*so i've really been struggling in this one area lately... i guess mostly because i just desire it so badly... and it's like i'm torn b/c i want to give it to God and yet i don't. it's like i take a step forward and begin to hold it out to Him... and then i step back and snatch it away before He can even grasp it. and tonight i was on my way to work listing to my radio... and all the sudden it's playing "I surrender all... my silent hopes and dreams... though the price to follow cost me everything... I surrender all... my human soul desires... if sacrifice requires that ALL my kingdoms fall!!!... I SURRENDER ALL!!!" and it just brought tears to my eyes... b/c if i trust God the way that i say i do... i've got to surrender my heart's desire. here i've been looking at it completely wrong i've seen it as something to fight against... insted of seeing it as something to be surrendered my Father's hands. i've got to be so willing to follow Him and go His way that i don't care if i lose everything that i hold so dear. i forget that this world has nothing for me. i forget that the people and friends that i love soo much don't belong to me... they're lent to my by God... it's all Him... and i try to make it all me.

okay, God. i've tried to fix my heart and all it's peices... but Lord, insted of putting it all back together again i shattered it into more peices. God... i'm ready to give it all to you. i surrender my heart and my desires into your will. it's yours... not mine... you paid for it w/ your precious blood. thank you for you love and mercy. i love you, Father. in your Name. amen

i feel a need to update... but i don't have anything to say and when i think real hard about it i feel numb... so why don't i let God's word say something insted...

"These things have i spoken unto you, that your joy might remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, That ye love one another as I have loved you." -John 15:11-12

so i'll leave you w/ this thought: how does Christ love us? is it not unconditional? so why don't we step up and be like Christ. it's time for us to take Him up on that challenge on that command. i know it's not easy. i love to hate people... i'm good at it. it's my nature. but as a Christian i'm compelled to go against nature. it's time to take the plunge. it's time to die to self. it's time to love and be full of that love and joy. i mean... when you're full of God's joy... i seriously doubt that there's room for bitterness and dispair. sounds good to me! :)

*so yeah... i've never really had any real bills to pay... until now... today i wrote a check for 1000 some odd dollars for my first college payment... umm... why didn't anyone tell me that it hurts to write that big of an amount? why didn't anyone tell me that you seriously reconsider college? lol... but it's okay. i'm proud of myself *uh-huh*

*Your love has captured me
Your grace has set me free
Your life the air I breathe
Be glorified in me

Your love has captured me
Your grace has set me free
Your life the air I breathe
Be glorified in me

You set my feet to dancing
You set my heart on fire
In the presence of a thousand kings
you are my one desire

I stand before you now
With trembling hands lifted high
Be glorified

*so before work today i prayed that God would help me to take a new step of leadership... whatever that was... and guess what i was put incharge of? back! yeah... i was actually upset about it at first... but then i realized that God was answering my prayer. lol. the night went really well and everyone was so encouraging. and we got out at 10:40. i know that it was a God thing.

*so i've been struggling in this one area just lately... and like... i'm just like... i've been praying that God would change my desire for a relationship... and everything... and one break tonight i was reading "Every Young Man's Battle" (the girls are suggested to read it... to see why modesty is important and all...) anyways... so i'm reading it... and there's this part about how when there's a struggle in our lives we want God to take our desires away... but in most cases He doesn't. in example the only way for a guy to take control and have victory in his thought life is for him to step up... be a man (not just a guy... not just a boy but a man) and do whatever it takes to fight wrong thoughts. and it hit me... the only way to have victory in this battle is to stop thinking like a teenager (you know the "but how can i not follow my heart?" or "but it feels good" attitude) and be an adult... but real about this. i have to look at exactly what's tripping me up and stay as far away as possible. when i'm tempted to flirt i have to be real and refrain. i have to trust God and obey what i know is right. i dunno... you prolly think that i'm nutts... and that's okay. i'm not trying to impress anyone. and no... i don't think all relationships are bad... but 1. i'm still on my year of not dating and 2. i'm not ready. anyways... that was long. night, guys. ~Hope

*so today is a special day! i hope that everyone is enjoying time w/ family and friends. for me it will mostly b w/ friends... i'll be working. but that's okay... God worked it out b/c i really need the hours. :) and i love the people i work w/ like family (even tho they sometimes frustrate me. lol) i hope that your day is full of celebrations and fireworks (just don't blow your face off please.) i love you guy, and God bless America! ~Hope

*so things were good. i got 2 extra hours b/c Weston needed me to cover him. yes!

*someone asked me if i was dating John Barron... that one still puzzles me?

*i miss Amber already!!! i'm heartless for the next week! oh well.. i guess i will live..

*i dunno why but twice this week i've been asked about sex before marriage. i guess it's good tho... b/c i want people to trust me enough to ask.

*i must confess... i need patience really bad... i mean... it's bad enough when you're just a team member w/out patience... but when your a team leader... it's worse... b/c people like to drive you nutts... it's like... a hobby for some or whatever.. besides... i think that it shows poor character on my part.

*i'm finally beginning to set myself free of a few things... and it's so nice. i'm learning to talk to people about what's on my heart and how i really feel about stuff.

*God, thank you for a great day. thank you for all people who love me. God, you see how unlovable i am... you see the deepest part of me.. and yet you still show me mercy... you still show me grace. thank you. be w/ my friends... help them to seek you and depend on you. and for any of my friends that may not know you... reveal yourself. Father, help me to be a testimony to them. especially the one that is on my mind. God, help me to love others like you do. give me your heart. use me. in Christ's name. amen.

man, i can't get that quote off my mind. it's so true. sometimes i really don't understand what God's doing... and sometimes i get frustrated... b/c i like to have a set path... i like to see what's ahead... and sometimes all i can really do is trust. do i always trust? sadly enough... no... and that's one of my down falls. and yet... God stops... and reaches out His hand. to i have to grad hold? nope... it's my choice. i'm so grateful for His mercy and grace. nothing good have i done to ever deserve even a portion of this. it's not me. it's all Him... i just want to praise Him for it all. life as a Christian isn't always easy... sometimes it's just down right painful... but i'll never... NEVER regret trusting God.

so i had to talk to someone about something tonight (i think Amber's really the only one that knows what i'm talking about)... so umm.... i just basically poured my heart out... and wasn't expecting any reply... didn't even want one... but i didn't expect the awkward silence. i wasn't expecting for that person to look at me w/ eyes that seemed to search within me. i didn't expect to hear my own heart beat. so that friend just sat in my truck... speechless. i expected them to say "well... goodnight... here's my jeep... talk to you later" i had to say "well... it's late i need to get home... don't feel awkward... i just needed to talk to you." and they just sat there... and finally said "okay... goodnight.." hugged me... said a few goofy things... and we left. i knew that God wanted me to talk to my friend. after all we are friends... but i dunno... i felt like it could have gone better. but i also know that i am relieved as all get out. so... anyways... yeah... that was random...

The things that I love
I hold dear to my heart
They are borrowed and
Not mine at all
Jesus only let me use them
To brighten my life
So remind me, remind me dear Lord

Roll back the curtain of memory now and then
Show me where you brought me from and
Where i could have been
Just remember I'm a human and human's forget
So remind me, remind me dear Lord

Nothing good have i done
To deserve God's own Son
I'm not worthy of the scars
In His hands
Yet he chose the road to Calvary
To die in my stead
Why He loved me i can't understand

Roll back the curtain of memory now and then
Show me where you brought me from and
Where i could have been
Just remember I'm a human and human's forget
So remind me, remind me dear Lord

Just remember I'm a human and human's forget
So remind me, remind me dear Lord

so on the way to GA last night the bottom fell out of the sky and the rain started pouring. everyone was frightened (except yours truely only b/c i'm used to driving in storms w/ my daddy :) anyways... so somehow me and this other girl started talking about praise & worship music and how she's beginning to like it. then we started singing "this is the air i breathe, your holy presence..." (you know the one) so we just sang it over and over and everyone joined in. all was peace and calm right in the middle of the storm. isn't God amazing like that?! wow! i thought it was awesome!

so GA was fun... i screamed... the biggest ride i went on was the GA Cyclone... hmm... i really didn't like it... but hey... atleast i can say i tried it! i have to say that i'm in love w/ Thurnder River. rode it about... oh say... 3-4 times? lol. anyways... it was a great trip... but i'm worn out! so g'night Children of the Living God! ~Hope

so i'm gone tomorrow to 6-Flags over GA w/ some ppl from church! yes!!! yeah... i plan to scream like a lil girl... and i also have a feeling that there will be quite a war involving playing cards... i'm so ready! i'll see you guys in a few days!

anyways... i wanted to write that i finally looked in my journel to find out the actual date of my no dating commitment and it's October 17... :) i can't believe that it's already been 8 months! wow! and i look back and i can already see how much my views have changed. how much my heart and life has changed. it's got to be a God thing. He's so awesome and i'm looking forward to what He's going to teach me in years to come... single, dating, or married. i know that the school of Christian life is never out for summer... and graduation day is when the commencement speech is given by Christ Himself... and after that words can't even describe.

i can't tell you how many times this verse has encouraged me all week long.

Proverbs 24:16 "A just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief."

it just reminds me that no matter how hard to try... i'm not perfect... and i have to admit that sometimes when i make mistakes i get so frustrated... but everyone makes mistakes! the just man most certainly does! but guess what? he gets back up! if i want to follow his example i've got to get back up... and not just wollow in it... and woe-is-me... which reminds me of another verse...

Luke 9:23 "And He [Jesus] said to them all, 'If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross DAILY, and follow me."

it's a daily commitment... it's a daily battle... i can't just say a prayer and suddenly be super Christian (although i wish i could. lol). i've got to constantly hate sin and love God... and there's going to be days where i mess up... where i feed my flesh rather than my spirit... there will be days where i hurt God's testimony in me rather than help it... but PRAISE GOD... i can get back up... i don't have to stay down... it's like God gives me chance after chance.... He forgives me. and i'm so so so grateful. ahh!!! it just thrills me inside and out! my God is so gracious! and i really just want to encourage you... yeah... you're going to fail... but don't stay down... there's still so many new chances... so many new moments to live for God... tell others of His love... spend time w/ Him... be a light in our dark world... and when you feel like you've recked it all... Praise God that He wants to help you get back up... Praise Him that He wants to use you regardless of your past. Praise Him for His grace and mercy. Let's Praise Him together!

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I
cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

i was talking to my brother the other day about modesty b/c i know so many guys who find modesty attractive. i was telling David that i've learned more guys appreciate it. he said that it's not so much that more guys appreciate it.. (b/c the majority of guys look for a gal who wears as little as possible).... but most of the guys that i'm around are either Christians or pretty good guys. it really made me stop and think about it. God has placed those guys around me for a reason. i'm so blessed to have guy friends who care more about me than what i'm wearing (or not wearing). i'm so blessed to know guys who want to know me... and not my body. i'm so blessed by the men in my life! and i've never really stopped to think about it before. i guess in the past i've been more concerned w/ not having dating relationship ans forgotten to be thankful for my friendships.

Father, thank you for the guys in my life. help me to a blessing to them. and help me to always do my best to shield their eyes and guard their hearts. help me to serve them as a sister in Christ. in your Son's precious name. amen.

so i was at work last night and Amber's like... "honey, there's something on the back of your shirt... i looks like a booger" i looked... and it was! and it wasn't just one... it was lots. i'm not quite sure who is was... but i have a pretty good idea. either way i was paranoid all night long. silly? maybe... insane? yes. but for good reason? absolutely.

so i'm back from camp. camp was great... heard some awesome messages that really helped me understand where some of my weaknesses are. so i learned that my 2 biggest struggles are my attitude and what i say (and how i say it). so my friend came and visited me at camp on Tuesday... that was interesting. i met his parents. they were really sweet, but i really felt uncomfortable b/c i felt like they saw me as their future daughter-in-law or something. i didn't give him the "talk" that i planned to give. i couldn't find the strength... but i could tell that he knew i was uncomfortable w/ anything more than friendship... i could tell he was trying to protect my feelings. i really appreciated that. i think other than the preaching the highlight of the week was a game of "tub-tug" to make a long story short you try to get the tub across your line and fight of the other girl who's trying to do the same... which means... at all costs do what you have to do, be mean, be nasty, be visious. I LOVED IT!!! i played so hard i thought that i might have broken a finger... but i think it's just bruised and swollen... we'll see in a few days. but might i add that a broken finger is worth it!!! haha... my team won the week! heck yes!! so anyways... i got an application to work at camp next summer... it's funny b/c my councelor was asking me if i had thought about it... and then the guy who was one of our CIT speakers last summer really encouraged me to apply.. and then one of the speakers was talking about setting goals and continuing to persue them and he used working there as an example. is God trying tell me something? i wonder... i'm still afraid that i won't get it. but i've decided that i'm going to place it in God's hands... and if that's where He wants me.. that's where He'll place me. my sunday school teacher's wife has volunteered to pray w/ me about it. anyways.. it's late... and i need to go to bed. i do want you to know that this week was really a blessing. i needed it.. and i didn't want to leave... rough cabin or no. night, children of the Living God! ~Hope

Monday i head out to the Wilds in NC for the last time as a camper. i guess it's bitter sweet. i hope to work there in the future tho. the only thing that is really heavy on my heart is that i will be visiting w/ a friend from CIT (a two week "Camper In Training" program) last year... and i have to have a "talk" w/ him. i have a feeling that i'll have to break his heart. i dread it. i really do. i know that God has a plan for all this. and i'm trusting that this week will be great. yet, i could really use your prayers

Father,
thank you for this last chance to visit as a camper. thank you for the 2 girls from church who are rooming w/ me. thank you for our sponsers. God, i really want to pray for my counselor that you would give her some extra grace this week. give her the words that we will all need to hear. help me to serve her in any way possible. be with the girls in my cabin... i pray each heart (including my own) would be open and ready for all that you have for us to learn. help us to draw closer to you this week. help our cabin to truely be unified be w/ the speakers. give them the words that every ear there will need to hear... and help every heart to be changed by it. prepare each heart for your word. do great things in our lives (including the speakers, counselors, sponsers, and staff). be with me as i talk to my friend. help him to understand all that i have to say. help me to be compassionate, honest, and open. help me to point him to you and every way possible. help him to see that you are my first priority. thank you for this gift and time of singleness in my life. help me to be satisfied w/ you in every way and to wait on your timing for romance. let my heart never wonder. go w/ me. and bless this week. in Christ's name, amen.

so today is my 18th birthday. it's so exciting... i pray to God that i stop and take time to enjoy this age and not rush through like my heart is so eager to do. i want to take this year to draw closer to God. i want to get so close that i'm up in His face. i want to be embrassed in His arms. i know that He alone can hold me the way that i long to be held. if i've learned one thing during my year of no dating so far, it would be that the only one that can fully fill the shoes of the love that i've been searching for... is God. He's the only one. yes, i know that He's got a guy out there that is going to completely be my match in every way, but i also know that my man won't be perfect. i'm not perfect. but God is. i'm so glad that i have this time to be single... and just focus on my Savior. i'm so grateful that God really showed me the light... because i used to live for that next guys attention and affection. Because of God i'm completely changed. i don't think that there's a soul on earth that can get to know Christ and not be changed. ~Hope Elizabeth

"You are all i need if i'm by myself... you fill me when i'm empty.. there is nothing else... you're all i need."

so today me, Amber, and Racheal all sun bathed in Amber's pool... it was great fun... but you know it's all fun and games until someone turns into a red lobster. nuff said? i think so.