do you ever feel like you aren't good enough? someone tell me i'm not alone in this...

ok so i'm coming home this weekend. i'm thrilled. in fact, i'm ecstatic. but i wanted everyone to be warned....i feel like i've changed. being away from home for three months has had me put a new perspective on life. can't wait to see ya'll. can't wait for the fun. be there soon....

ok guys, i need to ask for prayer. i am here in new mexico, i've been here for a week. but my heart is hurting because i want to be at home with my friends, with people that know me and people that i know. it's hard being here and not having anyone that i am close to here with me. so please pray that i can make some good friends soon; people i can talk to and open up to. because i miss it. i love and miss you all.

~me

f.y.i.....the network here in Glorieta has myspace blocked so I can only get to phusebox and facebook. so please do not send me messages on myspace or i won't get them till august. also if you ask to be my friend on myspace it will be august before i can accept you. by the way, new mexico is beautiful and i got here safely. and i kinda miss home but hopefully i won't soon. ok, love you guys!

-me

Just for the record, I am moving to New Mexico on May 21st. So it may be really rare if I actually get on Phusebox. Just for the record.

~me

so tomorrow is totally my birthday. cool huh. 

mmmmm.....
have you ever just had one of those nights that is so awesome it just makes you feel so grateful for what you have in life and so grateful for what your life is? the fact that we as people can interact with each other in the way that we do, and make such an impact on each other with very few words or even just with actions is so amazing to me. i love people. and even more than i love people in general i love the deepness of people and being able to share deepness with other people. amazing.

ok so despite all the badness and worry and fear going on in my life right now, some very exciting things have happened! today in the mail i got my packet of information from york university in toronto! i could sooo see myself going there in the future, and i really want to. i just have to figure out what my GPA is, if i could get in at york with my college transcript, or if i just need to pretend like i never went to college (though i would really like to use my first year credits when my grades were good). of course there is the problem of having to pay off the money i owe MTSU before i can even view my transcript (1,780 dollars) and with my current financial situation of only having like 20 dollars i dont see that happening anytime soon.

my other excitingness is my j-group that i am going to lead. i am SO FREAKING EXCITED about it. our first meeting is tonight and i hope that everyone comes! i am very pumped about it and i see it being the highlight of my week. in other news that made my week, i got to talk to leslie tonight, and that always brightens things up. ugh i just wish they would all come home. but talking to leslie tonight just made my day. so those are the good things despite the madness, i thank God for still pouring blessings on me when it seems i have nothing left. have a happy thursday everyone!

love, me

ok guys, another problem rut on the road of my life. most of you know that i quit my job some three or so weeks ago at the prompting and leading of God. see the problem is i have bills to pay. i have just enough money in my checking account to pay my rent on february 1st, and i have the exact amount of money in cash to pay my electric bill in an undisclosed location. besides that money, i have no more. normally that wouldn't be a problem, except that i am almost out of gas, and unfortunately you do have to eat to live. see, i called demos' again today, and he said that if i'm going to do the next server class on monday, they will call me on sunday and tell me what time to be there. and as for the nanny job, she calls me every week updating me on her job search situation, because she has to find a job before she needs me. ugh. so pretty much i need some prayer. pray that the lady i am going to be babysitting for finds a job really soon, and also pray that i can get into the server class at demos'. i also have an appointment at DHS in the morning with a caseworker to try and get tenncare (which i really need) and foodstamps (which would really help), so please pray that the caseworker is sympathetic and wants to help me out. also please pray that i can get some money soon somehow, even if its finding a different job. i'm really asking God that i can find something that He wants for me, that will be flexible around my ministry work. i know that He is faithful and will provide everything i need if i just trust in Him. but it's getting down to the wire. thanks guys for being faithful friends and praying on my behalf. have a wonderful week!

so the fact that i can't sleep at night, and the fact that everything ( i mean absolutely everything) reminds me of a random memory of the past has brought me to a conclusion. suddenly, it seems as if i am ready to face the past. i've realized that ignoring that you have a past doesn't mean that you've faced it and gotten over it. it just means you are ignoring it. and as a very good friend once told me, i can't get on with my future, or even have a future, until i stop clinging to and hitching onto the past. i've got to get past it and leave it behind. so it's time to deal. bear with me...

so its 4:54 in the morning and i have been laying in bed for an hour...but my eyes are wide and my mind races. for some reason tonight (or this morning) i am haunted by memories of early childhood. i'm suddenly flooded with memories of singing to songs like "Song of the South" in the car with my mom and brother when i was like 5, and memories of when there was a bad ice storm when i was 7 and we had so much fun actually dog sledding down the street into the ditch cause it was so icy. then with memories of childhood always come memories of my mom. fall 2002 when i was sick with mono and she had just retired because she was too tired to work anymore from chemo. we would play scrabble till midnight (she always won) or go to walmart and buy a bunch of stupid stuff.
then all of a sudden i had a vison of memory that had a lesson in it. when i was really sick in fall of '02, i had to have surgery..i remember waking up in the recovery room, feeling so foggy headed, and then being wheeled to my room, and my mom was standing at the nurses station, and i cried when i saw her, because i wanted my mommy so bad. i wonder if somehow at that point i knew i would lose her soon. then a bitter memory of a few weeks before my mom died...i was babysitting and all of a sudden God told me that it was almost over. i knew my mom was going to die soon...it was so heart-wrenching but at the same time i'm glad God told me early, because i prepared a few weeks early. it was such a bizarre feeling, a feeling that could have only come from God. the God that loved me enough to get me ready for it, that loved me enough to get me through the funeral and few weeks following without faltering, loved me enough to bear with me when i lost my mind a few months later and my faith a few months after that, and still loves me enough to let me deal with it almost 3 years later, in the middle of the night, knowing He is there holding me and listening as i tell Him how much i miss her all the time. this is the God that can't wait until i wake up on the other side, in a fog, wanting to see Him so bad that i cry when i do...and cry harder when i see my mom standing right there next to Him waiting for me....

five american small towns i fell in love with at first sight:
1. Hot Springs, South Dakota
2. Black Mountain, North Carolina
3. Broken Bow, Nebraska
4. Eagleville, Tennessee
5. Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

five american metropolitan cities i adore spending time in:
1. Washington, D.C.
2. Asheville, North Carolina
3. Nashville, Tennessee
4. St. Louis, Missouri
5. Rapid Ciry, South Dakota

five american landmarks that took my breath away:
1. The Badlands
2. Arlington National Cemetary
3. Mount Rushmore
4. The Lincoln Memorial
5. The Vietnam Wall

i have a feeling when i GO TO HAWAII IN APRIL that this might all change. Happy New Year everyone!

Thank You Lord for being so incredibly amazing. Thank You for creating people to be just the way they are, and then placing them in our lives at just the right times to show us things about ourselves and about You. Thank You for awesome friends that point us just one way, and that is toward You. Thank You for allowing us to have deep, intimate relationships with other people that bring joy and peace to our souls in a way nothing else can. Thank You Jesus.

anyone with me on this?

I have a major appreciation for my friends today, and for the fact that God has blessed me with the kind of friends that always point me heavenward, and send me to God first before I come to them. What an incredible blessing.
-peace to one and all

ok so i did it. i went shopping. and nearly 300 dollars later, here's what i came out with: a tv, a christmas tree, a comforter, a set of flannel sheets (all for my apartment), a bottle of my favorite perfume (a splurge), 4 shirts, and a pair of pants. i think i did pretty well. i feel EXTREMELY guilty though. i always do after after i take a shopping spree, though it has been like over a year since i have had one. so maybe it's not so bad...i don't know. i hate worrying about money. anyways, that was my day, shopping, dinner at the hamby's with relatives of theirs, more shopping with kelly, and then more shopping by myself. it was great. tomorrow i'm hitting the flea market....ahhh somebody stop me!!! hehe
Good winter's night to all.... 

well thanksgiving was officially over 2 hours ago. i hope that everyone had a great one, and realized what all they have to be thankful for. i slept all morning, worked all evening, and then came back and have done some laundry and cleaning. i'm about to settle down with a christmas movie though, i'm in the mood. i'm also trying to decide if i want to go to wal-mart at 5 am and buy a new tv, because i have been wanting one and i can get an awesome price in a few hours. i just don't really want to battle holiday shoppers. it's not worth that much trouble really. so i'm not sure. i'm ready for the christmas season though! even if i do want it to be over so that work won't be so nuts. i can't wait to move a week from tomorrow! it's so exciting! ok that's about all my news! i'll write again soon about all the fun stuff i've bought for my apartment already.
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all, a Good Night!

So honestly, I'm struggling tonight. I have a major self-worth problem to tell the truth. Somedays I just really hate who I am and I really hate that I try to be someone else. I don't typically bring this on myself, it is typically brought on by my friends. Because somedays I love my friends, and other days I wonder if they just pretend to be my friends for my sake. So yeah I'm struggling tonight. I just want to feel loved. And this would be one of the nights that I don't.
Lord, teach me to not desire the world's approval and affection, but only Yours. Because You love me like no one else ever can, and in my heart, I know that's good enough for me. Just help me remember.
Ok just thought I would share the depths of my heart with phusebox land tonight, because I usually don't share the depths of my heart with anyone. That's what's in my heart tonight.
peace to one and all

Ok so I know that I have needed to update really bad on my dad. He is doing good as of today, and I think he is coming home either tomorrow (Friday) or Saturday. The surgery Monday went really well, and there were a few complications Tuesday night and Wednesday but he has come through really well. I'm sorry it has taken so long to update, but working full time is crazy! When I'm here I'm sleeping!

So tonight's concert at Bonhoeffer's was incredible. Leslie, Sean McConnell, and Ryan Horne. Leslie was amazing, but then again, did we expect any less? You really missed out if you didn't see this show. Afterwards I went and ate with some people and we sat and talked for a long time, and we just really had fun. It was a great night.

Alright I need to go catch about 2 1/2 or 3 hours of sleep before another work day and then the Hoedown(ride) tomorrow night. I'll be seeing ya'll later.

Quote of the night: "Sorry I didn't hold you open!" -Suz to Summer

ninight

guys please remember to pray for my dad's surgery in the morning. i'm still really scared and i'm asking for all the prayers i can find. thanks in advance you guys are great! 

I found out that my dad is having open heart surgery on Monday morning. A quadruple bypass. I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to death. If you are the praying type, please pray for him. If I lose him, I've lost everything. For those of you that don't know, my mom died 2 1/2 years ago. So this is uber frightening. I'd be very grateful for your prayers. That's all I can ask, and all I can say.
-me

so pretty sure fall retreat this weekend rocked. the speaker was totally awesome, he could completely capture my attention and then hold me breathless until he was done. which is hard to do with someone as inattentive as myself. but it was awesome and i really learned alot about myself, and more about the wonderfulness that is my Heavenly Father. i also learned more about a few close friends, and formed a new bond with one of them, which is totally awesome. so in all, it was an amazing weekend.

so on to some more awesome news, my new job rocks. for those of you who don't know, i now work for gaylord entertainment at the opryland hotel. the perks rule, and the money is great. but Lord, please don't let money take over my life.

something small but awesome is that my dad is thinking about actually letting me come home for Christmas break. i think i would like that. it might be nice. please pray that he says yes.

and the most awesomest of everything...my friends rock. my God rocks. 'nuff said.

-Joy in abundance

honestly, i don't think i have ever been this uncertain, confused, frustrated, clueless, etc.... about the rest of my life ever. i have no idea right now where my future is headed, and it's scary! i know that God has it all figured out for me already and that is AWESOME but i don't know where to take my next step! please say a prayer for me if you think about it.... everything is so foggy right now when it comes to even a month from now. thanks guys. God bless. 

So I have this deep dark secret that I've never told anyone before. And honestly, it's eating me alive. The reason that it is eating at me is because I realized how much that it totally can affect the rest of my life depending on what I do with it. I think that the secret explains alot of what has been going on in my life lately when it comes to school and work. But it has made me question whether I should let it out and let it determine the course of the rest of my life or if I should just keep keeping it a secret and live life the way it is, in questioning confusion forever, not knowing what could have happened if I had told the secret. Hmm...I think I just answered my own question. I really think that I am ready to share my secret. It's just freaking scary because it's a really big life-changing deal! But first I want to discuss it with a close friend (you know who you are) and make sure I'm cool with saying it out loud (!!!) before I tell the world. So everyone stand by...something big is coming.

P.S....it's a God-secret....

That was by far the best two day trip ever. I'll share some highlights and tomorrow when I get the USB cord I will share some pictures.

Sunday Night:
-One word: HOTTUB
-Tracie getting hurt and us lying about it and then Robin finding out that she really was hurt
-Bailey falling on her butt and getting a bruise the size of a softball
-The neon cross and how God spoke in the silence
-Praying together in the utter silence that we don't ever take the time to appreciate

Monday:
-Oversleeping on purpose!
-Forgetting the Dollywood tickets and having to go back and get them
-Megan, Tracie, Miss Lillian, the fiddle, and chicken hats...words cannot express how funny that was
-Me on a rollercoaster....WhAt?!
-The belts
-Dixie Stampede and eating dinner next to Joe
-Everyone drooling over the hot guy named Kyle on horseback...he even signed Tracie's hand
-Bonding...sharing moments and stories, learning each other, loving each other more, all while wearing fat pants and roasting marshmallows over gas logs (is that safe?)

Tuesday:
-Oversleeping AGAIN and having to rush to get out of the house on time
-Breakfast at Mel's Diner...enough said
-Beehive...a second heaven for all women
-Surprising Jade's sister while standing in front of a mirror ("I seeee you!")
-Eating Chinese in Sweetwater with Jade's sister's family
-Blowing a flat tire going 80 on I-75 and watching in wonder as Jade takes control and changes it
-A guy named Lawrence who felt convicted when he drove by so he came back and helped us
-Spending 7 hours in the car with Jade and Bailey...("we could have driven to Florida by now!")

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. I love my 8 sisters, and I would die without them. We had a great time, and I'm exausted! Goodnight!

-back to reality (or realty depending on what sign you read)

i'm leaving for pigeon forge in 2 1/2 hours...i'm really about to die of excitement. i couldn't even go back to sleep when i saw what time it was. i don't know what to do with myself! i suppose that i could pack...

so the showers in our quad bath are broken. i really would like to know how the 8 of us are supposed to take a shower when the showers don't work. one leaks really bad and the other one doesn't even turn on. of course no one cares right now cause i'm the only one here this weekend.

anyways, i'm going to go get even more excited. everyone have a great rest of fall break, i know i will with 7 of my best friends up in the mountains having the best time ever!!! bye!!

-me

ahhh....life is grand. ever since i overdosed on antidepressants, life is just grand. hehe. i'm just having a very happy day!
i got a new job today, it pays great, it's a great opportunity and it's just great.
i have wonderful friends, and they are just wonderful to me, and we have a wonderful time together, and it's just wonderful.
God is AWESOME, and of course that's just AWESOME!
so yeah that about sums it up! i hope everyone has a good fall break, i will miss everyone like crazy so hurry back to the boro!
of course monday and tuesday are gonna rule in PIGEON FORGE HECK YEAH I'M SO EXCITED!!!
alright anyways, haha, goodnight.

-silly on serotonin :o)

p.s. i got a new haircut, and if you haven't seen it, apparently you are missing a lot!