruitless to argue with people.  While one out of every so many billion people may be convinced, it's a good chance that that person is not the one who wants to argue.  They're the ones who want to listen.  So instead of debating, I've been doing more of a monologuous expression of ideas which occur to me.  This leads to no frustration derived of confrontation and a chance to express what I want to express without being sidetracked by other issues.

By the way, I had some brief inspiration today and wrote a little bit of a chapter of a book that shall never be completed.  Read the excerpt anyway and let me know what you think of it.  http://zeal.i8.com is the website, and just click on the "001.doc" link to download.  It's only 3 pages, so that's not bad at all.

About 24 hours ago, I wrote about being a loner and not really being part of society in general.  Since then, I have listened to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack.  I always preferred the Phantom to Raoul.  I always identified with him better than with any other literary character.  Think of it this way - we are both very intelligent; fairly talented in multiple areas; desirous of an impossible, perfect love; shunned by a majority of society because of particularities that don't fit into the general consensus of normality; and reviled by some because of our persistence.  If you read this and wonder about some of the "similarities" just try to remember that you haven't lived my life, so there may be some things you don't know about.

Anyway, the Phantom could have at any time whisked Christine away to his little love nest swan bed, but instead trained her voice, respected her privacy, and worked behind the scenes to benefit her.  Raoul, on the other hand, wooed Christine when they were younger, then pops in from nowhere and carries her away on his little romantic adventure.  Raoul was a punk, whereas the Phantom (referred to hereafter as Erik) was respectful and took his time.  All of the things that Erik did in the work could have been avoided had Raoul not attempted his little sexual coup.  But, no, the irritating aggressive boy caused things to go awry.

Let's shift gears now to Pride and Prejudice, another favorite of mine.  Darcy at one point proclaims his love for Elizabeth, yet she does not believe him.  Darcy, working behind the scenes, ended up hooking Lizzie's sister up with her soulmate, Bingley, and saving the Bennett family from disgrace at the younger sister's elopement.  Darcy also stays behind the scenes, never coming out and saying "Hey, Lizzie-baby!  Lookie at what did!"  Others tell her, also mentioning that they weren't supposed to tell her.  He didn't want her to know; he was happy being able to show his love for her by protecting her family in unseen ways.  Now that's love.

Now, let's mix the two.  ErikDarcy does things for ChristineElizabeth, behind the scenes, to show his love for her, not necessarily to her, but in order to further her in her life.  Then some punk comes in and steals her away.

Now there's a story with which I can identify.

Marlee told me in May that I am a tragic person, and that I bring the tragedy on myself.  I started thinking about this statement again today.

It really is true.  Part of me is a socialite of sorts that does desire human contact.  However, my natural personality is that of an isolationist introvert.  Therefore, my base personality, in order to express itself correctly, must vanquish those other desires.  This causes pain on my part.  If I choose not to accept those terms, I must resist my natural urges for isolation in order to achieve some sort of companionship.  This is why it can be difficult to become a good friend of mine but, whenever you do achieve that, come hell or high water, I'm still there for you.  That is how my personality poles interact in a good way.  The introvert makes it difficult for me to find a friend I can trust, but also ensures that the friend is worthwhile.  Then my slight extrovert side makes sure I never lose them.  Nifty, huh?  Except for the fact that this doesn't happen much, and that, as soon as I'm ready to let many people in really deep, they have to, say, move to Colorado.

Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to complain about.  I read up to the halfway point of I Samuel and about another 100 pages in the Loner book.  There are approximately 50 pages left.  I also did all of my laundry for the trip, had a good 1.5 hour conversation about evil and girls over a tasty Mexican lunch.

Oh, and I decided to ask Ashley out.  Unfortunately, when I finally made the decision, she had already left.  So I'm probably going to have to wait until week after next, which is my last week before I leave for school.  It will be interesting to see how this all turns out in the end.  Probably unhappily for me, as I am a tragic person.

In funnier news, I had this idea that I could draw a webcomic based on my life.  I could give a little bit of backstory involving my life with Karl, and then just do a couple each week to showcase particularly funny or confusing conundrums in which I involve myself wittingly or unwittingly.  Add the fact that my life naturally draws laughs to the fact that I suck at drawing, and we've got a successful cult comic in the making.  Now all I need is some motivation.

Speaking of motivation, something that has never motivated me is comparing me to others or insulting me.  But some people (Dad) still believe that this is the only method in which to get me to do things when, in fact, they discourage me from the task.  Yeah, try to explain that one to him.  2.5 weeks and I get a reprieve.  Hallelujah.

I apologize for the length of this post.

Last night, I went to Barnes and Noble and saw a book that caught my eye - it was subtitled "The Loner's Manifesto."  I figured that this would be a satirical look at misfits in society, but it is a serious book about the subculture known as "loners" which addresses unfair stereotypes as well as the basic needs and tendencies of loners.  The reason I bought it, read half of it so far, and am posting about it now?  The book is written for me.  I'm not the stereotypical loner in that I hate everyone and lock myself in a room, but am a loner by the definition of being an introvert.  I've gotten so used to Connie's MBTI references that I really forgot what it's like to be introverted out in the real world.  Also, I've spent so much time feigning extraversion at TTU (especially during SOAR sessions), that I have, to a large part, forgotten about my roots as an introvert.  This book has helped me to remember who I was and realize why it's not a bad thing to be that way.  I reccomend it for everyone, but especially so for those who feel that they may fall into the "loner" category.

In other news, I'm feeling better than yesterday.  I still have the persistent nose-drip and the plaguing cough, but other than that I'm fine.  Those should be gone in the next few days.  Should.  Not will.  Should.

Further, I finished my song about suicide this morning when I finalized my accompaniment music.  I think it sounds ominous and slightly frightening because of the minor chords and the half-awkward chord transitions.

Just randomly, how awkward does the word awkward look?  They couldn't have picked a better word for the feeling.

Anyway, tomorrow, I'm heading to lunch with a dude from my church.  I'm sure that, among other things, we'll talk about destiny/predestination vs. free will in the realm of open theism, girls, and the nature of evil.  You know...girls may be a large part of the nature of evil...I'll have to explore that more in the future.

Furthermore, this book is helping me (sorry to change topics to abruptly...this is how my mind typically works - many ideas floating around, randomly surfacing) come to terms with the fact that I don't feel a sense of belonging with the masses of society.  Be it advertisements or just popular culture in general, I don't cope well; that is, I don't see what the big deal is about a black guy talking about prostitutes and drugs while a drum machine and a $20 keyboard play in the background.  And let's face it: advertisements?  What in the world do people hitting golf balls off of a boat before diving into the water have to do with a brand of clothing?  The advertisers imply that, by wearing their particular fashions (which differ from none of their competitors other than logo), you will enjoy yourself with attractive members of the opposite (or same) sex with crazy hijinks in a world of no obligation or responsibility.  This stuff is crap.  Why not show the guy strung out on drugs wearing those fashions?  How about a destitute mother living in the ghetto, raising 6 kids on her own, finding her escape in the Smirnoff Ice?  That makes more sense than Russians in Antarctica having a party in bathing suits.

And while I'm ranting about stupidity in modern society, how about we look at some of these movies?  Here's a brilliant idea!  Think up a plot that doesn't have the guy get the girl!  Let the bad guys get away!  I mean, really...think about it:

Arguably one of the greatest love stories of all time was Casablanca.  Did Bogart get the girl?  Hell no.  She got on the plane and left him.  Now THAT'S love - giving up what you want so that the one you love can be happy and safe.  None of this "Let's revel in sexual ecstasy for a few years.  I'll leave you like I left him, but that's after the movie, so it doesn't matter."

In the Godfather, Part II, Michael Corleone, who was not at all a good man, got away with murder and perjury.  Even though he was the protagonist, you find yourself wanting him to be arrested so that justice may be served.  At least, those of us who aren't conditioned to always root for the hero do.  Bad guys nowadays always get caught or killed in the movies.  If movie makers looked at real life, they'd see this is not the case at all.  In Memphis so far this year, there have been 103 homicides.  How many arrests were made?  Not 103.  I don't have the number, but I know that very few of the murderers were arrested or killed.

Of course, movies are the escapes for people from the real world.  This is another reason I don't like many newer movies.  I go see movies either because I liked the book, I believe that I may find some principle to apply to my life, or a friend tells me to watch it.  This is how I've seen movies ranging from "From Justin to Kelly" to "Casablanca" to "Pride and Prejudice."

Speaking of books, why do so many people not read?  I realize that not everyone has time to sit down to read Jane Austen or Joseph Conrad, but come on!  Spend a little less time watching the tv or movies and grab a book!  They can help you quite a bit.  While I've been sick the past few days, I have managed to find time to watch a bit of tv, write a song, practice some other songs, and read three books on Buddhism, seven books of the Bible (Genesis through Judges), and now half a book about Loners.  I am also a good deal through Training in Christianity by Soren Kierkegaard and The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis.  Sorry for the italics and underline there - when I tried doing the second in italics, it kept rearranging text to put the titles side by side.  Anyway, that's existing in roughly 15-hour waking periods.  During these days, I also have nap times ranging from half an hour to two or three hours.  I don't know...maybe I push myself too hard, but I don't feel exhausted.  I feel good about myself.  Imagine that!  I'm not depressed not because I've been rewarded for doing work, but because I did the work!  If only educational systems would work like that, too (but that's another topic for another long-winded rant).  Tomorrow, besides doing lunch and going to church, I plan to read a few more books of the Bible, finish the loner book, and get more read in Lewis's book.  Thursday, I should finish the Lewis and Kierkegaard books.


My grand point with all of this?  People would prefer to lie to themselves about who and what they are, relying more and more on allowing outside forces to tell them who they are, than find out on their own who they are, and this frustrates me.  I'm going to go read some more.  Maybe I'll read Heart of Darkness again this week...that should give me a pick-up.

Yesterday afternoon, I took two Kroger-brand Dayquil knockoffs, then passed out on the couch for a few hours.  I took two more last night before bed and didn't pass out, but had a relatively good sleep (9 hours this time...what's wrong with me?).  When I woke up this morning, I felt a whole lot better.  Granted, I'm still sneezing and sniffing and snorting and hacking my lungs up, but there's less pain involved, and I feel stronger.  I love Dayquil...if only they weren't so blasted huge.  On the bright side, since I was sick, I didn't have to do a whole lot yesterday, so I got to watch Pride and Prejudice again, Law&Order: Criminal Intent, Mad TV, and a myriad of other shows that I can't quite recall.  I wasn't really paying attention.  I also began work on a new song about suicide.  I think it sounds good, but I'm not going to let my mom hear it (she'll freak out and try to get me to see a psychiatrist again).  Anyway, that's what's happening in Memphrica.

Well, surprisingly enough, the song went very well.  Much better than I had hoped it would, actually.  However, I'm now dying of the Death Plague of Doom.  My sneezes are setting off seismic activity here (seriously...I just sneezed, and a bottle fell off of my shelf).  Really, it's not too bad - just a sinus infection.  It just kind of killed my appetite, so I'm feeling a little weak (that tends to happen when you don't eat).  Other than that, I'm fine.  Hopefully, this will all clear up in a few days.

I just took a Dayquil the size of my thumb in my latest onslaught against my mucus-infested throat.  I have been making progress, though.  Through rigorous orange juice, gatorade, and green tea procedures, my throat has come to about the level I was at yesterday morning (meaning I have no upper register and my speaking voice is gravel).  If I can just wake up in this state tomorrow, I'll be set for the evening.  Here's hoping!

I'm singing tomorrow night at a church.  This morning, my throat was so screwed up that I could barely breathe.  I should have figured this would happen.  So now I'm sucking down orange juice and avoiding speech as much as possible, hoping my throat will mend enough to allow me to sing tomorrow night.

So I wrote a new song tonight.  It's more of a standard praise and worship-type song than what I usually write.  I believe I'll be singing it at a Baptist church Sunday night, so keep that in your prayers.  Also, if you have any thoughts on the lyrics, please let me know:

Verse 1:
The mountains will sing
To the Lord of hosts
The oceans will roar to our God
The dead shall arise
The blind will use their eyes
The deaf will hear the praise of the Lamb.

Chorus:
Hosanna, hosanna
Holy Son of Judah
Hallelujah, Son of God
You're holy, You're awesome
You've saved us from darkness
Hallelujah, Son of God

Verse 2:
I lift up my hands
I lift up my voice
I lift up my heart to You, Lord
Repeat

[Chorus repeated as desired]

Okay, so it's been two whole months since my relationship with Allison ended.  Really, more like 2 and a half months.  Anyway, that's been over for a while.  This has been the longest time I've spent outside of an official relationship since April 7, 2004.   Granted, there was a four-day stint with one girl, but since there was no emotional involvement and it was just a boring time all around, I'm not counting it.

Anyway, the girl situation likes to complicate itself.  This is one of the reasons I prefer being in a relationship: I don't have to worry about other girls nearly as much.  So the problem?  Try problems.  Here they are:

1. Kate - She lives in Michigan.  She's the younger sister of a friend of mine and is two years younger than me.  We get along great and have both expressed interest in the other.
Negative side of this: She lives in Michigan.  She's the younger sister of a friend of mine and is two years younger than me.
Verdict: Although I'd really like to pursue something, there's no feasible way.  We'll have to maintain our friendship and see where God takes us.

2. Ashley - She lives in Memphis.  She's a youth worker at my church here, and graduated from Texas Tech with a BA in Communicative Arts or something like that.  She's a great girl, a strong Christian, a wonderful singer, and we share a few of the same dreams about the future.
Negative side of this: She lives in Memphis.  She graduated from Texas Tech with a BA in Communicative Arts or something like that (meaning she's at least 3 years older than me).
Verdict: Untouchable.  She's too old for me to even think about.  Not that this is coming from my end, but that that is how I believe it would be perceived.  I know I'm making assumptions, but I think they're alright in this case.

3. Marlee - She's going to Mississippi College in the fall.  She's my best friend in the world and has been for the last decade.  She's just incredible.
Negative side of this: She's in love with another guy.
Verdict: I missed my shot with this one two and a half years ago.

Really, it's not too complicated if I just follow the verdicts.  Instead, I like to overthink and overanalyze it all.  By the time I start getting tired of thinking about them, I'll be back in Cookeville with a whole new batch of temptation and desire.

Isn't it amazing that every life, no matter how mundane, is infinitely important?  Why is it that we can be so discouraged by our ineffectiveness, our inabilities, and our seeming "unimportance" that we forget the fact that our very existence as an individual irrevocably changes the future of the universe.  It's something cool to think about.

I've been working out more the past few days than I've ever done before, and I feel great!  No wonder people do this stuff!  I was reading about the Navy SEALS today (one of my long-time, hidden secret dreams), and I saw that part of their physical admission test is to run 1.5 miles in 11 minutes or less.  So today when I went to work out, I decided to try for that on one of the machines.  Being my usual stupid, cocky self, I set up the machine to do the hill simulation (i.e. a lot more resistance to my feet) for the run.  I ended up running the 1.5 miles in 9.5 minutes.  I'm well on my way to SEALdom.  Of course, I'm too much of a scaredy-cat to join any branch of the military, but at least I may be capable!  If nothing else, this will help push me along the path to World Cup stardom.

Am I a dreamer?  I can't tell...

Well, tonight at church was fun.  The youth Bible study time was done as a panel discussion about predestination, and I got to be on the panel.  One question that was raised that we did not address (mainly because I raised it) was this: What is evil?  With the predestination discussion, something with clear lines drawn, the kids in the crowd were in over their heads, so we all knew this one was too deep for them, so we didn't talk about it.  But I'm going to do so now.  This is a sort of monologue, and I would love some input from others who read this.

Evil itself is difficult to define.  It's an idea.  For me to say something or someone is evil means that that thing or person has done something from which no good can come.  I'm beginning to rethink this definition, however, as I'm finding that good repercussions can come from the most dastardly things.  For example: the destruction of the WTC.  This was a terrible thing, and I used to say it was evil.  However, good came from that.  Had the WTC not been destroyed, I would not have begun evaluating my life, and would not be nearly as in-depth into spirituality and philosophy as I am.  This trait of mine is what drives me to succeed in my various endeavors; ergo, had the WTC not been bombed, I would not have retained my scholarships and remained in school.  Believe it or not, I can prove that.  Now, look at the ripple effect.  While I'm at school, I am allowed multiple roles for friendship, service and leadership in which I can spread love to others.  Had the WTC not been bombed, I would not be able to see Daniel again; hell, I probably never would have even gotten to know anyone at Tech, much less ever seen more than a picture of Daniel.  Because of how I was affected by the WTC disaster, the last 5 years or so of my life have been irrevocably changed.  There is no way at all to be able to determine who or where I would be right now.  I would say that I have been changed positively by that, meaning that, since a good change came out of it, it is not an evil thing.

Even beyond that, the Bible tells us that "All things work together for good for them who love the Lord, to them who are the called according to His service."  Wouldn't that mean that there is no evil at all?

Looking beyond this, we can take in the possibility of relativism on the scale of evil.  Because I was positively influenced by the WTC thing, I would say it wasn't evil.  However, because someone else was negatively influenced, they may say that it was.  By this, I mean that the effect that an occurence or person has on another person determines the evilness/goodness of that occurence/person in relation to the receiver of the action.  To the Jews in the Holocaust, Hitler was evil, because he condoned their deaths.  To me, Hitler is not evil, because his political prowess has helped me to develop my own rhetorical skills.  I do not believe that this is a true system.

So, excluding relativism and pragmatism in regards to evil, with what am I left?  We can always drift back to the black/gray/white areas, allowing a set code of moral guidelines to determine what is evil, but, as I stated last night, I am not really feeling that one right now.


I suppose that I could look at what evil is not.  Let's presuppose that Man is capable of holding an unconditional love for all other Man.  In this environment of ucl (unconditional love), let us suppose that Man would live by the Smith/Nash ideal that Man would do what was best for himself and the group because preserving the strength of the group would preserve the safety and stability of the individual.  In this world, there would presumably be no evil.  However, what if, to insure the preservation of the group, one man had to kill himself?  Not only would this defeat his goal of protecting himself, but it would defeat his goal of preserving the group because the loss of an individual lessens a group.  We are then left with a paradox of which good is less good - the suicide or the survival.  Looking into the ripple effect of this, his suicide would cause everyone else to fail in preserving the group; however, if his suicide would in fact help to preserve the group, they would be guilty of non-preservation by allowing him to live.  In the end, everyone is right and everyone is wrong no matter what he does.  That sucks.


Okay, switching gears.  With many of the suppositions about God, let's look at evil and its relationship with Him and Man.

1. God knows everything.
If God knows everything (is omniscient), then He knew, before creating Lucifer, that he would rebel.  He knew, before creating Man, that he would rebel.  He knew that, if He put the tree in the garden, Lucifer would tempt Man and Man would sin.  Why, then, would God do it?  Some say to give Man the choice.  There would be no choice if God had not created it.  Therefore, God created the choice between good and evil, purity and sin, for Man.  If we charge a man for giving a loaded gun to a child and watching the child shoot itself, we should charge God for giving us evil, knowing we would choose it.

2.  God does not know everything
If God does not know everything, then He is an unreliable source for any hope or promise, and may as well have just made us evil in the first place.

3.  God predestines every action
If God predestines/foreordains/whatevers every action, then He caused Satan and Man both to sin.  Therefore, God created evil.

In all of these scenarios, God is as guilty, if not more so, than Man in the introduction of evil into the world.  Unless God is evil, there must be something else behind all of it.  If nothing else, this raises the age-old question: Why is Man here?  If Man was doomed from the start, then can there really be an answer to that question, besides "To be doomed."?

Okay, here's an epiphany I just had: the Bible teaches that, to God, all sin is equal, whether it is telling a little white lie to a dying senior citizen or murdering a nursery full of babies.  We ascribe varying degrees of evil to these things.  To God, there is no evil as we see it.  There are just things that are contrary to His nature, which is a self-sacrificing love.  In the aforementioned society of ucl, had they lived as God, meaning in a society in which they preserved the group at possible detriment to the self, then the groups chances for survival would drastically increase if individuals focused entirely on the group, meaning that if the team works as a team all the time, the loss of individuals will not be as costly as it could be.

Evil is something not motivated from a self-sacrificing, unconditional love.

Please, discuss.

Okay, so I started getting philosophical earlier (usually a bad thing), and I was thinking about the role which religion plays in the life of modern man.  I realized that religion as a whole is dying.  Islam is truly dead - the Muslims don't recognize it, but it is falling apart.  Hinduism is even more dead than Islam.  Christianity and Buddhism are dying.  The reason that these religions are dead/dying is that mankind as a whole are moving beyond the need for them.

DISCLAIMER: Before I go any further, I just want to make a few points clear:
1. I am not saying that these religions are false.  I personally believe that Christianity is true.
2. I am not saying that these religions are totally unneeded.  With the exception of Hinduism's caste system, I believe that organized religion can still play a beneficial role in the social development of mankind.

Anyway, religion is becoming "outdated" in a way.  Mankind is progressing to the next step.  As I thought about the spiritual development of man, I charted out a very basic progression:

Ritual/Tradition > Religion/Liturgy > Ideas > Godhood

Basically, it's taking a step backward, into a more basic form of existence, in which being God precedes the existence of all other steps.  I believe that the next step of man is to live by ideas.  Long ago, man lived by ritual and tradition, participating in human sacrifices and the like.  As we developed, religions and more complex spiritual traditions took the places of those.  Religion developed to meet the needs of modernizing man, but there is coming a point when religion will no longer be necessary.  The next step is that of Ideas.  After Ideas, if any progression can take place beyond the most basic concepts of life, then man would become God.  Either that, or there will be no further progression.  I opt for the latter, but that's just my beliefs.  Some people do believe that Man is/will be God, but I don't.

Anyway, man will live by ideas.  Many are already taking steps into this realm of existence, but it's a relatively inhospitable metaphysical world whose inhabitants are met with hostility by a majority of their fellow man.  Look at the progression above.  Ritual is a dumbed down "Religion for the Masses."  Religion is a dumbed down "Ideas for the Masses."  As mankind develops, religion is dropping away to ideas.  Each person must choose which idea(s) to live by.  They can be Love, Hate, Compassion, Indifference, Loyalty, Honesty, Dishonesty, etc.  Some are moral, some immoral, some amoral.


Well, that's a snippet of what I was thinking.  I'm going to bed.

I've been practicing this technique lately that allows my metaphysical being to affect my physical being (i.e. my mind affecting my body).  For example, when I have a headache, I have been able to end the headache through thought.  I'm still not sure why that works, but it does.  Heartburn works much the same way, or, at least, following the same basic principles.  Everything from itches to muscle cramps, actually.  Anyway, I don't know why I just posted this.  Guess I wanted to say it to someone.

Well, I got my Lottery scholarship and found my clarinet.  Unfortunately, even though the church was air-conditioned, the stage was still 100+ degrees, so we sweated our butts off.  It was fun nonetheless.

Oh, more good news - I finally got my Absent Element cd in the mail today.  AE is Chris Daughtry's band from NC.  I'm liking it so far.  Anyway, I've got work to do.  Hasta luego!

Remember a few posts back when I said it was too hot?  I was wrong.  Todays forecast projects a few hours of 103 degree heat followed by (joy of joys!) a thunderstorm. The heat'll suck, but the storm will be absolutely great.  I can't wait for it.

Anyway, tonight I'm singing in the band for the youth group at church, so that will be fun and air-conditioned.  I haven't made the clarinet recording yet because, well, I haven't yet found my clarinet.  It may be in my closet, but I haven't been in there in a few months, and the resident dragons and foul beasts who once would do my bidding are no longer under my control.  So I've got to get my plate armor from the dry cleaners and teach them beasties a lesson or two.

There's a funny new American Idol-type show on ABC.  It sort of mixes AI with Big Brother.  It's title is my title.  I wouldn't even know about this show, except a guy I know from my church (Austin Carroll) is one of the contestants.  I'm voting for him because I can't stand him.  He's cockier than I am, and that grates on me.  So I vote so that he'll be gone the entire time I'm in Memphis so I won't have to see him at church.  I'm sorry if that means I'm a bad person.  Everyone, please vote for him - 1-800-973-6935

Thanks.

101 degrees today.  Why?  Because, apparently, God decided to rent out Memphis to Satan, who's been screwing with the thermostat for the past few weeks.  I'm sorry...101 degrees happens elsewhere, in a place I'm not.  Not here when I'm here.  I wouldn't mind, except I was out and about all day.  In the heat.

First, I went to have a cavity drilled and filled.  Turns out there were two cavities.  And drilling hurts.  Afterwards, I hung out in Bartlett until lunchtime, when I conveniently remembered to call my Mom, who, with my grandmother, took me to Applebee's.  That was good.  After that, I headed out to my old church (FBC Fisherville) for about half an hour.  I played a few of my songs for the music minister, and he's going to let me sing one of them on Sunday, the 30th.  In addition to that, my Memaw's choir director and pastor both asked me to come sing at their church sometime.  No date on that yet, but I'm expecting it to be the morning of August 20.  That should be fun.
As far as music goes, I got what should hopefully be the final piano recordings done yesterday afternoon for 4 songs.  I've already got one song completely done (thanks, Josh and Liz!) from May sometime.  But the other four (one of which I haven't yet written...) have been recorded.  Now I'm going to find a time (probably tomorrow morning) when the house is empty again and I can record a clarinet part for one of the songs.  That should be funny.  After all of that's done, I'm going to try to find a good place to record vocals.  By the by - I was inspired today for two more songs.  One of them I already know won't work, but the other one, I believe, has potential.  So that should be fun.
I also found a nifty thing I've been looking at: http://magnatune.com.  It's basically an online music distributor that: 1. signs a 50/50 royalty, non-exclusive deal; 2. distributes your music online for small fees ($5-15 per cd); and 3. encourages file sharing.  I, personally, think that's cool.  They also try to market their musicians to companies and studios for commercials and soundtracks.  I don't think my music will work for that, but whatever.

Anyway, I realized last night that I'm hoping to be speaking at least 5 languages by the end of this year: English, Spanish, Italian, Irish Gaelic, and Latin.  I'm taking a French class, but it's supposedly not French as much as it is "Hey, look!  Final exam: What is the official language of France?"  Hopefully, though, independent study should help me some with that anyway.  And Liz can help, too, because she's just that nice and cool  @_@

So I was looking at my vocal range today, and a couple extra notes stuck.  Now on an average day, after warming up, I'm just two notes short of 3 octaves.  That makes me feel nifty.

You know, I talked a lot about music, but there's really not much else going on with me right now.  I've started playing America's Army: Operations again, but that doesn't take much time of the day...
I'm just boring right now.  Maybe something exciting will happen tomorrow.

Yesterday was the birthday of a friend of mine from high school.  I got a call from another dude that we graduated with about having a party last night.  So I went to this party with about 15 people.  Matt (birthday boy) showed up, and, for various reasons, absolutely everyone left, promising to be back "in a minute."  So Matt and I sat out in the driveway eating Salsa Doritos and talking about Serious and Important Matters for a little over half an hour.  He was a little bummed that this party his friends were throwing turned into a "sit in the driveway and eat chips" night.  But the two of us got to talk, so that was a good thing.

Before the party, I decided to work on expanding my vocal range.  On a normal day after warming up, I can hit a strong 2.5 octaves without using my falsetto.  Well, yesterday I decided to throw all caution to the wind and see how wide of a range I could reach.  By the time I was finished, I was hoarse as all get out, but I did pass 2 notes beyond the 3 octave mark.  This was a happy thing.

Another happy thing: my UAS (work scholarship of $5000) has finally gone through and been added to my student account.  Now that I've got that, whenever my HOPE scholarship comes through, I'll be able to confirm my schedule and get $122.  Glorious day of blessing!

You know, this is sad, but it really just hit me that I just finished my first year of college. 

*pause*

I really don't know what to say.  I mean, one year ago today, I thought that I knew what was going on, that I would be able to take what came my way and resist whatever temptations I was faced with.  I thought that, surely, I would be the kid that would always stand for what was right.  I would be the one kid who stayed with his high school sweetheart all throughout college.  I would defy all odds and graduate as a Straight Edge (i.e. no drinking, no smoking, no sex).  I figured that I would have a few friends (all of whom would be conservative Christians like me), and we would all change the world for Christ - converting the Buddhists and Muslims, showing the Gays the errors of their way, etc.

*pause*

My fall semester, I tried to fulfill all of that and ended up falling into the web of a half-psychotic professor for a few months.  I ended the semester with a failing GPA, putting me in danger of losing all of my scholarships.
My spring semester, I decided to learn to work and have fun.  I made many friends outside of the conservative Christian category (a few homosexuals, a Buddhist, and a whole lot of liberals) and within it...okay, so not too many within that realm, but whatever.  I learned to genuinely accept people who believe differently than I do (I don't always show it, but that's mostly for my own enjoyment).  I have smoked, I have drunk, and I have had sex.  I basically became the antithesis of what I had originally set out to be.

*pause*

My point with all of this?  I've learned that I can not plan who I will be.  I can not meet every expectation I have for myself.  On the off-chance that I had secluded myself, I would have been miserable.  I never would have met Josh, Liz, Daniel, James, Wesley, or any of 50 or 60 others that I have come to love in the past 6 months.  I would never have had to really look my fears in the face and not back down.  I would never have made an impact on anyone as I have been able to do.  In short - I would not have been who I am today happy to be if I had become who I had thought I wanted to be.  For the first time ever, I can fully and honestly say and believe that I am happy to be me.

My lotter scholarship was not showing up on Eagle Online.  There was nothing that I could do - or so I thought.  Through a remarkable turn of events, I found that I should still be getting the lottery scholarship this Fall because of GPA and hours and the like.  Anyway, it was not showing up, so I went and talked to this woman named Carmelitaionaoijwlmaiqwanlib in Financial Aid.  Let us refer to her from this point on as Dumbutt.  Anyway, Dumbutt said that I wasn't receiving the HOPE scholarship because of my 1.917 GPA at 25 hours.  Well, it turns out that 9 of those hours were from before HS graduation.  So I shouldn't have reached the 24-hour benchmark until the end of this past semester, when I had a 2.9 GPA.  I should have had at least a 2.75 at the benchmark to retain the scholarship, which I had.

Anyway, Dumbutt told me that I had lost the scholarship because of the GPA thing.  I, livid and Irish as I am, had a shot of rum and fired off two identical, polite emails to Adriane King and Polly Burns.  I can't remember why them now (more the aftereffects of the lividity than the rum), but I emailed them.  Adriane got back to me today and let me know I didn't have the HOPE because they hadn't gotten my FAFSA stuff yet.  They have it now and I've got the HOPE added on to my account.  Dumbutt is a dumbass.

Anyway, I'm now waiting for my UAS to be added to my account.  When that finally happens (and I'm praying very hard about all of this coming through), I should end up being owed About $120 by the university for this semester.  So, naturally, I am quite elated right now.  Anyway, I've got to head out for dinner at my grandparents.

p.s. For any of you who watched the World Cup finals: France was robbed.  Forget about the whole Zidane headbutt thing.  Italy's goal should have been counted as a foul - if you watch the play, you can clearly see the Mafioso shoving a French defender down to get enough air for the header.  Note also that that was the bastard that got headbutted for hurling horrible accusations at Zidane.  I'm about irate enough to fly to Italy and kick his candy ass.  Still, I remain elated.