Becca Hicks
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[it's been a while...]
March 02, 2008well.
my granddad is home now. and doing a lot better.
we're still praying for a full recovery.
since last post, i've been a little better i guess..just learning to live with stress and pain. i never knew i would miss my aunt this much after 9 months. i mean, i honestly wasn't even that close with her...and maybe that's my problem? i don't know. things have been really tough for me since then.
i went to a linkin park/coheed and cambria/chiodos concert last week. it was a lot of fun...and the concert was amazing. getting out of the house was the best part though, not to mention it was all paid for my a friend. :]
but yeah...i think i'll go for now.
maybe i'll update more often....haha.
seriously though, keep me in your prayers still...
i'm definitely not out of my storm yet. :/
love you guys.
[becca]
Quick Remark:
so you know what's great?
December 14, 2007what's great is when you get called fat by your teacher in front of the whole class.
mmmhmm.
then you find out you're failing all of your classes.
and then an ex of yours starts more drama...after a year of hardly even talking.
oh i love it.
today has sucked beyond belief.
i'm so ready for the break.
[wow...]
December 03, 2007it's been a while...but here's an update on everything.
i figured i should probably update you guys on what's been going on.
so, brian is out of my life for a very, very long time. i found out that he was lying to me yet again, so i broke off all ties of communication and i feel so much better than i did before.
but i've also been pretty stressed as usual.
the bowling season for districts is coming to an end...we only have one match left to play and at the moment, we're 7-0. again...undefeated. but it always puts a little stress on me at the end of season trying to keep up my average and whatnot.
then adding in the fact that i'm in my junior year of high school...
it's been really hard...hard classes, hard teachers, hard tests...everything.
freaking sucks...but i've been doing okay in my classes...passing at least
we found out a couple of days ago that my granddad (mom's dad) has now been diagnosed with cancer....only six months after losing my aunt to a very similar type of cancer. it hit home pretty hard...we're having to postpone christmas until he gets out of the hospital in january. seems like yesterday that we found out about my aunt's cancer...it's like a reoccuring dream..i'm getting all of those emotions and feelings of depression again...but we have faith that he'll get through this. if god is on our side, who can be against us?
just, right now, it's been a really tough season...
but i know that it will make me a stronger person and will get me a little closer to god...which is what i strive for.
anyways....for now...that's it...
hope you guys are doing well.
-becca
[just some writing...]
September 10, 2007is something i had done for so long…
i thought i had lived my life long enough to be capable
of telling the differentiation amid the two
but i couldn't have been more mistaken in life.
i had no initiative to where i was going or what i was doing
and i still don't to this day.
i permit myself to saunter so far into the obscurity that now,
i don't even know the way out.
i reach for assistance and can't locate it anywhere
it's almost as if i'm out here unaccompanied…waiting for something
either something good or something appalling. i have no idea.
i let my thoughts get the best of me
and now i let them go far enough to baffle me
and i don't know what to do, or even what to believe.
i have been performing like i'm utterly in the light
and people are persuaded that i am in the illumination…
but i couldn't be farther from it.
i'm so far past that position,
if there was something to point me in the right course,
i wouldn't even have adequate intellect to know where it pointed.
i'm so misplaced and misdirected and no one can tell
so no one attempts to stretch out a hand and aid.
only the times i collapse is when people can tell
that i'm really not all right..
which is why i don't collapse habitually.
although it seems to be occurring more and more now.
perhaps one of these days i will be able to come across the way out
and maybe one of these days i will obtain my life back
i will have my contentment, my smile, my happiness back
when i can take pleasure in living life.
because right now i don't have anything to look forward to
nothing to look back on and remember
nothing to smile about, too much to weep about
and i don't know how to handle it all.
so many emotions that are and aren't flowing at the same time
leaves me bewildered at all times.
it's so perplexing that i don't even experience emotion
so confused that i don't even have anything to think about
because everything is so mixed up in my mind.
my mind that has been beleaguered for years.
i've been trodden, left to expire, and not cared about
i don't know why anyone would care now.
it just doesn't make sense.
people state they comprehend it all when they, in reality, don't.
they have NO idea what it's like to suffer this way
they don't know what it's like when you have no one to turn to
and you don't have a shoulder to shed tears on
and you don't have people you can just converse with about anything
mostly, when it feels like you don't fit in anywhere
you feel like an orphan, a stray.
not many people have felt this before
and i don't know why i had to be one of them…
will i ever discover my way out of this total obscurity?
will i ever be able to exist again?
will i ever be able to feel like i belong?
these are all questions that i reflect on all the time
but i don't know when any of them will be answered.
if you don't truly want to assist, don't talk to me.
i must uncover my true friends, if i have any
and work on trying to get out of this place of anguish
before it gets too out of hand and i'm here for eternity.
for those of you who played games with my mind,
thank you for letting me get to this point.
thank you for not doing anything.
thanks so much for pushing me to the edge.
now i'm here…waiting…for something, someone…
yep uhh.
September 01, 2007things didn't work out with the guy..
go figure! =] story of my life. lol.
well AP english is gonna kick my butt this year
like, for serious. =/
but as of right now, that's the hardest class i have.
thank god.
yeah.
things aren't goin so great right now
but i'm sure they'll get better soon.
they have to.
well.
i'm gonna go now.
[becca]
