waiting, waiting...

Why do all the good things seem so far away? I know I shouldn't be wishing away the last few months of my senior year, but I can't help feeling like there's this huge expanse of nothing seperating me from the rest of my life.

I turn 18 in the beginning of April.  The state JCL convention, one of the few remaining high school events that is even worth thinking about, is in the end of April.  Prom is a week into May.  Graduation is a week later.

What's March?  March is useless.  March is ACI and more time for me to sit around spazzing out over my future.  I think I would worry about it less if it were just here.

At the same time, I know I'm not quite ready yet.  Emotionally, I'm bored and I'm ready to move on and do something new and exciting.  But I know that practically I am in no place to be itching for the starting pistol to send me off to college.  I don't have any money.  I don't know what I want to do.  I don't even know if I'm going to be able to stay as excited as I am till August.

*sigh*

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stuck stuck stuck

I've never been much of a rut-breaker.  I just let things go and pile up until they're almost impossible to deal with.

I've fallen into a routine lately that's pretty much the same every day.  I've got a bunch of bad habits I need to drop and bunch of good ones I need to pick up.

So how does somone who lives about 90% of their life in a rut get out of it?  I'm not sure, but I'm hoping I'll find out.

First step:  laundry.

Steps hopefully soon to follow:

Vigorous housecleaning.
Sorting clothes.
Donating old clothes.
Replacing the ruined or donated clothes.
Returning to SportsCom.  (blech)
Slowly cutting soda from my diet.  (sob)
Start cleaning on a basis more regular than two or three times a year.
Do homework, study, etc.
Find a better or second job towards spring/summer.
Drink more tea. 
Be zenner.  Panic attacks = the enemy.

Well, there's the list... Let's see how much of it actually gets done in the next month or so, if it ever gets done at all.

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Uncertainty is a harsh mistress.

Why is it that we spend so much time second guessing ourselves?

It seems as though the entire world is saying, "This is it!  Now is the time that you will decide how the rest of your life will turn out."

I find myself uncertain of everything about the next few years of my life.  Am I going to the right school?  Where am I going to live?  How am I going to stay out of the financial gutter?  Am I making the right decisions?  More importantly, am I making them for the right reasons?

I'm afraid of making the wrong choice.

Even worse, I'm afraid of not making a choice at all and letting opportunity slip through my fingers.

That first big step into the unknown is always the scariest.  Or, so I hear.  I'm hoping that after the first plunge it will get easier, or that I will at least become braver or more confident.

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doesn't get much better than this

Chillin' in art class.  Listening to Moby. Doing a powerpoint on Robert Mapplethorpe.

I'm taking a break from shopping today.  I'mma go home and take a nap.  Perhaps visit my mom.

That's the problem with updating too often.  You run out of things to say.

here we are now going to the north side

i look at my friends as they start to ride

ride at night we ride all day

looking out for a sunny day



here we are now going to the south side

i pick up my friends and we hope we won't die

ride at night, ride through heaven and hell

come back and feel so well.

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dress shopping, round two. *bell dings*

I actually got in a few hits today.

The Perfect Dress = craptastic, just like last year.

JC Penny = actually had dresses.  Dresses that fit me.  Too bad they didn't work out.

Dillard's = random not-ugly dress thrown in with old lady dresses.  Marked down to $83.  Okay prom find, not really Mil Ball material.  Was a little tight.  Although it made me sad, I let it go.

So, a few punches, but no wins thus far.  David's Bridal is either tomorrow or Thursday.

So far, dress #1 from Vivid is at the forefront... We'll see how it goes.

ps - Big ol' thanks to Rachel and Mady for shopping with me on Monday.  And an extra big ol' thanks to Jennifer for shopping with me today!

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