and admit that I'm not ok."

"It's time to take off the shades and let you see I've cried."

"It's time to end the charade and just let it all out."

I sit down, and I cry, and I'm miserable. But I lie and tell everyone it's nothing, that I'm alright.But I'm not. I'm going crazy, and I'm falling apart. There are days when I just want to scream cause it hurts so much, and it's so unfair. I feel in love with a guy over a thousand miles away.

It's like yesterday I curled up in my room and just cried my eyes out. I couldn't even think straight. Am I an idiot for putting myself through this? I don't know. Sometimes I wonder.

I know I'm tedious and my ramblings about my love life are annoying, so I'll just apologize now.

What do I do
when the time is done
when we part ways
and it all ends?

What do I do
when you are gone
when things all stop
and nothing is the same?

What do I do
when everything
seems to crash down around me
and I can't even think?

What do I do
now that I'm so
since you aren't here to find me
and I'm all numb inside?

What do I do
with you so far away
now that I'm missing you
and I'm so confused?

Tell me what to do
because I just don't know.
I used to have it figured out,
but not anymore.

Help me, love, please.
Tell me what do I do.

Teach me to live.
Teach me to love.
Remind me that it's real.

Let me fall in love with the wrong ones
So I know when I've found the right one.
Point me in the right direction, then let me go.

Let me get my heart broken </3
Then teach me how to mend it. <3
I wanna live and learn.

Push me off the cliff
So that I learn how to fly.
Let me feel the wind for myself.

I wanna make mistakes.
Yeah I want to screw up.
I wanna do it wrong so I learn to do it right.

I wanna live.
I wanna love.
I wanna know it's real.

But I wanna live and learn.

I wanna be real not phony.
I don't wanna be somethin I'm not.
I wanna believe in myself
And maybe somethin else too.
I wanna trust in love.
I don't wanna forget who I am.

It's the way you feel when the phone is ringing in the dead of night and you suddenly realize that it's him... when your grouchy feelings melt away because you hear his voice.

It's the way you hold onto a bottle or a pressed flower just because it reminds you of all that is good.

It's the number of times you read a letter or a message or an email just to make sure it's all not just a dream.

It's that feeling of absolute electricity every time you kiss, hug, or even touch.

It's choosing a two hour wait to see him for five minutes because even the shortest moments together mean so much.

It's spinning around so fast you fall, just because you can smell the scent that belongs only to him.

It's scarey, but it's beautiful... and it's what makes you lie awake at three in the morning just thinking.

It's everything you can't explain... it never makes sense, and it leaves you confused and lost.

It's love.

Current mood: stupid, annoyed, excited, a little sad

Countdown to Florida has now reached: three days!!!

Personal problem of the day: I can be so stupid.

Current wish: All I want is to be able to sit down with him and talk for a change. I want to be able to see his face and actually tell him that I love him face to face.

Current read: Memoirs of a Geisha

Quote to describe how I feel: "Self realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said 'I drank what?'" Chris Knight, Real Genius

Current thought: I do really stupid stuff sometimes and if you want proof ask the other half of my brain. For the most part I think it is because I miss him so much and occassionally I lose my mind. It's just that sometimes things feels wierd, like out of place.

Current rant: It's unfair that life has taken us so far apart and that I don't get to talk to him often or see him, and I don't know when we'll get to be together.

"Self realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said 'I drank what?'" Chris Knight, Real Genius

Sometimes you realize that somewhere along the line you screwed up and it was a bone head mistake. And then you sit and think about how stupid you can be. I've done that a lot.

I was walking down the card aisle in Walmart yesterday looking for a Father's Day card for my dad when I passed the section of cards for grandfathers. I was suddenly reminded that both my grandfathers were gone. Pa passed away in May of 04 and my Papa passed away January of 05. Not that I ever forget just that at times it just hits me. Like at Prom and at graduation. I miss 'em both so much it isn't funny and I can't believe their really gone sometimes. But then on my way home I heard this song by Diamond Rio and realized just how true it is.

God Only Cries
On an icy road one night
A young man loses his life
They marked the shoulder with a cross
An' his family gathers round
On a piece of Hallowed ground
Their hearts are heavy with their loss
As the tears fall from their eyes
There's one who'll always sympathise.

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
An' all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than, mmm, baby, than, oh
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home.

It still makes me sad
When I think of my Grand-dad
I miss him each and every day
But I know the time will come
When my own gradnson
Wonders why I went away
Maybe we're not meant to understand
Till we meet up in the Promised Land.

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
And all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than, oh, baby, than oh
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home
Yeah, we're so far from home, Mmmm, Mmmm

No one ever said it was going to be easy, but no one said it would be this hard either.

It's the distance really. At the moment I have no clue how far apart we are because I don't know where in Ireland he is. But I know it's greater than the almost 1500 miles when he is in Phoenix, AZ.

Am I crazy?

I've decided that I shall tackle him when he comes back. Though I once again have no clue when that will be.

I hate this. I really do. But I made a choice that I've decided is the right one. I'm going to wait here. And if it drives all my friends nuts, I apoligize now.

Love is a weird thing. And it's the reason I made that choice. I love him. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that before Prom and before he left.

Enough ramblings. Good night.

Lucky

"I want to do something splendid... something heroic or wonderful that won't be forgotten after I'm dead... I think I shall write books." Louisa May Alcott.

Just some random thoughts that have crossed my mind recently.

Summer plans update: Seventeen days till I leave for Florida with the other half of my brain. I'm super excited about that event. Leaving the 25th of June, be back the 1st of July.

Things I now believe in: Love, fairy tales, dreams, people, happily ever afters, wishes.

Recent realization: Life is crazy, and nothing is set in stone. You never know just what's going to happen when you wake up in the morning. Every day is a chance for something insane to happen.

Lesson learned recently: Love knocks you off your feet on a regular basis. That's why they call it falling in love and not standing in love.

Something I once said about love that I now have:  I want it to be inconvenient; I want to sacrifice my life for it. I want the kind of love that wakes me up at 3am.I want love that hurts, love that I have to work for. I want love that tests me. I want the kind of love that is hard to find, and hard to keep and never easy. I want the kind of love where you get hurt. I want love that makes me cry. I want to hold on even if it takes me through my worst nightmare. But most of all I want love thats worth it. I want love.

Crazy idea/hope/thought: I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night at eleven o'clock to my phone ringing. And the voice on the other end is going to tell me to look out my window, and when I ask why he'll say just do it. I keep thinking that I'm going to look out my window and he'll drive by in the Mazda, like he used to. But at the moment I know it's impossible.

Helpful cures for loneliness and sadness due to missing someone you love: chocolate chip cookies, sappy love songs, chick flicks, good friends to keep you company, venting at random, anything that involves chocolate (in moderation), the Delilah show on 92.9 (I know really bad.)

That is where my boyfriend is going for a month. Last time I talked to him he was stopped in Washington state visiting family before heading to Quebec and then to Ireland for what he called a "learning experience". Crazy how far apart life can take two people.

I must be crazy. I mean really. Who does things like this to themselves? I honestly think that love is playing really sick jokes on me lately. Now don't take any of this the wrong way please because it doesn't mean I'm giving up on Kenny and our relationship. It just means that I'm going through a lot of crap and things are getting crazy. I rarely get to talk to him because the crazy boy works all the freakin time. Usually that makes each time I do get to talk to him that much better but sometimes it makes things awful. I mean I can't sleep at night sometimes and I just sit and read the notes that were passed between us before he left. And the night before last I could have sworn he was standing right outside in my driveway because, and this is going to sound bizarre, I could smell Kilo, not just Kilo but the smell of Kilo on him.. I told you it was bizarre. I guess it's just a product of the fact I miss him so much and it makes me crazy. Or maybe I'm just weird. Because I actually followed the smell from my back porch around my house to my driveway. But hey it happens I guess.

Sometimes I just want to scream, and it sucks to be this far apart. And he graduates thursday and I can't be there to cheer. I don't know when I'll get to see him again. I think the hardest thing is the fact that I'm a memory person and being apart kind of reduces the ability to create memories. I like memories because it's a way to hold on to things so they don't disappear.

More to come later.
Lucky

It is a very dismal rainy night, and the world seems to be very bleak and almost depressing. I don't know why, but rainy days seem to make me sad. They used to be days that I'd revel in because it meant I could curl up with a book, my journal, or some of my writing books. There was not so much to do so I could relax and and be at peace. Sounds corny and silly, I know and do not care. But lately the rain seems to leave me feeling dejected. I wish I knew why. I don't write much because everything seems to come out all wrong. I still read, but the thunder and sound of the rain always seems to become a distraction. And I don't like to write in my journal because there are too many sad entries. I really shouldn't be so depressing and dismal sounding. I just don't feel all happy and bouyant sometimes.

The rain reminds me of the quiet tears I cry sometimes when I think about the way things are right now. While all the couples go out on Friday and Saturday Nights, I sit at home and do nothing. I don't have very many single friends and they go out, so I don't have much to do. My boyfriend lives in another state, almost 1500 miles away. Thats a pretty big distance if you ask me, but I'm determined to make it work. The difficulty is knowing that, for who knows how long, we have to be apart. While other couples get to go out and make memories and be together, we can't. Two months have gone by, and I have sat waiting. It's so hard to be patient when I have see the couples together or listen to my friends talk about their recent dates. And sometimes I just feel like screaming out "Shut up and think about who you are talking to." I want to be the good friend who listens and smiles and is happy for her friends, but sometimes I don't want to hear it. Or when I hear people complaining about the little things about their boyfriend/girlfriend or about how they only get to see them once or twice a week. I mean come on. At least it hasn't been two freakin' months and at least they have some idea when they will get to see them.

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me
I could honestly say
That things can only get better
And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long
Before you and me run
To the place in our hearts
Where we hide
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder
Under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second
Without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man
Without me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever
I simply love you
More than I love life itself
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder
Under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder
Under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues





Sometimes the advice of someone who loves you kicks in while you are listening to music. When I was sitting in my room hugging the bear he gave me for graduation and trying not to cry this song started playing. And I remembered what he told me before he left. He said live in the moment and it's not forever. And it's hard to follow, but it's good advice. I really owe it to him to follow it and try to be happy.

Those in bold are attached to my nice guy.

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

To every guy that she cried in front of.

To every guy that holds hands with her.

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

To every guy who would give their jacket up.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for ten minutes.

To every guy that would give his seat up.


To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get LAID!!!!

To every guy that actually listened.


****TO EVERY GUY THAT PRAYS THAT SHE IS HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT WITH HER***


This one is for you...

Not ALL girls APPRECIATE nice guys. There's not many left out there....

If you are a nice guy repost this: "Nice guys finish last."

If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to acomplish even a few of these repost this: "To the nice guys" Bold the ones that belong to your nice guy if you have one.

I'm so totally addicted to Sudoku now. I know a bunch of people who really like it and I finally decided to try it. It's actually really fun.

I want this to work, and I'm determined to not let this hurt me. I'm not going to let distance break me down and cause me to lose one the best things in my life. That would be... awful. I love him, and I'm happy for once. So why do I feel like me world is crashing down around me sometimes?

I hate this. I'm crying, and I don't want to. In fact I probably shouldn't be crying at all. Those of you who read this, and I know its a small number, know that I've tried to pump up my strength and stop crying really. I don't cry in public anymore. If I've got to cry, I'd rather fall apart in private, in my room where no one can see me break down. I hate when I feel like this. I'm supposed to be happy because I finally got what I wanted. I finally found the guy I was looking for, but I'm not happy. I am happy... this is making no sense what so ever because I am just typing on my train of thought... I am happy don't get me wrong. Because for the brief moment that I can hear his voice I'm smiling, for the brief time I get to talk to him I'm soaring higher than anyone. There are days when I feel so bad, when I feel so alone and I miss him so much that I close my eyes and ... I know this is going to sound crazy but... I can see him, I can almost feel his arms around me, his hand in mine, I can almost hear his voice. But then something happens. I'm pulled away and I remember he's not here and that I don't know when I'll see him again.

What I wouldn't give to have a view into his mind? I would give anything to know whats going on with him. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? I know he doesn't break down. At least I'm almost positive that he wouldn't anyway. Don't get me wrong I don't him to be miserable; I'm not miserable just a little bit down right now. I don't mean that I want him to feel like that.I want him to be happy, whatever that means. If he's happier there instead of here then so be it, but it doesn't mean its not gonna hurt like hell.

He's the expert at reading people. He reads me like an open book just by looking into my eyes. That's not me. I can't read him except sometimes I can tell a little bit. But what do I do? What can I do? I have all the faith in him, and I love him. He makes me happier than I've been in a long time. It's just that there are good days and then there are days like today when I don't know what to do. Days when I fall apart and cry my eyes out. But I don't want him to see. I don't want him to worry about me.

I was sitting in my room looking at my Prom pictures (Because it's April and it's that time again) and I almost felt sad. Well it was little more than almost. Part of me is sad because I miss the excitement and I know that Prom was the only time I got to dress up and be the princess. (I know it sounds stupid).

I wonder how many people remember me. I've crossed paths with so many over the years, and I wonder if they will remember me. I've seen some of them on campus and they breeze right by me as if they don't know me. Or I meet them again and it's as if we've never met. I wonder how many of those I've met and crossed paths with actually remember me.

I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he knows how much I think about him and how much I miss him. I mean really knows. I try to tell him, but sometimes I feel like it's not enough. He's so far away, and I can't hug him or kiss him. I sometimes wonder if he really knows just how much I love him and care.

Am I being silly and foolish? I've got this great guy, who may live in another state right now, but is going to come back some time soon. I should be happy, really and truly happy, and most of the time I am, but there are times when I'm miserable. I miss him so much it's not funny. I sit down and cry, just to get it all out before he calls or I've got to be somewhere. I get all down and sad sometimes when I see all the couples on campus walking together, and I realize that he's in another state, and I can't be with him or even kiss him. I finally find a guy who makes me happy, who makes me laugh, who I love, and who loves me, but the catch is that for now he has to live in AZ and there is nothing that I can do about it. I try to understand, and most of the time I'm alright, but then there are times when it drives me crazy that I can't see him or touch him (I know sounds stupid) because I want so much to be able to. I tell him over and over that I love him, but a text message, email, or phone call is all we have and it seems so unfair. Am I being stupid and silly?

So this is the end of a conversation between Jenna and I at breakfast one morning....
Jenna: I'm gonna punch you in the face
Me: Well I hope you fall in a hole!!!!

"Yea i've tabulated the score and it does look like...you won the bet!!!" Me to Jenna at breakfast on 3-24-06

Me: I gotta find my other water
Jenna: did you just say your other walrus???
Me: no my other WA-TER!!!

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive

I really love this song. It is an amazing one that describes how I feel right now. 

I know I know, two posts in one day. Sometimes I feel more talkative than others.

I was thinking last night. Just sitting there on my bed, hugging a bear that Kenny gave me, and thinking, which usually comes to interesting results. It's been an interesting experience, my life, and I've had my fair share of ups and downs, but in the end my family and friends are amazing and they pulled me through all of it. And from Senior year on things have been the wildest I guess. I'm pretty amazed and I just felt like writing something that wasn't entirely frivolous.

I wanted to take AP US History my junior year and didn't get the chance to. So I decided to take it my senior year. Looking back that has to be one of the best things that I did because thats where I met Kenny and subsequently went through the bizarre and wild roller coaster ride that has finally skidded to a halt where I stand now, happy and in love. I also met the other half of my brain, Jenna, in 6th period. We hit it off and she's been one of my best friends. I'm looking forward to lots more girl's days and breakfasts at Starbucks.

I've learned a lot over the past year and a half. And made my fair share of mistakes and over-thought enough for a lifetime. I found out that if I stopped freaking out long enough to look around, there's a lot of fun to be had. Playing cards at lunch is sometimes the best thing to relax or at least have a good laugh or two. I found out that what I was looking for was right under my nose, and now he lives in Arizona. I worried way too much about the little things and almost missed out on some of the best moments in my life. I learned that graduation was just the end of high school, not the end of the world, and that it was the beginning of a whole new world.

Me: Jenna what time is it?
Jenna: It's eleventy two o'clock.

"Point!" My wonderful boyfriend Kenny.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
~ Walter Winchell ~

"True friends don't stand behind you when you need them, they stand beside you."

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much" Oscar Wilde

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. 
~Theodore Roosevelt

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door," he used to say.  "You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." 
~J.R.R. Tolkien, "Three Is Company," The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 1954

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. 
 ~Albert Einstein

"And I... I took the road less traveled by... and that has made all the difference."
~Robert Frost

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
~ Mark Twain (1835-1910) ~

Love is a thing, well, its kind of like quicksand:  
The more you are in it, the deeper you sink
And when it hits you, you've just got to fall

If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.
-- Lynda Barry

"Southern girls are God's gift to the entire male population. There is absolutely no woman finer than one raised below the Mason-Dixon line. Once you go Southern, may the good Lord help you, you never go back."
- Kenny Chesney