I want this to work, and I'm determined to not let this hurt me. I'm not going to let distance break me down and cause me to lose one the best things in my life. That would be... awful. I love him, and I'm happy for once. So why do I feel like me world is crashing down around me sometimes?

I hate this. I'm crying, and I don't want to. In fact I probably shouldn't be crying at all. Those of you who read this, and I know its a small number, know that I've tried to pump up my strength and stop crying really. I don't cry in public anymore. If I've got to cry, I'd rather fall apart in private, in my room where no one can see me break down. I hate when I feel like this. I'm supposed to be happy because I finally got what I wanted. I finally found the guy I was looking for, but I'm not happy. I am happy... this is making no sense what so ever because I am just typing on my train of thought... I am happy don't get me wrong. Because for the brief moment that I can hear his voice I'm smiling, for the brief time I get to talk to him I'm soaring higher than anyone. There are days when I feel so bad, when I feel so alone and I miss him so much that I close my eyes and ... I know this is going to sound crazy but... I can see him, I can almost feel his arms around me, his hand in mine, I can almost hear his voice. But then something happens. I'm pulled away and I remember he's not here and that I don't know when I'll see him again.

What I wouldn't give to have a view into his mind? I would give anything to know whats going on with him. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? I know he doesn't break down. At least I'm almost positive that he wouldn't anyway. Don't get me wrong I don't him to be miserable; I'm not miserable just a little bit down right now. I don't mean that I want him to feel like that.I want him to be happy, whatever that means. If he's happier there instead of here then so be it, but it doesn't mean its not gonna hurt like hell.

He's the expert at reading people. He reads me like an open book just by looking into my eyes. That's not me. I can't read him except sometimes I can tell a little bit. But what do I do? What can I do? I have all the faith in him, and I love him. He makes me happier than I've been in a long time. It's just that there are good days and then there are days like today when I don't know what to do. Days when I fall apart and cry my eyes out. But I don't want him to see. I don't want him to worry about me.