i had books full of poetry and writing that i had done.
most of it was from really bad times of my life.
so when i thought i had gotten past my bad times,
i threw it all away. all 8 notebooks full. last summer.
i really wish i hadn't now..cause i want to look back through it.
remembering what had happened and why i felt that way.
because i'm starting to feel the same way again.
and maybe if i could look back through them one more time,
i could see what pulled me through. who helped me. who didn't.
i wish i still had that creative flow to write again.
but lately, everything's caused me to block.
i'll sit there with a paper and pen, wanting to write.
and all i can do is sit there and look at the paper
because i can't get anything out of my brain.
there's so many things i want to say, and get out.
but i can't, they're all mixing together.
just like my life, there's nothing normal about it anymore.
sometimes i just want to get out and run away.
i can't tell you where i'll go, but i'll just start walking.
maybe even running, as far away as i can from this place.
sure, i'll come back to visit...after i find out who i am.
i've changed myself for so many people, i don't even know
who i am anymore. i've faked my smile for years now.
i've trained myself to become numb to everything and everyone
around me and the situations i want to avoid,
because they make me feel uncomfortable.
i'm at this point in my life, so confused.
i feel like i've been forgotten by those people who used to be in my life.
i'll call them to talk and catch up, and they're always too busy for me.
not like before. before, i'd call and they'd drop everything for me.
i used to be able to walk into a place and people would be fighting to sit with me.
and now, i have to search for a seat, which usually ends up being in the back row.
alone. just how i feel in the inside. i guess it just corresponds.
i'm sick of feeling this way. so fake. so, unrecognizable.
but every time i try to change, i just dig my grave deeper.
so, i've decided to stop. i don't know how i'm gonna get better.
i honestly don't know where my life is heading at this point.
so i'll go through the motions of everyday life...
hoping something will change and automatically make life different.
but i doubt anything like that would happen. especially for me.
i don't even have but two true friends right now.
they really mean the world to me, and i know they love me no matter what.
i can't say that i feel that from everyone else.
i feel like an outcast, and that's just the way it's gonna be.
i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now.
"things will get better, just wait" that's what everyone says.
but i can't seem to believe it. because i've been waiting for a long time.
and i'm only in worse shape than before.
so before i go back to my fake self, putting on a show for everyone,
i just wanted to let you know that i do love you guys.
no matter if we're friends or not, you can hate my guts and want me to die.
and i'll still love you. that's just me. i forgive and forget.
some people can't seem to do that anymore.
now you know how i'm feeling at this point.
"i'll be okay"...that's what you said, right?