A few things...
Firstly, WOW, I can't say enough how much God is in control. His sovereignty is undeniable.


"A saint is never consciously a saint; a saint is consciously
dependent on God."

Secondly, Through tumult and confusion, He is a light. There's no need to be afraid. It doesn't matter how bad things are, He hasn't given us a spirit of fear. (II Timothy 1:7)

Good days make great memories.

Watch over your heart with all diligence For from it flow the springs of life. --Proverbs 4:23

Diligence - Earnest and persistent application to an undertaking; steady effort; assiduity

A sound heart is life to the body --Proverbs 14:30

The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. -- Psalm 34:18

A storm is coming. I can only speculate it's magnitude, but I can comfortably say it is going to flood. I can see the lightning in the distance. I can hear the roll of thunder. It's getting closer and gaining speed. A tidal wave of change is swiftly approaching.

Father, I'm ready to ride.

Things will never be perfect. I will wait for that in heaven. Until then, I will praise Him in everything. Whether it's five days ago, and I am confused to no end, or it's two hours ago and life is peachy keen. I will praise Him. I pray that I will never forget His suffering and the price He paid. James wrote a letter to me and said, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,  knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." Amen, brother.

Life is always changing. However, it seems like things are turning more than ever now. I'm not sure exactly how to explain so I won't try for now. I stuggle to find purpose and success in my life, but the answers may be peeking through the haze. I'm also seeing more and more why He has me single. There is a definate purpose in that. Praise God!

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Edit:
Even as I wrote this two hours ago, God was working. It's time to step up to the microphone. It's time to be stronger than ever. He has a plan and a purpose with everything. I'm excited to be a part of that!
Father, I'm ready to ride!

My heart hurts. I'm emotionally drained. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm sick. I can list the symptoms. I can list the things heavy on my heart.
The one thing I can't do is name the root of it all.

I don't like this. This is not me. Instability has rarely been in the list of my characteristics. I don't like people like this. Yet, I sit here choking, on the verge of tears, sleepless, and I can't say why.

I went to intercession tonight after the J-Group stuff. 1,000,001 things occupied my thoughts. I fought to find peace in it all and left it no better. What kind of "leader" has problems like these? People ask me what's wrong. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know! Is there something wrong in my heart? I search, but don't find answers.

Now, I'm sleepy. Mercy in the moring, Father... please.

Phusebox is probably about to be inundated with posts like this, but whatever. Here's $0.02:

Fall retreat was good. The speaker was amazing. I got the chance to talk to him quite a bit. His heart is awesome. God time was abundant, love that. The stars were magnificant.

 I love my friends. Sounds kinda sappy, but it's true. Here's the problem though, I don't know if they need me as much as I need them. I try not to be needy. I try to be a passive friend. I like to think they know they can come to me whenever they want or need. I don't think I'm at the top of anyone's list. That's not really a bad thing, but it sure would be nice to be needed sometimes.

I don't usually ask for prayer on here, but I desperately need it now. Firstly, a few of my friendships are tanking horribly. I'm totally helpless on this and absolutely don't know what to do. Secondly, a few friends of mine are going through trials. They hurt and I can't do anything about it. It makes my heart ache. Lastly, I know God has asked me to be single for now. Most of the time I am content with that, but sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of lonliness and miss the companionship, the deeper relationship that comes with sharing life with someone.
Thank you for praying for these things. Even if you just mention it once, I appreciate it greatly.

In about 13 hours we leave for fall retreat, it will be awesome. I'm trying to pack, but then I realize that I really need to do a load of laundry. The washer is not being very quiet right now. I really hope it doesn't wake my roommate up. Normally, I would just shut it off and wait til morning, but I really need to get this stuff done so I can finish packing.

I'm excited about the retreat. I've heard that I may get to sleep outside, which will be incredible with the stars shining through the crisp air. The speaker we have coming is amazing as well. Jason handed out a bunch of CD's that had two sermons from this guy. I listened to both of them twice. Amazing how God can use a message from a guy I don't know, recorded who know's when to hit me right in the chest. Yeah... I'm excited.

In other news, what should I do with my website (http://www.stuffedcouch.com)? It used to be a blog, but I've got this now (I quit blogging there originally to get away from a stalker). I use it for R&D, but nobody sees that except me :) Maybe I'll just mirror the RSS feed from here and make it look pretty. Yeah, that's prob what I'll. I might play around with Mafia. Who knows? I am getting into a little bit of 3D rendering stuff. Maybe that'll be my showcase.

I met with my J-Group tonight. It was great! Only two guys showed up, but I'm getting comfortable with my guys being sporadic.
Intercession was neat tonight. I got in there late and left early. God did what He wanted to do quickly and effectively. Turns out I got the chance to pray with a friend of mine who is going through a tough time. He is so faithful! I can't comment enough about how His timing is perfect. He shows just enough of His grand scheme at just the right moment, just when it's truly needed. He answers prayer in ways that I could not have imagined (talk about creativity).

A few people had some questions about Alpha Channel Maxed. My previous post was not directed at any one person, or any five people for that matter. Consider it a blanket. If anyone has questions about it, please call me. I would love to talk about it.

I know I posted a few hours ago. Sue me :)

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Last night (Saturday), after the costume party, I went to Steak and Shake with a few people. The coffee flowed freely (seriously... she didn't charge me), and I had a good time visiting with a few friends. After I got home at around 2:30am or so, I couldn't go to sleep. Part of it was the six cups of coffee, but part of it was that I had several things on my mind. Finally, when 4:30am rolled around and I was still wide awake, I decided to head over to the church (a whopping 300 yards from my house). The next couple of hours were great: praying, reading the Word, and playing the piano.

While I was talking to God, I mostly discussed the heavy stuff on my heart. That mainly had to do with relationships. I see my relationships heading in directions I don't like. That is to say, I see some of them are going south for no apparent reason, others are going too far in a direction I'm not comfortable with, and yet others are staying stagnant. Of the three categories, I'm most concerned with the former two.

I don't know why friendships fail. I have a feeling that it is mostly due to mis-/non-communication. The petty pitfalls could be avoided if people just talked. It is also very important to mention that truth is a key component in this discussion. Sometimes, difficult topics must be brought up. Whatever the case, there can't be any misunderstandings when all is said and done.

As for the relationships going too far in a direction, I'm not sure what is happening. Speaking the truth here helps too, but unfortunately I can only discuss my side of the truth. This partially has to do with what I wrote in Confusion Squared. I never found the answer as to what I'm doing to create confusion in people. All I can do now is tell you point-blank what my thoughts and intentions are.

I am in no position to be in a relationship consisting of anything more than friendship.
I have far too much growth that needs to happen, I have far too much to learn before I will ever be ready for a serious relationship. If I have misled you into believing that I was interested in anything more than friendship, I apologize. I assure you that it was unintentional. I thought that I had made this point  almost-clear from the beginning, but this may come as a surprise to some. If you are hurt by what I'm saying, again, I apologize.

I hope this doesn't damage relationships. I love my friends and appreciate the bonds I have with those friends. The last thing I want to do is sever those links. I would greatly love to continue on in friendship and enjoy all the benefits that come along with that.

If you would like to talk to me, yell at me, question me, whatever, you probably know my cell.

Maybe this will start things going in the right direction.

A friend of mine told me something tonight that I haven't heard in a while, but probably needed to hear. I over-analyze. I see a situation or a problem and immediately start thinking about the possibilities for change. My mind wanders/wonders. Hmm....

After reconsidering my thought about reading minds, I decided that it would definately be a plus. I would much rather read minds, not like what I see, and know it's truth than not read a mind and live in a lie. Not that this has any importance whatsoever. It'll never happen. I don't care what Mel Gibson says.

Catfish is good. I actually got full! That doesn't happen often. Justin invited me to a bonfire at his mom's house out in the boonies.

The weather was cool. Sitting around a fire on bales of straw, I roasted marshmallows. A little later on, Canaan played the guitar and sang. It's amazing how therapuatic simple things can be. The raw energy of the fire, no contact to the outside world with cell service and street lights, friends bonding, not a worry in the world. That environment is very conducive to reflection. The struggles of life seem to become so clear when all you do is watch the sparks fly into the air. The Voice that is stifled by the constant noise of life rings in my ears saying, "There's no need to worry. Just as I guide the dancing flames, I can guide you. Let Me. You have desires; You have pain; You have questions. I am the answer. Just like with roasting the perfect marshmallow, patience is the key. This fire may warm you on the outside, but My love can warm you on the inside. All you have to do is let Me."

     It seems I'm a bit confusing. I send out strange signals and wierd vibes. People catch onto these things and get confused. I never knew that I had this effect on people, but several of them have brought it to my attention. By "several", I mean seven. Seven people have directly told me these things. If seven people had the intestinal fortitude to approach me about this, how many more are sitting back, just watching and wondering?
     At first, I doubted. Surely, their reception was skewed. Surely, I would know if I was sending out rogue signals. But more people shared their thoughts. Now I wonder. Seven people, all sharing similar perceptions, can't all be wrong. How am I doing this? I'm sincerely looking for answers here.
     No matter what the context, my last wish is for someone, much less seven people, to mistake my intentions or the direction I pursue. I desire transparency. If anyone should examine my actions and speech, they should be able to know what I'm about.

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

On to a lighter subject...
Boy I wish I had a digital camera. I would love to show you a picture
of linux booting on teh pod (my ipod). I have way more functionality
and customizability (I made up this word). Of course, I can't play my
iTunes downloads cause of all the DRM control, so I dual boot between linux
and the apple OS.


On to more important stuff...
Tonight (Friday night) is the Belle Aire Men's Conference. Free catfish
dinner, Brother Dean and Vance Pittman speaking, music by Nathan and
the gang... it's going to be awesome. All the college guys are invited.
Bring a friend. Totally free. Everything starts at 7:00pm in the AO
space.

This is in response to Jeff Martin's post titled "Awaken":

I pray that I would never become complacent. Having been raised in the faith, I don't want to become apathetic like so many I see. I want to be made uncomfortable. I want to be the person Paul is talking to when he said, "Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling..." I realize this could be dangerous for my life (in more ways than just a beating heart). All the more reason to pursue it. This is why Paul said "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain". In life, I can serve Him; I can see "fruit from my labor". If I die, I am with the Father; I've accomplished my end goal.

I just got back from the Nickel Creek concert. It was astounding! I've seen lots of mandolin players and listened to a lot of mandolin picking, but Chris Thile blows them all away! The whole set was great. They even did "Doubting Thomas" (one of my favorite Nickel Creek songs) because of a request.
As much as I liked the concert, it was a bit awkward. I've never been to a concert by myself. I've always been with at least ten friends (not exaggerating). A couple of my friends were there, but sat in a different spot because of the assigned seating on the tickets. It was just wierd to sit in the middle of a concert by myself. It's kinda like eating by yourself in a restaraunt... times ten.
Call it insecurity; call it vulnerability; call it whatever you want, but in retrospect, I should've gotten someone (read: anyone) to go with me.
Didn't even have to be a date. It could've been a friend coming to enjoy the concert with me.

Maybe next time.

Over the past few weeks, I started thinking that maybe I was ready to open myself to a different "relationship status". Not that I have anyone in mind, but just that I could start watching.
However, I keep thinking and praying. I don't think it's time. He is still working on me. I have a long way to go.
There's so much I'm still learning. Part of this is due to some conversations with a few good friends, part due to several things I've read in Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and part due to stuff I've been reading in the New Testament, specifically Colossians and Phillipians.
I don't want to mess this up. Thankfully, He is faithful to give wisdom and guidance when we ask so long as we are patient and willing to open ourselves to His timing and will.

So what's everyone doing for fall break?

Today's post will be purely for enjoyment.

In the past twenty-four hoursish, I have...
Consolidated my music library... finally.
Backed up my important files to DVD... finally.
Downloaded the FC4 x86_64 and i386 DVD isos... finally.
Possibly found a viable solution for using iTunes on *nix... finally.

The reason:
For about the last seven months, I have been out of my element. I've been stuck in the forever crappy Microsoft world. This is due partially to my increased use of iTunes (love it!). However, the main reason is that since I upgraded to my nice 64 bit Athlon, I haven't taken the time to install the 64 bit kernel for linux. I will probably have to dual boot between the 32 and 64 bit until 64 gets to be a little more stable/usable. With all the moving/working/school, I haven't had the time to devote to getting back to my true home, Linux! I run most efficiently in my native environment (Linux core, Enlightenment window manager, sourceforge galore). I have been lacking this in my life for too long. It's time to plunge... again. It's time to reformat. Goodbye cruel world! Hopefully, my next post will be from my new old OS.

My heart is heavy.

Well, it almost feels like home. Today, I moved for the fifth time in eight months. I've unpacked several boxes and put my new office chair together (fun), tonight I won't sleep very well. It always happens when I'm in a new place, but given the experiences of the last four nights, maybe that's not such a bad thing.