so it's less than 24 hours till i am no longer a teenager.... thats right... its almost my 20th birthday... most people would be ecstatic right.. me... i'm terrified...

looking back on the last 20 years of my life all i can see is millions of mistakes and regrets... and stupid actions that i can't change.  i know everyone out there will just say well their in the past.. just learn from them and move on... but see thats my problem right now.. moving on...

over the past 7 years i have been holding on to the one thing that i have been unable to move on from than anything else in my life... my mom..

i know it's selfish of me and really immature but shit she hurt me...and it's taking forever and slowly it's working but this one is just a little hard to forgive and forget...

i feel like on the outside i'm one person and in the inside i'm this scared little child that's holding on for dear life praying that she won't have to grow up and face all the challenges and regrets from the past that have put her where she is now in the present...

there are so many things i look forward to over the next 20 years (other than getting old of course)... i'm just so scared that my past will never let me go so i can move on with my future that i have had planned for so long.  

i know over this year being by myself i really have grown... granted i have made some more mistakes.. but i'm at least owning up to them faster than before...

it's just really scary... being a grown-up... i never thought there would be a time when i would be scared to get older.. at least i didn't think it would come this fast....

i know that i've still got some time to grow up.. i mean i'm still in school so i'm really not out there in the real world yet.. but i feel like with this up coming birthday new things are going to be expected of me... i'm going to have to leave my childish ways behind me.. and really that scares the crap out of me...

i know this is sounding really stupid and childish.. but it's late and i needed a place to let me thoughts soar...

i'm sure i will have a great birthday and not much will really change... 

heres to another year.. filled with choices.. consequences.. regrets.. joys... and forgiveness... 

so yes.. it has been a few months since i have actually wrote anything on here... and much has changed...

well since the last time i put anything on here it was November i'll just start with December...

Exams sucked as they usually do...

Christmas was alright i guess.. i only went home for about 3 days.. and then i went to North Carolina to be with my dads family.. it was definitely hard cause it was the first holiday without my uncle.  but it was really good to have the whole family there.  i didn't really get anything major for Christmas...but i didn't ask for anything so i'm not disappointed at all...

after christmas i came back to Knoxville to work.. it was great being here.. i love my job and love Knoxville...
New Years was a ton of fun.. i  hung out with tons of my friends and a few from home came up here to celebrate with me so that was awesome!!!

since my last semester at UT wasn't going great i decided it would be best to take a break from there so i'm going to a local college up here in Knoxville for the semester to get back on track and figure out what i really want to do.. so far it is going really well and it seems to be a great decision...

things are actually going really well for me right now... my life seems to be getting back on track.. i have great relationships with my friends.. there is very little drama in my life.. school is going pretty good.. my job rocks and even better i met a guy that is really cool and really good for me... so hopefully it will work out.. i'm just going to see where it goes from here but whatever happens happens... i'm pretty satisfied right now so yeah...

one thing that was really cool was this past month me and my friend rachel went to see this band play... and then hung out with them the next night.. they are TOTALLY awesome!!!! they are from Nashville (my home town!!!) they are The Running... they have a myspace so i know their music is there and i think its on itunes as well.. but its really awesome stuff and they are totally cool too so thats awesome.. i also met the band that played after them too.. they are also from Nashville.. Inglewood is their name... they are hilarious and have great music as well....and they have a myspace as well...

but anywho... thats pretty much everything that has been going on with me... oh my brother decided on a college to go to next year... looks like he'll be following my sister to Auburn University... which is cool.. i know he'll be happy there....

well till next time,

<Emily>

oh another cool artist: Kate Voegele...

best song so far-- Kindly Unspoken... awesome lyrics!!!!!

peace and love!

<3

so it's been a while since i have posted anything on here... i still check it every day but i dunno.. i just haven't been in the mood to write anything....

well its almost thanksgiving break... i'm going home tomorrow and it will be the first time driving home since i went home for the funeral.  it will be good to see my family though. its been a long time and this had been a really hard few months and it will be nice to be around everyone. 

so its thanksgiving at my house this year... which will be awesome... minus the chaos... my mom always goes crazy... and well thats never fun... but my grandparents and my aunt and uncle and cousins from chicago are coming so im really excited! plus my sister is coming up for thanksgiving as well... it will be good seeing her...

but yeah in other news... school sucks balls!!!!

i'm so ready for it to be over... like for good!!!

oh well... it will come eventually....

well.... i dont really know what else to talk about... things are pretty good.. all i do is work and go to class... and sometimes have so fun as well..hahaha

till next time...

<em>

Happy Thanksgiving!!!  (almost) 

 so i've come to the conclusion that no one actually reads this.. and im ok with that... cause its pretty much just my place to rant/talk about my day...

well tonight has been a true blast.. i've been hanging out with my friend todd from work... who is an absolute BLAST! its been intense... in a good way of course!!!

but yeah.. life seems to be going pretty good.. well except for school of course....

i've been worrying about my dad a lot recently... he keeps calling me randomly out of the blue just to talk... and it just really worries me... i mean ever since his brother died.. i have just been worrying about him.. cause he just seems.. well different... i dunno what to think about it.... i mean i know he's "ok" but really i dunno it just scares me.. i hope he really is ok.. and that hes just not putting up a front or anything.. i really just wish i could see him.. cause if anything ever happened to him i honestly dont know what i would do... i would be completely devistated...

i dunno..

im going to bed now cause well its almost 3 and i have to be at work at 10 and i CANT be late... hahaha

so its bed time!

have a great night to anyone that reads this!

<em> 

if things werent complicated in my life enough....

my friend Gin called me... which if you have read this at all or knew anything about me... she is the one that was supposed to move up to K-ville with me and live in an apartment but then didnt.... so yeah i havent talked to her since july.... and i was feeling extra crappy this week so i sent her an e-mail not expecting a response... but she called me... i talked to her for a few minutes but i was extremely busy so i had to end the convo early but i told her i would call her back.. and i havent yet cause i've still been super busy....

but yeah that was pretty crazy....

today is going to be an actually calmer day compared to the rest of my week... i dont have a test or quiz but i do have to go to work in like 30 min. so that'll be fun..haha

well i think thats it for now....

till next time,

emily 

mmk... so this situation NEVER happens to me....

i seriously feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place... and whats killing me even more is that its still all uncertain... thats one thing i hate more than anything.. uncertainty...

 i hate feeling like im leading someone on... like really thats the worst feeling in the world... but i just dont know what to do... 

i dont think i can choose at this point...

this is going to take some intense thinking... and hope when all i have is doubt....

to the nights of uneasy thinking...

and the days of worry hearts...

<emily> 

so this has been one of the best weeks of my life....

i mean its kinda wierd to think about... but somewhere in the back of my head i feel like god shows me signs everyday of what he wants out of me and its usually through the people that i randomly meet...

for example... i just became a member of the campus entertainment board... and i met this amazing person... and not in the OMG HES SO HOTT amazing.. like this person is seriously a genuinly amazing person... he has so much depth... and in the 2 or 3 times we have hung out he knows more about me then some of my "friends" especially some of the other guys in my life... and in these few times we have been together he has taught me sooooo much about myself and others... its truly amazing.... plus no one has ever made me laugh as much as he has....

in all seriousness i have never been so excited about spending time with someone only because i feel like i learn so much about myself and others just from being with this person...

i dunno... its so crazy... especially after the past few weeks to now have him in my life... its just such a blessing...

i'll be the last person to talk to you about religion... especially cause im not really sure what i believe these days.. i mean dont get me wrong i believe in god... its just the specifics of everything that still doesnt settle with me... 

i dont even know where i was going with this post... i just sometimes feel like rambling on about my feelings and emotions cause hell im a girl and its just what i do... hahaha

well thats about it i think.... im just having a super week... minus the fact that i have 3 tests next week that i havent exactly started studying for.. OOPS!

but one of my best friends is coming in town today... AND IM SOOO EXCITED!!!! shes so kick ass.. i love her!!!

well thats really it....

till next time...

breathe in breathe out

tell me all of your doubt

everybody bleeds this way,

just the same

breathe in breathe out

move on and break down

if everyone goes away

i will stay 

we push and pull

and i fall down sometiems

and im not letting go

you hold the other line 

cause there is a light

in your eyes...

hold on hold tight

from out of your sight

and everything keeps moving on

hold on hold tight

make it through another night

everyday there comes a song with the dawn 

we push and pull

and i fall down sometimes

and im not letting go

you hold the other line

cause there is a light in your eyes

breathe in and breathe out 

look left look right

to the moon and the night

everything under the stars is in your arms 

cause there is a light in your eyes... in your eyes 

to everyday happiness....

{emily} 

 so small change in plans...

im no longer going to indiana this weekend.. but hopefully it will still be a good weekend...

anywho.... just a small update...

later!

-emily- 

 so this weekend was pretty interesting... lets start with thursday...

i had my first CEB event... it went really well.. i met some great people... and had a lot of fun.. it was just really long... but it was still fun

friday i got to spend some time with some really great people... i had girls night with some of my best girls and then had an amazing rest of the night! ;)

saturdays game was pretty cool.. sara and i had terrible seats so we went and sat with kevin, who came up with his grad student friends from memphis. i also got to meet up with a bunch of his friends and hang out with them that night.. it was lots of fun... but i kinda felt like the youngster for a bit..hahahaha

 -oh and i came out of saturday with a battle scar... hahaha im so intense!!!-

well sunday was nice and chill... i just slept in and chilled and did a little homework... had some interesting calls that day from a friend who i forgot i texted sat. night... it was so sweet he was calling to make sure i made it home ok... he's so sweet! hahaha 

 but now its monday night.. and yeah classes weren't too bad today but i have a ton of work to do before tomorrow.. and really i just dont want to do it... bah!!!

but yeah... i'm excited cause i have a job!!!! i start thursday!!! yay!!! and i got an email from my boss from this summer and we have a bonus check coming in the mail!! sweet!!!!

and yeah im going to indiana this weekend with sara... its gonna be a blasty blast!!

well i think thats about all thats going on... im sure this is the most retarded post ever.. but oh well... its late... and sometimes im retarded so there....

till next time!

-emily- 

as promised... pictures of my new hair cut...

so... school sucks... i hate being gone for a while and then coming back to school and having to do tons of school work... it pretty much sucks balls...

right now im in the library supposed to be doing my italian tema... but obviously thats not working out too hot.... oh well i still have like and hour before i need to be done with it...

so i basically cant wait for the next few months to be over... and i have a feeling its going to fly by... but im also not so thrilled about christmas break.. maybe its cause i have to get my third and final round of shots... or maybe its cause i have to get my wisdom teeth yanked out of my mouth... or maybe its just cause i will be at home... who knows... its going to be interesting thats for sure.

i realized when i was in the airport waiting for hours for my flight with a dead cell phone and ipod that i really want to go on a vacation somewhere... i dont think it even matters at this point where i go... i just really want to go somewhere... i just love traveling... 

anywho.. enough procrastination...

later yal!

-em-

oh i got my hair cut...not really sure if i like it yet... oh well.. maybe i'll have pics up here sometime...  

so i am officially in north carolina in a hotel... where tomorrow i will see my uncle for the first time in a little less than a year... but unfortunately he will be in a casket... its hard death... its especially hard to watch people such as the men in this family on the edge of tears every moment.. its hard to be the tough one... im not used to it.. but being the only person out of my immediate family here other than my dad i know i need to be there for him...

tomorrow is going to be rough.. its going to be long and hard and well there are going to be a lot of tears...

but its ok cause i know this family... i know we can get through this... if anyone actually reads this... just please if you get a chance tomorrow in the hustle and bustle of your day... pray peace on my family...

it will be hard... but we have one thing that still remains and thats family... and this bond will never die.

peace and love,

emily

so i'm back home in brentwood for the weekend... it's pretty good i guess... i get to see some people i never see... and i get to see my family.. its just a sucky situation for why i am here....

my dad called me today when i was on my way from knoxville to brentwood... and informed me that he was going to north carolina tonight... my first reaction was "WHAT... WHATS GOING ON???"

as soon as he realized that he hadnt talked to me in a few days he let me in on the cituation... my uncle isnt getting any better... they decided they are going to take him off life support... all they are waiting on is my dad to get there...

its just a really sucky situation... i'm not going to get the chance to say goodbye... which i hate...

i mean he is so young.. at least for being someone that is dying... and what sucks even more is that he wont see his baby girl graduate from high school.. or walk either one of his daughters down the eisle on their wedding days...

i just couldnt imagine loosing my father.. so i understand the hurt they must be going through...

i just ask that you keep me and my family... and my uncle in your thoughts and prayers over this weekend.. its not going to be easy.. but my family is strong and we will get through this... together.

if i rise on wings of a dawn

if i settle on the far side of the sea

even there your hand will guide me

your right hand will hold me fast... 

as i realized last night after nearly breaking down on the phone with my dad.... i have no true focus in my life...

granted i have a major... but i don't even know if thats what im really want to do.. or what i'm actually going to do with that major....

ever since my old instructor came to me asking me to be apart of his new guard i have been doubting all my decisions over the past two years... 

when things went south with our guard my senior year and all this drama happened all i wanted was to get away from it... so it made my decision to come to ut a lot easier... but now i cant stop thinking about my life as a performer... i cant believe i gave up all my talent and passion... it kills me

more and more i have thought about transferring to mtsu....being in guard there and then matt's guard in nashville in the winter... but then i also think what am i going to do in 3-4 years... guard??? continue on with my major???? or something new...and if so what???

there is just so much in my head that i want to figure out and since i recently found out about my uncles condition it just made me think about how i should really be doing what i love and what makes me and what drives me to success....

now dont take words out of my mouth... i have made no decisions... this is just me blurting things out and trying to gain some sense of reason...

this weekend when i go home i'm going to have a lot of time to think and sort out all my problems and worries...

i just wish there was some clear sign as to what i should do.... i hate not knowing... and not being sure of what to do....

well time for reality...

till next time...

em 

how can this happen....

 why does this happen...

i just got off the phone with my dad... and my uncle's cancer is back but it has spread to his liver and lungs... he is still in the ICU and probably wont leave....

my dad said with the cancer he could live 3-6 months... but he has been having some complications with his blood pressure and heart rate and breathing so you just don't know what could happen...

it just sucks... hes such a great person with such a huge heart... i cant imagine our family without him....

i never imagined this year being easy... but i never imagined it sucking this much....

whats left of me....

 emily

i cant believe that today is september 11th....

i'm not going to lie... i wish that whole year hadn't happened... it was quite possible the worst year of my life...

its so weird when you think about the past... i can remember so vividly the exact place i was when i found out what had happened.. it was so unbelievable.. at first i was like this has got to be a joke....and while we were watching it on the news our faculty freaked out about us watching it and made us turn it off... lame!

i remember slightly freaking out cause my dad was traveling that day.. but i talked to him and he was fine...

i remember everything changing from that moment on... not just in the security of our government but it seemed like everyone changed a little bit after that...

my family sure changed a bunch... especially after december....

its weird to think about what the world would be like if it had never happened... what my life would be like if it had never happened....

how would it be different????

i guess its not important to think about things like that since its not real life anyways...

well thats enough of my ramble for now...

back to the real world of studying for class....

till next time,

no excuses..

no appologies... 

no regrets....

peace, emily 

my family is falling apart...

today my mom called me at 5pm almost in tears... my uncle was checked into the ICU today, he seems to be doing better at the current moment but his lungs are full of fluid and they arent working properly so his brain and heart arent getting the amount of oxygen that they need....

to make it worse my dad left to go to canada today for work... i talked to him a few hours ago and hes optimistic... but i could kinda tell that it was just a front... its hard to see someone that close to you hurting, and then not being able to be there with them...

my grandparents (his parents) are with him and my other uncle are there and of course his kids and wife... so he has tons of ppl with him... but my dad said that it also has been freaking him out...

i can kinda understand.. i mean you get put into the icu and next thing you know your brother from chicago has jumped on a plane and in hours is in the hospital room with you... it kinda freaks you out thinking things could be worse.. 

i know my uncle just wanted to be supportive... so its not bad... its just the last thing we need is him to give up....

i just hope and pray that he will make it through this again...

i wish sometimes that i didnt have school so i could just be there... i hate not knowing... but there really isnt anything i can do...

till next time...

"I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven"

peace and love and fast healing.... 

lets see.... we are on like the 3rd week of classes... and so far its not too bad which is awesome...

i've gone out a little but not that much... i just have a lot of other stuff that i have to deal with and it just hasnt become a priority anymore...

i recently found out that my uncles cancer might be back again which is stressing out my dad...which is never fun...

i think im going home next weekend cause we dont have a home game... and my dad wont be there so that means i have a whole weekend with just me and my mom... and thats always tons of fun... :/

its kinda weird how much things can change in such a sort amount of time... like the person that was my best friend for the past 5 years i dont even talk to anymore... its so weird... how everything can change that fast...over something so dumb... i wish things could be fixed but at this point its not even worth it anymore...

so the one thing i miss more than anything is performing... that wass my life in high school.. its how i let out stress, my emotions of the day and everything else that was going on in my head.... every since its been over i feel like im just not the same person... that something is missing inside of me...

i've been thinking about it more and more recently since my old instructor contacted me asking if i was interested in being in his new guard... i would love that more than anything... but its going to be based out of nashville which is 3 hours away... and i would have to be there every weekend... and i dont even have a car...

i've also been thinking more and more about how my life would be so different if i had decided to go to mtsu instead of ut... i would be in the guard there and i would definitely be in the guard with my instructor matt... i just keep thinking if i would be happier doing that...

dont get me wrong i love ut... but its just so different.. i feel like i have changed so much since i have been here.. not necessarily in a bad way.. its just different then who i was.. and for a long time thats what i wanted... but now im just not sure anymore...

i dunno i wish my dad was going to be home next weekend so i could talk to him about it face to face... but i guess this is just another thing i will have to figure out on my own...

well i think thats about all the thoughts i have for now...

time to go to laundry and take a shower....

" And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small"

peace...emily 

so i'm moving on.. i mean there is nothing i can do to fix it.. at least nothing that would help me.. it was a choice that was made and i'm just going to deal with the outcome and move on from it...we had some great times but this is really becoming too much and i'm sick of picking up the pieces... so i'm just going to move on with my life...i just really can't wait to go back to knoxville now....

till next time...

so i dont think i have ever been so hurt by someone so close to me... who knows i might just be blowing this was up but i'm just so hurt right now and extremely stressed....

the main thing is... i want to know what happened to my best friend.... things were fine 2 weeks ago and now its up in flames....

why do people doubt each other....

is it just in our nature as humans to doubt, to question...

or is it just because of a persons actions and habits that make us question or doubt their intentions...or being....

or do doubts and questions arouse just because of others doubts of the person... 

-do we doubt each other only because others have doubted them as well????

Well I'm moving kind of slow
Down that same old path
Wasting time inside this hour glass
She's coming up ahead now
And I feel, yes I feel
My head turning like a race car wheel
Maybe I'll try to say hi another time
I've gotta find a way to get inside your mind
I'll talk smoothe and walk one step closer
Be real cool, dang real cool

say what you want, say what you mean
question yourself, are you really what you seem?
say what you want, say what you mean
question yourself, are you really what you dream?

now here I come one more time
but she slides on by
not even a second look
she took the bait right off that hook
I've got my blinders on tight
I pull my cap a little lower
I can't hide away

you might think that this is easy for me
but there's a lot of things you don't know
you don't care, you don't want to see
long while since I've got myself across
but maybe there's a reason for that
even if I caught you I'd throw you back.

hey... hey...

I really don't want to fall back
because you don't seem like you care
and if I would fall back
you don't seem like you care
and if I would fall back
you don't seem like you care

fall down your back, fall down your back
fall down your back, fall down your back

I will not, I will not hold, hold you back
you don't seem like you care

Fall back... you don't
Fall back... you don't
Fall back... you don't