My brain feels like it's been ripped out, stomped on, and kicked around.

"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."

Yeah, that basically sums things up.

So, I got a job.

But it's no ordinary job.  I am - drumroll please -

An internet researcher for a managment recruiting company.

Meaning I research resumes online to submit to this company's database, which they then send to other companies looking for employees.  I am the youngest person there by 15 years, and one of the few who doesn't speak Japanese.

It's pretty cool, I guess.

Not quite Taco Bell, but, eh, it'll do.

Christina

Latin is eating me. 

And I'm sure the ACT is already licking his chops.

Or her chops?  Maybe the ACT is female.

Either way I am Standarized Test Chow.

I dreamed I was on a tropical island and it was raining.  Nearby, off the shore and under the ocean, a woman who looked like Ms. Matuzewski was crying in a cage.  All around me were large pink creatures which looked something like fleshy domes, singing "Boogie Wonderland."  Immediatly I realized that this was the song that would unlock Ms. Matuzewski from the underwater labrynth, so I tried to persuade them to sing it for her.  It didn't work, so I began hacking at them with my machete, hoping it would persuade them.  Instead, they began to wail and kill each other.  They all died, and I felt horrible for what I'd done, so I pulled off my ears as self-punishment.  Then I realized I couldn't help Ms. Matuzewski if I couldn't hear, so I tried to reattach my ears.  My attempt was in vain, though, because at that moment a swarm of flesh-eating grasshoppers began to attack me, tearing away at me as I ran toward the nearest palm tree until I awoke suddenly with a cry of "But my ears!" that had my sister inquiring the next morning as to the nature of my previous night's dream.

...and that's all I have to say about that.

Yesterday was interesting.

Volunteering at the homeless shelter was an amazing and humbling experience.  I definitely think it's something I want to do more often.

Then the chamber choir girls' sleepover…wowee.  Those girls are wild and I love them.  "Let's put cheese on her face!"  "Yeah!!" 

Mmm.  So, call me selfish and impatient…but…I really wish I had a boyfriend.  I'm not one to complain – I'm perfectly happy as I am, and satisfied in God, but I feel like I'm at a point in my life (as opposed to last year) where I'm actually ready for one, emotionally.  That would be great, except…no one likes me.  No one has ever really liked me, except one or two perverted creeps.  Yes, I'm a strong, independent woman, and yes, I know God has a plan for my life…but I'm also cold and lonely sometimes and I just wish I had a boy who would call me and tell me I'm pretty. 

Sigh.

Anyway.

See you delightful people later.

<3 Christina

These days we are watching the slow death of one of English's seemingly most important elements – the declarative sentence.  From what I gather through listening, nothing is certain anymore.  Statements – definite or otherwise – no longer end confidently with the unequivocal period, but rather trail off into the interrogative with a slight questioning tone and the ambiguous 'You know?"

"I was walking to History yesterday?  And I saw John?"  Was the speaker walking to history yesterday?  Did she see John?  Or is she in fact asking her listener for an answer?  Nothing is asserted anymore; rather, we present to others semi-certain ideas for which we desire some sort of verification, whether that be an encouraging "Mmhmm" or the slightly more eloquent "Yeah."

Do we really need to question ourselves as such?  Maybe this is just another, you know, symptom of our increasing disarticulate...osity?  And also partly due to a lack of vocabulary for getting our thoughts across to others and…stuff.  We need encouragement from others…so…yeah.   I think maybe it's kind of a thing where we have no idea what we're saying – you know, what our ideas are even in our own head – so, like, how is anybody else going to get it? You know what I'm saying?

Eloquence is a trait of conscientious people who understand that communication is the basis of life as we know it, and who therefore strive to maintain a level of coherency in all their words, both spoken and written.  There is no need to speak with doubt when you understand what you're saying and know that you're saying it in such a manner that others will understand it too.  So go ahead, throw back your shoulders, look your listener straight in the eye, and do what few people today dare to do – speak declaratively.

85 random questions.

1) Last thing you burned while attempting to cook?
Only everything I’ve ever made…

2) Describe yourself in 3 words?
Plain.  Complex.  Frustrating.   

3) How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
1 hour 45 minutes

4) Favorite place to blow $50?
Charlotte Russe.

5) How many people have you thought were "the one"?
One

6) What is something that turns you off from the opposite sex?
Swearing

7) What kind of car do you drive?
Teal ‘00 Civic  

8) What's in your CD player right now?

Wicked

9) What celebrity would you have coffee with?
Johnny Depp – cliché but hot.

10) What celebrity would you NOT have coffee with?
Paris Hilton

11) What kind of toothpaste do you use?
Crest Whitening plus Scope (I just checked)

12) What time do you go to bed?
As early as 8:00 when I’m dying, as late as 12:00.

13) Last movie you saw?
Harry Potter IV.

14) Last TV show you watched?
Something on the Style channel.

15) Who is your best friend?
Hmm.  Probably Lindsay.

16) Who in your family do you best get along with?
My dad.  I love him.

17) Who do you lust after?
That’s a silly question.

18]) What time is it?
6:44

19) Are you planning a vacation/travel?
Trying to get money for NYC & Mexico.

20) When/Where was the last time you traveled?
Fall Break - Chicago

21) How many times have you been in love?

Really in love, never.

22) How old will you be in 10 years?
26

23) Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Married or soon to be; a teacher; hopefully happy.

24) Sinful snacking weakness?
Anything – literally, anything – that is sweet.

25) Rollercoasters?
Wooden > Steel

26) Ever run out of gas?
No

27) Ever been on a train?
Chattanooga Choochoo!

28) Ever been on a blind date?
No

29) Ever been to Europe?
Next year, hopefully.

30) What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day?
Get up ten minutes before I had to leave for school.  And look just fine.

31) Would you tell anyone it was you?
No, I’d have fun with it though…

32) Ever been arrested?
Once in Tulsa, but my court date hasn’t been set yet…no, I’ve never been arrested.

33) Have a crush on anyone you work with?
Well if I could ever get a job…

34) What is something you believe in?
God

35) What is something you fear?
Being raped.

36) Big or small?
Small.

37) What is the worst pain you have ever experienced?
After I got my teeth knocked out, and they stuck them back in without numbing them…

38) What is your favorite television show?
America’s Next Top Model.  Guilty pleasure.

39) Ever photoshopped yourself to look better in a picture?
Yuh.

40) Tell us something about your childhood.
I played street hockey constantly and I was – I kid you not – the most popular kid in school.

41) What would it cost for you to flash the person next to you?
I’m alone, thanks.

42) Best time to catch you in a good mood?
About 6:00 am.  Yeah, I’m a morning person.

43) If you could be anything for one day, what would it be?
A princess <3

44) Most prized possession(s)?
My kitties.

45) Would you ever sell it/how much?
They’re priceless.

46) What is one of your pet peeves?
People who yawn loudly.

47) Favorite kind of ice cream?
Butter pecan.  No, cookie dough.  No, lime sherbet.  I don’t know.

48) Coolest thing that happened today?
The puppies started barking and playing with each other.

56) What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Frappucinos – Java chip if I’m sad, mocha if I’m happy, caramel if I feel adventurous, and lately the eggnog one.

57) What is/was your biggest mistake?
Last year’s obsession.  I regret it more and more all the time…

58) Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
No

59) Say something totally random about you:
I have hammer toe, a condition affecting the tendons in my ankles and toes.

60) Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Does Amy Brenneman from Judging Amy count?

61) Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
“The Suite Life of Zach and Cody” is amazing.

62) Did you have braces?
For three and a freaking half years.

63) Are you comfortable with your height?
I love it – I’m not too tall or too short.

64) What is the most romantic thing done by someone of the opposite sex?
No one’s ever done anything romantic for me that I can remember…

65) When do you know it's love?
When you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness for theirs.  When you would die for them.

66. Do you speak other languages?
Latin.  O Tempora!  O Mores!

67) Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
Cancer beds?  I’ll pass.

68) What magazines do you read?
Discover, Teen Vogue, Time, Christianity Today – a diverse group.

69) Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes and it was pretty sweet.

70) Has anyone you were really close with passed away?
Not really close.

71) Have you ever watched MTV?
Not usually, but Room Raiders is another guilty pleasure…

72) What's something that really annoys you?
Bad grammar from people who know better.

73) What's something you really like?
Mashed potatoes with white gravy.  Mmmm.

74) Do you like Michael Jackson?
He’s a little creepy.

75) Can you dance?
Like a madwoman!  Only not really.

76) What's the latest you've ever stayed up?
7:00 am.  Blehhhh…

77) Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
I almost drowned once…

78) Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No

79) Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
If it’s a good survey.

80) Who did you take this from?
Lexie Frensley.

81) Whats your full name?
Christina Catherine. 

82) If you had to pick another city to live in... but it was in the same state what city would you choose?
Soddy Daisy.  Just for the name.

83) Favorite place in the world?
My backyard in the late spring in the wee early hours with coffee and lots of stars.

84) Best feeling you ever had?
Every time I’m on stage…

85) Life goal or dream?
Be a high school English teacher, marry, have children, spend significant amounts of time in Italy, be Eponine in a performance of Les Miserables, honor God.

I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told
I had squandered my existance for a pocket full of mumbles,
such are promises...

Am I the only one who feels guilty for things I can't help?  Like...having been born in one of the richest, most materialistic societies in the world?  I always have trouble with this.  I have so much.  I am in need of virtually nothing.  But it's Christmas shopping time, and so many relatives are asking, "what do you want for Christmas?" and I feel so awful asking for anything at all.  I don't want stuff.  And the stuff I do want, like a chi iron or an ipod, I certainly don't need.  What I'd really like for Christmas is a job, so I can earn my own possesions.  Getting gifts always frustrates me, because I don't appriciate things unless I've actually worked for them. 

It all goes back to this greedy society of ours.  I blame the love of money. 

Sometimes I wish I had less, so I'd appriciate what I did have more.  I'm not thankful enough.  Considering how much stuff we as Americans have, I think very few of us really are...

And I know I could do something about it...give some of my possesions away, or something of that sort.  But I'm not faithful, and I'm too afraid, and I depend on all this stuff far too much, which is really sad.  I'm weak.

What  I really want for Christmas...

is to give everyone in the world a big bowl of tomato soup and a home knit scarf, and a hug.

I just figured out how to use my scanner...I've been trying for months (literally).  So now I will have pictures!  Yay!  That makes me happy.  Kind of like mashed potatoes.  I'm very thakful for mashed potatoes.  Just like I'm thankful for being alive and for my beautiful friends and for the amazing blessings that are heaped upon me, of which I deserve none. 

I love you.

Christina

So...a great inner struggle I'm having here...my grandparents will give me for Christmas either

$200 toward my NYC trip

or

an iPod Nano...

and I don't know which to choose...I need the money...but oooh, I want the iPod...

 I made Midstate Women's, which with my audition was the best I was hoping for...congrats to everybody who made Mid-State, and extra big congrats to those who made All-State!

Mmm, yesterday was so stressful.  After auditions (which = major stress) mom made me go job hunting...bleh.  There are few things which stress me out more than applying for jobs.

Places I've applied for a job:
Charlotte Rusee
Aeropostale
Hallmark
Marshall's
Bed Bath and Beyond
Subway
A&W
Taco Bell

You can see I started out with the really nice places and have been working my way down as I've gotten more desperate...lol.  Out of those I think my best chance is A&W...that would so crazy but my wallet's itching for money.

Then I went to Dana's party, which was great fun - I love that group of people.  I was really tired, though, from such a high-stress day, so I mostly just watched everybody else be crazy.  I did, however, explore a bamboo forest and get lost with Lauren in a field of scarf-eating pricklies. 

Thank goodness I don't have to sing Duo Seraphim again until February...

I have no chance whatsoever.  I screwed up. 

I wish I wasn't so mediocre.

 
I hope you guys like your yearbooks.  Always late but worth the wait, am I right? 

Tired.  Cold.  Busy.  But somehow I've been feeling less fatigued and stressed.  I mean, I'm still sleep deprived with loads of homework...but I'm not feeling the effects as much.  Which is nice.  Sanity has its upsides.

But I'm scared to death about all-state auditions...considering the music is hard, I'm on the most competitive part, my audition time is 8:36 am, and I'm not that good.  Mid-state women's is what I'm aiming for, mid-state women's...

And you know...I really couldn't care less about the Red Scare...

photo from Raisin
 West Side Story!

My break from xanga/phusebox wasn't helping, and it was just frustrating me, so I'm back (very) early.

Today is beautiful outside.  It doesn't feel like it should be November.  It's warm but breezy and the air is delicate and clear.  The trees are their usual faded green and gold with sporadic bursts of red and orange.  The grass is dying and on the wind is the sweet stink of rotting leaves.  Life is winding down, quieting, waiting for the winter, even as it's still warm as the early summer.  It's so lovely - so quiet, with a contaious peacefulness.

I've decided I'm going to marry a painter or a piano player.

Starting today, it all changes.
It's not so much an outward change as an inward one, so you might not notice right away.
But God help me, I'm going to go through with it this time

I definitely need another week off from the computer.

It helped last time.

I hope it will help this time.

I love you.

To move the world, we must first move ourselves.
-Socrates

What I said yesterday still stands, but -

today was amazingly fun. 

UT Latin Day. 

Latin kids are crazy. 

I feel like I know my first period class better than I'd ever want to...

and we're pretty cool. 

Rident stolidi verba latina.

Christina

It bothers me,

but I'm not even sure what it is.

All I know is…

things keep changing.

And for every thing that changes for the good,

something else changes questionably.

And sometimes for the not so good.

I know I can't go back –

I really don't know if I'd want to –

But is it wrong to say I'm a little scared about where I'm going?

Am I allowed a little doubt?

People have changed;

Heaven knows I wake up every morning a new person.

I'm restless.

I'm uncertain.

I take God for granted sometimes…

and He's not the only one.

I sort of wish for last year.

I was comfortable; I didn't grow much, but I was comfortable.

But not this year.

This year, I'm growing.

And I have growing pains out the wazoo.

I just helped a dog give birth...

Good heavens, I feel like I've been popping spastic mood swing pills all day.  My emotions are going to kill me yet.  If I randomly cry or punch you tomorrow, I'm sorry.  I'll try to make up for it.  I'm just going through another confused stage; I go through these about twice a week now.  I guess it's a symptom of living life right on the edge of busy and too busy.  A symptom of having 7 classes.  A symptom of having a bizarre "social" life this year (I say social in a most sarcastic manner).  A symptom of over-procrastination, self-doubt, and a lack of self-control.  Junior year is supposed to be stressful - in my case it's making me a little insane.  It's been a fun year - more freedom, more options, more privileges - but it's also been extremely tiring, especially compared to the breezy bliss of last year.  I think I'm just a little....off-color.  off-kilter.  off my rocker?  maybe.

But you know what?

Yeah, me neither.