honestly, i don't think i have ever been this uncertain, confused, frustrated, clueless, etc.... about the rest of my life ever. i have no idea right now where my future is headed, and it's scary! i know that God has it all figured out for me already and that is AWESOME but i don't know where to take my next step! please say a prayer for me if you think about it.... everything is so foggy right now when it comes to even a month from now. thanks guys. God bless. 

So I have this deep dark secret that I've never told anyone before. And honestly, it's eating me alive. The reason that it is eating at me is because I realized how much that it totally can affect the rest of my life depending on what I do with it. I think that the secret explains alot of what has been going on in my life lately when it comes to school and work. But it has made me question whether I should let it out and let it determine the course of the rest of my life or if I should just keep keeping it a secret and live life the way it is, in questioning confusion forever, not knowing what could have happened if I had told the secret. Hmm...I think I just answered my own question. I really think that I am ready to share my secret. It's just freaking scary because it's a really big life-changing deal! But first I want to discuss it with a close friend (you know who you are) and make sure I'm cool with saying it out loud (!!!) before I tell the world. So everyone stand by...something big is coming.

P.S....it's a God-secret....

That was by far the best two day trip ever. I'll share some highlights and tomorrow when I get the USB cord I will share some pictures.

Sunday Night:
-One word: HOTTUB
-Tracie getting hurt and us lying about it and then Robin finding out that she really was hurt
-Bailey falling on her butt and getting a bruise the size of a softball
-The neon cross and how God spoke in the silence
-Praying together in the utter silence that we don't ever take the time to appreciate

Monday:
-Oversleeping on purpose!
-Forgetting the Dollywood tickets and having to go back and get them
-Megan, Tracie, Miss Lillian, the fiddle, and chicken hats...words cannot express how funny that was
-Me on a rollercoaster....WhAt?!
-The belts
-Dixie Stampede and eating dinner next to Joe
-Everyone drooling over the hot guy named Kyle on horseback...he even signed Tracie's hand
-Bonding...sharing moments and stories, learning each other, loving each other more, all while wearing fat pants and roasting marshmallows over gas logs (is that safe?)

Tuesday:
-Oversleeping AGAIN and having to rush to get out of the house on time
-Breakfast at Mel's Diner...enough said
-Beehive...a second heaven for all women
-Surprising Jade's sister while standing in front of a mirror ("I seeee you!")
-Eating Chinese in Sweetwater with Jade's sister's family
-Blowing a flat tire going 80 on I-75 and watching in wonder as Jade takes control and changes it
-A guy named Lawrence who felt convicted when he drove by so he came back and helped us
-Spending 7 hours in the car with Jade and Bailey...("we could have driven to Florida by now!")

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. I love my 8 sisters, and I would die without them. We had a great time, and I'm exausted! Goodnight!

-back to reality (or realty depending on what sign you read)

i'm leaving for pigeon forge in 2 1/2 hours...i'm really about to die of excitement. i couldn't even go back to sleep when i saw what time it was. i don't know what to do with myself! i suppose that i could pack...

so the showers in our quad bath are broken. i really would like to know how the 8 of us are supposed to take a shower when the showers don't work. one leaks really bad and the other one doesn't even turn on. of course no one cares right now cause i'm the only one here this weekend.

anyways, i'm going to go get even more excited. everyone have a great rest of fall break, i know i will with 7 of my best friends up in the mountains having the best time ever!!! bye!!

-me

ahhh....life is grand. ever since i overdosed on antidepressants, life is just grand. hehe. i'm just having a very happy day!
i got a new job today, it pays great, it's a great opportunity and it's just great.
i have wonderful friends, and they are just wonderful to me, and we have a wonderful time together, and it's just wonderful.
God is AWESOME, and of course that's just AWESOME!
so yeah that about sums it up! i hope everyone has a good fall break, i will miss everyone like crazy so hurry back to the boro!
of course monday and tuesday are gonna rule in PIGEON FORGE HECK YEAH I'M SO EXCITED!!!
alright anyways, haha, goodnight.

-silly on serotonin :o)

p.s. i got a new haircut, and if you haven't seen it, apparently you are missing a lot!

well, i'm back. it was a nice trip, it was good to get away for a few days, though i have to admit i did kind of miss everyone. so it's good to be back. see everyone tomorrow at church!

-glad to be home!

so i'm leaving in the morning...for ohio! yeah i know...majorly random. but i found out that my aunt and uncle from texas are at my grandmas in ohio so i'm going there too. hey why not, i have no committments! please pray for safe travel its an 8 hour drive both ways and i'm taking it alone.

tonight was so fun! i went to nashville with a bunch of people and ended up spending a few hours stranded at cafe coco with suz and john shults and it was great. they are two funny people. it was awesome and i had a great time.

ok so really, i have to get up in like 3 hours and drive for 8, so it's time to hit it. night kids.

-the road hazard

You are Lamentations.


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Wow....that's all I have to say about that....

so i lost my job today. i also found out last night that i lost my scholarship after summer classes ended and i didn't know it. so how bout my week.

my boss told me when she fired me that she thought i needed to do some soul searching. so i'm going to lay low for a few days and try to figure this out. i'm going to try and figure out whether i want to go back to school in the spring or not. i'm also gonna explore some other job options.

esentially, i really need to find some meaning to this thing called life. some meaning, and some self-worth. because i'm struggling with that. so if you would, send a prayer up for me. i could use it.

night

"He's got the whole world, in His hands..."

Did you ever think about the words to this simple little song? It's so powerful. And so true.

Please pray for me as I seek direction in both work and school, as both seem to have come to an end today.

Sometimes God strips us of everything to teach us that we don't need anything. Anything but Him.

Grace and Peace to all of you as we stuggle through this earthly life together. One day we will all be home, and there will be no more disappointments. Praise Jesus.

Goodnight.

10 years ago I was: 9 years old and in the 4th grade. My best friends were Rebecca Tenpenny and Kylie Venable. I was a really good student and loved school, and I also was a ballet dancer and I loved to dance.

5 years ago I was: 14 and a freshman in high school. I hated it. I was still an excellent student and made all A's. My mom got diagnosed with cancer that year and things started to fall apart.

1 year ago I was: 18 and still living at home. Things with my dad and stepmom got worse everyday and the only good thing going on was the j-group that eventually gave me life again.

Yesterday: I slept till 4 and then went to dinner and watched a movie with some of my favorite friends. It was a good day.

5 snacks I enjoy: doritos, cookies, reeses, ice cream, and bananas.

5 songs I know all the words to: "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens, "For Being Jesus" by Sara Beth something, "Knees to the Earth" by Watermark, "I'm Alright" by Jo Dee Messina, "She's Somebody's Hero" by Jamie O'Neal

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars: buy a house and quit moving, go to Australia, stop working and focus on school, build an orphanage or three, and be a foster parent

5 places I would run away to: Black Mountain, NC, a small town in the mountains outside Rapid City, SD, Australia, Switzerland, Maine

5 things I would never wear: the leather pants I had in middle school, stacks, bermuda shorts, and a strapless wedding dress

5 favorite tv shows: Law and Order: SVU, Missing, Strong Medicine, CSI, Meet Mister Mom

5 bad habits: freaking out, worrying too much, nailbiting, putting people above God, staying up too late

5 biggest joys: feeling loved, getting cards, days off, feeling important, and seeing a friend for the first time in a long time

5 favorite toys: my computer, my tv, my cell phone, my car, and my bed

5 fictional characters I would date: Noah from The Notebook, Derek from Save the Last Dance, the beast from Beauty and the Beast..that's all I can think of cause I don't usually like "fictional" guys

Ok I know this was kinda 8th grade, but I found it on one of my friend's sites and I thought it was kinda cool. Sleep well everyone, goodnight.

-Joy

so it is now officially my favorite month of the year. i love october weather, and how it gets cold finally at night, i love cold nights and bonfires and bundling up to look at the stars. how cool.

i'm getting my hair cut on tuesday. i don't know what i'm going to do with it, i just know that i haven't had a haircut in 6 months!

ok, i can't think of anything else interesting, haha. so that about wraps it up.
nightynight!

-me

so really i know that my last few entries have been kind of depressing, and i apologize for that. but i've been sad lately. i miss my mama. i don't know why i always miss her in september, cause it makes no sense, but i do. and whenever i get really sad like this it seems like everything else i've been holding in needs to come out to. but i can't ever find anyone to talk to that isn't busy when i need to talk. so oh well. i continue to fill the bottle that holds all of my emotions, though i have a feeling it might burst open soon. but i'm sorry i've been so sad. i just don't like when i miss my mama. please be there for me...i hate to hang out alone during sad peroids.

on a happier note, this weather is awesome, and it makes me smile. :o) i love fall weather, the smells of fall are very nostalgic for me.

on an ECSTATIC note, God is AMAZING. my car insurance isn't going to be so bad because God answers my prayers. and i love Him for showing up when there was nothing else to do.

have a great day all :o)

-a muttled mess of emotions

so here i am in my dorm room. i haven't left in 28 hours. nor have i had any human contact in that time. sometimes i wonder if i didn't leave or call anyone for like a few days, if anyone would even notice that i never came out. hmmm. don't get me wrong, i have the best friends that anyone could ask for, it's just that i have to find them, they never try to find me. but i love 'em anyways. just getting tired of inviting myself places. i wish i was closer to my friends, but i think that could be my fault. if i was more open to being myself more often, it might be better. i'll work on that. speaking of work, i just abandoned my english homework so i'm going to get back to it. goodnight world...

-lonely on this rainy sunday

i never talk much about the inside me. i tell anyone who cares to stand next to me long enough about my daily happenings but i never really tell anyone about what goes on inside my head. and i think that's probably dangerous. cause then i get to feeling like i feel tonight, where i really need to talk about some stuff and i'm afraid that i'm going to cry at any minute if something sets me off, but really if you see me and if you ask me, i'm fine thanks. i wonder why i do that. and i wonder if i will find anyone to talk to before this feeling of needing to get stuff out passes and i just continue to keep it right here inside of my head. who knows...

-the uncertainly upset me

well i had alot of fun meeting some new people last night and today. i was exausted the whole time though, and that kinda sucked cause all i wanted to do was sleep. but i met people anyways and it was cool. the bad news is that i came back covered in these little red spots. as if the poison ivy that i have had on my arm all week wasn't enough, i now have 40-50 small red spots all over my arms, hands, legs, and feet. how odd. if anyone wants to help identify them, please let me know.

i didn't go to the game because i took benadryl to stop the itching and i just now woke up (it's 11). i honestly don't even feel well enough to go to girl's night. the stuffy head thing is the culprit in that. oh well, sorry i'm so negative. i'm just sleepy still. so it's off to some more benadryl and hopefully sleeping through the night. maybe i'll wake up for church since i have been sleeping since 7...that would be good. peace...

-the polka-dot princess

so really life is interesting. at least my life is. i find myself not really knowing whether to live my life in fear or excitement about what might happen next. i was driving to kimberly and olivia's apartment tonight, and i was in a GREAT mood, and i was thinking about how things are really good right now, which honestly scares me to death. i'm scared that something not so good is going to happen now, just cause everything is good right now and i'm settled and even kinda happy. (well, except for that car insurance problem haha). but last night i was excited about what might happen next, because truly something good always comes from the tragedy that strikes in my life. i mean when my mom died the blessing was being able to help ashli through it two months later when her mom was killed. and when i was kicked out of my home, i'm so happy i was now because if i didn't live on campus i wouldn't have been able to make all my awesome friends. and if the wreck wouldn't have happened, i wouldn't have come back to God. so all tragedy happens for good reasons, and blessings always result. so i shouldn't live in fear of what could happen next, just rather anticipation knowing that whatever may come about, God will take care of it and bless it. wow, you never know that you can solve your own problems until you talk them out, even if it is to your keyboard. so no fear, just perseverance. and the excitement is totally cool, nothing wrong with genuine excitement. ahhh i love fall... it's so...thought provoking and it just makes me excited and giddy. but then again, that's a thought for another day, i have to be at work in five hours haha. have a GLORIOUS friday anyone who endured this entry. God bless you for even reading it! anyways, press on...

-seasonably excited

i swear i need to learn some self control...i have a bracelet that says self control...somewhere... maybe i should find it....
point is, i stay up too late. really i know i should go to bed but i don't. and i need to fix that.
ugh, i get on my nerves sometimes. hehe. i just ask myself every night, "why am i doing this? why didn't i go to bed?"
oh well who knows....
guess i should go to bed now...
goodnight world...

-sleepless in gracy hall