May 27 2007
Senses Fail Lyrics

Calling All Cars Lyrics

Calling all cars we've got another victim
'Cause my love has become an affliction
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

I'm sorry but I think I failed to mention
I lied at my very first confession
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

'Cause this has been building since I have been breathing
And I know how it's going to end

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

Oh my dear, what have I gone and done now?
It's curtain call, I'm about to take my last bow
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

Without giving away the entire ending
I ruined the evening again

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

I don't have love left inside, inside
And I don't have love left inside, inside
Are you desperate for an answer?
I don't have an ounce of good left in me now
That's why I walked out

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You hate me for it now
Try to forget me and just move on

I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
And do your best to forget my name

dear boy...

May 23 2007
dear boy,
i wish you wouldn't have hurt me so bad. i say that i'm strong and i will make it, but it still hurts like crazy...and i feel like you've ripped out my heart and torn it up as many times as you felt like it.

all of the promises you made, apparently were just made to be broken. i can't believe i thought you were telling me the truth about everything. you lied to me and stole my happiness. i thought my life was hard enough already, and then you go and do this to me.

you are the third guy in my life in the past 6 months who have done this to me. i gave you the benefit of the doubt, even when i knew about your past. how could i have believed it? am i really that oblivious? apparently. the reason i didn't give you my first kiss was because i was testing you to see if that's the only thing you were out for...i don't know if that was the case, but, it happened the way it should have. i'm glad i didn't give it up..even though i planned on it for our next date.

everything that you told me...i was amazing, beautiful, pretty, cool, a great person...do you still think that? or did you ever? was it all a lie like everything else? i can't even tell with you anymore.

my self esteem was already low enough...so when you started saying those words to me, i believed them because they made me feel good about myself, i now know how vulnerable i am..thank you for pointing that out. what was wrong with me? please tell me, i'd like to know.

don't expect me to be your friend right away..i have to heal and get past the realization that it's true that we won't ever work out. you were my first real boyfriend...and you'll always be special to me. believe me. it will take a lot to disreguard all of these feelings. just give me some time to heal...then we'll see how it plays out after that.

i loved you.
guess that doesn't matter anymore.

thank you for making my first date the way it should have been...
i just wish it could have been different.
this ends the first chapter in relationships..
and so far, i don't like it.

i don't think i'll be dating for a long time.


May 21 2007
tomorrow is my last day as a sophomore.
it's crazy how fast time has gone by.
i'm halfway done with highschool...
then i'll be headed to college to pursue my special education teaching dream.

it's almost scary how fast time is moving.
i used to think that a week was basically forever..
now i blink, and a month has gone by without me noticing.

i hate it.
but i guess it's all just a part of life.

so much has happened.
i've been hurt a LOT, met a lot of new friends who i don't know where i would be without, went through a lot of hard times, and then of course there were the amazing times...like my first date, advancing to nationals with my youth group, getting accepted into an AP english course, and then seeing my best friend walk across the stage when she graduated high school.

nothing will ever be perfect...i already know that, but lately the only thing i can do is smile. i know that god has everything in his hands and whatever happens will happen for a reason and that i'll come out of the storm victorious and happier than ever...i can't wait.

we're going to see my aunt this weekend i think. her cancer is getting worse...and well, i just need to see her. i don't know how long we'll be up there, but i will have internet and my cell phone if you guys want to talk. i might call a few of you just to talk..it's gonna be hard seeing her in the condition she's in right now...

but yeah. i told you i'd ramble today.
lots of stuff on my mind. ahhh. goodness. too much on my mind right now.

god's taken control.
now, the hard part is to sit back and let him take care of it...when all i want is for it to go my way...but i can do it.


May 20 2007
maybe this is a good thing...
if i can make it through this storm, i can get through anything.

i'll be okay..
i promise..
just give me a little while to get back on my feet..
and keep me in your prayers.


May 13 2007
oh my goodness.
last night was perfect.
great guy.
great movie.
good food.

it was great.

first date ever = happy becca.
yeah, it was pretty cool.

i'm happy, he's happy.
he didn't pull any crap.
he was a complete gentleman.
i love it.

and i went to bed with a smile on my face.

just thought i'd let you know. =]
love you all.


May 11 2007
so, life is pretty good right now.
can't complain.

school is almost over, thank god.
i'll probably have to take finals this year, though. heh. =[

but um. so yeah. hunter is pretty much amazing. haha.
even though he won't be on here to read this for a while.

not much to say really at this point.
i'm just pretty happy about everything.

um. not really doing anything this weekend.
anyone have any ideas?


April 30 2007
so as i'm sitting at home sick with nothing to do and bored out of my mind, i figured i'd write a phusebox entry.

fine arts districts competition was this past weekend. i competed in praise team, female vocal solo, large human video group, short story, and digital photography. i advanced in large human video group and advanced with 1st place in our worship team. i'm pretty excited. we're going to indiana this summer for a week for national competition. since i didn't go to nationals last year, i'm really glad that i get to go this year.

umm. yeah. that's basically been my life for the past three months. just a buttload of practicing. but it all paid off. and i've gotten a lot closer with my leaders...so that's pretty cool. i'm still trying to adjust with being in a new youth group..and i'm sorry if i didn't go to your performances (family worship group), but i felt like i had to support my group first...if you know what i mean. i don't love you any less. ;]

but congrats to everyone who advanced. i'll see you in INDY! =]

this summer's gonna be crazy though. i'm going to the 2nd week youth camp with the church, then i'm also going to the 2nd with kids camp with the church...it's gonna be different since i won't be a camper that week. and then i'll have national fine arts....along with any extra schoolwork i might have to do since i'm taking an AP english course next year. fun stuff.

but yeah.
i'll shut up now.

love you all...


April 20 2007

i love this picture. =]


April 18 2007
hunter needs to hurry up and get home.
i miss him a lot. =[

haha. i don't know if i can live through sunday!

but yeah. report card wasn't as bad as i was expecting. i DID, however, end up with 2 D's, a C, a B, and 2 A's.

hah. you should know that the two A's were driver's ed and women's select choir. hey, at least i can pass those classes! (i AM a good driver, no matter what anyone says..haha)

but yeah.
all in all, today was a good day.
it started off with some pretty amazing phusebox messages.
and i think my days are only gonna get better from here.

god's blessed me with someone amazing.
and...man, i'm loving it. haha. literally.

love you all.
i'm going to bed.


April 17 2007
so yeah. life is goin pretty well right now.
even though i know i'm getting an F on my report card tomorrow.

um. well. things are finally working out for me and someone..so that's good. it gives me something to look forward to every night. checking my phusebox messages =]

but right now i'm sitting in study hall.
just got back from driving for driver's ed..haha, i think we're going to sonic tomorrow. then the next day i get to hit the interstate..i LOVE the interstate. haha. probably because i'm addicted to going fast. haha.

ummm. i think that's it for right now.




April 09 2007
i had books full of poetry and writing that i had done.
most of it was from really bad times of my life.
so when i thought i had gotten past my bad times,
i threw it all away. all 8 notebooks full. last summer.
i really wish i hadn't now..cause i want to look back through it.
remembering what had happened and why i felt that way.
because i'm starting to feel the same way again.
and maybe if i could look back through them one more time,
i could see what pulled me through. who helped me. who didn't.
i wish i still had that creative flow to write again.
but lately, everything's caused me to block.
i'll sit there with a paper and pen, wanting to write.
and all i can do is sit there and look at the paper
because i can't get anything out of my brain.
there's so many things i want to say, and get out.
but i can't, they're all mixing together.
just like my life, there's nothing normal about it anymore.
sometimes i just want to get out and run away.
i can't tell you where i'll go, but i'll just start walking.
maybe even running, as far away as i can from this place.
sure, i'll come back to visit...after i find out who i am.
i've changed myself for so many people, i don't even know
who i am anymore. i've faked my smile for years now.
i've trained myself to become numb to everything and everyone
around me and the situations i want to avoid,
because they make me feel uncomfortable.
i'm at this point in my life, so confused.
i feel like i've been forgotten by those people who used to be in my life.
i'll call them to talk and catch up, and they're always too busy for me.
not like before. before, i'd call and they'd drop everything for me.
i used to be able to walk into a place and people would be fighting to sit with me.
and now, i have to search for a seat, which usually ends up being in the back row.
alone. just how i feel in the inside. i guess it just corresponds.
i'm sick of feeling this way. so fake. so, unrecognizable.
but every time i try to change, i just dig my grave deeper.
so, i've decided to stop. i don't know how i'm gonna get better.
i honestly don't know where my life is heading at this point.
so i'll go through the motions of everyday life...
hoping something will change and automatically make life different.
but i doubt anything like that would happen. especially for me.
i don't even have but two true friends right now.
they really mean the world to me, and i know they love me no matter what.
i can't say that i feel that from everyone else.
i feel like an outcast, and that's just the way it's gonna be.
i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now.
"things will get better, just wait" that's what everyone says.
but i can't seem to believe it. because i've been waiting for a long time.
and i'm only in worse shape than before.
so before i go back to my fake self, putting on a show for everyone,
i just wanted to let you know that i do love you guys.
no matter if we're friends or not, you can hate my guts and want me to die.
and i'll still love you. that's just me. i forgive and forget.
some people can't seem to do that anymore.
now you know how i'm feeling at this point.
"i'll be okay"...that's what you said, right?


March 28 2007
this is basically just a venting post for me. there's probably no one even reading anymore. but know that this is not just a sob story so you'll feel bad for me. cause that's DEFINITELY not it. i just want to let those who are curious what's going on with me right now.


so i don't know if any of you know this, but i've struggled with depression for a LONG time. i've always had low self-esteem and didn't ever really believe in myself. i think that's something i'll always struggle with. always.

but yeah. i was put down a lot when i was growing up..not so much from family, but from people outside of my family. they would make comments about me and such, and when you're little hearing someone say that "she needs to lose weight. it looks bad" you don't know any other way to react than to think, you know, "what's wrong with me?" and that's just what i've always thought...still do, to this day.

i've had my run-ins with guys. since i have such low self-esteem, everything that i hear from a guy's mouth that's a compliment, being nice to me, or just talking to me, i cling onto it. i guess i just enjoyed the attention and such. so yeah. i can still be like that, but i'm getting better. but because the guys knew i was like that, they have always taken advantage of me. they know that i'm vulnerable, so they think that, hey, what the heck. yeah.in the past 4 months, i've gone through 2 guys. we never dated. but they did their share of breaking my heart. i'm really hurt and nothing's going to change that for a while. i'm going to really try to stay away from boys for a while. i can't keep getting hurt over and over and over again. and yeah, i'm still young. i can do that. even though it will be hard, i'd much rather have a friend than getting hurt yet again.

a couple summers ago, i was in the process of changing churches. that was one of the hardest times in my life. i grew up with everyone at my old youth group..i knew them all since i was 2. i know this is harsh, but i HATED going to this new church that my parents wanted to try out. it wasn't "for me" and i didn't fit in. i went about 4 or 5 weeks before anyone in the youth group talked to me. pastor nathan was the only one who really made it a point to talk to me. it was bad. my self esteem only went down from there. i felt like i was invisible. literally. i came from a church where i was one of the most popular girls in the youth group to a church where no one knew my name except for the youth pastor because he saw it on a info card. those first few months were really hard.. i hated it there. i just wanted to leave and go back to my old youth group. things did start to look up, and while i've made a lot of new friends & best friends, i still don't feel like i'm completely accepted. i mean, i may be, but when you struggle with yourself on a daily basis, it's hard to feel loved all the time. it REALLY is.

the next thing is high school. for me, high school completely sucks. you are judged the whole freaking time by every freaking person that walks by you in the hallway. being one of the "bigger" girls in the school, i feel like everyone is walking by me and saying "oh my god. she is so fat." i just know they are. i can feel them looking at me and laughing. and like i said, i may be making it all up in my head, but this is what it feels like. i do have my group of friends that i talk to, but there's only a select few who i call "friends". and i only have two TRUE friends. i'm completely honest. and most of the time, i go through every single day putting on a show for everyone..smiling just so people won't ask me what's wrong and why i'm always depressed. I DON'T HAVE A REASON. okay? stop asking. please. and i usually won't have a reason. i'm just like that. it's how i've always been.

i've got a lot of stress on me right now. while battling with depression, there's a bunch of stress at home as well. my aunt is battling cancer, she lives in missouri and i haven't seen her since christmas. i miss her a lot...and i'm constantly thinking about her...all the time. i don't even know when i'll get to see her next. it's crazy. and it gets to the point where i can't sleep most of the time. i will go to school running on about 3-4 hours of sleep...my mind never stops running. i'm constantly thinking about what i need to do the next day, week, month, and year. every night. it goes on. and i can't stop it...and because i'm getting such little sleep, i'm doing horrible in my classes. i even failed english last six weeks.

and because all of this is going on, the smallest things can trigger a bad reaction. it gets pretty nasty. i'll snap and go off on people for no good reason. i'll just completely stop talking for days on end, or i'll just go ballistic.

i'm not proud of my recent actions, but i do take complete responsiblity for them..

and because of my stupidity, i lost a friend today..because i just lost it. i broke loose, and lost a friend over it. i regret it, but there's no way to go back into time and change it all. he told me to never text or call him ever again. yeah. i hate that, but i deserve it in a way.

if you guys have any comments/questions/concern
s. i'll listen and answer them.

i appologise for all of my recent actions. and for the next few months, i WON'T be the same. i can already tell you that. and i probably won't be talking much for a while.

i need to do something about the state of mind i'm in right now. i don't quite like who i am..and i plan on changing that.

just be in prayer for me.
it's just not a good time in my life right now.

thanks to all who read.


March 14 2007
i hate being sick.

i've been sick since late sunday night.
which freakin sucks.
i've missed a LOT of school...which means becca gets a LOT of work to do over spring break. yay. =[

but yeah.
i think it might be the flu.
which is just great.



February 05 2007
yeah. so life is crazy.
i've been under a lot of stress.
my dad totaled his car..
my grades are falling..
and to top it all off.....
my aunt was re-diagnosed with cancer..
it's even worse this time around.
she's all i think about now.

but i'm really trying to stay positive.
i really am.

i just thank god every day she's still here with us (even though she
lives in st. louis) and for all my friends who keep me sane while al of
this is going on. i love you guys.

yeah, so other than that..nothing's really happening in my life.
still single.
but still smiling.

so, that's my update for a little while.

AND rachel davis came back to school today!
i was excited and happy for her..
but i know it's gonna suck getting caught back up.


February 01 2007
i was going through some pictures on here and found a bunch of baby pictures...hahahaha. i got a kick out of them =] so i uploaded them on here..go look and laugh. it's funny.

[hey there delilah]

January 21 2007
life is so "blah" lately.
i don't know. it's like i'm waiting for something to happen...
and it never does.
i keep waiting for "the guy"
or the "perfect opportunity" to approach me.
maybe i'm not doing something right?
i don't know.

it's like i'm not happy, but i'm also not sad.
i'm in that in-between stage where i don't know what to do.
or how to handle things that come my way.

yes, i am extremely blessed and have a lot compared to some.
and i'm definitely not complaining by ANY means.
i just find myself wanting more of what this life has to offer.
and today i just put it in god's hands.
i'm hoping and praying that whatever i'm looking for
(which i'm definitely not even sure what it is)
will come to me one of these days.


okay, that's where i'm at right now.



January 14 2007
be in prayer for rachel davis.
she was running across thompson lane to get to Miller Colleseum for the Tractor Pull by the Ag Center. A car didn't see her running across and hit her. I don't know for sure exactly how she's doing..but i do know that she is okay and will recover.

It will take ALOT of strength, courage, faith.. and heart.

we love you rachel!


January 02 2007
okay, so i haven't posted since last year. ;]

hmm..not much has changed.
i'm still dealing with a lot of stuff, but it's gotten a lot better.
umm..school is still a big worry in my life. especially when it comes to retarded biology and my sucky teacher (whom i dislike.)
everything else is okay..umm...i guess. i can't think of anything else.

my dad traded in his old firetruck for a car that me and my brother could use...it's an older car and all, but it runs pretty well and it'll get me from place to place while i'm saving up money and working for a new car...then my brother can have it.

uuummmmm...school tomorrow...ughhhhh. i really, really, really hate that. not looking forward to the constant stress to return. funfun. [not.]

i really miss my old friends..you know, the way they used to be. i was thinking about that today. it really upsets me how stupid people could drive someone so far away from themselves. ughhh. i could slap some people right now. lol.

i hung out with cherry today..that was fun..and interesting..lol. we talked about EVERYTHING. it felt good to talk to someone about everything that was going on when they're involved in the same exact situation. let's see...we went to starbucks, to the movies just to see that nothing good was playing, the mall, walmart and then back home...haha, she finally found someone who couldn't ride a bike either. ;] hahahaha. i love you girl.

but yeah, that's about it.
christmas was good, i got everything i wanted basically....umm, new years was fun... =] hehe.

well, yeah, i'm gonna go.
love you all,

hey guys.

December 10 2006
i know it's been a while..
but things aren't going so great for me right now.

i just need a lot of prayer and such.
hugs are good..i like them. they make me feel loved.
i'm having a hard time feeling that right now.

if you wanna know what's going on, message me or something.
i just don't feel like posting it for the whole world to see and to make it seem like i'm just throwing a pity party, because i'm not.