Every night and every morn
some to misery are born;

every morn and every night
some are born to sweet delight;

some are born to sweet delight,
some are born to endless night.

Yesterday was the Military Ball, and I really had fun - probably the most fun I've had at any kind of dance (except maybe the model un dance where Jimmy and I brought potted meat) and I'm glad I went.

Today's the Superbowl.  I'm cheering for the Packers, as usual.  Brother: "Do you even know who's playing?"  Moi: "The Steelers...and....a bird team?"

It's all so interesting.  I'm really an idiot.  But an idealistic one.  I guess it's an okay situation to be in.

I'm moving on up in the corporate world - new responsibilites and privledges at the office, and now I'm part of a production team.  I'll have actual contact with clients and write profiles and all sorts of neat stuff.  Oh yeah.  Be jealous.

In a few weeks I'll be Cuban.  I anticipate it will be fun.

You know, I've been looking recently at Pepperdine.  It's completly outside my comfortable distance range for college - every other school I'm looking at is in TN, and it's in CA, but it would bring all sorts of opportunities.  And the campus and general area is gorrrrrgeous.  What do you think?

It's all so confusing.  I kind of wish we had fewer options. 

Just, in general.  We have too many choices.

And I usually make the wrong ones.

Anyway, I think I'll move to Switzerland and embroider handkerchiefs for a living. 

Join me?

So this last week has been insane...I can hardly recall a more eventful week.  It seems like Monday was a year ago.  Between West Side auditions Monday/Tuesday, voice and church on Wednesday, work Thursday, babysitting tonight, the Prom Fashion Show, randomly getting asked to Military Ball, hearing about all the Drama drama, hearing about all the regular drama, lots of homework, lots of tests and quizzes (two of which were history, requiring tons of prep), and the cast list finally going up, these last five days have been jam packed. 

I am a Shark Girl in West Side Story.  I kind of wish I had a name, but I guess I can make one up - I think I'll name myself Carmina.  That's purty.  And Spanish sounding.

Too much has been happening externally for me to be very reflective today....so I guess I don't have much to say.

Except maybe "usted robó mi leopardo púrpura, usted flamenco sucio del cristal?!?!?!"

A thousand miles seems pretty far
but they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way.
Our friends would all make fun of us
but we'd just laugh along because
we know that none of them have felt this way.
And Delilah I can promise you
that by the time that we get through
the world will never ever be the same -
and you're to blame...

Mr. Rabbit, Mr. Rabbit,
your ears are so long!
"Yes, don't you know, they were put on wrong!"
Oh, every little soul's gonna shine, shine
every little soul's gonna shine along!

It snowed.  The schoolboard waited until the lastpossiblesecond and then canceled school.  Now the snow has melted, but we are still not in school.  It's third period.  I'm in a bathrobe with coffee.  Altogether, a superb situation.

Apparently my birthday was Saturday....at least according to Lauren and the lady with the sombrero at Don Pablo's.  It was the closest thing to a birthday party that I've had in six years, and it was four months early.  I liked it.

Man alive.  I have all kinds of stuff to say, but not on a public forum.

I guess I'll leave you with this question:

If you had to choose between betraying your country, and betraying the person you loved most, which would you pick?

At His Brother's Tomb
Catullus

Multas per gentes et multa per aequora vectus
advenio has miseras, frater, ad inferias,
ut te postremo donarem munere mortis
et multam nequiquam alloquerer conerem,
quandquidem fortuna mihi tete abstulit ipsum,
heu, miser indigne frater adempte mihi.
Nunc tamen interea haec, prisco prisco quae more parentum
tradita sunt tristi munere ad inferias,
accipe fraterno multum manantia fletu
atque in perpetuum, frater, ave atque vale.

At His Brother's Tomb
translated by Christina Witt

Through land and sea have I my journey made,
and now at last with off'rings I arrive,
upon your grave so silent to be laid,
for you, brother, so recently alive.
The final solemn gifts of death I bear,
and with them words which vainly I will speak;
for you are gone, and do not hear or care,
still I must say, though tears begin to leak:
If there's a man who ought to live, it's you,
and fortune took you from me far too soon.
My poor dear brother, death should take me too!
It would be a relief to me, a boon.
But now receive these gifts of our tradition,
in death as painful off'rings they're passed down.
Forgive me, brother, for their damp condition -
drenched by the tears in which I wish to drown.
I pray that you in peace eternal dwell -
my dearest brother, greetings and farewell.

Mmm.
I had a wonderful time last night : 
baking cupcakes and watching the Lord of the Rings.
(I've given up pretending I maintain a social life.)
Also, I'm reading Til We Have Faces again,
because it is so good, and because reading it
reminds me of eating a hot fudgy brownie -
it's that satisfying.  I highly recommend it.

There are people I wish I knew better.  I could make a list.
I wish I could just stop them one day and say,
"Let's be friends," and then we'd be friends.
But we can't really do that.
We used to, way back when.
Circa kindergarten.
Then we started judging people based on
clothing, music, intelliegence, interests,
we began dividing into social groups,
and we became afraid of rejection
and we learned that you just can't be friends
without some common bond.
I guess that's true.
But I still wish I could know some people better than I do.

This society kills me.  I want to get away.
Life is so comfortable.
You can hardly call it life.
"Existing" maybe, but not really "living."
I'm not complaining.
I'd just like to live somewhere
where there wasn't all this noise.
Where people weren't so sarcastic.
Where beauty was appriciated,
and not exploited.

But that's just me being selfish.
I'm so incredibly egocentric.
It's a huge fault.
One of many.
I know that God is great,
because only someone much higher than man
could know everything about me
and still love me and want me with Him.

It's funny.
Sometimes I'm serious on here
and sometime's I'm completly shallow.
But I guess that's just how I am.

Next time will probably be fluff.


Till then.

"It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right." -Moliere

I don't like politics.

I hate what people become when political matters come up.

I especially despise political parties, or at least, the extremists therein.

I'm a moderate....pretty equally balanced conservative and liberal.

All things in moderation, right?  Politics, too.

I don't particularly like Bush, but I don't think Kerry could have done much better.

My vote goes to Henry Clay.  Good man, Henry Clay.  "The Great Compromiser".   It's a shame he's been dead 150 years.  He deserves the presidency.

Anyway, that's the first and last time I will touch on that subject here. 

I think I've lost all respect for the Oakland student body. 

So some of the classes I may want to take next year aren't strictly academic...as in, four out of seven of them...but if they're classes that are really important to me, shouldn't I be allowed to take them, even if they aren't ap calc and physics and may not look golden on my transcript?

I'm sick of always having to do everything for the future.  Why can't we just go to school and learn and grow like we should be doing?  Why do we have to worry so much about that oh-so-elusive "getting into collge" that we aren't allowed to make any mistakes?  I want to go to Belmont, probably, or MTSU as a backup.  I think, with my GPA and ACT and activities, I can achieve that, and even get a few scholarships to boot.  Heck, I could go to mtsu for free and get a check in the mail each month.  So why do the powers that be push me to the point of ridiculousness?  No, I do not want to drive everyday to mtsu to take a class I'm not interested in when I could take one that's important to me at Siegel.

I also dislike how music classes are so frowned upon...like, you can't be intelligent and still take two music classes - it just wouldn't look good.  To that, I say poo poo.

Ugh.

That's it, I'm going back to third grade.

See you on the playground.

On summer nights the world

Moves within earshot

On the interstate with its swish

And growl, an occasional siren

That sends chills through us.

Sometimes, on clear nights, still nights,

Voices float into our bedroom,

Lunar and fragmented,

As if the sky had let them go

Long before our birth.

In winter we close the windows

And read Chekhov,

Nearly weeping for his world.

What luxury, to be so happy

That we can grieve

over imaginary lives.

Moonbeam  <3

Goals and Resolutions for 2006

Resolutions are not really my thing.  I tend never to keep them if they’re specific.  But I do have some things in my life I’d like to see accomplished in 2006, things that are big and small at the same time, traits about myself and habits I keep that I’d like to see broken.   

In 2006, I’d like to be less afraid of what people will say – be less afraid of rejection – be bolder and less timid when it comes to relationships.  I’d like to have more confidence and not waste my time beating dead horses with my constant and inappropriate overanalyzations…that may not even be a word, but in 2006 I think I’ll make up as many words as possible.

In 2006, I’d like to wean myself off the computer a little…it really is an addiction, and I think with all the time I spent this year staring at this glowing screen I could have written a 800 page novel or painted a mural or run a marathon or something.

In 2006, I want to love more furiously…not quite so lazily, as my tendancy to do is.

In 2006, I’d like to backtrack a little and live a little more simply…which won’t mean less busily because I know that will never happen.  But I would like to learn more dependency on God - which is a dangerous thing to ask for, but I really think I mean it.  I’d like to be happy with small achievements and not overly concerned with small failures. 

In 2006, I want to laugh more and cry more…which are two of the purest things you can do, and you don’t allow yourself to do the latter you’ll never be able to fully appreciate the former.

In 2006, I want to exercise and lose weight and eat right and blah blah blah….cliche cliche, but I need it.

In 2006, I’d like (as an extension of my hope for simplicity) to learn to appreciate the small things…I’d like to have a greater appreciation for my comfortable old friendships…which are kind of like your favorite pair of jeans, you wear them so much you forget they’re even there but when they’re gone you miss them like crazy…and that’s a very strange analogy, but (as an extension of my new words goal) I will be making a lot of those this year, too.

Finally, in 2006 I want to continue to learn my place in the world as God’s daughter and servant and become more comfortable in this place…this year may be wonderful or I may sit here in 12 months wishing it never happened, but either way I know that Jesus is here with me always, in ups and downs and sideways, and that everything that happens this year has a purpose and I want to be able to trust Him in that promise.

So that’s the blueprint for 2006 and enough maudlinity (another new word!) for one day.

But I like being maudlin, so whatever.  You can handle it for one more line:

Shower the people you love with love.

Yeah, that's my goal.

I got my first paycheck.

It was for $400.

It made me very happy.

I love you.  I'm glad I exist.

22)  What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? 
Stage managed a musical…got my driver’s license…had my heart broken…got a job…was an upperclassman…

23) Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Eh, resolutions smesolutions.  I didn’t really make any, and I probably won’t this year either.

24) Did anyone close to you give birth?
My aunt.

25) Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year.  

26) What countries did you visit?
The British Virgin Islands!

27) What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

Contentedness (though I'm working on it...)

28) What date(s) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The Gala…Model UN… NYC squared…Aida…the day I got my license...our week in the BVI…The Variety Show…Chicago…starting work…

29) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Well, it’s not really my achievement, but Aida – the whole process, start to finish – was a huge achievement for everyone involved, which includes me.  And I guess my personal achievment would be my 31 on the ACT.

30) What was your biggest failure?
That stupid boy.

31) Did you suffer any illness or injury?
I had my tooth implant…which technically isn’t an injury so much as the final step in correcting an injury I got in 2003… 

32) What was the best thing you bought?
Gas!  No, I’m totally kidding.  I don’t know.

33) Whose behavior merited celebration?

The pope…he died, and he was a good man.

34) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Well, different people for “appalled” and “depressed”.  I don’t think anybody did both.

35)Where did most of your money go?
Starbucks, clothes, movies…and right now, all my money’s going to NYC, honey.

36) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Gala, Aida, the BVI, Chamber Choir, trying to get a job.

37) What song will always remind you of 2005?
“Aida,aida,adia,adia,aida,aida,aida…….it’s enough! Ahhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhh!” (Dance of the Robe) – that would be the song of the second semester of sophomore year, and then “ Lonesome When You Go” would be the song of the summer, and probably “Boogie Fever” would be the song of this fall semester…or maybe "What'd I Say?!?!"

38) Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Well…neither?  I’m really different…
ii. thinner or fatter? Fat like a chubchub
iii. richer or poorer? In two weeks, between Christmas and work, I’ve made $706 dollars…so yeah that would be richer. : )

39) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Try to branch out and make new friends…though I did do that to some extent.

40) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worry, worry, worry…about grades, about boys, about other random crap.

41) How did you spend Christmas?
At home, with immediate family...the way I like it.

42) Did you fall in love in 2005?
No.

43) How many one-night stands?
Dozens and dozens…  : P

44) What was your favorite TV program of 2005?
I <3 the Discovery Channel

45) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, my enemies have remained fairly consistant…lol.

46) What was the best book you read this year?
The only book I can remember reading and really liking was Fear by Michael Chriton.  And this weird book called My Sister's Keeper.

47) What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Postal Service…Phantom of the Opera… Madeleine Peyroux…There are so many…

48)  What did you want and get? 
into Chamber Choir

49) What did you want and not get?
into Governor’s School

50) What was your favorite film of this year?
Willy Wonka was fun…King Kong was amazing (and if you haven’t seen it yet, I recommend you do so immediately)

51) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I believe we had rehearsal for the Broadway review on my birthday…and I had to wait a day to get my license…and I was sixteen.  No party; mid-May is too busy a time for parties.

52) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More of my time given to God

53) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
A sort of a retro boho ironic preppy…no, I have no idea; I don’t have a certain style.  Lots of jeans and always, always flip flops…

54) What kept you sane?
God, friends, coffee, music, sleep, food.

55) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
J-Depp will always be my favorite…I also took a liking to Adrian Brody…

56) What political issue stirred you the most?
Just recently – The Ugandan War.

57) Who did you miss?
People I didn’t get to see over the summer.  

58) Who was the best new person you met?
I couldn’t narrow it down…I have so many friends this year that I didn’t know last year…

59) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
We are growing up, whether we like it or not, and there are pluses and minuses to the whole process – if you dwell on what you’re leaving behind then you’ll never realize what you’re gaining and all the opportunities that are ahead.

60) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I’ve seen love go by my door

It’s never been this close before

Never been so easy or so slow

Been shooting in the dark too long

When something’s not right, it’s wrong

You’re going to make me lonesome when you go

Dragon clouds so high above

I’ve only known careless love

It’s always hit me from below

This time around it’s more correct

Right on target, so direct

You’re going to make me lonesome when you go

Purple clover, queen anne lace

Crimson hair across your face

You could make me cry if you don’t know

Flowers on the hillside, blooming crazy

Crickets talking back in forth in rhyme

Blue river running slow and lazy

Oh I could stay with you forever and never realize the time…