i dont want pity or anything like that. i want honesty. i want answers. if you didn't know me well, or didn't see me much, would you think i was a Christian? honestly? am i easy to anger? do i have a bad attitude? do i argue too much? what do you think my problem is? i would really like to know. thanks guys.---Cari

Trace the shape of my heart, til it becomes more familiar to Your eyes. I've been down without You, wrong without Your love. It's taken days and nights to make me realize....So rescue me from hangin on this line, i won't give up on givin You the chance to blow my mind, but the eleventh hour quickly passed me by...and i'll find You when i think i'm out of time.

You made me. Who am i? that i should company with something so divine? mercy waits, overjoyed. the prospects of finding are freeing, freeing me. ...mirrors spin wicked tales. here lies reflections of deceptions.

so close my eyes and hold my heart. cover me and make me something. change this something normal, into something beautiful. and i'm still fighting for the words to break these chains, and i still pray when i look in Your eyes You stare right back down into something beautiful...

man...no one says exactly what's on my mind quite like Jars of Clay. gahlee. i don't even know what to think anymore. i really dislike being so in love when i don't know if the feeling's mutual. i dunno if love is even the right word for it. but it's the first time i've ever liked a guy worthy of liking. but i just don't think we'll ever date. w/e. i don't think i'm called to date in high school. but that's ok. i need to fall deeper in love with God before i fall in love with anyone else. so i guess He's just protecting me. cause He's awesome like that. so, tonight for choir, i went to go see MTSU's performance of The Dialogue of the Carmelites w. Carla Price starring as Sister Blanche. wow. it was the most depressing thing i've ever seen. but it was pretty good. even for opera. carla and this other girl had the most amazing voices ever. they made me want to do that when i get to college. wodie. anyways, i need to hit the sack. i love you guys! g'nite---Cari

WOW. that's about all i can say. Mexico was amazing. over 4300 people made a decision to accept Christ. it's pretty funny how we go into something like that and give God a set of limitations. i think He finds it funny knowing that we do that, and knowing how He's gonna reveal Himself to us in such huge ways. ya know, i thought maybe i'd get to Mexico and i'd really feel God calling me there. but i didn't. so i can't wait to see where He is gonna call me. Africa anyone? man. i never completely appreciated America until i left it. i was so happy just to be able to flush the toilet and take a more-than-3-minute shower. man. also, i didn't eat any meat or milk while i was down there, so when i got home, mom made me fried chicken, mashed 'taters, peas, rolls, cranberry sauce (i love that stuff!) and i drank like, 3 glasses of milk. ha. but besides all that, i really felt like i grew on that trip. God really showed me what He is made of, and what it means to really have faith. I find it so cool that i've gotten to the point to where if i don't do my quiet time, it really affects my whole day. i'm really trying to learn how to completely depend on Him right now. so yeah. i'm really stupid and fickle sometimes. i really liked a guy for like, 3 days, and then stopped almost immediately. ha. gosh though. this trip really made me miss bruce. a lot. but that's ok. OH! I ALMOST FORGOT! like the second day in mexico, i got the chance to lead 2 mexican guys to Christ! WOW!!!!!!! it was amazing, and it was ALL GOD because i had no idea what to say to a couple of Mexican men. but it was amazing. wow. they both accepted Christ. ha! so cool. well i besta go. i'll see all you homies on the flip-flop. byekataters! ---Cari

omgoodness...i'm leavin tomorrow. i'm so scared about the plane ride. i just don't trust planes. school was pretty great today. i had a sub in Algebra II, history, and Spanish...the spanish sub even baked us cookies! how cute. even ms. petrone was nice today! (?) weird. i think i'm in love guys. i know i say this alot, and i'm sure you think i'm stupid. but i am. but it is really stupid. because all i'm setting myself up for is getting upset, because i just don't know if the feeling's mutual. but he acts like it is. i don't even get him. but that's ok. well, i gotta go.! i guess it'll be a while before i post again! much love to you all! ---Cari 

Currently Reading
Armadillos and Old Lace (Kinky Friedman Novels (Paperback))
By Kinky Friedman
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"I Gotta Get Some Cheese" ---Jade

the above is my quote of the day. nayways. today was pretty good. yesterday kinda sucked. but that's ok. Mexico is soooooooo 3 days away! i'm a leavin on a jet plane...but i do know when i'll be back again. so pretty sure it's kinda weird whenever someone you barely know completely emotionally dumps on you. random. but it makes me feel good that people feel like they can talk to me about their problems and stuff. i think i should definitely be a psychologist when i grow up. so, pretty sure i really kinda like this one guy. but, as usual, i doubt anything will come of it. i don't even know if he likes me. but he's pretty dang cool. Ms. Tina is convinced that i should date Jared. ha! like that will ever happen...i've already made up my mind that i'm going to marry an African guy that i will meet while i'm doing mission work. so i guess that's settled. nayways. not much to say. i really can't wait to see what God's gonna do on the mission trip. tis gonna be awesome. happy trails to all you band kids going to NY tonight! have fun! nayways, gotta go! ---love to all---Cari

song of the day : "Pressin' On" --Relient K

    "You look down at me, but you don't look down on me at all..."

so. life is pretty is good. about to go Celebration of the Arts @ Oakland. today was also the math competition (yeah, that's how i roll...) and it made me feel like an idiot. like, i get algebra and all, but dude, i seriously don't get that algebra. w/e. i had an ok time. i saw Stephen Diaz, whom i used to talk to all the time about 3 years ago. wow. he had no idea who i was. kinda weird. anyways, so yeah. i had a really weird dream, and i woke up, thought it was real and was really happy, and then realized it wasn't, and was kinda sad. w/e. i'm weird these days. watched Orange County a little while ago. good movie. Colin Hanks reminds me of William West. ha. so yeah, Ms. Hebden is definitely my favorite teacher. she is so nice, and she said some really nice things about me to my mom. word up. oh well. tomorrow is church, and DBS, and the a Mexico meeting. I'm leaving on Friday! ...no wait...Saturday! i also realized that i have to make 4 flights in all...poop. i'mma hafta take some heavy sedatives. j/k. well, i gotta go. much love to you all. ----Cari

so. i'm wide awake cause i took a nap this afternoon. in other words, i'm gonna be busted tomorrow.  but w/e. i'm gettin excited about Mexico. I can't wait! i really don't have much to say currently, but i'm really bored, so i thought i'd get on Phusebox. oh yeah, i was kinda upset cause my mom wouldn't let me go to Cafe Symposium tonight...i would really like to check it out. but maybe i shouldn't be there any way. oh well. g;nite ya'll. and by the way, no one leaves me any remarks...how sad. love to you all---Cari

so. formal. what fun! woot. pretty sure i got to pull up in an 83 chevy...wow. my life is complete. but surously...'twas fun. we only stayed at the dance til like, 10:30, then we changed and went bowling. wow. i scored a whopping 38 points the whole game. and there was this super drunk/hick/skankish/old couple that was like, totally goin at it beside us. i think maybe it was Woodbury Night @ the alley. oh well. it was still super fun! and i really liked my dress and some of the others. everyone looked great...so yeah. then we went to IHOP 'roundabout 1:00 AM...lemme tell ya, everything's funnier @ 1 AM...Joey ended up getting green eggs...disgusting. i think the waitress wanted to kill us all. and there was a cowboy walking around...he was trying to find the love of his life, Betty. i ate soooooo much. but still, 'twas fun. so all in all it was great. plus, Mexico is coming up really soon, and i'se excited. still really scared about the plane ride, but i'm sure it'll be fun. so yeah. more later i guess. much love---Cari

so. does your life (or what it could be) ever seem like a movie? cause mine does sometimes. not in a melodramatic way. it's just funny. so, to whom it ma concern, i got principal's list this six weeks...YAYAH!...and pretty sure Lakeisha Seay is my favorite person ever...excluding Kelsey Stroop, who is my hero. but what i'm particularly not liking right now, is guys. actually, i love guys. but, one guy in particular has earned his way onto my "crap list". i don't like guys that try to mess with me, either because they think that they can take advantage of the fat kid and that i'll just go all googly eyed over them because i'm just sooooooooooooooooooooooo desperate...or guys that are just too touchy feely. i'm sure he'd just tell me i'm making to big a deal out of it, but it bothers me, so i don't think it's too big of a deal. anyways, yeah. i'm actually really sad that mrs. dugger (student teacher) is leaving on friday. i really liked her. but w/e. anyways. formal is growing ever closer, and i am excited. but not in the usual crazy way. just a very mellow anticipation. woot! we's gon has fun! i still can't believe Siegel beat us last night. but God has really opened my eyes to how not big of a deal it is. it's really not worth busting unity in our youth group, which tends to happen (i do it too, i'm not blaming anyone). also, it's pretty weird when someone you haven't talked to in a year starts talking to you again. but kinda neat. also, pretty sure Bruce has been on my mind like a mug lately. i dunno what it is. who knows. story of my life. so anyways, i'll leave you with a song, which i really think was written for me, by Billy Joel...and it goes a lil' summpin like-a dis... 

[slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile, but then if you're so smart, tell me, why are you still so afraid?...where's the fire? what's the hurry about? you better cool it off before you burn it out, you got so much to do and only so many hours in a day, hey...but you know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want, or you can just get old. you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through...slow down, you're doin fine. you can't be everything you wanna be before your time, although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight...too bad, but it's the life you lead, you're so ahead of yourself, that you forgot what you need. though you can see when you're wrong, you know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right...you got your passion, you got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied. dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true...why don't you realize, vienna waits for you. slow down you crazy child, take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. it's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two...why don't you realize, vienna waits for you.]

much love---Cari

so, do you ever have those days where you just wanna sit around and do nothing but eat warm food, drink hot chocolate, and listen to sappy love songs with a lot of piano and/or strings. pretty sure i'm listening to a song by The All-American Rejects...i think maybe i've turned into a complete fag. kidding. maybe i'll just got drink a chai latte and cut my self. hardy har. so. it's pretty cool how when, in the words of Mary Lauren, you just let God rock it, He definitely does. life's pretty good. as good as, say, finding a $10 bill on the ground. but not as good as having a boyfriend. i really would like one. i think maybe Valentine's softened my hardened psyche. w/e. i'm such a girl. but you see, i just struggle with the whole thing, not because i really really love someone, but mostly cause i feel like i'm just not attractive. no, i don't want a pity party. i'm serious. you know what i mean? i think all girls feel that because guys and other forces of nature make us feel that. not consciously, but they do. i'd just really like a boyfriend. but at the same time, (and maybe this is why i don't have one), i don't think the guys that i tend to like deserve me. i know, sounds cocky. but i don't mean it as bad as it sounds. so i find it funny how contradictory i am. i feel inadequate, and yet i'm too good?....w/e. i'm weird. so yeah. anyways, life is aight, son. the play went so freakin great. wow. but i think i might quit choir next year. i'm really tired of Ms. P. it's just gettin old. w/e. we shall see. much love and bunny nuggets to you all---Cari 

so like, yeah. dateless again on V-day. in all honesty, i'm not really that torn up. seeing how my friends' love-lives are going, i don't think i'm missing out on much. but it'd still be nice...and especially since i kinda like someone....sorta. i don't think i've ever completely liked a guy...well, except for one. but, yeah, that's over. so anyways. yeah, i'm surprised that spending months around this guy didn't make me hate him. and no, it's not Joey Meier. i've had like 8 ppl ask me if i like him. w/e. nayways. the play was aight. only like 40 ppl came last night, but the cast party was aight too. so yeah. it's all over. and i'm kinda sad, kinda relieved, but now i get to get all excited about FORMAL!!!!! woot! i can't wait. so nayways. yeah. life's pretty dang good. so, um. bye guys! RAAAAAAAAAAB! ---much love---cari

at least she can't control what i write on my phusebox. so. thursday night was opening night, and OMGOSH it was great! i wanna be an actress for the rest of my life. woot! all my friends showed up last night! and certain stalker showed up with Jared...as always. w/e. nayways, it was so wonderful. both shows have gone off w/o a hitch so far. 2 more left! so ya'll come see it, tomorrow @ 2:00 or Monday @ 7:00...so. big story of yesterday. we all get to write our own resumes for the play's program. so men Joey have this inside joke about a kid in out classes named Rob. rob kinda has a nasal voice. so Joey would always say "HI MY NAME IS RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB!...it's funnier if you can hear it. so in our resumes, i wrote "All Cari has to say about this play is RAAAB!" and Joey wrote, "Cari, this one's for you...RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB!"...so guess who shows up on openign night...Rob. so, even though he thought it was pretty dang funny, Mrs. Petrone said that it hurt his feelings, so yesterday during 5th and 6th period, she made us take a sharpie and mark it out in all the progreams. w/e. but it was worth it. nayways, after opening night, we all went to Steak n Shake , and pretty sure Neil showed up with his boyfriend. ha. so all in all, it has been pretty great so far. much love---Cari

so. i woke up this morning and couldn't move without my head exploding. so my mom let me stay home from skoo. which is great, cause i'mma need a break. this week just might kill me. practice from 6-9 every night, then the show starts on Thursday. ya'll come see it...yeah right. but it is fun. so i'm sittin hurr watchin home videos. i think i win the "cutest baby ever" award. i was pretty awesome. then i hit about 4th grade, and it just all went down hill from there. ha. nayways, gettin excited about formal. can't wait. and i also can't wait for this play to be over! woot! well, i gots ta go...much love to you all!--cari

so, after exactly one hour of shopping, pretty sure i found my dress. like, i'm not even settling. and i found it. it's black, and pretty simple, but ahhhh...it's super pretty. and i don't look like a cow!!! yay! too bad my costume for the play is so stinkin ugly...w/e. at least it's not as bad as Joey and Katie's Pierrot and Pierrette costumes...nayways, just wanted to rejoice! yay for formal! much love to you all! ---cari

p.s.- ya'll pray for Joe-Bob's recovery. i'm sure he'll be fine. thanks ya'll!

so last night was great. after i left the game. at the game, ugh...people make me sad. pretty sure i have no faith left in some of my classmates. i shouldn't be scared to go to a basketball game. good gracious. but, at least some of my friends were there. i ended up sitting with sarah, katie, and keisha (sp?), because i couldn't wedge myself in with the sophomores, plus i think they all hate me anyways. some random guy won homecoming. w/e. that guy, Craig Hutto, (shark attack victim) was there last night. he was awfully gorgeous. I think Keisha wanted to have his children. nayways, roundabout half-time, i left for Starbucks w/ Katie n Sarah...muchos fun. all i can say is that you haven't really lived until you've sipped a frappucino through 6 straws...'twas much fun. nayways, i think maybe i don't like the person i thought i liked. which is all for the better. i'm thinkin maybe i just won't ever date in high school...might do me good. oh well. the play so stinkin soon...ergh. it's gonna be fun though. i think i love my character...ok so now i'm rambling. much love to you all. ---cari

gosh. i luuuuurrrrrrve that song....dag yo. so today, me n matt were doin our dance, which we practiced at length yesterday, and when i went down to do the dip, i went down too far, and he dropped me...oy vey. mon dieu. zut alors! it was hilarious. he fell too. and we both just lay there laughing our butts off. 'twas great. today was pretty dang awesome. today we started watching Gatacca in bio, had a sub in algebra dos, but history kinda sucked. oh well. nayways, then i got to espanol and forgot to do an assignment, so i have to write like, 50 something sentences. arrgggh. but i guess i deserve it. oh well. then choir, well... you know how that went....english was aight i guess. man. dontcha hate it how guys seem to start paying attention to you right when you decide to stop liking them. grr. and certain people at my school are extra gorgeous lately. ahhhhhhhhh. nayways. not to be super negative, but the play looks awful. dang. but well, les jeunes filles, seront les jeunes filles? Ne'cest pas?...kidding....yet another one of my lines...actually it has nothing to do with what i just said. nayways. much love to you all. --cari 

so, as i'm sure you can tell, i'm in kind of a random sorta mood. currently watching the office...it's aight i guess...but i'm gonna watch ER while i exercise. (yes, i do exercise...but mostly just recently). tonight's play practice was awful...i think maybe just being in front of Neil make me nervous, and i don't know why. but i really can't dance. i'm too stiff, not graceful, and kinda retarded. and it doesn't help that i'm already kinda nervous. it makes me pretty insecure actually. plus, i didn't know one of my songs. but i do my lines, dang it. anyways. w/e. last night at church was pretty awesome. Chris talked quite frankly and unbiased-ly about homosexuality. i was really amazed at how well done it was. also, prayer time was pretty awesome. man, i can't wait for formal...i think maybe jared is more excited than i am. i just hope my dad doesn't get all "you don't need all that" which translates to "you don't need to spend so much money..."....w/e. i'm kinda sick as a mug, but not contagious-sick, so i can't miss school. not that i'd wanna. missing a day of algebra is like missing 2 years. nayways. i think maybe i kinda like someone. but i've told ya'll this. but, as i said, i really shouldn't like this person quite so much. and i really don't believe i like them as much as i think i do. i think it's just stimulus-response, and just old worn out feelings. but whatever. it'll all work out eventually i guess. i'd just really like a b-friend. but i guess either there's something wrong with me (and no i'm not looking for compliments) ...or there's something wrong with them. maybe i'm picky. who cares. at least i don't settle. oh well. i need to quit thinkin bout it. much love to you all. ---cari

school's out for snow!!!! yay rah! and today is my mom's b-day! WOOT WOOOT! i woke up and panicked cause it was 10 o'clock, and then realized that we were outta skoo! yay! no Oakland for a whole day! i dunno why, but play practice seemed way more fun than usual last night....who knows. anyways, yay for snow days....too bad though, today was malcolm X day for me n kaitlin...---Cari

i don't even know where my title came from. ya know, being a teenager is like being a big bowl of garbage. there's way too much going on in there, and no matter how you look at it, it's really gross. ha. kidding. on a more serious note...what is it with Fridays? ya'll keep the tilson family in your prayers..yes, prayers, not thoughts...so i went to the Riverdale game on friday night...it was pretty dang boring. oh well. at least no one got shot. saturday was the DBS Fashion Show...fun times. if can manage to stick with the whole weight loss thing, i might model next year. my mom also sang at the Bluebird Cafe in Green Hills last night...woot woot. tonight she's doin a concert at LBC. I went there for church this morning, and i'm pretty sure i loved it. but i still love BABC. i also went to Red Lobster for lunch. ha. that brought back some memories. and man, coconut shrimp is GOOOOOOOOOD. so yeah. anyways, i think maybe i like someone a lot. but that's not good, cause i'm pretty sure the feelin's not moochal ..(mutual)...w/e. life goes on. i loves you all. ---Curi

*disclaimer: the following statements are not intended for EVERYONE at Siegel...just the jerks...!

AHHHHHHHHH! WE SO TOTALLY WON! IN YA FACE! man....i can't believe how good it felt to whoop 'em. dag yo. i mean, that house was packed. figures that Siegel gave OHS a tiny student section, so a buncha people had to stand on the floor...and yes, some of us did act pretty gangsta, but for the most part i was rather proud of the class we sorta showed at the game. man. it was awesome. i also got to sit w/ Jared for most of the guy's game. he's so cool. yay for friends. i just still can't believe we won! that's right ya'll! we don't need to be perfect, we don't have to have gobs of money...WE'RE JUST THAT GOOD! much love to you all. (even you siegel folks)...Cari  

so. went to see King Kong last night with the family. saw Elizabeth, Kate, Kayla, Stuart, Kelsey, and some other folks there. pretty sure that movie was an amalgam of every awful nightmare i've ever had. being chased by a giant T-rex, being covered in man eating cockroaches/giant disgusting leech/maggot things....but the worst part was the freaking people on skull island. they were all tribal, and insane....and really freakin scary. like i've seriously seen people like that in my nightmares....ugh....you know a movie's good when you leave feeling physically exhausted....but seriously, it was pretty awesome. i thought it was gonna be stupid. but it was pretty good. but i didn't sleep to great last night.  so yeah. i can't believe break is almost over. it went way too fast. oh well. i'm such a loser. no new year's parties to go to tonight. w/e. but wed. nite church is coming back, so that's good. and, so i don't die of a heart attack, i'm gonna start exercising again, plus i'mma be South Beachin' it. dag yo. but not as a New Year's resolution...because those never work. so yay. well, i gots ta go Wal-Martin...btw, Dirty Dancing is on right now....what a movie. bye guys ---Cari

currently listening : "Silver Spring" ---Fleetwood Mac

so last night was the McFadden reunion lockin. it's 3:10, and i've only been awake since three. in the afternoon. i hate sleeping like that. but anyways, the lock-in itsself wasn't all that exciting, but the people i hung out with were pretty cool. i mostly stuck with Abby, Carly, Redford, Andy, Spencer,...which was interesting to say the least. karaoke was funny, until of course certain people decided to monopolize the mic and do white boy rap....oy. it was still funny though. we had some wonderful adventures with a big plastic black Santa Claus. i wish i knew how to post pictures, cause we got some great ones. dag yo. but i was kinda all PMS-y, so i'm sure i was kind of a weiner. certain people just grated my last nerve. but that's ok. it was fun to see everyone. Christmas was great. lots of fun with my family. my cousins were pretty normal this time. and we took some great pics out in my g-parents neighborhood. plus, i got lots of cool stuff. but of course, there were some pretty awesome worship experiences, especially considering the funk i had been in since Thanksgiving. word to your mother. i gotta go stop my sister and her friend from burning down the house. bye guys. Happy New Year! ---Cari

algebra is going to eat me. but otherwise i think i'm gonna be ok.

i have the best friends in the whole entire world (not to mention the coolest mom.). so i was sittin in school today, feelin like a loser cause i wasn't doin anything for my birthday. so my mom says that she wants to take me to Starbucks after school. i was like, yeah, i guess i can skip model UN today. so we drive up, and i'm like, wow, there's Kelsey's car...and i think i see stroop's car...hmmm...how weird...so i walk in the door completely unaware that all of my friends were there to throw me a surprise party! omgosh, it was great. let's see...there was: abby, jared, stephen, sarah walls, katie kimbell, stroop, kelsey shearron, matt goodman, joey meier, emily isabell, rachael meyer, nathan moore, milly, clint, chris, storey, my mom, sister and brother, and among all this, Rebecca St. James randomly shows up, and she was so nice! wow... how random. i definitely got cards and/or presents from everyone, and it was great. then after some of the other left, i went shopping with abby, jared, emily, and kelsey....too much fun. abby and jared went off and bought me a basket of my fave (Coconut Lime Verbena) stuff from Bath and Body...which jared remembered from 2 years ago....how sweet. and then, like everyone was tellin me happy b-day this morning. it was great. then church was omgosh awesome...wow. God is amazing. sounds cliche, but i can't even think of what to say about Him. gosh. wow. anyways. best birthday ever. much love to all of you.---Cari

p.s.--I'M SIXTAYN!