so. it's just kinda been one of those days. i think restaraunt raid will be fun tonight. that is if people actually show up. but yeah. pretty sure i'm at "gifted" camp this week. (camp for smart/ sorta smart kids.) and i don't mean that in a cocky way. so anyways, it all boils down to a bunch of kids who are "anarchists" sitting in a classroom at MTSU and discussing life and Bob Dylan. which isn't so bad. i've made a few new friends. but some of the kids are just so...bleh. i had to listen to a woman talk about "invasive wildlife and vegetation in TN" today for about and hour + 1/2. but then we listened to Peter, Paul, and Mary songs and talked about how much we (they) all hate America and our bourgeois president. apparently George Bush eats babies for breakfast and then goes out to destroy the rainforests after sending thousands of soldiers to their deaths. it's funny how twisted their minds are. nayways, i find it rather entertaining how liberal all of our professors are. one of mine was a draft dodger for Vietnam. ha! what a patriot. i think they should all just move to Canada and shut up. but then again, without controversy, life would be rather boring. so. we're having a coffee house at the end of the week. i'm not wearing shoes, so i guess that makes me bohemian enough. maybe i should quote lines from Moulin Rouge to make me a complete poser. freedom, beauty, truth and love, baby. also, when i told my professors that my Aunt Kara is touring with Bob Dylan, they almost keeled over. quite funny. so anyways, thanks to all you guys who left me the encouraging comments. i love you guys. gotta go now. seizure on the flip side. but one final word...i'm a bad boy, with a lotta hoes. Drive my own cars and wear my own clothes...i got the roly on my arm and i'm pourin Sean Don and i roll the best weed cause i got it going on. ha. i'm so gay.

so. life is filled with crappy emotions. i am such a girl. i am simultaneously attracted to 2 people. it's funny how some people just get to you. like, people can (and do) criticize me all the time, and it doesn't get to me, but this one person says a single thing to me, and it just kills me. gah. i can't stand this person, and yet somehow i am attracted to them. also, people that lead me on. gosh. can't stand it. but i still find myself attracted to them. i hate my brain. i swear, if i ever get married, it will be to an older guy, because guys my age suck. but god i miss Bruce. for so many reasons. and i am so gosh darn tired of being made to feel stupid or like i am crazy or like i am unhealthily dwelling on the death of my BEST FRIEND. so many people use that term lightly, but i mean it. he was my best friend. and it seems like most everyone else that wasn't close to him has just moved right along. i don't expect everyone to dwell on it. but i'm getting really sick of the fact that everytime i mention Bruce, people either roll their eyes and tell me "Cari, that was a year ago." or tell me that they think it's time i "let bruce go" or bluntly "get over it." i will not get over it, damnit! i loved him, and i think i'm entitled to mention him once in a while. it's only been a year. and not even that. it's been less than 11 months. god. but at least i have plently of people in my life that understand, are not condescending, and do not treat me like crap. i love you guys. well, i'll be ok by tomorrow, but what i said in this entry still stands. goodnight.---Cari

so. 4th of July was peachy. i got hit in the eye with a piece of firework shrapnel. i thought i was blind. it hurt like a mofo. but i had a grrrrreat time. laura's leaving on Saturday for M-Fuge...have fun laura! been driving a lot. fun times. my dad thinks i have an "attitude" when i drive. i just don't respond well to barking. ha. kidding. nayways. my little brother got his stitches out this morning. yay for him. i really want to go to school. i'm bored. but life goes on. i'm excited/nervous as a mug about Rush Week. can't wait. i need to talk to Kaitlin. i feel like i haven't seen her in eons. i miss my Oakland homies. oh, so on my permit test, i managed to only miss 2 this time. yay. fun. so i went to Wal-Mart again yesterday (i know...i live there). yesterday there were at least 2.3 billion people there. and all of them were angry. a little old lady gave me a sample of some weird sausage with what i thought was "cheese" in it. but alas..it was not. so riddle me this. Why on earth would you strap 3 carts together, fill all of them, and then block the aisle completely? inconsiderate? yes. maddening? yes. you would've had to be there. i think i might be a bit of a road-rager. i had to supress the urge to flip about 13 people off yesterday whilst driving. people in murfreesboro are retarded. but then again, i do live between Nashville, Woodbury, Lavergne, and Smyrna. what do i expect?

I GOT MY PERMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so. i am officially retarded. last thursday, i went to the DMV (where you get your permit/license). i was all excited because i was gonna finally get my permit. so i sat down for about an hour and waited amongst the original Hairy Beast from the East, about 45 mexicans, the scariest looking man ever, and the cutest baby ever. so i went back there to take the test, (right next to a wigger in a giant south pole shirt) and i failed it. i got through 21 questions, but it cut me off because i missed 7. they engineer that test to where any Woodbury inbred could ace it, but nooooo...not me. wow. i feel so dumb. but i am actually studying now, and i'm going back on thursday to re-take it. and i will pass it this time. but aside from that....it's funny how God throws people back into my life. and it's also funny how randomly i develop feelings for people. i am such a fickle human being. like, i like this person, but i can't help feeling like it's only for stupid reasons. i don't think i would like this person if i just randomly walked up to them on the street. so i'm just really mixed up right now. also...yesterday, i went to the library. i decided to go across the street and get a Jones soda. but on the way, i just stopped right in front of the courthouse, and it was like i was in a weird movie. There was absolutely NOBODY on the streets, nobody on the sidewalks, and it was all darkish and breezy, and the clock was striking 5. and then this creepy looking man walks out from around the courthouse, looks at me, and keeps walking. freaky. but i guess you would have had to have been there to get the full effect. well. tonight i go to bruce's house. oh joy. what an emotional roller coaster. well, tata and cheerio for now.

p.s.---thanks for all the supportive comments...i love you guys.

have you ever ripped a band-aid off a wound when it's not ready to come off yet? and it just hurts and bleeds, almost worse than when you got injured? that's how i feel right now. so many emotions right now. but most i feel like crap. i was having an okay day. but man. I MISS BRUCE. gah. and i was such a butthead to him. it really is true that you don't know what you've got til it's gone. i was just starting to come to terms with the fact that he's dead. and i just ripped that protective band-aid right off. i was reading his journal and gosh. he was so amazing. and i was such a jerk to him. he was my best friend, and my rock, and i scolded him for the dumbest things. he wrote this on april 20th, 04. "...out of all my closest friends, i always thought Cari was the one who would never give up on me. I always thought she would be the one to understand. The one to see me through thick and thin. I never would have thought, but i guess i was wrong. She told me I was melodramatic and she was tired of it. I am melodramatic and i am a freaking emotional warhead about to blow. But no matter how bad i got, i always thought she would be there and never get tired of my stupid senseless crap. But like more times than not, i was wrong. Out of all my disappointments I have to say that this one is the worst.".....GOD!....i am just sitting here crying because that breaks my heart. i was such a bad friend to him, and this really makes me realize that i need to buck up and get over myself. i love you all so much, and i wouldn't trade anything for you. i take so much for granted...

i love it when God destroys my plans for my life. so. i couldn't sleep. so i thought i'd log onto the internet. funny how God can even use insomnia for his will. i am going to be a missionary. there's no turning back now. even if i wanted to back out i couldn't. my life lies in somalia. or so i think. j/k. but i was on the "joshua project" website, and i just happened to run across the Digil-Rahawiin people of somalia, a completely unreached group of people. heard about them at Big Stuf. i felt so called. so then i started looking around the site some more...and through an accident with my mouse, "stumbled" across the Zhaba people of China. do you ever get those weird gut feelings about things? or that fluttery thing your heart does when God's telling you to do something? that's what happened when i looked at that picture. reading about other extremist people groups scared me. but this one didn't. i can't think of anything i'd rather do with my life than go to China and minister to these people. it'll require some prayer on my part and the part of others. pray for me. pray that i can be truly changed and no longer fight for stupid reasons. pray that i can be respectful. pray that i can rid my life of the cumbersome burdens that hold me down. pray that God will reveal to me his direction for my life. pray that i will not be distracted by the petty things of the world. pray that i will be able to accept sacrifice on my part. but most of all, pray against the satanic attacks that are inevitable now. i never thought that a camp in panama city could change my life. i was wrong.

so. ketchup. jellyfish. sour milk. Backstreet Boys. God times infinity. thus was my Big Stuf experience. i am so very happy today. yesterday was great as a mug. more on this later. all i have to say is...durka durka.

man. i'm gonna be so busted in the morning. i probably won't go to sleep until about 3:00 this morning, and then i'll have to wake up at about 4:30 or 5:00 to leave for Big Stuf. man. but anyways, i misjudged Fahrenheit 451...it's very good. i knew it couldn't be all bad if Ray Bradbury wrote it. went to Wal-Mart yet again yesterday. So apparently yesterday was only "Angry/Deranged Soccer Mom / Hungover Frat Guy" day at Wal-Mart. so many frat guys buying advil and MORE BEER....man...i hope i'm not that stupid in college. also, crazy soccer moms. goodness. it's so funny to watch them. they just manage to walk through the super market picking out "healthy" granola bars and "nutritious" snacks, completely unfazed by the 5 children hanging on to their pants and shirts and screaming. but seriously. wal-mart is depressing. i'm really having "Oakland- withdrawal". i miss my friends. but yay. i have a new random crush. but, as i have said before, nothing will come of it, so it's ok. i won't get too obsessed. it's more of an admiration than an infatuation. currently watching Family Feud. crazy asian family that apparently lives under a rock. and they are the champions...sheesh. oh, everyone on earth should watch and/or read "The Stand" by Stephen King. dude. it's long, but good as a mug. i also watched National Treasure again the other day. it was pretty good. a little long, but good. well, i gotta go pack. everyone not going, pray that we don't get eaten by this "tropical storm" that's coming straight to frickin Panama City on Saturday. if we get rained out, i shall be rather sad. but at least i get to stay in a pimp hotel. woot for me. bye guys!

*edit*---i forgot one thing about my wal-mart encounter yesterday...it was also Woodbury Day. never have i seen so many shirts that say things like "Pimpin Ain't Easy" and "Delicious" on 9 year old girls/ 45 year old women (much akin to my experience at the Smyrna Skating Rink...)

well, my mom officially became the Permit Nazi today. just kiddin. i went to go get my permit, but we ended up not even going in because a long line of Mexicans was clogging up the DMV. poop. i probably woulda failed the test anyways. went to the library. woot. i love the library. except on those days where they have special guests in the children's section. The library transforms from the quiet haven i love, to the insane hell hole of doom. Every "conscientious" (overbearing) soccer mom brings all 10 of her kids to come listen to some washed up magician or old-hippie woman tell stories or pull rabbits out of books or something. Gosh. But today was not that day. Today was happy-quiet-peaceful time. Yeah, so i went to sparknotes.com to look at Silas Marner...and it officially sounds like Crapcity. I don't think i'll read it. But being the goody-two-shoes i am, i probably will before the end of the summer. Man, why can't we have good books for our summer reading? next year is like Oprah's Book Club books, (A Raisin in the Sun, and They're Eyes Were Watching God) plus The Great Gatsby (which i am excited about). Senior year is gonna be a long one. I have to read Frankenstein, Crime and Punishment, and The Picture of Dorian Grey (which i already read). But that's ok. At least i won't have to take Freshman Comp. in college. i am currently watching 'Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood". i love that show with all my heart. Mr. Roger's is so cool. And i don't mean that in that super annoying way (you know what i'm talking about. those kids who wear Mario and My Little Pony t-shirts because they think childhood fetishes make them hardcore.) i really have a genuine respect for that man. so. i'm hungry. pantry-raid time. yay rah. bye guys.

truthfully, i love rain. i just don't love the way it gives me migraines. But it also makes my eyes look really pretty! (weird, i know). so. my initial sadness is waning. i'm getting excited about Big Stuf. i had a pretty good day, even though i woke up at 1:00 PM...good Lord...i'll probably reupdate this thing at around 4 AM when i'm still awake and there's nothing on TV. just kiddin. i think my cold medicine is gonna finish me off. just finished watchin a movie called "Just Cause". man o man. it's good as a mug. wouldn't recommend watching it with parents or small children, cause it's kinda graphic, and the language is pretty bad. but man. it's a really good movie. i love psychological thrillers. I hate scary movies that are all chainsaws, telephone calls @ 1 AM, and bloodyness. I love a movie that makes you think. So. Pretty sure today was the "Pasty Nintendo Nerd/ Mexican/ Electronics Stalker/ Angry Soccer Moms/ Angry Lesbian Discount Day" at Wal-Mart. i hate going to wal-mart these days. It's quite depressing. It's just this swelling mass of angry people who obviously don't want to be there. Shopping and driving must bring out the worst in people. I swear, when i'm a soccer mom, i will smile at every Joe Blow who walks my way, because i hate not seeing a single person that looks non-homicidal when i go places. Nayways, on the not-so-negative side, i think i'm starting to figure out how to fix my God-problems. yay. I think admitting was the first step. man, Nathan, i wish you were here right now. I'm trying to create a cover page for a "Bruce-brochure" (sounds like something from a travel agency) and i'm having a heck of a time trying to design it. I have zero artistic talent. maybe Kelsey can help. well, i'm thinkin this is gonna be an okie dokie kinda week. Yay for Big Stuf. Hey, if anyone has a copy of Silas Marner, could you possibly lend it to me? i really don't wanna go buy it from Hastings. woot. thanks guys. ya'll are cool.---C-Unit

man...Nathan, i barely even know you, and you leaving has depressed the crap out of me. which is weird, since i don't get depressed by much. maybe i'm having sympathy sadness for other people...or maybe i've gone crazy (which is a very good possibility). oh well. i miss oakland, which i never thought i'd say. i miss my posse. finished Ethan Frome, which was probably the saddest book ever. Next on the list...Fahrenheit 451. and later, Silas Marner. oh joy. but at least i have Big Stuf to look forward to. i've been really sad lately. i think i may need to fix some things in my life. i don't know what's got me down. i think Nathan's departure has triggered something in me. for one thing, i want to live in New York and have a career there w/ NHNY (not to follow Nathan, i just love NY). also though, i just feel like everyone's leaving without me. oh well. i guess my life and surroundings are not as stable as they used to be. Or maybe i'm just noticing them. Maybe they've never been stable, but i was to content to notice. anyhow, i think i'm going to bed. nite.