the night with austin was Great , a lot is good

but ....

               gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

 (thats all i can think to say)

i know i just wrote a blog but i have to say something else.... have you ever had a flaw or problem that you weren't aware you had or why you had it, & not sure what you are doing?.....           

     well. this is particularly relevant in my life with 2 seperate circumstances - one is a really big thing to me & most people are proud of it, but no, i am not even aware that i do it.. everyone tells me i do, & today i heard from someone i cared about & it kinda hurt but doesnt the truth do that to ya. i really dont know what i do to come off that way,

 & the second one i just figure it is me, because i'm not sure what else it could really be, i have tried to improve but nothing really works... idk.

 Its all kinda been bothering me, & i dont know what to do... Im just at a stuck point, and i went through & tried to find whats wrong, but for some reason i just don't know & ive prayed about it & went out my way to do things that might be the problem.....

 so i'm sending you guys a 911 call what should i do?

so last night i watched tuck Everlasting, an amazing movie if i might point out...

 so it brings me to the topic

"If there's one thing I've learned about people, it's that many will do anything, anything not to die. And they'll do anything to keep from living their life. "

"Don't be afraid of death, Winnie. Be afraid of the unlived life. "

"Time is like a wheel. Turning and turning - never stopping. And the woods are the center; the hub of the wheel. It began the first week of summer, a strange and breathless time when accident, or fate, bring lives together. When people are led to do things, they've never done before."

" don't wanna die; is that wrong?"

 Given the choice to live forever or die in 50 years what would you chose? should we want to live forever, where there is no time, no reason to keep on, but there is no choice.... but to chose to die some things will never be experienced,  the amount of time might not be enough...  we fear something we don't know much about....

 i like some responses on this .... a taste of a never ending lifetime, or the fear that this breath could b your last?

if i could give it to you i would , if i knew it wouldn't hurt you.

 but like a bee provides honey that taste like valleys of heaven, it also stings like pits of darkness , 

a taste of what i'm almost sure is hell.

 trust me when i say i know good things can cause pain, trust me when i say you'd be left standing in pouring rain.

 I just don’t feel I am your special anymore,

 I couldn’t be important as before.

 from this love forsaken thought,can you relieve me?

No more immaturity,

this is just the way I am feel about myself to you,

 I don’t like to share it,

because you make me seem stupid to reveal my emotions as I do.

 from this discomfort,Will you relieve me?

See, I still know the facts and the feeling is not where I’m at,

& I know all so more than that.

You care and I do have that belief.

  I just don’t feel it, &                                                 

I don’t feel I can have that relief.

 please relieve me!

so here lately i had been praying for some motivation.

  well,yesterday afternoon I had thrown up & mom said i was not going to practice, and i had aready called amy & austin & told them i would not be coming because I was sick, ... so i was laying in bed when i tought to myself " you have to go"... so i decided i was better, i got up told mom that i had a miracle recovery, and i know she didnt believe that, but she let me go. 7 minutes later i was out the door & on my way.

 i threw up twice at restoration but to be honest i wouldnt have that any other way than to be at practice. during the run through of the line up i thought about how Courtney went through a 45 minute presentation so sick, she did it anyways though, and how austin had the flu at practice but how he did what he had to do.... & i kept saying  to me Suck it up. 

    i made it through the line up, and i almost made it through practice! & I can be motivated ... :)

btw, if anybody gets sick because of me I am So sorry.... i really am. i love you guys. :)(:

I dont want to go to sleep & dream the same dreams that i

    could never have when im awake, I dont want to wake up to

 Just another day , another week!

I'm tired of the same things, the very plains.

 i just want something different,

i just want what i cant have.....

nothing needs to be the same....

 I just want to live a totally new day,

 not wake up in the same yesterday!

      alright, im sorry its twice in one day... i have a VERYYYYYY bad suspicion(sp) about someone i really care about, and i dont want her to get hurt, but if i am right and i believe i am, then she s way in too deep for me to do anything but tell her parents on her, and then she will hate me, and i want her to trust me...... should i mind my own business , or should i follow her and find out if im right, which im pretty sure i am...

 what should i do?

So right now

 I am pretty content, I’m pretty happy I can say I’m his again, but so many things seems to be bothering me right now! I don’t feel very, for lack of  better words….

“passionate about something I’m don’t feel reassured about.”

  Something that’s bugging me at school is my sister’s best friend was being talked about yesterday, and I defended her, and I did agree with a lot of what they said, but it wasn’t their place to say it, because they do the same things and because that I stood up to them, I damaged a friendship between me & a good friend. & it hurt me but I think I did the right thing. I think.

    On the upside,  my starburst collection is pretty awesome, I found a PURPLE wrapper, I was so excited, and there was 4 or 5 guys in my class bought a pack of starburst for me, and I couldn’t help but get excited about that… ;)

 so yea, that’s what’s up with me!!

       i will not heal 

by the power of tylenol,

 not by any remedy of a book,

 not with philosophy,

or by the chances i took.

              i will never forget,

but excuse me im trying not to remember.

i will not let myself cry in simple fear of not being able to stop,

i refuse to say what i really just want because once i say it ,

 its no longer just in my thoughts.

  you're still in my heart, dont worry love, i want you to be mine, but i wont take your hand til im for sure its the best thing, just wait on me. ..

im going through this,too. the pain & the hurting. the fight to stay asleep, the day is a blur, my life's just not the same. one way or the other i will make sure you make it through.

The sun is gonna shine whether you want it to or not!

its gonna rain whether you stay inside or not!

 people will die, even if you didnt expect it.

 Tears will sometimes fall, and you cant hold them back, friendships will end & theres nothing you can do!

ready or not some things will come and theres not much you can do...

 so be prepared in & out of season!

p.s if this is Austin I still love you!

 Last night...

no hold on it was 4:48 this morning...

 i woke up,just kinda laid there thinking, finally i'm falling back to sleep, when it seems a slow motion lightning comes through the room,in total silence.... im thinking "somethings about to happen."

     this thunder comes the whole house seems to tilt then shake , my head moved off my pillow & hit the wall, i dont have a knot or anything,though it didnt help my headache!!

    Glass shattered... i was wondering if Court was up, so i lay there when i hear her, she said "oh! wow..." we got up, turned on the light to see what shattered didnt see anything, then we ran dowstairs to see if anyone else heard it, and we stayed down there for 30 minutes, It turns out the Glass that shattered was a trophy that fell, and broke on of courts glass containers..... th whole thing was pretty scary.

I was just wondering if anyone else experienced that.....

so Concert was not bad at all, I got a terrible headache!, & i ve still had it on & off so far today, but i ll be alright!, its not that bad any more. thanks you guys for caring.

 well. ill b around, just kinda staying laid back til practice tonight, 

got the ipod on,  a Bible verse in my pocket, a butterfly tattoo on my right shoulder, &crazy memories going through my head & i believe thats enough to make me on the high!

:)

( this blog's theme was inspired by Austin & his war obsession,

it also expresses my outlook on a certain topic & my opinion if not more than that to others)

  This is the ultimate Victory, if it is battled & fought just right. That victory brings us soul alliances til our death, if not longer.

  But victory is tricky. for just one side overpowering the other is just as glorious, at for awhile that is until th captives break off their chains, and rise from their oppression against their own captivity. But meanwhile, Victory earns whatever it so desires with scarce if at all any amount of payment in returns!

   The Battle lines are drawn by agreement in terms. The object is to steal the enemies resources: their weapons, alimony, and their plans. to which they are force to surrender.

( now allow me to explain. this is a battle between 2 selves, and not everyone will fight. but many fight it more than once. you'll understand soon enough.The weapons is the heart, the alimony is the soul, and plans is the mind) when you accomdate one of thse you have indeed won your first battle, but when you have them all. you have won & victory is yours. by that you have their profits, and have yourself slaves to you!

 This battle i face my goal is soul alliances!I do not want slavery, i would only feel sorry for my slaves, and try to free them! but nor do i want to be a slave.

 so far i have snuck in your camp, and stole your weapons, not all of them im sure, but enough to make you weaker than you have ever been. But you have stolen from me also. You have stolen a great deal of my weapons, my alimony,you've even stole my army though i still have most of my  plans. but what good is a general without an army.

 " you have Stolen my heart & soul and i am no longer complete with out you.but then i still have my mind!"

[ In the End because my country is ignorant; My men hav fed their whole liveson intolerance, and my woman have nursed thir babies on equality. Justice WILL be served. ad whn they shake off their iron chains, you will fall hard. My aviation will fly over you and destroy the future plans you had for your slaves. And we will take a stading ovation to the heart, to the soul, and to the mind.]

 my soul is trapped in your dungeon, It longs to be free once again it searches for a door not locked. and my heart, my poor,tortured heart is held for ransom among your men.It hurts me when it rfuses to cooperate,and the part you dont have of my mind is not mine anymore.they've turned against me And they are your spies.

      you have my country in chains, and threaten my people with wips, i am as helpless as a wanderer of the desert. you have forced my people into slavery.
but despite all this my soul screams liberty, my heart beats
loyalty, and my mind will die free from you!

For war's sake i cry out for alliance.

"A man madly in love with a woman in danger will run to her defense..."

 i believe i've never seen a man madly in love, but then how would i know if i havent or have then?

 well i do know for sure

that madly in love would be pure insanity, but then to never love is depriving yourself of all good!

i found when you look for an easier way out to problems the problems will come back to you.

 when I start to accept my responsibilties , and prepare to what i have to, i really find a lot gets easier.

 things get easier when i am determined to get it done anyways, and im not looking for it to.

hhmmm.... what do you think about altruistic people?

2 songs called "what's this life for" & "higher" by Creed inspired me...  
"i see your soul its kind of gray, you see my heart
          you look away."-whats this life for?
   " at sunrise i fight to stay asleep,
cuz i dont wanna leave the comfort of this place."-higher

   Will i be ashamed when you see my heart, or will you know it's there from the start...
 Is it better to hide my deepest sins or confess them when they first begin.
If I tell of my struggles you'll know i'm not strong,
 but will everything you've ever known of me be shaken
if it all hits you one day?
 I don't wanna leave my comfort place, I rather just get away from just another day!
 but is that fear in me? is fear okay to be scared of?
take me higher, but will you even touch my hand after you see me fall?
 is it stronger to hide it all, or is it stronger to
show all the falls & scars....

will you be ashamed when i see your heart, or will i know
 it's there from the start..
 is it better to hide your deepest sins or confess them when they first begin.
 If you tell of your struggles i'll know your not strong,
 but will everything i've ever known of you be shaken
if it all hits me one day?
 i know you don't wanna leave your comfort place, you rather just get away from just another day!
 but is that fear in you? is fear okay to be scared of?
 ill take you higher, but will i even touch your hand after i see you fall?
 is it stronger to hide it all, or is it stronger to
show all the falls & scars....

" if my heart has been enticed by a [man]or if i have lurked at my neighbors door, then may my [husband] grind another [woman]'s grain and may other women sleep with him."

Job 31:9-10

  i read this the other day & thought wow! i never thought of it like that, so that is my prayer to God , not just the lust factor of my life but including it too, may that my thoughts , the way i treat people, the thoughts i think in a wrong sense may it be done to me also. 

6 months  today! <3

i dont want your sympathy.... But Gosh do i feel worthless right about now.... passed out til about 10  its just easier to sleep away sickness than anything else! plus my energy level is like a 10 , not a good combination!!!

 so im at home, sitting here at home,

playing on the computer sitting here at home.

oh yeah , i meant to tell you.

 Austin & I are on 6 months Monday!!

 A lot of people believed we wouldn't make it ,

and at the beginning our relationship,

 thats what kept me fighting to keep us together,

now when we struggle i fight because im scared i won't make it,

i fight because he would have my heart and though i know if it all blow up in my face i would still be breathing,

 i would just be breathing differently! hes become part of me....

more than any guy is or ever was

 im proud of the neclace he put around my neck that cold december night,

 Im proud of the football hoody he dared me to wear to school,

i'm also proud of the times we've struggled,

I'm proud of the times no words could even be said,

 but those words spoke louder than anything.

I'm proud of second thoughts,

I'm proud of  close moments,

where i could almost tell you what he was thinking.

im proud of nights i couldnt get him off my mind all night long,

im proud of tears i ve cried because of him.

Im proud of awkward conversations, where weve had to say "this isn't going to happen again"!

 im proud of pictures of us built from memories,

im proud of the person he has become because of me,

and the person he has made me.

 im proud of our silly conversations that don't go anywhere,

 im proud when he's moved my hair out of my eyes,

Im proud of the moments i felt locked into his soul,

 im proud of when he said any other girl wouldn't be me,

im proud of when i hug him like im the only one who gets to,

& im proud that he is the last thing i think about at night.

im proud of us making it this long , and im proud for whatever comes whether this be nearing end or just the beginning.

so there are 3 main characters in this story ELizabeth, Erin & her! 
  first there was Elizabeth the girl i've strived to be, ive never really got there at any certain point but last year up til june i was closer than ever to her!The Elizabeth loved God, always was doing right, laughing, making pplhappy, helping other.
she was herself, and i came very close to attaining that!
   Then there was her.. the her is the girl of this world, though an okay kid comparing others, very disgraceful to any Elizabeth out there. she lied a little..she was kinda rude, and she
thought that the wordly things would make her happy....
but one day her decided to change..
 that brings us to Erin... Erin is the girl striving to be the Elizabeth while also remembering HER and she learned a lot from her, a lot of good came from what Erin learned though, too. it wasn't allnegative effects, she wouldnt take it back but she does miss her Elizabeth innocence....
   but today , today.. im Erin the girl who left her.. and knows she will never quite be elizabeth. She may attain above or below, but never that same degree she once almost could.
 Im Erin! I love God, & i get confused often between 2 lives... but ive come to realize im not either
 of those people! I am who i am .. right now! & between a peanut butter sandwich, painting in my
basement, and an ipod blasting music in my ears ive come to accomplish my vision of who i really am..

_ _ _
 If you know me as Elizabeth you put my heart to shame of who i am now, but if you know me as Erin you remind me of the girl i am now &
will be for awhile now!

funny. but i never saw me like that,

 until one day i did, and there's no going back!

you know.I have my victory, And its not all

 i am going to ask of me!

I want the faraway dream, but I want it light!

i live everything in the day, but ill sleep it at night!

Ya know awhile back i got a message from tyler but i never read it because i said i wasn't getting back on here, this is the only way i can tlk to Kaelynn,a few  ppl said i should get back on here and i wanted to know how you guys are doing, so I believe This Is gonna make me a liar!

 Im back....

 Oh by the way , Happy Valentines day, i agree its a pretty dumb holiday, but it was the best dumb Valentine's i had in awhile!

:)

 _ _

Erin