this is basically just a venting post for me. there's probably no one even reading anymore. but know that this is not just a sob story so you'll feel bad for me. cause that's DEFINITELY not it. i just want to let those who are curious what's going on with me right now.

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so i don't know if any of you know this, but i've struggled with depression for a LONG time. i've always had low self-esteem and didn't ever really believe in myself. i think that's something i'll always struggle with. always.

but yeah. i was put down a lot when i was growing up..not so much from family, but from people outside of my family. they would make comments about me and such, and when you're little hearing someone say that "she needs to lose weight. it looks bad" you don't know any other way to react than to think, you know, "what's wrong with me?" and that's just what i've always thought...still do, to this day.

i've had my run-ins with guys. since i have such low self-esteem, everything that i hear from a guy's mouth that's a compliment, being nice to me, or just talking to me, i cling onto it. i guess i just enjoyed the attention and such. so yeah. i can still be like that, but i'm getting better. but because the guys knew i was like that, they have always taken advantage of me. they know that i'm vulnerable, so they think that, hey, what the heck. yeah.in the past 4 months, i've gone through 2 guys. we never dated. but they did their share of breaking my heart. i'm really hurt and nothing's going to change that for a while. i'm going to really try to stay away from boys for a while. i can't keep getting hurt over and over and over again. and yeah, i'm still young. i can do that. even though it will be hard, i'd much rather have a friend than getting hurt yet again.

a couple summers ago, i was in the process of changing churches. that was one of the hardest times in my life. i grew up with everyone at my old youth group..i knew them all since i was 2. i know this is harsh, but i HATED going to this new church that my parents wanted to try out. it wasn't "for me" and i didn't fit in. i went about 4 or 5 weeks before anyone in the youth group talked to me. pastor nathan was the only one who really made it a point to talk to me. it was bad. my self esteem only went down from there. i felt like i was invisible. literally. i came from a church where i was one of the most popular girls in the youth group to a church where no one knew my name except for the youth pastor because he saw it on a info card. those first few months were really hard.. i hated it there. i just wanted to leave and go back to my old youth group. things did start to look up, and while i've made a lot of new friends & best friends, i still don't feel like i'm completely accepted. i mean, i may be, but when you struggle with yourself on a daily basis, it's hard to feel loved all the time. it REALLY is.

the next thing is high school. for me, high school completely sucks. you are judged the whole freaking time by every freaking person that walks by you in the hallway. being one of the "bigger" girls in the school, i feel like everyone is walking by me and saying "oh my god. she is so fat." i just know they are. i can feel them looking at me and laughing. and like i said, i may be making it all up in my head, but this is what it feels like. i do have my group of friends that i talk to, but there's only a select few who i call "friends". and i only have two TRUE friends. i'm completely honest. and most of the time, i go through every single day putting on a show for everyone..smiling just so people won't ask me what's wrong and why i'm always depressed. I DON'T HAVE A REASON. okay? stop asking. please. and i usually won't have a reason. i'm just like that. it's how i've always been.

i've got a lot of stress on me right now. while battling with depression, there's a bunch of stress at home as well. my aunt is battling cancer, she lives in missouri and i haven't seen her since christmas. i miss her a lot...and i'm constantly thinking about her...all the time. i don't even know when i'll get to see her next. it's crazy. and it gets to the point where i can't sleep most of the time. i will go to school running on about 3-4 hours of sleep...my mind never stops running. i'm constantly thinking about what i need to do the next day, week, month, and year. every night. it goes on. and i can't stop it...and because i'm getting such little sleep, i'm doing horrible in my classes. i even failed english last six weeks.

and because all of this is going on, the smallest things can trigger a bad reaction. it gets pretty nasty. i'll snap and go off on people for no good reason. i'll just completely stop talking for days on end, or i'll just go ballistic.

i'm not proud of my recent actions, but i do take complete responsiblity for them..

and because of my stupidity, i lost a friend today..because i just lost it. i broke loose, and lost a friend over it. i regret it, but there's no way to go back into time and change it all. he told me to never text or call him ever again. yeah. i hate that, but i deserve it in a way.

if you guys have any comments/questions/concern
s. i'll listen and answer them.

i appologise for all of my recent actions. and for the next few months, i WON'T be the same. i can already tell you that. and i probably won't be talking much for a while.

i need to do something about the state of mind i'm in right now. i don't quite like who i am..and i plan on changing that.

just be in prayer for me.
it's just not a good time in my life right now.


thanks to all who read.