as i realized last night after nearly breaking down on the phone with my dad.... i have no true focus in my life...

granted i have a major... but i don't even know if thats what im really want to do.. or what i'm actually going to do with that major....

ever since my old instructor came to me asking me to be apart of his new guard i have been doubting all my decisions over the past two years... 

when things went south with our guard my senior year and all this drama happened all i wanted was to get away from it... so it made my decision to come to ut a lot easier... but now i cant stop thinking about my life as a performer... i cant believe i gave up all my talent and passion... it kills me

more and more i have thought about transferring to mtsu....being in guard there and then matt's guard in nashville in the winter... but then i also think what am i going to do in 3-4 years... guard??? continue on with my major???? or something new...and if so what???

there is just so much in my head that i want to figure out and since i recently found out about my uncles condition it just made me think about how i should really be doing what i love and what makes me and what drives me to success....

now dont take words out of my mouth... i have made no decisions... this is just me blurting things out and trying to gain some sense of reason...

this weekend when i go home i'm going to have a lot of time to think and sort out all my problems and worries...

i just wish there was some clear sign as to what i should do.... i hate not knowing... and not being sure of what to do....

well time for reality...

till next time...

em