A hug.  Such a simple word but something that can mean so much.  The embracing of two people or more.  The comfort you feel when someone holds you close for a minute or longer.  It can even be a simple hug.  Comfort is always appreciated.  When anyone holds you all your worries slip away and for a second everything is forgotten.  All fear is removed.  I need a hug right now.   

I just wrote a really good yet confusing xanga entry for anyone who wants to read it.  In other news, I got my scholarship stuff back from UTC for anyone who cares.  They are giving my $700 a semester.  I hope that's really good but I'm gonna ask Mr. Lawson and Mrs. Hahn and see what they say.  Well I guess that's it.  I just felt like writing my more deep thoughts on my xanga. 

Anyone who is bored today and has nothing to do this afternoon should come watch Oakland WinterGuard perform at Independence High School in Franklin. It's not too hard to get there but you could look it up on MapQuest.  We perform at 2:42 and we're determined to have a GREAT run today because yesterday we got screwed because the judges suck.  We got a 71.3 at the regional in Dayton and we had a HORRIBLE run and then last night we had a good run with only 2 drops and a few phrases rushed and we got a 70.0.  So basically we got robbed and are going back with a vengeance today so the show should be wonderful to watch.  Well not I gotta get going back to Franklin so I'll see y'all later.  Come watch of you're bored!

I think some changes are taking place.  Not sure if this is good or not yet but I feel extremely sick to my stomach as I watch my world turn upside down.  I don't like this feeling.  Maybe things will get better before Friday.  I'm thinking Friday may be a girls night/break from my usual routine.  I need one really bad!

Leaving tonight for my audition tomorrow.  Wish me luck and hope I get a good music scholarship.  I'm totally ready and very excited.  College plans are slowly falling into place and that makes me very happy!  I just have to remember a few things for the interview after the audition.  Pray I don't get stuck in Chattanooga if it snows really bad.  I also have freshman orientation on April 21.  April is already looking busy too.  These next few months are gonna fly by!  Hope I can survive!  Talk to you guys later.  I'll be back late tomorrow night.  Much love to all.

Everyone mark your calendars for this weekend, February 4-5.  There is a winterguard competition at Oakland on Saturday and Sunday.  Saturday's starts at 11:30 or 12, I can't remember.  This competition is just drumline then guard starts at like 6 I think.  Oakland performs tomorrow night at about 9:15 or 9:30.  You should come support us if you have nothing else to do!  Also, if you can't come see us tomorrow then you could come on Sunday because we perform at 2:32 on Sunday afternoon.  Sunday's performance will probably be better but we'll see.  We ARE on home turf so we should do great both days, plus we've been practicing REALLY hard.  Well thats my news for the day.  Have a great superbowl weekend and be safe!   

So right now I feel both physically and emotionally sick.  Things are pretty much going downhill fast.  I don't know how to stop.  I need a nice long weekend to myself.  I need to prepare for next week.  I need to go crazy for once.  I'm being dragged into things that I don't want to be a part of and maybe that makes me a terrible person but I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of high school.  I'm tired of classes.  I'm tired of people.  I want summer to be here.  I want a nice vacation, possibly by myself.  I don't know what I want anymore... 

This afternoon Ben came up to me in the band room and I just turned around and hugged him and we stood like that until Christi came in and said "Let's go!"  I love those moments. I always feel so peaceful and comforted.  His birthday is in a week and I'm VERY excited about it. Game tomorrow night might be a good stress reliever, that or what I do after the game...

I love my mom but I hate how she tries to pressure me all the time.  Then she wonders why I'm leaving for college???  Geez!  It's like I can't make my own decisions.  I am 18!!! Sheesh!

2005 came and went.  I'll now be graduating in 5 months and moving out a little after that.  Wow.  As I was thinking how to write this I know it took a lot of research.  You see, I drew a major blank from February to May.  The beginning of 2005 started out good then took a nasty turn a month later. 

Starting in March I got a job and grew much closer to my two best friends because of the tragic event that occured in February.  I also really focused on school and made good grades and I believe I practiced a ton!!  I pushed people away from me and had much rebuilding to do over the next few months.  I do know that in February and March I went to a few Winterguard Competitions and a couple basketball games. 

I can't remember anything that happened in April except that Amy had a birthday.  I also think this is when Amy bought a car which gave me the green Saturn.  I also looked at several colleges over Spring Break in April.  Prom was fun too.  I went to Oakland's for prom committee and had fun working it.  I also spent much of this month filming a video for church that we showed for Night at the Oscar's, a fundraising event for youth group.

I spent most of May planning Megan's surprise 16th birthday party with Leah and I remember a guard party that required a date that was very hard o find but I had fun taking Ben.  In the end of May I began talking to A.J., which was also a very interesting experience that didn't last long at all.  

In June we took a family trip to Williamsburg and New York that started out very rocky because of relations with parents.  The trip was decent and was a nice break from everything.  That took two weeks in June and it was fun. 

July brought around some very interesting people again.  I went to Jenna's birthday party and met Trey.  The hurricanes in July also kept me from going to RYM, which I was actually looking forward to this year.  Then band camp started and the first practice was amazing because I just knew it was going to be an amazing season and it really was the best since freshman year.  The learning of ballet made me really nervous but I think it helped in the long run.  I also started getting attached to someone at this point and this relationship only grew.  My 18 birthday was also at the end of July.  It is one that I will never forget.  I had to go get senior pictures made on my birthday and then I had a band practice that night, in which I was surprised by Leah, Malory, Megan, Jeremy, and Kelly when I walked out the band room door.  They attacked me with silly string and they had put sequins all over my car (which were not fun to get off by he way).   Leah, Christi, Megan, Sarah, and Jenna had also decorated my car the night before at my party and it looked really cute.  I also auditioned for and made the Murfreesboro Youth Orchestra.

August started football games and the beginning of my senior year.  I had complications with my class schedule at first but now I love it! 

September started band competitions and we did really well this year and it made me very happy to be a good band for once in 3 years.  The football team was not so hot this year but thats ok.  September ended with Trey finally asking me out after months of getting to know eachother.

October began with Fall Break.  This year it was extra special because mom and dad let me bring Leah with us to Florida.  We met some surfers there and we had a good week despite the nasty weather.  The end of Fall Break also meant Trey and I breaking up because my heart was somewhere else...  October also ended football games and competitions for band.  The end of October also began the happiest relationship in awhile.  Great Grandma Vanderbaan's life also ended in the end of October. 

November started and not much happened this month.  I was busy preparing for Mid-State an doing other things.  I also started Winterguard this year and November started training for that.  I'm having fun with guard and it's a good thing for me to be doing. 

December is obviously the freshest month of last year.  The month started with Mid-State auditions and actually making it this year.  I had many people pushing me and believing in me and I think that really helped a lot.  The Christmas Parade this year was exciting because it was my last one.  I also saw Jeremy, my long lost Blackman friend, at the parade.  Ben and I celebrated Christmas on the 23 by going to Nashville and going ice skating, enjoying a wonderful dinner at Jimmy Kelly's and exchanging gifts in the restaurant.  Christmas at home was good and our trip to Indiana went ok as usual.  The year ended in a good way with friends and it's looking like a very promising 2006.  Now, if you want you can go to my xanga for my 2006 wish list.                                    

Things were getting better but then they got worse again.  I'm taking things one day at a time and that kind of helps.  I already had to cancel 2 things because I overbooked for the month of December.  I was supposed to play at this Woodfin thing next Sunday but that's the day of the Christmas Parade so I can't miss that.  Then I found out yesterday that the choir concert I'm playing for is on Thursday when I thought it was on a Wednesday!  So now, because our concert is tomorrow night, I'm missing 2 weeks of MYO for our concert and to play at the choir concert.  I'm hoping Mrs. Mullen will still let me play in the RunOut Tour next Friday.  I can't let Mrs. Petrone down though so I have to play at the concert.  I'm hoping that I can go to orchestra from6-6:30 next week, go play at the concert then come back to orchestra once I'm done with the choir concert.  Sounds stressful but at least I'll get to practice with orchestra before the runout tour.  I also need to go Christmas shopping sometime too.  AHHH!  So much to do.  I don't think I like the month of December anymore.  At least Mid-State will be over with in 3 days.  Let's just hope I make it this year!

Ok so life lately has been very stressful.  The reason is very surprising.  The thing that is supposed to relieve my stress is just causing me more!  No, it's not boys...it's band!  I'm doing Winterguard this year and, don't get me wrong, I love it, but it's stressing me out.  I want to be a natural at it but I'm not.  I feel as if I'm retarded or something because I can't do a simple toss on rifle or flag.  I want to be on rifle so bad since I am a senior and everything but it's not looking promising at this point.  I know I've only been doing it for 3 days but I don't know what else to do.  Practicing last night was kind of helpful but I feel as if I don't have time to practice.  I'm already missing Thursday's practice because of MYO and then I'm missing try-outs on Saturday because of the UT game.  Why do I want to do this?  I'm questioning all my motives.  Ok so then I am stressing about not having time to practice flute as much as I should be.  Mrs. Hahn gave me 22 short things to sight read for Wednesday's lesson and I just looked at them today and now I'm freaking out!  Mid-State is also in about 2 weeks!  I'm so unprepared it's not even funny!  Then we have the issue of orchestra.  Mrs. Mullen wants me and Heather to play at this memorial thing the same day as the Christmas Parade, which counts as our band mid-term.  Also, Mrs. Petrone wants me to play What Child Is This with the choir this year.  Our band concert is also on December 1 and I'm not ready for that either.  Oh yea, then I found out that none of my friends are going on the New York trip this spring.  That irriatates me slightly.  They're the reason I signed up and they haven't even pain and don't plan on it.  Granted, Ben is going, but he and I obviously can't room together and as Christi said, what if something happens between now and April???  So do I pull out of that trip and lose $50 or what? UGH!  How is it that something so stress-relieving can be the main cause of all my emotional and physical breakdowns lately?  To anyone who can give me answers, you are my hero.  I guess I just really need to sit down and ponder everything for a few hours.

It's been awhile.  I've been very busy studying for the ACT and focusing on family and band.  I took the ACT yesterday.  It was..fun I guess?  My last band competition was yesterday and it was a very emotional day.  We also got our pictures back from fall break which I will be putting up here soon.  We did pretty well at MCI.  We made finals and Mr. Lawson made all the seniors cry when he said thanks for sticking with this band for the past three years!  It's always sad seeing men cry.  You never know how to react but to cry for yourself.  This morning in church we sang How Great Thou Art and my whole family started crying.  It was very sad.  It was her favorite song...  I did go to orchestra today and told Mrs. Mullen that I wouldn't be at the concert on Tuesday night and she understood the situation.  Please keep my family in your prayers.  It will be a very rough week.  Yesterday was just horrible.  I'm so sick of people talking about me.  Some people need to grow up and get lives of their own.  I'm starting to realize that I'm growing up.  I am, however, excited about going to the UT vs. Vandy game in November!!!  I guess this is long enough so I'll leave on that note.  I love you all!

Just added tons of new pics from Fall Break!  Be sure to check them out! 

Florida was very nice then I come home to this COLD weather haha. There were surfers at our beach and 1 gave us his number. His name was Evan. We had fun! I got to bring Leah and we had fun goofing off and everything like that.
Life is good right now. Been studying A LOT for the ACT, which I take again in 2 weeks. I'm scared. I have 3 college applications to fill out and that scares me too. I want to grow up and graduate, yet I'm scared to leave home and be on my own. It's a lot of responsibility. Oh well, I'll focus on other things first...

I do believe I've had THE BEST day EVER!

16 hours of band on Saturday is NOT going to be fun!

Ok so my grandparents are coming in for my last first competition! It's very exciting!
The flute sleepover was ok I hope.
I think the whole school has given up hope for our football team.
Got many good comments on how well we performed last night. I hope that's a good indication for today.
Spencer taught me how to swing dance with him last night. It was very exciting. I learned that I officially can't dance though. I always seemed to turn the wrong way. Oh well.
Shopping yesterday with Trey, Brian, and Jessica was also very fun! We think we all might want to work together somewhere.
The rest of this weekend should be...EXCITING!

You would think that by your senior year something would actually go right! I guess we've officially lost everything to them: our people, our 'pride' as their sign said, and any hope that we ever had in being better. What a disappointing night. Oh well, as Ben had to tell me tonight after the game, we've always got district! And this time it will be FULL FORCE! Wanted to wear my Siegel's Garbage shirt under my uniform so bad but didn't. I'll just have to wear it somewhere else I guess.

So because of the hurricane and flash flood warnings, NO SCHOOL TOMORROW! Hehe, I love county schools! Hope all you college kids have fun while I, for once, get to sleep!

So I'm officially frustrated with work, to the point that I don't even want to work there anymore! I want a REAL schedule and a boss that's not gonna try to cause drama at work! I want more than a $0.50 raise for working there for 6 months!!!! I know it's hard for me to work right now because of my band schedule but I'm so sick of being called at the last minute and hearing, something came up, don't come into work today! I NEED PLANNING!

Life is full of choices. Unfortunately, I'm horrible at making decisions!

I feel like such a bum. I've left my house twice this weekend: once yesterday to go to Kroger and then today to go to church. I am almost excited about school tomorrow. I don't know, I guess I like being busy and school helps me with that. Oh well, I guess I'm weird.

Just when you think your life is great, school starts. I love all my classes for the most part. Childcare is gonna be great, minus all the projects because I'm not very creative but little kids will make it fun when they come in October. So far, I absolutely despise my english teacher, Mrs. Jackson. What kind of teacher makes you take your summer reading tests the second full day of school and doesn't tell you over which book? I'll tell you...AN EVIL ONE! Mr. Scudder is HILARIOUS! That class will be fun too. Math is math and my 2 band classes will be fun too, especially Guard class. Sheesh, school really wears you out though. I'm seriously prolly gonna take a nap soon!
Oath night was...interesting. I think I'll write more about that on my xanga , that way this post isn't really long and I can update both.
First football game Friday against Blackman. We chose buses last nite and all the cool kids got on Bus 2. Oh and we're SO not ready for the game either! Mr. Lawson isn't having us practice on the field and all the freshman are gonna get so confused but whatever. If he wants us to look stupid that's his problem, not mine. Just like last night when I complained because he made us go outside in the rain and rain ruins woodwind pads all he said was "I pay for the piccolo!" Uh! Frustrating! If I ran things...hehehe. MYO starts up tomorrow night. I'm so excited about my first practice. I hope I got a good chair and I hope it's tons of fun! Anyways, this is long but it's been awhile.

Why do I even try when it comes to guys anymore? I'm so disappointed right now.
On a better note, I think I know what senior pics I'm gonna get but I must warn you all that I can only get 2 poses. I'm getting one formal and one casual.

I have uploaded some of my favorite pics. Be sure to look at them and tell me which ones you like best. Most of them are outdoor because my indoor ones didn't turn out so well.

I screwed up again. WHy do I always forget to call? I'm so grounded!!!