okay i admit it.

 my totally well thought out blogs are really big copouts for what i truely mean! They are never really what i'd rather just say. i guess because we all think to be heard we have to be deep and have ...long-hardcore-i think about worldpeace at breakfast-and solve unanswered questions at lunch-and have life figured out by the time i get in my pjs- kinda people.

and maybe you do that, good-4-you   but i really don't.... i wake up with stumbling to the bathroom- i dont even close the door sometimes-i forget to brush my teeth- i look in my fridge 8 times before i decide nothing is in there that wasn't before- & i go to bed and fall asleep to half a sentence during a prayer.

 well. its not me, & i admit that. im simple, and im sick of being what i'm not to get people to hear what i have to say, i guess this is an apology .. to myself.

Last thing i apologize ....to you all on how i have been putting up this front of myself, i've been trying to be "different" because i feel like i am just not err... enough, and that's wrong because i know i am more than enough! it was really selfish of me and i'm sorry for my immaturity.i promise i will just be me though it might be hard for awhile i probably wouldn't have wrote this, if i hadnt gotten the email i got today.it made me realize a lot. im truely sorry.

the elaboration...

so you think you can love me and leave me to die.

 They say they love me, but they watch me fall without offering a hand.if that's love i dont believe in it anymore.

you can't love and leave!!

you can love and let go, i do believe that. if you love then when they fall and won't take your hand you have to let them take the hard hit at the bottom or they will fall again.

So love allows discipline, but love also gives correction.

but i don't see how love leaves death to be.

what about the deserved punishment of death would love try and defend the guilty? no.

Now i am contradicting myself,right?

no, because for actions there is consequences, love never interferes with consequences.

so you think you can love me and leave me to die

i need help. there's this pit i cant get out of,

you say you love me but i can barely hear you from the distant echos.you will do nothing to help me? then you dont love me, ill gladly take the punishment for my sins, my crime, my wrong,but i need help with getting out of this. i need you keep me going the right way even when i am tired, and starving.you don't know the way? then just walk with me . 2 is better than 1. but dont leave me with echoing "i love you"s.

so i once asked this question "if you love me would you let me do what i wanted, or would you stop me because you loved me."

 The answer I got was something like "i'll let you make your own choices and desisions!" no! (1 Corrinthians 13) LOVE NEVER FAILS!Love will interfere. Love dos not allow PAIN.  The correct answer is "because i love you i will stop you."

don't leave them to die!

"so you think you can love me and leave me to die.

You just watch me take my last breathe

and close these blue eyes.

I don't believe in love

because you are there but you won't try

you watch while the knife just stay stabbed in my side.

you kiss me

and take my already barely enough breathe away,

and you ignor my whispers of "help me!"

and turn to walk away.

forsake me, you mistake me. oh Lord, just take me.

i have nothing else left in this place.

not hope.not peace.not love.

i think death its time to face."

"so you think you can you love me & leave me to die"

 ive been thinking about that phrase,what a powerful statement, and right now i feel if i could speak out my life in one sentence, this is it. im left with the love that leaves me hurting, but hurting might be what i need.

ill elaborate on this later.

hey. so life , my life is very ..chaotic right now.

 some of you guys have asked me whats up w. me,

& that i am acting funny, & yea, tell me bout it , i know.

its just like i have actually desired to clean, and i crave foods, and i have been very desicive, and moody .. but i dont really know whats going on with me much more than you do, well... i know what is going on, but i am not sure why really.

  its funny i cant explain much but in my quiet time with God i havent heard much, everytime i have i do quiet time this prayer request that ive been praying comes up, and it troubles me. and i really desire  to hear this request answered, and i would give up what i want out of it, just to have God answer with favor of my request even if it meant i had nothing to do with it for the rest of my life i would do it.

   im getting off here a few days, however long it takes, still be on myspace once in awhile, but i think what im looking for im not going to find here. God bless you guys, have a great week.

 -E-

" all my soul needs is all your love to cover me.

so all the world will see i am nothing , i am nothing without you."

we lost 2 cw girls in a car accident, i didnt know them, but  everyone say a prayer for their families.

 ps. 56:8 says that God numbers our tears,

that he collects them in a jar.

I know God hears our cries, and there will many tears in Dickson county for these girls. God will hear us.

i have been rushing to get home

 cause you are by yourself, just on your own.

no telling what will happen when our lives arent so close,

 its by all means a decision, a path we both chose.

 im doing double time.babe, you've been on my mind!

there's more than just a line

 than why we can't be fine.

 please hurry home. im here sitting, wishing,thinking.

and im alone.

i know you know a lot about how i feel,

you've seen  i don't shoot straight , and still expect a kill.

and i know from what you tell me

 that theres more of me in you than just a memory,

i know you aren't as strong as I'd like to think.

 by the way darling your ring is still by the sink.

that pillow of yours you left it on  my bed,

i guess til you decide its time to again rest your head.

 but we won't make it til we get some things straight,

babe some day i'd like to come home would you open the doors if im home to late?

so when are you coming home or will you just wait outside  the driveway? i ve said what i need to say, and i guess im just waiting on yesterday today.

"In the eyes of a ranger,
The unsuspected stranger
Had better know the truth of wrong from right,
Cuz the eyes of a ranger are upon you,
Any wrong you do he's gonna see,
When youre in Texas look behind you,
Cuz that's where the rangers are gonna be."

so i thought it was neccassary since i am going to marry this man's partner in Crime!:)

alright. so ever heard that amazing phrase"whats done is done"... i dont think that is completely relevant, sure no one can erase what is done, and we are human.... so ALRIGHT!! we make mistakes, but i think its more of how much you desire to be forgiven, and step towards moving on, how much effort you put on making things right..

 so the new saying goes something like this... "what's done has happened, but it's not done yet. finish it."

 so i have made an awful mistake, its already happened, now i've got to just give it to God, and try and make things right, and not turn around.           

       everyone says the first step is the hardest, i think thats also a cop out, its the steps you continue to take when you're tired of dealing with it all thats the hardest. and honestly, that would be where i am, ive taken the first steps, and the second & third steps, but we have to keep taking steps even when we feel far from the fire, because we are in dry land and fire catches hay fast.

 so though i feel like i am far from my fire i still have farther to go, because ive seen the hay catch on fire too many times, and every time ive been burnt, bcause i was still to close.

so my advice is keep running even when you see butterflies.

mmm... im Home! & im soo glad to be at my house.

its amazing how good my house smells.... & how tired i am.

so im going to tell you a little about what happened at camp, of course somethings i wont mention because those things are a what happened at camp stays at camp kinda thing...

ANYWAYS...

so i worked pretty hard with my co jr. counselors... Shelby who became a good friend, louis and Caleb.monday felt like wednesday. also, i had to take freezing cold showers every morning, i slept next to a kid that woke up at 5 in the morning and stared at me,btw, i didnt get in before 11 every night, or later. Shelby and i made a pb&j sandwich & ate it in the counselor's bed, and fell asleep in there. uhm also, thursday night came around and all the male counselors made me stay in the canteen while most every on else got to play capture the flag and that was because i have a "older friend" that liked me, and i know they care about my safety and stuff, but it made me really mad!!i had to mop 3 times, and clean the boys bathroom including the sink things on the wall.lol.

anyways, that was the basics of camp....

 glad to be home . missed yall.

i just got cussed out over the phone.

i reacted with the way i was supposed to, but it was hard.

 it really hurt me.

:(

 the feeling of this warmth against my skin.

 everytime i move i'm reminded you're still there.

because of you i cry in the shower,

and you make me want to go topless.

 i cant sleep at night, until i pray the pain stops.

because of you i am red in the face.

i feel so warm but i wish i could be so cold.

so this is totally about my sunburn...what do you think?lol.

well. theres so much i could say about this past week. no doubt this was was one of the best weeks of my life. but i will leave it at that.

  its funny though, i feel really different than when i came. and i admit i love this.

wha yea im pretty out of it , i had 3 1/2 hours of sleep. so im going to sleep.

I"m GOING 2

 CAMP! & it will be

AMAZING!

I want you to know this is completely everything of me….

I do miss you.

    But I can not honestly say I really need you, or I hope you find me, or I should really want you, or I hate you, or I know what love is, or you’re amazing, or I am better with you, or I am better off without you,or you made a mistake, or I wish I never kissed you, or I am missing all the right things, or I am glad you took your knife, or I think will you need me.

       You will be the reason I am fighting, the sweat on my face, the one more step I will take, the thing that pushes me, the thought going through my mind, and you will be what I think of when I am these knees.

But You are not my goal, no you‘re just my motivation.

& you are not my bliss, you’re just my aggravation.

You are not my love, just the love before that.

You are not my cry, you’re just my tears.

  I will make it either way, and though I think I will still want you, I might not when I get to where I should be, whatever happens I will trust God knows how to make me happy.

Ha, you dont know ANYTHING!

dont pretend you do,you think you see me through! 

 but you can't, and you really dont know at all.

 the only thing you know is how much i miss something

that was mine for awhile,

I cry at night, but during the day i can fake the happiest smile!

 its crazy whats happening to me...

you don't know whats on my mind,

& if you found out you would be so far left behind.

 you cant say he didnt love me,

and maybe he didn't but thats not your concern just let it be!

 you dont understand me or whats happening...

Dont pretend you know whats going on, i swear there's so much more you'd be in for!

 i cant tell anything, i'd put you on overload.

but listen closely to me , and you'll see these words of mine,

are not near empty.

i want to come right out and say it.....

so I prayed to God, and said if you want me and austin relationship to end, and if we are not supposed to b together right now, then lord take him away from me.so he did. and i honestly don't understand.

God always hears my prayers, and he seems to never answer right then, but when i offer him something i could barely studder the words to give him, something that i love , something i value so much... He takes it, and all i can think about is why?  I have thought about it so much from being angry to saying oh God you heard me , and this is where i am supposed to be.... and right now i am hurting.

 And soon very soon you will read this austin mathis! & i hope you know , i hope you see, i hope you remember.... Every piece of me you have, and i cant let you go. but someday... i might be able to. i will press on because i promised you i would.

i just wanted to be upfront with all this, and i didnt want a big trail of gossip about me or austin to go around about you heard, and ill say this up front neither one of us broke up angry or upset with the other person, and yes, he broke up with me , because i could probably not been able to let go, and God knew that.

Ive made a swear with my best friend i will not date another guy for at least a year, and a commitment for 2 years. & my only exception will be If God brings austin & I back together in this time, and i doubt we will neither be ready for another try within 2 years....

 so just thought you all should know that,too.

  it starts with goodbye. 

I thought i was in this deep dark hole alone when a hand reached out and a familar voice i had forgotten said how do we get out?

 i thought these tears were just my tears, and this loneliness was just my loneliness when from behind me said you are wet from my tears, and you are cold from my loneliness.

  & i had been alone waiting for a train for awhile that wouldn't come, and when i was ready to just go back home, a stranger said i'm lost where is the train station?

 and i Erin had cried countless days thinking about how i was so alone, and how no one would ever understand why, when i got an email from myself it seemed but as i read on i knew i did not write it, a tear fell down and i cried  I AM NOT alone!

she has nothing on me.

 why she is jealous is though beyond me.

i know shes amazing.

 but for a reason she's to be a cow grazing.

selfish pig, thatswhy i am your master.

 its not high heels that can get you there faster!

i think she'd be graced to know i think shes beautiful.

 but her little self confidence is ugliness to her OWN FACE,

 she doesnt see how when she walks in a room by her smile its a beautiful place,

if only she'd smile, and only if just for awhile.

she wears "woe is me" on her sleeve,

i want to slap her crazy til she can see.

 i wish i could show that amazing girl

thats the only reason why she has nothing on me.

 by erin for a friend

 one thing i love ....

 it makes me respect people who have it..

 one thing i wish i just grab it and hold on to forever...

it starts with a p... & i bet you can guess it...

 yep, Its Persistance!!!!!:p

  those people who dont give up on people, or an idea or dream, and so much tells them they wont get what they want  but yet they push past that. i simply adore that. maybe its because most of us give up after awhile.

But those who wont take no,

when there's a possible yes later,

those who get the dreams they dream,

who get that one girl  or guy they have chased after for months,

the ones who made it to their goal by just hanging in.

 those are the people i admire , i respect... and sometimes there are dreams you have to let go, but most of the times its because we give up to easily....

 i adore persistance and maybe its because i have seen persistance in action,and then maybe its because i dont have enough of it either.

so i have  thought of 10 problems i have to fix to be right with God... and one of them is fix my priorities.... i think that will be my number uno for what i spend my time on most is whats important to me. i told Austin about them ,

and he said my heart should be #1 ,

 and i told him the heart isn't fixed in a day,

and he said but when you fix that everything falls into place,

i told him but when i am tested, and trialed and fix my other problems on the list with the right mindset to fix them it would also change my heart. we are both right, And i learned 2 ways to fix my heart, 2 different outlooks on things.i like that, because austin tells me to directly fix

it, and i say it can be fixed indirectly.

 anyways, im going to be working really hard to get right with God, and it doesnt happen in a hour or a day, but there will be a difference in me, and i could be focused on other things, but why? when it all comes down to it its me & God & he promises me that if i trust him he will give me the desires of my heart, that's a pretty good deal to me.

well. i just wanted to share that, i know most of you won't even take the time to read this, but i just wanted to shar with you what's going on with me spiritually.

call me a silly girl,  but oh how swell it would be to play the butterfly.

but then in the dramatic metaphor i really am.

 & ill fly away but youll see me around.

I cant help but think of my best friend Erin when i listen to this song. this is my song to her.

" She's cold & she's cruel but she knows what she's doing...."

so my last video deleted on me & i like this one anyways, this is my life's song, and sure notevery line is me but i find i can relate to a lot of them, just breathe.

"we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,"

"You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out"

"And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again"

" 2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

awesome video. amazing song. hope you like it.

 You won’t find me.

Do you believe I will fly with angel’s wings?

  I will soar beyond all these things.

 Gravity… well, it doesn’t keep me on the ground,

  I don’t look like I am floating, but when you turn around…

 You can’t see it, and if i choose not believe it

I will be back in chains, no sense of hope will remain.

You won’t find me I will fly with angel’s wings.

ill be in fields in clover and I will soar beyond all these things.

you won’t see my footsteps they don’t proof me on the ground.

I passed on to the flowing spring I don’t look like I am floating.

I went on to better things. but when you turn around..

my time i climb up on mountains You can’t see it!

and if i choose not believe it you are running just to catch up.

Dont worry by my silence i've had my say,

 you know what i think of you anyways.

 i'm not sure i can forgive you yet,

 though i will,

because i know standing in your rain will only get me wet.

 You've done this many times,

and like every other time you get yourself justified.

 But this time i tell you this,

 It's been over long! i'm done! this is my deepest wish.

 I seek no revenge, but i think somehow you'll get it.

   & i dont think you wouldnt deserve to fall in the pit.

i'm hurt but unlike many times before,

I have someone standing in front of me with his sword drawn at the door, he knows im in a battle worth fighting for.

 Thank God this could be the end of the war.