I asked, "This is gonna kill me? Are you sure?" She said, "Yes.

"Well I guess I am gonna die" -some one of some importance (I think)

 

"There is a difference in switching to auto then pressing a button, and staring down the sights into the eyes of the person and putting a bullet in his heart" -someone else (why I am going to become a sniper)

 

 

"Some people call me the space cowboy some people call me the gangster of love"

 

Great song. Please enjoy "The Joker" by Fatboy Slim 

How can I not stop where I am at and look around me for the good.

I see what is happening to me, where I am going but I am not there yet. I see me in the future, the future me is on his knees screaming at me to stop but the screams are nothing to my deaf ears. I must learn by doing it is all I have ever known. It is what I am still taught. I must screw up myself to get it right. Never to be done by others examples. What do you want me to say. I am stupid? yeah I am. What do I want to hear? "Austin you are better than that?" No because I have told myself countless times. God can't help someone who doesn't want it. God can't be there where he is not acepted. Even if he when he is there I push him to the side and tell him the same thing I have told all who have tried to stop me. "Go away, I will learn for myself." I have told myself that. Even now admitting it is not hard. It is like admitting that a train is coming and I am standing on the tracks, it does nothing to talk about it. It does me nothing to see thousand others die before me, I must learn for myself that trains are a little stronger than me. I must kill myself to live. Do not tell me I am mortal, as far as I am concerned I am still alive. So far, I am invincible.  

 

So have been told a lot this song reminds people of me. I guess it kinda does describe me. I will be the first person to tell you I don't care what you have to say about me. But if you are going to be say something about me, be a man and say it to my face. That is all I ask. So for those of you who like to tell people how to live thier life...don't waist your breath on me. Listen to the last line of the song...I like.

I don't normally post blogs like this but I am going to give it a try.

So today is going to be like a really long day but I am expecting it to be pretty frigging good. Weight lifting in football which is awesome in itself cause I get to show off my huge muscles. Then I am going to walk to the hospital at about 4 after school. So late because I will be working out late so I can get bigger and I am going to take a shower there. Like I said then I will be walking to the hospital which is pretty cool I love to walk. There are some pricks on the road though. Wednesday I walked there and this trucker laid on his air horn and kinda scared me but it is cool I am sure he got a good laugh out of it, I don't mind people being happy if it is at my expense. I will hang out there for about an hour and a half, then I am going to Elizabeht's house to hang out with her family which will be pretty cool. I really have never seen her WHOLE family. I have meet her mom, dad, smallest sister, her big sister, and two brothers...I get confused with names though. I hope I really don't embarress myself though. Oh well if I do. Then I begin the long ride home. I hope everyone else has an equally exciting and good day...wait no I don't. Just go do...whatever I don't care. lol  

I have redescovered one of my all time favorite movies (not including Forrest Gump and Princess Bride) Tombstone. I love most western movies I think. Any ways I have watched this movie about 3 times in the last few days...Yes bored I know. This is a great movie and it baffles me to find out how many people really have no idea what I am talking about when trying to quote the move. "I'm your huckleberry." I think that if I could be anyone in that movie I would be one of three people...yes it is that hard to decide. I would either be Doc Holiday played my Val Kilmer. He was the fastest in the west at that time and well a drunk but even when he was drunk he had his witts and speed about him. He was also a well educated man being a doctor. Now note I would not like to be a drunk or die of lung disease like he did...I have seen it happen in real life an it is not an enjoyable thing to go through but none the less Dr. John Henry "Doc" Holliday "He was the most skillful gambler, and the nerviest, fastest, deadliest man with a six-gun I ever saw." -Wytt Earp.

    Which brings me to my next and 2nd in ranking of "wanting to be" Wytt Earp. His reputation preceded him everywhere he went. He was called many things from "Kansas law dog" to "American Legend" Either way you put it and no matter how he tried he could not escape his fame and infamy of his Colt. I would not enjoy the fact that my brother died infront of me, but I would however enjoy being this great fighter even if he did do a lot of it for revenge in the end he got what he wanted and stood his ground for what he faught for. 

    The last is known as a deadly gunfighter, deadly outlaw-"and the fastest gun in all the West, the quickest ever known." Although that must not be completly true because of his early death due to Doc Holliday in a draw. I idealize Johnny Ringo, the amazing cowboy, because not only was he an amazing fight with a gun but he was very educated and knew two languages fluently. There is just something about being an outlaw during this time that sounds fun. This quick draw was infamous for being the most deadly man in Texas and all the West until he and his cowboy gang had a run in with Wyatt Earp and his companions in a Arizona town known as Tombstone. There was only one fight Jonny Ringo did not win...and that is all there ever has to be. ]

    So yeah those three people, men, fighters, outlaws, lawdogs, and fasinating people are and always will be the people I could see myself being if I lived during this time. I absolutly love the movie Tombstone and as far as being historically correct it hits the head of the nail. So I would recomend it to anyone. Please enjoy the movie if you do decide to watch it, and if you do decide to watch it, I am sure that you will enjoy it.  

     

Ok so what happened to the American way? "We'll stick a boot in your a** it's the American way"? This is a very contraversial topic but I am going to dive head in and try to swim. We sent troops over there to fight a war, which we did. Now listen real quick. I am all 100% for killing the everyone who was involved in the planning, and had anything to do with the attack on America. But this war is no longer in Iraq. It is needing to be faught in Iran, where we are currently being threatend, and Afghanistan, where Bin Laden is believed to be. Instead we have our military men acting as police officers, which is not what they are first and foremost trained for. 

    Another question, Why the heck is our military such panseys? I am almost ashamed to want to enter into our Army. What the heck is up with our battleships complaining and whining to our government when a speed boat threatened to blow them out of the water. You know what should happened when someone threatens our military, or our country, or for that matter any innocent lives? They should have a quick and swift bullet in their head. Or in this case our battle ships, which did nothing, should have fired on the threatening ship. Say that the boat did fire on our ship, while we were complaining about this we would have a torpedo heading for us and then we would not have a chance to do anything. Then the people who are saying oh we have to wait until we are fired apon would be saying why didn't we do anything about this earlier. If we wait until we are fired apon that is too late. We hardly need to wait until we are given a mean look, that is when action should be taken, especially in a time of war. It is a lot easier to ask questions when people are dead. 

    I say that we stop having our fighting men turn into polic officers and let them do their job and get out. Now I am not politician or military man but as a teenager in America and in the world at this time I am forced to ask these questions. Rome did not become a great empire by sitting around and having meetings, they did it by killing everyone who opposed them. Same as the Egyptians, which I might ad were around for over 3,000 years. So they did something right. I am not saying that we become Natzi, I am just saying that we assert ourselves as a nation. Yes blood will be spilled but you better believe I would rather do something that is a little wrong to protect the entire nations good. If that means we shoot first then ask questions fine, at least then we won't have to worry about speaking Chinese in a few years.

 

What are your thoughts? 

 

Please enjoy Toby Keith's "Courtesy of Red, White,and Blue. 

Sorry for being really late.  

So within the next few months I am going to have to make a decision that will really effect my life forever....ish. I really want to apply for West Point and if I plan on doing so I must decide that before my softmore year...and well that is not so far away. I really like West Point and it is a great collage but I am not sure if that is what I want. After graduating I will have no higher rank in the Army than if I too ROTC at ASU. But West Point is incredbily profound. That is what I am leaning towards. West Point is also in New York though. So it is a really long drive to visit my friends and family. Aaron put it this way though. "If you are going to college for the state you are in then you are probably not going to learn now are you?" So I mean I would be leaving a lot of my friends behind but after those four years I could come back a 2nd LT. and well kick some tail. This would also be very helpful in running for president. My uncle Ron went to West Point and so did my Aunt Mary's Cousin...not really my aunt but that is what I call her other wise known as mocha. So overall the perks are much more overwhelming than the cons but I think that we all know Austin Mathis. He has to screw something up before he can learn from it....or do it the hard way first. Maybe it is a character flaw but that is the way I am. Obviously the smart thing to do would be to go ahead and try to get the goveners recomindation but like I said I am Austin Mathis and that is not how I do things. Right now though if people were to ask "Austin where are you planning on going to college?" I would reply "West Point" I think that it is probably the smartest choice. After graduating I would go into the Army's Speacial Forces unit, not Rangers but the other unit. Many people would refer to them as the Green Baretts but I talked to one and they said they hate being called that. So I call them by there actuall name Speacial Operations. So maybe in about 9 years people will be calling me commander Mathis...that is what I would like to accomplish by then...and well it is possible so...I guess it all just depends on what my desteny holds for me...or fate brings me to...what the box of chocolates has in it, as Forrest Gump would say. But now I will say Good Day to you and in a few years I will tell you that I am not at liberty to dicuss my missions thousands of miles away. Commander Mathis out.

So I know this is not what most people are saying right now but I need to gain about 25lbs...that is going to be my goal to be at before the football season starts...if I can get to 175 I will be unstopable...I know I will probably not gain 25lbs in less than a year though...so maybe I will get to 160 or 165.

I'm gonna take a Holiday in Spain.

So we made it through the hard and fragile time. The time where anything was easier than what we did or will still have to do. But let me ask you a quick question, "Is the reward for what you do worth the pain to get through it?" Our football coach says this in a different way. He talks about the championship and how we want to win it and how great it will be, he tells us that if we want to win then this is what you have to do to be a championship football team...and he is right. We have to sweat and we have to shed blood. Nothing in this world comes easy. It is like what the Barenaked Ladies say in the song "Falling for the First Time"

"Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost"

So never hold too tightly to anything unless you are prepared to lose it because anything can be taken away in an instant. That is why when you go through the more fragile things you in your life you must learn to have a soft but firm hand. So these past few weeks have taught me a few things. This blog seemed to drif places... 

 

ha ha ha

Heaven doesn't want you and Hell is too afraid you will take over. So I guess you will be stuck in pergatory with me...*quick smirk and gentle laugh*

 

This is for when you have hardened yourself so deep it is hard to feel yourself again.

This is for when you have made yourself so proud you can't let that one tear go even when you want to.

This is for when you have lost everything and you still can't admit it to anyone, not even yourself.

This is for when your emotions, or what you have left of them cannot help you.

This is for when you have no control over your mind.

This is for when you beg to keep things the same, only different.

This is for when you try to scream but nothing crys out.

This is for when you cry out but no one can get to you for the bridges you burned.

This is for when you want to do something but you don't want to hurt the person that you have to do it to. 

This is for when you are so screwed up inside you can't tell which way is up.

This is for me.  

I love you.

What the hell does that mean?

Break it down and explain it to me because all I can tell you is that I am not too sure.

Maybe it is because I am terrified of commitment.

Maybe it is because I hate not seeing you.

Maybe it is because I hate your parents.

Maybe it is because I only want what I can't have.

Maybe it is because we have different futures.

Maybe it is because I am still not past that.

Maybe it is because of how far I still have to go.

Maybe it is because of who I am.

Maybe it is because of who you are.

Maybe it is because of our last conversation.

Maybe it is because we seem so different.

Maybe it is because even though it hurts so bad it seems right.

Maybe it is because of that one gut feeling that hurts so bad but tells me it must be right.

Hell I don't know it might just might just be because of how screwed up I am inside.

But everything inside of me is screaming something different all at the same time....and my heart and head are silently oving the conflict.  

It may not excatly describe me but it comes kinda close. Please enjoy Eric Church's "Guy's Like Me" I am so sorry for being late with this post please forgive me.

Do you think there are good and bad people in the world?

Or do you think there are only good people who do bad things sometimes.

Honestly, which am I to you?  

So I finally did what I have been try avoiding doing for a long time. I took a cold hard look at myself. Something that was over due. I saw somone I was for sure inlove with but I saw something in that person I need to change...yes in the metaphore I am in love with myself....ok fine any day of the week I am in love with myself.  I know I need to change somethings about myself that no one else sees. The thing that those people love about me. I have had help from my brother making me realize that it is a lot like a gun fight. A western draw. You don't have to be the first to draw, the first to draw is usually first to die. You must be the first to realize what is going on. You have to be steady, calm, and no doubt insane. It is the only way that other people see you. (thank you Levi Davis for the help realizing those things). But you know what, You are the only person you ever have to live with. God has forgiven you already no matter how much you want him to forsake you. So now deal with yourself, your own convictions. What is right, to you, what is too far, for you, How far will you go before it is too far, for you only. That is the only thing that matters. It is not the girl you are dating, your family, or heck even your wife. One day they will be gone and you better has hell not look back and say man I screwed up because it will eat you alive until you are dead and those people who you passed by to help yourself are there waiting in the after life. At least you did something good for yourself when you screwed them over because if they care about you they will understand. Kinda like a gun fight, you better not be looking back saying, "man I should have shot a little to the left" Chances are if you are able to do that you are probably doing that from your back and those are your last thoughts. But I guess sometimes you just have to give in, other times it is enough just to take a positive step in the right direction. And even though it seems cliche you should just try to be there for them.  For so long I ahave done the opposite of what my best friend told me, today he stopped me from doing one of the stupidest things ever. I guess when the people you expect to screw up do something right for once it knocks you on your...well back...and you have no other choice to accept their hand as help.

There should be a law about putting up those dang survey things on phusebox. on myspace you can use bullitens so not everyone has to see them. Because the cold hard truth is no one really cares what kind of gum you chewed two hours ago, or what song you are listening to. Yes I know if they bother me so much then why do I read them? I DON'T. They take up so much dang room on here. It pisses me off that I have to scroll down to get past someone thinking that other people care about that blog. Now has anyone read all the way through on someone elses survey? Like every single word? Yes I know my blogs are long and annoying. I bet not one person has read all of mine. But mine mean something I am not talking about what kind of socks I am wearing, dang. Any ways back to where I started. There should be a law against putting those surbvey things on phusebox...at least limit them to like 3 a week.  Well that is my whining for the day.

So yeah I have screwed up a lot in the past. A lot of things went wrong that in that moment I would have done anything to change. But now in this moment I am fine with everything that has gone wrong because it has brought me to this one place where I fine with being. I take that back and in this one place am absolutly, wonderfully, greatfully, blessed, to be alive to be here now.

I sencerly appologize for being late with this week's "song of the week" I ask for your forgiveness. I put it off and put it off and I forgot. But don't let me being late stop you from enjoying, Brett Dennen's "Ain't No Reason"

A Christmas Carrol

For the first time in a long time I finally feel the urge to smile and embrase what is happening around me. I see the hundred of years of it happening, and the people where I once was and now have came to where I am. I feel the urge to fall and praise why it all happened. I hated Christmas but now I see ya know it is not for me at all. It is for the little ones who still believe in santa the ones who write letters and leave out the cookies, the parents who stay up late together as their 4 year old lays asleep with them waiting for christmas. That one big fight between the newly wed couple who managed to put it behind them for the sake of Christmas. It is for the ones in the nursing home who believe that the baby doll is alive and they spend their last few dollars to buy it a new bib. It is for the mom who lost all her kids and everything she loved, who stayed home and made a turkey sandwitch for dinner. The son who sends out a letter from jail in wishes that his family has a great Christmas as he paid for the mistakes that he willingly admits to. I speak of these things out of knowledge and first hand experiance only. It is for the soldier who fights for your right to hate why he is fighting. And sit in that fox whole another 8 hours so his friend can get christmas chow. It is not for me to hate. It is for me to respect the ones who it is for. One day I will be there. One day I will shed the tears as the ones before me did. Until then I will join the the song singing. The christmas traditions. I pray to God that he stregthens me because I am nothing and have nothing. I have no place to say what I think. I was dropped into this family, and yet they caught me who am I to say what I think? Dear God bring to my knees, I pray that you teach me how to stand on my own.

 

Merry Christmas. I now understand.  

I would love remarks.

Ok real quick I am just going to give you my opinion on torture, it is fine. I am pro-torture. But I am not going to write about how great torture is I am going to follow the current debate to whether "Waterboarding is Torture, and is torture right or wrong"

    For those of you who don't know waterboarding is what we did to

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who is the Al Qaeda number two guy that planned 9/11. Waterboarding is simply  restraining the subject and  placing a rag or cloth over his face and mouth then,  pouring water over him to give him the "sensation of drowning" without actually doing any harm to the subject. 

   Now that you know what waterboarding is let me tell you a little about the people I am talking about in the following paragraph. Nancy is the Speaker of the US House of Represenatives. 3rd in line for President.  Go back to 2002 after the 9/11 attack on America. The CIA breifed Congress on their techniques of obtaining information. The entire Congress including Nacy Pelosi asked if they were doing enough and if they need to use more than just waterboarding, which was one of the things the CIA breifed the Congress on. Congress had no objections to the CIA. Then in 2003 she conccured with a Democratic colleague in a letter to the CIA. Now one of the senators says "I don't want the United States to engage in the type of torture that [Senator] John McCain had to endure." John McCain went through waterboarding back in Vietnam. So now I have to ask does Congress have any idea what they want or where the heck they stand?

John McCain went through what every American Special Forces team must go through to complete training. A school called SERE training. SERE stands for Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape. You are trained to Survive the torture that the enemy does. Waterboarding is only one tactic they learn of and survive in SERE school. They are taught this in extreme forms though. They are trained as if they were captured by the most feared and ruthless war lord there is. They do this to simulate what will really happen if captured. And that is what happend to John McCain. He was captured and went through torture such as waterboarding. Now the enemy and Al Qaeda are exercising much worse Techniques of torture. Cutting off our military men's heads and sending to their families. Torture using electic tools to shock subjects while covered in water. Now these things are used to invoke fear, and hardly to gain information. So how can you say that when we are doing it to save people that it is wrong? Not forgetting the training out men go through to ensure that they can protect us is far worse then the waterboarding that Khalid Sheikh went through. 

    Sure the vidoes were destroyed but does it really matter? Do you really care what the CIA is doing to protect you? As long as you are safe right? It is the same arguement of should priviate citizens be allowed to own a gun? We have to right to own a gun first for the protection of an uprising governement and second to protect ourselves. So if you are mad about the CIA protecting us then why do you have a gun? Ok say you don't have a gun. Then you rely completly on what our military does for that protection. Say that you don't have a gun and we did not get information form the Al Qaeda members. Say that they went through with their plans because we did not torture one person. Now Al Qaeda is in America the priviate citizens don't have weapons and we don't know how to stop Al Qaeda from taking over America because we are a Nation that doesn't believe in a little pain to protect their people. I believe in a don't ask don't tell policy. I am fine with whatever the governement does to protect us. If it legitmitly protects us and not knowing about it. As far as I am concered they could have played russian roulette with the man to get information. If the bullet lands on him then that is one less Al Qaeda member we have to worry about. If it lands on us then he died in service and deserves a proper funeral, flag folded 21 gun salute and the whole shabang. (Russian Roulette is taking a revolver and putting a bullet in one chamber spinning the cylinder so the bullets location is unknown and taking turs with the gun to eachothers head pulling the triger)      

      Ok so those are some of the facts now let me ask you some questions and give you some personal  opinion, sound good? Good.

So are we not able to trust the people who are trying to protect us any more? We must question what they do to save American lives? It is a fact that the information the CIA recieved from  Khalid Sheikh Mohammed did save many American lives. So let me ask you do you think hurting someone is wrong if you save someone else? Do you think that a little water in the mouth and lungs that burns some is bad if you save your best friend, spouse or brother? Is waterboarding torture, maybe, but the fact is, is that it helped people live. I told you before I am pro-tortue, I say do what you have to do to help people live. Is that not what a doctor does? He may do something that hurts a little but you better believe he is doing what is best for you in the long run. So what do you think. Are you going to stand with the majority because there are more people on that side, or are you going to stand up for what you truly believe in. Don't pull a Nacy, don't say you are for torture just because I am, don't say you are against torture because now Congress debates it. It is all about personal convections. Because you are the only person that you have to live with forever. 

Yes I know really really crappy video but, it is the only one with good sound quality and a clean video. Yes Tyler is coming back that is why I posted it. Sad I did not post a Christmas song? you can read and find out why later in my blog today. But hey call Tyler some time when he is here message for number.  Please enjoy Thin Lizzy with their song "The Boys are Back in Town"

Have you ever came away from a church and thought to yourself wow that worship really didn't do much for me? I have. Ever kinda thought wow that band could have been better...that singer missed a note and kinda hit  a few flat spots? I have came away from a few churches critizing their bands. Then I kinda got to thinking...and listening to Pastor Pete. Worship has nothing to do with you, or what you think of it. Well it does have to do with you doing it. A lot of people who go to church seem to think "well I don't really worship, when they are singing...I just don't worship. There are groups of people who worship and who don't. I am in th don't." The fact is EVERYONE worships. Even if you are an athiest you worship something. It is just a matter of what it is. I can garentee you that the person who "doesn't worship" goes home and tries to be as popular as they can.  Or as accepted as possible. That is a form of worship...not good but it is still a form. Who or What you worship can form you. You can and will become a reflection of what you worship. If you worship popularity then you will become the world. If you worship acceptance then you will become a slave of everyone around you. If you worship the almight God then you will become more rightous in the things you do. So everyone worships it just depends who or what you worship that shapes you. Also how you worship can shape you. If you only worship once a week in a church to the song "Just as I Am" During the alter call that lasts for 20 min and in your opinion you think is 19 1/2 minutes too long. Then yeah it will be harder for you. But if you worship God 24/7 (wow a lot a fractions in 2 1/2 sentences...ahh can't stop!!!) in everything you do then it really means something. If you randomly find yourself doing something that you could not worship God while doing then why are you doing it? Just something to ask yourself during the day. Have a good one.