How can I not stop where I am at and look around me for the good.

I see what is happening to me, where I am going but I am not there yet. I see me in the future, the future me is on his knees screaming at me to stop but the screams are nothing to my deaf ears. I must learn by doing it is all I have ever known. It is what I am still taught. I must screw up myself to get it right. Never to be done by others examples. What do you want me to say. I am stupid? yeah I am. What do I want to hear? "Austin you are better than that?" No because I have told myself countless times. God can't help someone who doesn't want it. God can't be there where he is not acepted. Even if he when he is there I push him to the side and tell him the same thing I have told all who have tried to stop me. "Go away, I will learn for myself." I have told myself that. Even now admitting it is not hard. It is like admitting that a train is coming and I am standing on the tracks, it does nothing to talk about it. It does me nothing to see thousand others die before me, I must learn for myself that trains are a little stronger than me. I must kill myself to live. Do not tell me I am mortal, as far as I am concerned I am still alive. So far, I am invincible.