here i am

 Here s where I am.
  The sun is shining down where I am. Its beautiful. I have opportunities everywhere.
school has been great just finished up spring play- lead female role. I’m not the smartest of us but been doing really good in my classes, and its taken effort. Worth it. Been involved in FCA. Next year I am going to be either vp or president. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for president, but if the girl who is going to be gives up on this battle she’s been struggling with it will be me. Made youth leadership. Been miming a little. Not on the team anymore, though. Been running. Ah.. piano, harmonica. Lots going on.

 Life is good. And God is good. All the time. He has put me back on my feet. It took me realizing that I can’t be depressive. I have to decide I want joy, and look for light not wander in darkness. Now there is light and it is good.
 Been single for over a month. When I look at him I get down but then I smile. We had a good thing. When I see couples I smile because they are so happy, then I cry. I miss that, but then I’m happy again because I’ll be like that again. Whether its him or not who’s to say. It ll come together in time. Always does. if its 4 month or 3 years it ll happen. For once I’m not worried about it. Why should I be, ya know? I am enjoying what I have now.
 and life is… wonderful. People are wonderful. Actually no, people are pathetic and low. But when you talk to the worse of worst you understand they are a lot like yourself. They have desires, and good intentions, but they fail, and fall. But yeah.. life is still wonderful.
 I’m sure by now no one is even reading this.  But its okay. Its more me than you anyways, but by chance someone is thank you.

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Quick Remark:

my part time lover my full time friend.

The thing with sin, we have so much temptation anyways that we shouldn't put sin in front of ourselves and try to walk past it. sure we can try and test ourselves, but by doing that we rely on ourselves not God. and then we miserably fail. and we wonder why we thought we were stronger than that. don't be where you shouldn't be, that's where it starts.
 i tried to hide like eve in the garden,

                 and keep all this stuff from you.

i tried and tried again,

              to reason it all through.
but when i realized i was hurting you, and hurting me too,
                                 then i knew you had to know the truth.
 now you know , know what i hid,

                                     and you know, know what i did.
will you be alright, will you be okay?

 & do you know what to do, do know which way?

i lay this down at your feet,

                         and i stumble with apologies,
wishing you wouldn't forgive me,
                       maybe you will show me just how much im sorry.
I hate getting what i dont deserve,
                                and grace, oh mercy i can not repay.
i have learned my lesson,
                               and i promise to love you best in every way.
            

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Quick Remark:

you won't get it

You will never get it.

 No you can’t understand.

Not by any conversation, or touch of a hand.

I hurt, but I’m okay.

 No words can describe what I have to say.

 It can not wait, I can not take this…

 The sad thing is you’ll never get it.

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Quick Remark:

I can't really love her.

Is it possible that I will ever be able to love her completely?

 I love her, but so many times I feel this inner twined hatred within me when she is around. I just feel like I can’t fully love her because of who she is. And that is my problem. I can’t stand that I can’t really love her.

 Yesterday was act 1 since she’s been home. All out screaming, and fighting! Tears fill my eyes. I hate it. I can’t take it. My mother gets so upset, and she shouldn’t be crying and stressed like this. It hurts me to see that. She hurts people, she ruins friendships, she is a liar, but  She is my sister.
 But honestly, this is my problem…. I can’t love her like I should. I have tried so many times.  What’s wrong with me?

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Quick Remark:

yeah

I finally made my decision.

 :)

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