March 16 2007
holding your hand i won't fear tomorrow评论(0)发表时间：2007年3月16日 21时20分
vacations are over, and the teacher's not the student's.
Winter is coming also to an end, and the spring is at hand.
something is changing, and something is not. something is may not be what you want. something is not may be,although, life is going on its own way,not being stopped by anyone.
walking on the path, something like music feeling around. something lost, and something gained. it's a kind like ... , o, Lord, your hand. YEAH!HOLD YOUR HAND, I WON'T FEAR TOMORROW, HERE I STAND, I WILL NOT BE ALONE.
we can give up everything, or we can forget everything, however, Lord, you are the meaning of my life.
i was not a kind to do anything great, but i just need to be myself. but could i? life sometimes will play a joke on you that you just could control something. ok. if i could, i also pray for day that the weapon becomes plough, and under the trees all the people will be hand in hand. but, God, could that really satisfy human's desire? could that really be the end of sadness? could that really stop the evil desire?
sometimes the sunshine is high on the smiling faces, however, still hides the lonely hearts somewhere; sometimes cheers are all around the crowds, still strugging the certain weeping, maybe even could not have the strengh to weep. o, God, i do pray that the world will be peaceful and colourful, but why something still exists to make one cry? i do pray that one day, there will be not flood, earthquake, war, but who could stop the fear of the lonely hearts?
YOU HOLD MY HAND, AND I WONT FEAR TOMORROW, LORD. yeah, only your hand, not anyone else.
January 06 2007
a new leaf of the life has been turned to, i just could not help myself in too many things. love life and worshipping God, i just began to find myself hard to adjust to this new life. Recalling back the life one year ago, i was free, totally free, just could do anything i want. some people said that the moment we lost something, we are gaining something. sometimes i am asking, why am i now? why do i have to come to this point? is it because God doesn't love me any more? is it because God wants me to learn another lesson? or, is it because God has already forsaken me? i dont know. there is something i just could not understand, and i am very clear that i am changing, better or worse. who knows. i have told to God that i am willing to devoted myself to HIM, but i just could not touch HIM anymore. where are U, my Lord? have u left me? have u forgotten me? or , have u forsaken me? God, i am a sinner, i am totally no better than anyone else, please, please, please, dont forsake me..................
August 24 2006
when coming close to the age of 30, looking back, i found that life has its own patterns.
as little kids, we harbour ambious dreams which make life more colourful because they are the expecting hopes in our deep hearts; when growing up, life becomes a little grey due to more and more failures are encountered. looking back those beatiful dreams, someone may sneer while some may continue to look for the traces of hopes.
in my life, i did face some failures which had made me discouraged and nearly destroyed my dreams. luckily, before i totally surrender before life, life gives me hopes by endowing me some good friends who have enouraged me and strengthened me during those dark days. life, sometimes we feel so weak and helpless before its inscrutable characters and immovable might. almost every step we need strength and help. who could be the source of help and strength? all the friends will leave you. someone say that summer is the time for saying goodbye. It is true. when finished college, i began to learn what is goodbye by seeing my dear teacher Flight off in the airport. No tears when he hugged me until i saw his plane was flying in the sky. i was really so young at that time that i didn't realize that he is old and this may be the last time i could see him. Still arguing with him that i will see him again in his hometown soon by taking TOFEL but failed then to know that his efforts to come to fuzhou again was stopped due to his severe sickness. Flight, he had gone forever! See u in the heaven. Almost 10 ten years passed, i still could remember the days with him, especially when encountering difficulties, when trying to seek for some advice. Now Grace, Flight all had left our English Bible Study, leaving me there, facing all kinds of different new comers, i began to grow up gradually. no more indulgence because they are not there. but life still goes on. new younths like me came here, but no patience like Grace or wisdom like Flight any more, even i tried to recover their spirit in our Fellowship.
Life sometimes could be very cruel. sometimes you see something you like and in the distance, trying to seize it, catch it, but realize that something in the life has prevented u doing so. every one has the same span of life, lasting for 70 or 80 years, which warns us that we could not seize everything in the life. Sometimes we have to learn to lose or abnegate even though it represents some sacfrices or pains;while sometimes fortunately we will gain something, giving praise to God, because it is a gift from HIM.
July 28 2006
all of them are sisters, unmarried sisters. The two Gs has sacrificed themselves to God, and P still looking for one. But that is not the case to measure one's piety anyway. They are all great, having a kind of strain that could not be found in some others.
P is a totally different life viewer, cause she knows best what is to be cherished in the life due to her experiences with so many disabled persons. that's why she could surrender something in a much more easily way to see that she is not the worthy one to own all she has now.
G 1 and G 2 are the two ladies who has made up their minds to marry God, however, in a rather different way, both showing their value and love, and have become a great blessing to the ones around them.
yeah, now the question remained is, are we ourselves have been a blessing to the people close to us? or, just day by day, eating, sleeping has occupied all of the time in our life? or even, sometimes, have been a burden or curse? just say to ourselves, and pray to God to help us, hoping we are the ones living in this world to constitute a scenery rather than to destroy it.
July 27 2006
ok, going ahead to post this one is after my call to sister Patient.
she then told me that we should think about what we have rather than what we don't have. anyway, she reminded me of my devotion of my voice to God already, so i should keep in mind that God will take the responsibility now not me any more. i have been worrying so much is due to my own arrangement for God, thinking that how could i be a good preacher if lost my voice? how could i be a good teacher if i lost my voice? ok, now i know God knows all this, and HE will watch this.
thanks be to God.
July 27 2006
feeling so bad today when i came back from hospital to reexamine my voice, i just wanted to cry.
actually i have been well enough to speak, though, i can't help worrying about recrudesence, cause i didnt obey the doctors' advice to keep silent for two weeks. as a matter of fact, i spoke a lot just at the third day of the surgery. i don't know why i have never been like this, i just worry so much now by thinking about voice is my life-- cause i am a teacher, and if i came back to the hospital for the second time for voice operation, what will i do? if i lost my voice forever, how shall i do?
July 26 2006
Knowing her is on the day of Easter Day in 1998 when i brought Flight to Zhongzhou, so in other words, i got the two influential people in my life on the same day,even though Flight has gone now, for which i could not have the encouragement yet to write about him, though, he, my torchbearer in my mind forever.anyway, she then asked Flight to initiate an English Bible Study in the church, and was agreed by Flight, a devotive missionary.
Our English Bible Study Group has gone through a lot, bitterness, sweetness,together with different kinds of people with all kinds of problems, and Grace has been standing there to invole every staff. and i saw Grace has never been tired of anyone or anything. with patience, she listens to everyone's troubles, and tries her best to pray for them and encourage them.
The days with sunshine in our EBG,though, coupled with some of the unpleasant things and unpleasant people, which i don't want mention here. but anyway, there R some dark days then, fornutely, united by the tie of Love in LORD, we have never been scattered from the time it was estabished, except some of the days break happening.
Recollecting the days with her, i must say, has been a great blessing for me, of course blessing for many others, though. many disscussions and instructions and encouragements help me to look at life in a way that i could not even magine before. that's a way of total sumission to God. one thing interesting is that she never blames me when i was ****** some complaints and in a fulminic way, she never stops me but then i myself will realize that faults. sometimes she did criticize me, but always at the time accetably.
The days with her, however, also includes some unpleasant time when i saw her weakness. of course, that makes me come to senses then to know she is only a human, not a god. but God's timing is perfect, cause that is the time when i could bear that and makes me grow up with another sister. she has been terribly weak and sad at a time. anyway, it is so hard to organize all the staff into an essay, though, i may like to do it later, since she is an influential person.
June 12 2006
yesterday when i was just coming back from someone's home, i feel so frustrated. at that moment, i remember one testimony from a brother who was also experiencing helplessness, he knelt down before God and said to HIM, Lord, goodbye. with so many years' relationship with Jesus, he could not cut down the relationship with Jesus so easily, so he burst into tears, crying again, Lord, goodbye. at that moment, he saw Jesus's hand with nail stretching to him. he stopped. he knew that he could not leave God.
i don't know i am in the same situation or not, but i know that i don't have the courage to say goodbye to Jesus, cause i know HE is my sheperd all my lifetime. without Jesus, i am not where i am now. but i do hesistate in some cases now. but Lord said to me: God's Timing is Perfect. Never be dissappointed.
i know God has ability to do this. but i have little faith, and i think that i am at the edge of the cliff. i am writing here, hoping i will remember this kind of feeling , a kind of frustration at this time, and remember how God will lead me out.
ok, i am leaving for hospital. tonight will be the first night i am there. may God be with me during the time i am there.
June 07 2006
it has been raining for days.
it is ok for me, cause my operation for throat needs such cool weather.
in two or three days, i may be put to the operation table for the first time in my life. to tell the truth, i do feel a little scared. never expecting that i would handle all these staff alone, however, that's the way it is.
only in such kind of time do i found that i am this wicked person, cause it seems that only in this lonely and helpless time can i concentrate on God more.
too many difficulties and failures and attacks have been passed, too many tears have been presented before God, now i understand that" God cares those who are broken hearted". anyway, i know there will be some tough difficulties ahead , i know strongly now, God is watching me, and will handle all this. thanks be to God.
May 22 2006
May 22 2006
我发现自己好象真的有点"老"了。特别容易困.想当初刚进研时,满腔的热情,似乎有永远用不完的力量.难道三年之后的我，真的"老"了吗? 这种感觉就是那种,你很想投入地去做某件事情，但又觉得全身乏力,软弱无比. 也许雅各与天使摔完跤被那人摸了大腿筋就这种感觉吧? 也许又不是.
身边的同事朋友们的话题让我觉得:其实每个人都怕走向衰老,因为那就意味着你不再拥有"焦点"的生活。我想,年复一年，人到底在追求什么呢? 康希牧师说得对,一个人再辉煌都要成为历史. 那到底我们在这个世界上能做的是什么呢?我们该以怎么样的心态来面对生活呢? 聪明的你,可否告诉我答案呢?
May 22 2006
最近老觉得自己属灵生命在低沉期，似乎老是无法很专注去读圣经。但那天，我发现我居然再次在主面前哭了．我那个时候才体会到：忧伤痛悔的灵，你必不轻看。我一直以来在寻求着说，希望在某些事情上主能够给我较为清楚的指示，但一直没有．我觉得我似乎是个被上帝遗弃的人．但那天我哭的时候，我才发现，上帝没有忘记我，而是我一直没有花时间，一直不肯花这个精力．今天读了一个美国朋友的日志，他比我小５岁，可是他的日志却让我震撼．他说一直在寻求上帝的旨意，希望上帝告诉他该不该提早毕业，今年夏天要干什么，正准备要打电话给他的＂死党＂，他的那个朋友却将电话挂掉了．正当他很惆怅地坐在树下等他的回电话时，上帝这时跟他说话了：ＴＯ ＧＥＥ ＩＮＴＯ ＭＹ ＷＯＲＤ．是啊，我们几时真的将上帝的话藏在心里了？什么时候真的花了时间真正地去思量他的言语了？由此他想到了整个美国社会，他一直都认为美国教会现在正缺少＂ＰＡＳＳＩＯＮ＂．
我无法表达我的这种感觉，我只是觉得在这样一个年轻人面前，我却变得渺小了．不过，我真是存着感恩的心，因为从他们的日志中，我却感觉到了一股年轻人潮流，一股上帝国度里的年轻的 力量 ！感谢上帝， 因为 我知道，我现在要做的是什么了．
May 22 2006
May 22 2006
早上本想去中洲再去寻找那种 安静. 但由于路被堵塞了。就到了满了年轻人的教堂。每次都这样， 主总是这样按时分粮.早上坐在那里,什么都不想,拒绝一切的心思意念，倒不是我的坚强，而正是我的软弱,因为我已软弱无比，懒得去想很多东西。
我在很多人的眼里，我似乎是个马大， 可我只是个玛利亚.我会跪在耶稣面前，责问他"主啊，你为什么才来?". 可是, 感谢上帝! 因为,玛利亚的眼泪打动了耶稣,因为耶稣也哭了。我不是个坚强的领导人，不过，我感谢上帝，因他活着，因他体恤我们的忧伤，因他与玛利亚一起哭泣,我知道，我的上帝他不是高高在上，他用的是。 双手捧起,造了我们。也许，在这世界上,我们会时常感觉到孤单，无助,背叛。但是，因他活着，因他与我们一同哭泣，我们便知道我们是幸福的人.
"因他活着，我便可以面对明天!" 哈利路亚! 这个世界可能有愁苦，可能会有伤害，不过，我们不孤单.我只想告诉上帝，求主牵我的手，因为我比以往任何时候都需要你! 不许我退后，不许我再找借口来纵容自己做你所不喜悦的事,一生只要有主拉着手，已经足够!
April 26 2006
feeling a little bit disspointed by someone by finding out that he is not that a true believer as i was expecting( i may be put into a situation of JUDGING). well, but that is good anyway. experiencing life doesn't have to mean that you will meet everything within your expectation but something that cause you to meditate may bring you a lot more than "benefit".
having coworking with someone for a time, during which full of compliments, of course, encouragement we can say to some extent, it is so curel then to turn out that some of the "flattering" may due to some reasons. surely, nothing occured to us without God's gracious will, but i still feel a little bit shock and discouraged anyway. not in the prosperous time as before any more, i am so grateful to find that it is such a blessing to be able to think about everything without any involvement of any "motives".in the time of thinking freedom as now i have, i now learn to know that no matter in what kind of situation you are brought in, the only one that you can trust is God. Leaing a fellowship may bring you all the glory in your face, though, you need to stand firmly without scattering by any of the worldlily words, of which may please you or discourage you. ok, so now i am wondering for how many years will God train one to become "his suitable vessel"? looking at some leaders' weakness, his handsome faces may not be that way any more but can only hurt you stumble you.
well, thinking about my carreer of "being a leader" during the three years: have i not become a block of somebody? have my smiles felt disgusted? the answer may be "yes" sometimes. that's why i have been trying all the ways to think that which group would be suitable for you. in the idea of "envioronment shapes a person", i now have to surrender that idea that we could not conquer the envionronment! such ideas may be a sarcastic for the ambitious ones, however, after battering with so many times of failure, i then found out that the only way to keep yourself holy is to stay away from evil, just don't be close to them. if it had to be, then remember to look at God's face.
well, then come back to the topic now. how do you get out of the disappointment when things turn out to be such a shocking unexpectedly discouragement to you? falling down? definitely no! one of the solutions i can offer is that trust that" it is the lessons you have to learn on the way you grow up". alright now, feeling in this way, i began to balance in my mind instead of full of complaints all the time. he may be a good coworker with someone else, but not good to me maybe? it may true. the belief of "no one is perfect" actually helps one to own more tolerance and patience, and to shape oneself better to learn to see the "light" from others rather than "the darkness". ok. so this is a wonderful lesson for you and for me to learn. guys, go together, keep smiles always! Thanks to our great Saviour!
April 17 2006
nothing to say here now actually.
but i am feeling a little blue anyway.
i am thinking a lot of people goes and still a lot comes in our Bible Study Group.
so as in all other places. again and again. so what is the essense of life?
what is the "relationship" between people? what shall we seize during and after
the "together"? is there anything eternal? i don't know. somebody may say "i love you forever"
may change; somebody may say "let's do it until the end" may not work out; somebody may say "i will come back"
may have forgotten you. and the time still moves on, without stop, without a short waiting, nor even a second's rest.
it is not a sunny day anyway, hopefully the sunshine will come out later in the day.
God! i just want to tell you i need you now. please don't hide you* **ces from me. i need your words now! Easter Day! the day some years ago,
i was still young, and it was the day that i wanted to keep it, and wi** ** will stop at that day. Easter Day! celebrate JESUS'S resurrection!
so we just can cry before him to get comfort! so we can get the source of strengh from him whenever we are hurt! Lord, be with me and hold
April 10 2006
This morning just before the moment i woke up, i had a dream. it seems that it comes to the doomed day, where there are two rooms for believers and nonbelievers each. and i then comes the big screen, in which one of the sisters in my church seized her mom's hands, shouting, "Mom, here, with me, please!" so eagerly, cause it is a special time. it is so special that you just hope all of your beloved ones will be with you, in that room, where there are full of our brothers and sisters.
i was thinking why i had this dream.
my grandfather, who is over 80 years old now, and in serious sickness now. and at the very beginning, i don't think it is my business to spread gospel to him. not only because of my laziness, but also my little faith is telling me again and again about this: he could not be possible to be saved.
My grandfather has 7 children, among whom only my mom is a believer, and when my mom spread gospel to him, she met with resistence. and to be honest, i seldom talk to him,cause i live a little bit far away from him. but anyway, there is every excuse for yourself if you want to be lazy about something. However, God is awesome! One Sunday morning during the worship, after the sermon that mentioned about praying for your family members, i did pray for him, with little feeling, just blurting out. and from then on, if my memory is correct, i seldom prayed for him except that when my staying with my mom, and listening to her worrying about this. i did go back to pray for him, hoping one day the gospel will come to him. but to be frank, every time when i pray, i was doubting who will bring gospel to him? ME? it doesn't seem to possible.
Hey, don't be disppointed! one day, my mom asked my brother and his wife to see him just tried to show the filial piety. and i remember that i did pray that my brother will spread gospel to him, still with little faith, cause my brother seem not like the one who can spread the gospel, though. He DID. He talked about Jesus to my second uncle, and then when he came back he seemed to have the mission in his heart he continously called my uncle, and when he knew that every night my grandfather was disturbed by the evil spirit, my brother began to tell him about heaven and hell. Hail! i feel so surprised about this. the only feeling when the moment i got to know this is that i just want to cry, cry for God's mercy, God's wonderous miracle here.
Even though my grandfather still was not converted, i believe that God has his time, and HE will do the great thing, not only for my uncle, my grandfather, but also for my brother, the one who was weak but was strengthened by God. Awesome! Praise God! and i will continously pray for my brother and my uncle and my grandfather. and hoping all the brothers and sisters who read this will also join me. Let God"s work be done! Glory be to God.!
March 29 2006
Still husky in the my throat.
i am sorry i could attend the "top of the cloud" any more. one of the reasons is due of my rustiness now. i just feel like keeping silent now. it is increadible. all of my friends say that i am a clubby girl, but not now any more. sometimes i think maybe it is from God's lesson, which requires me to be a quiet and calm person. i don't know. but i am praying for the opening of my voice, hoping God will help me. I just don't like this.
March 23 2006
still going on my paper, i feel rather dizzy.
some of the collegues saw me and thought me as a "lover fallen".( i coin the word). that's terrible. but it is funny, i lost a lot of weight because of this paper, which i regard as a "economical way".
anyway, the weekend is coming. i expect myself to finish this weekend, but i am not confident about it any more. God, i need your help.
it has been raining for too many days. hoping the the sunshine will go with my accomplishment of the paper, so that i will have a REALLY good time after such a long of "staying before computer.