Click here to create your own painting.Why the heck are there butterflies on mine? That is kinda gay.      

 Happy Thanks Giving, please enjoy. 

 

 

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me 

I feel that at moments I must remind myself that I am alive. Thing have been going pretty good for me for the past few months, not perfect but better than before. I seem, I hate the phase "on fire for God," or "spirtually high" But I feel like I am in a pretty good place. Things are going pretty good all around. There are times where I seem like I am having a good day but I am probably having a great one. I don't let my emotions show really at all. I am cool with that. Ok so do you think that you would rather have on arm or leg that is weak and your the rest of your body be strong or would you rather your whole body be at the same place? But anyways I felt for the longest time that I was on auto piolet but then I realized I am just doing really good, Austin you are not used to this feeling, and you like it. I am not saying I don't need to work on things becasue I do, I would love to improve in my relationships, with God, my family and Elizabeth. Not other people, I hate people (true story) Not that I hate you ( I might ) but...oh well if you really want to know you can message me. But yeah I am kinda cool with this right here this feeling this life. I am at a point where I am really kinda happy with myself. Good job Austin you finally did something right. Thanks for the help all of you who did. Have a great Thanks Giving. I am sure that we all have something to be mad at but I bet all of those things don't come close to how manythings you have to be thankful for. That was kinda like a before we pray kinda thing at thanks giving dinner. Oh well I am done with my rambling now.

Peace.

 

Oh look for the song of the week sometime tomorrow morning.  

Are you happy?

Yes yes, Creed, one of the greatest bands ever. And as I was corrected before, One Last Breathe by Creed.

" Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere"

one of my close friends asked me today "why do you just not care, why do you have this whole hate the world thing going on?" i thought to myself and answered "what is not to hate that is of the world?" "the rain," she quickly answered "don't you love the rain" i answered after wondering where my love for the rain had gone "no i do not love the rain. one time a long time ago when i was so nieve i did.  i loved every part of it. the playing and just everything about it." she was quiet. neither one of us had a thing to say, until i found something, "now the rain is just there and only that." it hits the roof  falls to the ground and waters the flowers that i used to care about, the oak tree that repesented strength to me, but now, now all my strength is gone. i have nothing else i am laying in the rain drowning. no love, no strength, nothing left to care for, but then there is you, what happened to that?

 

You can tell my eyes are tired. 

I am tired of seeing the same old thing happen.

But this is new, I will keep my eyes open long enough for this.

I won't blink.

I can't afford to, there is too much at stake.

Was it worth putting it all this at stake?

Would we have made it here?

My eyes want to close I won't let them though.

I promise.

I am tired of this.

I am tired of running so hard to reach nothing.

I am tired of half way seeing things.

I am tired of the old. 

 My eyes are tired now.

I am tired of this feeling in my gut.

I am tired of knowing the truth.

Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power.

Where do I comprimise?

My body is tired now.

You exhaust me.

 

 

Long Trip Alone by Dierks Bentley.

" So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold"

I have finally lost all hope and faith in humanity I used to have. Everything that I used to trust in the world is gone. I can finally see that we are all selfish punks who only think of ourselves. Now do not take personal offense because I am sure that you are perfect. I am sure everyone who is a christian is. Oh did I mention that I lost hope in most of christians too. It is not that I am just pissed at the world, part of it. It is the fact that what I once thought was good, everything that I once thought was good was destroyed. I see athiests doing more good than christians. I see christians cursing out the drunk driver in front of them because he is swerving, instead of praying for them. "Preachers" lieing and stealing, "Christian" teachers blowing away what the christian faith stands on. The other night I found somethings that just makes me wonder if the world could ever possibly be good or even half way. Have we always been evil? Have we always had alternative motives. Was there a time when we were 3 years old running around with a towl on as a cape that we actually wanted what would help the world and didn't give a crap about ourselves? Was there a time when Adam and Eve loved and did excatly what God said. Was there a time when Cain loved Able? Has it always been this hell that we call humanity today?  Does anyone  think so? I want a conversation not just a remark.

(the battery)So I have found that in life there is one person (in most people's lives) that holds the most power. Ever heard the saying "One person can hold the power of 50"? Maybe not because I think I made it up. Oh well, I think it is true. Maybe it is a mom dad or brother. Maybe it is someone you look up to. IF they were to say "I love you" or "I believe in you, you can do it" that could mean more than the whole world saying it. Maybe it is a wife or a husband. A girlfriend or a boyfriend. I know for guys when they tell someone a problem they are having or going through or the way they delt with something, they are are looking for that person to say "well it is ok I know that if anyone can fix it, it is you." We don't want someone to help us, we tend to want to be the leader and be a strong one. Even if we know we need help we don't ask for it. We just screw up and learn from what we did. It makes us stronger. (Maybe I am just talking for myself) but, I find that in life you are only as strong as you make yourself. 

I don't like talking abou the way I feel. It makes me feel, well...I don't like to talk about it. Someone once asked me if I thought that guys were more emotional than girls. At first I did the typical guy thing. I said "No." Then I began to think about the conversation I was in. And if my answer was really correct. "No." Guys happen to be very emotional about diffferent things. Playing football if we lose there are some tears sometimes. Silly? Not to us. We played our hardest and we did not deserve to lose. It makes us sad. If our sports team is down in the last few seconds and all we need is a few points you better believe we are on our feet yelling during those few seconds. We are emotional about things that matter to us. If a relationship is important to us then we will tell you we love you and we will mean it. If you end that relationship then it cuts so deep the scar effects everything in us. The way we breath the way we think and see. All the way up to the top. We also show emotion, in different ways though. We don't sit there and cry, but we have the strongest urge to flip over the table we are sitting at. We are on the edge if one person says one thing we don't like they are in a lot of danger of us hitting them. If we care about something then we usually make it number one. Of course we care about somethings more than others, most of the time it goes in this order. relationships, sports, family, and well we kinda stop the list there. That does not mean that we don't care about anything else it just means that we care most about those therefore, if we show emotion about anything you can bet that it will be about those. But still I don't think they are more emotional. How girls (correct me if I am wrong) Tend to care about many things. They are evenly spread out. I think that we probably have more emotion just differently set. Guys put it into 3 main things Girls possibly 20 things. That is why when a guy is asked What do you wanna do, or What do you want to eat. He answers I don't care, mainly because he doesn't. Guys will probably just go along with the flow. Especially when it involves one of three things. If we are in a relationship we don't care what we do together, as long as we are there together. It also bothers the heck out of us to not know something about the girl we like.

I guess that was my little  insight on guys for any girl who really cares, or for any guys that aren't really guys. And remember kids,
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

This is "It's Been Awhile" by Staind. I like this song because it makes me think of me. That sounds kina vain lol. Enjoy whether you like it or not.

Ha Ha. I am not allowed completely to say what I did but I will laugh at it. Ha Ha *taunting mean laugh* Ha Ha. I did not do something bad just something worth laughing about. Ha Ha. I can't talk about it because it is like Top Secret Vietnam stuff. But I would enjoy it if you laughed with me. So please remark with your own laughter. (trust me you would laugh) Ha Ha. I will use the code "the cat lost his foot" to describe what happend. Ha Ha.

Ok well this has been on myspace for a few days just tell me what you think.

Why is it that I am having trouble swallowing?

Why is it that I am having trouble breathing?

I know why I don't want to.

Why is it that I am having trouble thinking of You.&Me. as just that?

Why is it that I am having trouble thinking of not saying those three words to you everyday?

I know why I want to.

Why is it that I am having trouble understanding why it is this way?

Why is it that I am having trouble when only ten minutes separate our voices? 

I know I need help.

Why must I be so terrified of everything? 

Why must I screw things up?

I have no clue

Is there anyway I have the strength to pull You.&Me. Out of this? God knows I want to.  

Is it those three words that got us in that deep?
Or was it that one action of just that?

Is it your blue eyes that drug me in too deep and drowned me?

Is it the fact that I have no clue what to do?

Is it the fact that you were the warmth in my bones that pushed me?

Is it the fact that I screwed up everything else in my past that it was only natural for me to do it now?

Is it the fact that there is only one thing I dream of when I finally go to the hell I call sleep, and that one thing is what saves me from the monster I call myself?

Or maybe is it just the fact that those three words are I love you?

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.

Yeah I have a lot of songs that I want to share with you guys so I think I am going to pick one a week and that will be my song of the week for you to enjoy.

Current mood: curious

This can't be the same thing I have done before. But it feels the same. It does not look the same or really there is another sense that is not one of the six ones. Another special one. I am not sure what it is. But that one sense that is the same as everything I have ever done before. I hate it. I am almost scared. I think that is the reason I feel it. Maybe this time when I was going I got over my head, or maybe it is that feeling that you know you have never been here before but everything looks so familiar. Then you get kinda dizzy. I am lost right in that feeling. Spinning in circles not know what to do.

Have you had one of those feelings that everything is going so right that it can't be really true. You just wait for it to end and then it does and you realize why it seemed so good. Or you were just fooled and believed it was good until you were crushed and devestated?  There is something going on that seems so good that tastes like a lolly pop flavored like a mirical. The taste it leaves in my mouth and that lingers on my lips is indescribable. I have been a fool too long to change my ways. I have already accepted that it must be true, even though countless times I was proven wrong. Must I fall into the same trap again? Or is this time for real. I find me pinching myself sometimes just to check. I don't wake up and I feel the pain. So it must be right?  Even if it was not real I don't think I would change a thing. Like I said I have been a fool too long to change my foolish ways. Maybe this time the fool will be proven to be a genius. Just for taking one risk. Is that what it takes to be considered a genius? Making so many mistakes and risks that finally one turns out the way you want it and everyone remembers you for it? Or is it just not giving a crap what anyone thinks and following your dreams. It seems that I have done both. So I must come out as something this time.

Well you know those things that you really think are right then you turn around and are so glad that you didn't make that move? well Yeah that happend to me. I was so sure that there was something up. Something I had to say. When I should have realized to sit down and don't say a thing. Even if you do something that is too late, at least you did it. I think. Right? Well I learned to hold my tounge and I am glad I know how and when now. Pray that I use it.

Yeah so right now I am kinda pissed off and I don't really have a reason I have just been kinda on the edge lately. Just ready to jump at whatever I need to. There was a fightish thing in the lunch room. Someone said my best friend was talking about their mom so he shoved him onto the table and my friend came back and pushed and cocked back his fist then I jumped in and stopped it. I was worried that he would get in the fight and if he did I would jump in and then a lot of our friends would and I don't want a bunch of people getting kicked off the football team so I just  stopped the fight. But then at football Our coach took Jordan Wood to the side and asked him about the fight. Coach was like what happend. Jordan said the guy pushed me. Then coach was like "Well did you push him back" Jordan said "yeah I pushed him back" then coach said good cause I don't want no pu**y as* line backers on my team." But I really don't post things like this saying how I feel I really don't like talking about how I feel. Not like I don't cry or nothing because there are times that I do, I just don't like talking about my feelings but this is whats going on. I just thought the coach was funny