i want to come right out and say it.....

so I prayed to God, and said if you want me and austin relationship to end, and if we are not supposed to b together right now, then lord take him away from me.so he did. and i honestly don't understand.

God always hears my prayers, and he seems to never answer right then, but when i offer him something i could barely studder the words to give him, something that i love , something i value so much... He takes it, and all i can think about is why?  I have thought about it so much from being angry to saying oh God you heard me , and this is where i am supposed to be.... and right now i am hurting.

 And soon very soon you will read this austin mathis! & i hope you know , i hope you see, i hope you remember.... Every piece of me you have, and i cant let you go. but someday... i might be able to. i will press on because i promised you i would.

i just wanted to be upfront with all this, and i didnt want a big trail of gossip about me or austin to go around about you heard, and ill say this up front neither one of us broke up angry or upset with the other person, and yes, he broke up with me , because i could probably not been able to let go, and God knew that.

Ive made a swear with my best friend i will not date another guy for at least a year, and a commitment for 2 years. & my only exception will be If God brings austin & I back together in this time, and i doubt we will neither be ready for another try within 2 years....

 so just thought you all should know that,too.

  it starts with goodbye. 

I thought i was in this deep dark hole alone when a hand reached out and a familar voice i had forgotten said how do we get out?

 i thought these tears were just my tears, and this loneliness was just my loneliness when from behind me said you are wet from my tears, and you are cold from my loneliness.

  & i had been alone waiting for a train for awhile that wouldn't come, and when i was ready to just go back home, a stranger said i'm lost where is the train station?

 and i Erin had cried countless days thinking about how i was so alone, and how no one would ever understand why, when i got an email from myself it seemed but as i read on i knew i did not write it, a tear fell down and i cried  I AM NOT alone!

she has nothing on me.

 why she is jealous is though beyond me.

i know shes amazing.

 but for a reason she's to be a cow grazing.

selfish pig, thatswhy i am your master.

 its not high heels that can get you there faster!

i think she'd be graced to know i think shes beautiful.

 but her little self confidence is ugliness to her OWN FACE,

 she doesnt see how when she walks in a room by her smile its a beautiful place,

if only she'd smile, and only if just for awhile.

she wears "woe is me" on her sleeve,

i want to slap her crazy til she can see.

 i wish i could show that amazing girl

thats the only reason why she has nothing on me.

 by erin for a friend

 one thing i love ....

 it makes me respect people who have it..

 one thing i wish i just grab it and hold on to forever...

it starts with a p... & i bet you can guess it...

 yep, Its Persistance!!!!!:p

  those people who dont give up on people, or an idea or dream, and so much tells them they wont get what they want  but yet they push past that. i simply adore that. maybe its because most of us give up after awhile.

But those who wont take no,

when there's a possible yes later,

those who get the dreams they dream,

who get that one girl  or guy they have chased after for months,

the ones who made it to their goal by just hanging in.

 those are the people i admire , i respect... and sometimes there are dreams you have to let go, but most of the times its because we give up to easily....

 i adore persistance and maybe its because i have seen persistance in action,and then maybe its because i dont have enough of it either.

so i have  thought of 10 problems i have to fix to be right with God... and one of them is fix my priorities.... i think that will be my number uno for what i spend my time on most is whats important to me. i told Austin about them ,

and he said my heart should be #1 ,

 and i told him the heart isn't fixed in a day,

and he said but when you fix that everything falls into place,

i told him but when i am tested, and trialed and fix my other problems on the list with the right mindset to fix them it would also change my heart. we are both right, And i learned 2 ways to fix my heart, 2 different outlooks on things.i like that, because austin tells me to directly fix

it, and i say it can be fixed indirectly.

 anyways, im going to be working really hard to get right with God, and it doesnt happen in a hour or a day, but there will be a difference in me, and i could be focused on other things, but why? when it all comes down to it its me & God & he promises me that if i trust him he will give me the desires of my heart, that's a pretty good deal to me.

well. i just wanted to share that, i know most of you won't even take the time to read this, but i just wanted to shar with you what's going on with me spiritually.

call me a silly girl,  but oh how swell it would be to play the butterfly.

but then in the dramatic metaphor i really am.

 & ill fly away but youll see me around.

I cant help but think of my best friend Erin when i listen to this song. this is my song to her.

" She's cold & she's cruel but she knows what she's doing...."

so my last video deleted on me & i like this one anyways, this is my life's song, and sure notevery line is me but i find i can relate to a lot of them, just breathe.

"we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,"

"You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out"

"And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again"

" 2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

awesome video. amazing song. hope you like it.

 You won’t find me.

Do you believe I will fly with angel’s wings?

  I will soar beyond all these things.

 Gravity… well, it doesn’t keep me on the ground,

  I don’t look like I am floating, but when you turn around…

 You can’t see it, and if i choose not believe it

I will be back in chains, no sense of hope will remain.

You won’t find me I will fly with angel’s wings.

ill be in fields in clover and I will soar beyond all these things.

you won’t see my footsteps they don’t proof me on the ground.

I passed on to the flowing spring I don’t look like I am floating.

I went on to better things. but when you turn around..

my time i climb up on mountains You can’t see it!

and if i choose not believe it you are running just to catch up.

Dont worry by my silence i've had my say,

 you know what i think of you anyways.

 i'm not sure i can forgive you yet,

 though i will,

because i know standing in your rain will only get me wet.

 You've done this many times,

and like every other time you get yourself justified.

 But this time i tell you this,

 It's been over long! i'm done! this is my deepest wish.

 I seek no revenge, but i think somehow you'll get it.

   & i dont think you wouldnt deserve to fall in the pit.

i'm hurt but unlike many times before,

I have someone standing in front of me with his sword drawn at the door, he knows im in a battle worth fighting for.

 Thank God this could be the end of the war.

 the night with austin was Great , a lot is good

but ....

               gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

 (thats all i can think to say)

i know i just wrote a blog but i have to say something else.... have you ever had a flaw or problem that you weren't aware you had or why you had it, & not sure what you are doing?.....           

     well. this is particularly relevant in my life with 2 seperate circumstances - one is a really big thing to me & most people are proud of it, but no, i am not even aware that i do it.. everyone tells me i do, & today i heard from someone i cared about & it kinda hurt but doesnt the truth do that to ya. i really dont know what i do to come off that way,

 & the second one i just figure it is me, because i'm not sure what else it could really be, i have tried to improve but nothing really works... idk.

 Its all kinda been bothering me, & i dont know what to do... Im just at a stuck point, and i went through & tried to find whats wrong, but for some reason i just don't know & ive prayed about it & went out my way to do things that might be the problem.....

 so i'm sending you guys a 911 call what should i do?

so last night i watched tuck Everlasting, an amazing movie if i might point out...

 so it brings me to the topic

"If there's one thing I've learned about people, it's that many will do anything, anything not to die. And they'll do anything to keep from living their life. "

"Don't be afraid of death, Winnie. Be afraid of the unlived life. "

"Time is like a wheel. Turning and turning - never stopping. And the woods are the center; the hub of the wheel. It began the first week of summer, a strange and breathless time when accident, or fate, bring lives together. When people are led to do things, they've never done before."

" don't wanna die; is that wrong?"

 Given the choice to live forever or die in 50 years what would you chose? should we want to live forever, where there is no time, no reason to keep on, but there is no choice.... but to chose to die some things will never be experienced,  the amount of time might not be enough...  we fear something we don't know much about....

 i like some responses on this .... a taste of a never ending lifetime, or the fear that this breath could b your last?

if i could give it to you i would , if i knew it wouldn't hurt you.

 but like a bee provides honey that taste like valleys of heaven, it also stings like pits of darkness , 

a taste of what i'm almost sure is hell.

 trust me when i say i know good things can cause pain, trust me when i say you'd be left standing in pouring rain.

 I just don’t feel I am your special anymore,

 I couldn’t be important as before.

 from this love forsaken thought,can you relieve me?

No more immaturity,

this is just the way I am feel about myself to you,

 I don’t like to share it,

because you make me seem stupid to reveal my emotions as I do.

 from this discomfort,Will you relieve me?

See, I still know the facts and the feeling is not where I’m at,

& I know all so more than that.

You care and I do have that belief.

  I just don’t feel it, &                                                 

I don’t feel I can have that relief.

 please relieve me!

so here lately i had been praying for some motivation.

  well,yesterday afternoon I had thrown up & mom said i was not going to practice, and i had aready called amy & austin & told them i would not be coming because I was sick, ... so i was laying in bed when i tought to myself " you have to go"... so i decided i was better, i got up told mom that i had a miracle recovery, and i know she didnt believe that, but she let me go. 7 minutes later i was out the door & on my way.

 i threw up twice at restoration but to be honest i wouldnt have that any other way than to be at practice. during the run through of the line up i thought about how Courtney went through a 45 minute presentation so sick, she did it anyways though, and how austin had the flu at practice but how he did what he had to do.... & i kept saying  to me Suck it up. 

    i made it through the line up, and i almost made it through practice! & I can be motivated ... :)

btw, if anybody gets sick because of me I am So sorry.... i really am. i love you guys. :)(:

I dont want to go to sleep & dream the same dreams that i

    could never have when im awake, I dont want to wake up to

 Just another day , another week!

I'm tired of the same things, the very plains.

 i just want something different,

i just want what i cant have.....

nothing needs to be the same....

 I just want to live a totally new day,

 not wake up in the same yesterday!

      alright, im sorry its twice in one day... i have a VERYYYYYY bad suspicion(sp) about someone i really care about, and i dont want her to get hurt, but if i am right and i believe i am, then she s way in too deep for me to do anything but tell her parents on her, and then she will hate me, and i want her to trust me...... should i mind my own business , or should i follow her and find out if im right, which im pretty sure i am...

 what should i do?

So right now

 I am pretty content, I’m pretty happy I can say I’m his again, but so many things seems to be bothering me right now! I don’t feel very, for lack of  better words….

“passionate about something I’m don’t feel reassured about.”

  Something that’s bugging me at school is my sister’s best friend was being talked about yesterday, and I defended her, and I did agree with a lot of what they said, but it wasn’t their place to say it, because they do the same things and because that I stood up to them, I damaged a friendship between me & a good friend. & it hurt me but I think I did the right thing. I think.

    On the upside,  my starburst collection is pretty awesome, I found a PURPLE wrapper, I was so excited, and there was 4 or 5 guys in my class bought a pack of starburst for me, and I couldn’t help but get excited about that… ;)

 so yea, that’s what’s up with me!!

       i will not heal 

by the power of tylenol,

 not by any remedy of a book,

 not with philosophy,

or by the chances i took.

              i will never forget,

but excuse me im trying not to remember.

i will not let myself cry in simple fear of not being able to stop,

i refuse to say what i really just want because once i say it ,

 its no longer just in my thoughts.

  you're still in my heart, dont worry love, i want you to be mine, but i wont take your hand til im for sure its the best thing, just wait on me. ..

im going through this,too. the pain & the hurting. the fight to stay asleep, the day is a blur, my life's just not the same. one way or the other i will make sure you make it through.