I won't complain to you if it is cold and I did not wear a coat.

I will not whine to you if I cut myself.

I won't cry to you if I trip because I was looking back.  

I will not wimper for help from you if I got myself caught.

I won't fuss to you because of the agonies I put myself in.  

So why do you do nothing but complain of your infermaries?

Why do you stab me to help yourself? 

I will come willingly but why do you gain pleasure from my blood?

Why do you set traps for me to walk into and hang myself.

Even then I will not cry out to you.

I will not beg for you to stop the tortue you put me in.

For I got there myself.

"I would give up forever to touch you..."

"I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they would understand.."

"When everything feels like the movies, ya bleed just to know you're alive..." 

"Iris" Goo Goo Dolls

Love this album "Dizzy Up The Girl" 

please enjoy my song selection 

So I have just kinda been hanging out. Friday I went to a see Peter Pan at the Renaissance center [Dickson TN]. It was not all I hoped for and more though. It was a great play don't get me wrong, but it did not meet my expectations. I thought it was a good play though. During the changing of the sets it could have been darker because I could still see them moving, I also heard some talk. I thought this to be very amateur, it also broke the kinda feel, if you will, of the play. There where a couple of sence that I thought Peter Pan should kiss Wendy. Yes I understand that it was not a romantic type play, but it just seemed right. Ok so Peter asked Wendy to be the mother of a bunch of kids that he takes care of, then safes her, and she basically begs for it. I quallify saving someones life enough for "dude kiss her"  I had to hold back from screaming that a few times. It seemed as though the main actors held themselves very well. Over all I enjoyed the play. I almost want to go buy another ticket and see it agian. For some reason I love, love, love, plays. So I just got home from work about an hour and a half ago. I love working, almost as much as I love seeing plays, lol. I work with Westerman Farm inc. Yes on Aaron's dad's farm. I just think it is great they are a corporation now. Gosh that is cool. I had to try to stop a 1600 pound bull today and I lost. He hit me with his head a few times and I jumped back. I was told that his neck and head strength could throw me 10ft in the air. So I was glad he was not really mad. He just wanted more feed. Well that is where my weekend is at.

I'm me
Me be
Goddamn
I am?

 Not very nice lyrics but a great song. Only says it once so Please enjoy and edit out that part in your mind. 

Well I had this really long blog written out about how much I hate christianity and the preacher and what not. I accidently deleted it before I posted it. Right after Aaron (my cousin that I live with age 29) came into my room and sat down and I told him that I have started to hate preachers and most people who claim to love Christ. We talked for a little while and he said that you see the bad the most because it sticksout you don't see the little woman giving up her meal so some child in Africa can have it. You see when people mess up. Forever it has been like that but there are more people fighting for what is right then screwing up. As long as we have one person fighting for the right thing we will be all right.

 

--

Ok so we didn't say all that but that was adding some in. You get the point. I was going to judge most of christianity for a few people being stupid pricks. I still love what Ghandi said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I really believe it is true and I still stand by it. But for all of those who are standing beside me from so far away I salute you my brother. 

Ok so I think today I am going to do something nice for someone. I am not sure who it will be or when but it will be today. I think it might even become a yearly thing. On the third of December Austin Mathis will do something nice for someone. Maybe even monthly. Like the monday after the first sunday of that month. Yeah what do you think? Just remember you yes you could be that lucky person!!!

Ok so I am going to do something nice for one lucky person today.  

Why is it that I feel different and the same all in one?

How can I do things different but see things the same?

Do I have alternate motives for you? or for me?

Why are there these other thoughts haunting me?

If I am not ready to jump then why do I try to fly?

If I know my max then why do I put 10 more pounds on the bar?

I don't look back

I look beside me to see what my shadow is.

My shadow is dark with these other feelings, 

How can you fight something that is not real?

Or is it real, how can I tell?

What makes something real?  

I can't see what is there but I know it is.

I can feel what is there but I can't touch it.

I can't fight what has been but I can move what is in front of me.

Can you remeove the black that follows me?

Do I want it to be removed, or is it what keeps me knowing what is real?

If you hate me then why do you say you love me?

If you ask for the truth then why do you deny it?

If you beg me then why do you push me so hard away? 

Where am I going to be with all of this?

Will you be there too, or do you fight hard in the other direction?  

And you're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive, and not dead

 

 

--

I have decided to post two songs today. I told someone I would post this for them but I am posting another that is not for the "Song of the Week" it is for "Song for the Austin" 

    Please enjoy Edwin McCain. 

If I were you would pretend like I didn't even see this blog. (just ignore it)

    Ok so I am going to start saying with my hate for the world is complete, I can now say whole....not heartedly, I deny having one. Ok...I can now say with everything in me that I hate the world. For all of those who still admire the world I am attracted to your ignorance. There are no good people. Only people who do mostly bad and some good. What is good anyways. What is the point in it?

    Now on to my next ramble. I hate those little survey things. gosh they are annoying, especially when everyone is doing them dang post something meaningful. I am guilty of posting one or two myself. But gosh do you really think anyone cares what you were doing 30 min ago? Heck I don't care what you are doing now or tomorrow. Yes I know YOU don't care what I think, then let me ask you one question if you don't care what I think, then why are you reading this? Maybe more of a question for yourself and not me.

    For those of you who know or have anything to do with the mime team then maybe you will understand my next ramble. It is turning into, for lack of a better word, crap. The parents think that they can control everything and that it matters who is doing what and who with. That only matters if they are doing it at mime. Let parents be parents at home that is why they are here not to tell everyone elses kids that they are doing something wrong. My mom may have not been the best example to say that she is guiding me in the right direction but Amber and Aaron are doing a heck of a job. What I do with that is up to me and my personal convictions. So maybe you should read this verse Matthew 7:3  please follow this link to the biblegateway NASB version of the verse. Now not that the students aren't doing a great job, because they are, they are doing better than I could have ever imagened me doing. Great job team, I give no recoginition to the parents, although there are some good ones. Some that I respect, there aren't many of them, there aren't many worth respect.

     With all of that said, or typed, I wish a good day to all.   

Creative title I know. If you could ask anyone in this world one thing who and what would you ask?

Click here to create your own painting.Why the heck are there butterflies on mine? That is kinda gay.      

 Happy Thanks Giving, please enjoy. 

 

 

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me 

I feel that at moments I must remind myself that I am alive. Thing have been going pretty good for me for the past few months, not perfect but better than before. I seem, I hate the phase "on fire for God," or "spirtually high" But I feel like I am in a pretty good place. Things are going pretty good all around. There are times where I seem like I am having a good day but I am probably having a great one. I don't let my emotions show really at all. I am cool with that. Ok so do you think that you would rather have on arm or leg that is weak and your the rest of your body be strong or would you rather your whole body be at the same place? But anyways I felt for the longest time that I was on auto piolet but then I realized I am just doing really good, Austin you are not used to this feeling, and you like it. I am not saying I don't need to work on things becasue I do, I would love to improve in my relationships, with God, my family and Elizabeth. Not other people, I hate people (true story) Not that I hate you ( I might ) but...oh well if you really want to know you can message me. But yeah I am kinda cool with this right here this feeling this life. I am at a point where I am really kinda happy with myself. Good job Austin you finally did something right. Thanks for the help all of you who did. Have a great Thanks Giving. I am sure that we all have something to be mad at but I bet all of those things don't come close to how manythings you have to be thankful for. That was kinda like a before we pray kinda thing at thanks giving dinner. Oh well I am done with my rambling now.

Peace.

 

Oh look for the song of the week sometime tomorrow morning.  

Are you happy?

Yes yes, Creed, one of the greatest bands ever. And as I was corrected before, One Last Breathe by Creed.

" Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere"

one of my close friends asked me today "why do you just not care, why do you have this whole hate the world thing going on?" i thought to myself and answered "what is not to hate that is of the world?" "the rain," she quickly answered "don't you love the rain" i answered after wondering where my love for the rain had gone "no i do not love the rain. one time a long time ago when i was so nieve i did.  i loved every part of it. the playing and just everything about it." she was quiet. neither one of us had a thing to say, until i found something, "now the rain is just there and only that." it hits the roof  falls to the ground and waters the flowers that i used to care about, the oak tree that repesented strength to me, but now, now all my strength is gone. i have nothing else i am laying in the rain drowning. no love, no strength, nothing left to care for, but then there is you, what happened to that?

 

You can tell my eyes are tired. 

I am tired of seeing the same old thing happen.

But this is new, I will keep my eyes open long enough for this.

I won't blink.

I can't afford to, there is too much at stake.

Was it worth putting it all this at stake?

Would we have made it here?

My eyes want to close I won't let them though.

I promise.

I am tired of this.

I am tired of running so hard to reach nothing.

I am tired of half way seeing things.

I am tired of the old. 

 My eyes are tired now.

I am tired of this feeling in my gut.

I am tired of knowing the truth.

Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power.

Where do I comprimise?

My body is tired now.

You exhaust me.

 

 

Long Trip Alone by Dierks Bentley.

" So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold"

I have finally lost all hope and faith in humanity I used to have. Everything that I used to trust in the world is gone. I can finally see that we are all selfish punks who only think of ourselves. Now do not take personal offense because I am sure that you are perfect. I am sure everyone who is a christian is. Oh did I mention that I lost hope in most of christians too. It is not that I am just pissed at the world, part of it. It is the fact that what I once thought was good, everything that I once thought was good was destroyed. I see athiests doing more good than christians. I see christians cursing out the drunk driver in front of them because he is swerving, instead of praying for them. "Preachers" lieing and stealing, "Christian" teachers blowing away what the christian faith stands on. The other night I found somethings that just makes me wonder if the world could ever possibly be good or even half way. Have we always been evil? Have we always had alternative motives. Was there a time when we were 3 years old running around with a towl on as a cape that we actually wanted what would help the world and didn't give a crap about ourselves? Was there a time when Adam and Eve loved and did excatly what God said. Was there a time when Cain loved Able? Has it always been this hell that we call humanity today?  Does anyone  think so? I want a conversation not just a remark.

(the battery)So I have found that in life there is one person (in most people's lives) that holds the most power. Ever heard the saying "One person can hold the power of 50"? Maybe not because I think I made it up. Oh well, I think it is true. Maybe it is a mom dad or brother. Maybe it is someone you look up to. IF they were to say "I love you" or "I believe in you, you can do it" that could mean more than the whole world saying it. Maybe it is a wife or a husband. A girlfriend or a boyfriend. I know for guys when they tell someone a problem they are having or going through or the way they delt with something, they are are looking for that person to say "well it is ok I know that if anyone can fix it, it is you." We don't want someone to help us, we tend to want to be the leader and be a strong one. Even if we know we need help we don't ask for it. We just screw up and learn from what we did. It makes us stronger. (Maybe I am just talking for myself) but, I find that in life you are only as strong as you make yourself. 

I don't like talking abou the way I feel. It makes me feel, well...I don't like to talk about it. Someone once asked me if I thought that guys were more emotional than girls. At first I did the typical guy thing. I said "No." Then I began to think about the conversation I was in. And if my answer was really correct. "No." Guys happen to be very emotional about diffferent things. Playing football if we lose there are some tears sometimes. Silly? Not to us. We played our hardest and we did not deserve to lose. It makes us sad. If our sports team is down in the last few seconds and all we need is a few points you better believe we are on our feet yelling during those few seconds. We are emotional about things that matter to us. If a relationship is important to us then we will tell you we love you and we will mean it. If you end that relationship then it cuts so deep the scar effects everything in us. The way we breath the way we think and see. All the way up to the top. We also show emotion, in different ways though. We don't sit there and cry, but we have the strongest urge to flip over the table we are sitting at. We are on the edge if one person says one thing we don't like they are in a lot of danger of us hitting them. If we care about something then we usually make it number one. Of course we care about somethings more than others, most of the time it goes in this order. relationships, sports, family, and well we kinda stop the list there. That does not mean that we don't care about anything else it just means that we care most about those therefore, if we show emotion about anything you can bet that it will be about those. But still I don't think they are more emotional. How girls (correct me if I am wrong) Tend to care about many things. They are evenly spread out. I think that we probably have more emotion just differently set. Guys put it into 3 main things Girls possibly 20 things. That is why when a guy is asked What do you wanna do, or What do you want to eat. He answers I don't care, mainly because he doesn't. Guys will probably just go along with the flow. Especially when it involves one of three things. If we are in a relationship we don't care what we do together, as long as we are there together. It also bothers the heck out of us to not know something about the girl we like.

I guess that was my little  insight on guys for any girl who really cares, or for any guys that aren't really guys. And remember kids,
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

This is "It's Been Awhile" by Staind. I like this song because it makes me think of me. That sounds kina vain lol. Enjoy whether you like it or not.

Ha Ha. I am not allowed completely to say what I did but I will laugh at it. Ha Ha *taunting mean laugh* Ha Ha. I did not do something bad just something worth laughing about. Ha Ha. I can't talk about it because it is like Top Secret Vietnam stuff. But I would enjoy it if you laughed with me. So please remark with your own laughter. (trust me you would laugh) Ha Ha. I will use the code "the cat lost his foot" to describe what happend. Ha Ha.

Ok well this has been on myspace for a few days just tell me what you think.

Why is it that I am having trouble swallowing?

Why is it that I am having trouble breathing?

I know why I don't want to.

Why is it that I am having trouble thinking of You.&Me. as just that?

Why is it that I am having trouble thinking of not saying those three words to you everyday?

I know why I want to.

Why is it that I am having trouble understanding why it is this way?

Why is it that I am having trouble when only ten minutes separate our voices? 

I know I need help.

Why must I be so terrified of everything? 

Why must I screw things up?

I have no clue

Is there anyway I have the strength to pull You.&Me. Out of this? God knows I want to.  

Is it those three words that got us in that deep?
Or was it that one action of just that?

Is it your blue eyes that drug me in too deep and drowned me?

Is it the fact that I have no clue what to do?

Is it the fact that you were the warmth in my bones that pushed me?

Is it the fact that I screwed up everything else in my past that it was only natural for me to do it now?

Is it the fact that there is only one thing I dream of when I finally go to the hell I call sleep, and that one thing is what saves me from the monster I call myself?

Or maybe is it just the fact that those three words are I love you?

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.