It fully hit me about 10 minutes ago, sitting among a ton of boxes and bags and staring at a half empty room that I'm actually moving tomorrow. It's only 2 hours away, but it's the realization that I'm finally leaving my little Murfreesboro bubble that's such a strange feeling. I know a ton of people in this town. Almost every road or place holds some type of memory for me, and tomorrow I'm headed to a town where I know a handful of people and the streets and places mean nothing to me. I'm mostly looking foward to it. Two hours isn't much of a distance at all, and I'm not one to typically get homesick anyway. And I should, hopefully, be home often enough that it won't be too bad. It's just strange to think about not driving out in quiet Walter Hill at night to go home. It'll be nice to get out of Murfreesboro. There's a lot of things I need to leave behind and get away from for a while. The next few days are probably gonna be a little crazy so if you wanna talk to me call or text the cell!!

I think Life enjoys freaking me out. The most random things have happened for the last week or so. So much has changed already, and there's so much more to come within this next week. I'll write about nationals later. The highlight of it: The Miller Girls won small vocal ensemble.

On a quote kick again. Found some I just like and some that apply to current situations...

"there are some things we do because we convince ourselves it would be better for everyone involved. we tell ourselves it's the right thing to do, the altruistic thing to do. it's far easier than telling ourselves the truth."

"imperfection is beauty; madness is genius.
and its better to be absolutely ridiculous
than absolutely boring"

"I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone. I'm scared that I'm always going to be somebody's friend, or sister, or confidant, never quite somebody's everything."

"In the best, most desirable way -- you scare me. But I love the way you scare me but it makes me nervous and then I say or do something really stupid. so I spend all this energy coming up with ideas to be smart so that you don't think I'm stupid and those ideas inherently backfire therefore making me look more stupid. It's a vicious circle, and I'm at the end of my rope because all I really want to do is kiss you and feel if I don't kiss you soon I'm gonna explode."

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need. "

"I mean, if life's so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self-destruct button?"

Sometimes I wonder why I even open my mouth! Here lately nothing but stupid things I don't really mean or do mean and didn't want out there in the open are all that comes out. How does that always manage to happen?

Life could not possibly get any stranger.....

Life is starting to change much faster than I want it to.

Exactly one month from today I'm moving into the dorm at Lee. Wow that's a scary thought.

And admit that I am not okay"

I realized tonight that who I am in the comfort of my own room is not who I am at any other time. And who I am in my room is the real me. I can fake it to everyone, my friends, the youth group, stephen, even my parents. But I can't fake it to myself. And so finally I'm willing to admit I'm not okay. Life is not great...I'm lucky if some days it's good. And I'm tired of acting like it is.

I'm living with colitis, pancreatitis, an ulcer and anemia. Fighting all this leaves me with no energy, moods I hate being in, and the one I hate the most to admit...battling a bit of an eating disorder. I'm constantly worried about somethin. Mostly college. I'm sorta afraid to leave. I'm afraid of how I'll do (especially w/being sick), how things will go here at home, etc. Work has worn me to my end. I love special education, but I'm not making the progress I feel like I should with one of my kids and while I know it's mostly due to her condition I feel like I'm failing her. Which makes me doubt how I'll do in this field. And then personal relationships and issues there...well that would be a short book worth of things to talk about.

I'm trying to be patient and wait on God, but right now it feels like I can't do this much longer. I'm doing my best, and it doesn't feel like enough. All I can do is continue to fight it and pray it's over soon...

So I guess if I'm learning anything from being sick it's that God is teaching me to be patient. I decided to look up the definition and it couldn't fit my situation better.

Patient: Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness.

 I went back to the doctor for like the millionth time today about why I still don't feel much better. Thankfully the gall bladder inflammation is almost gone, and my pancreas is getting better. And since those two things are starting to clear up she was able to find the current problem which is a result of the other two older problems. I have a duodenal ulcer. She said it wasn't too awful, it's not bleeding yet which is good. She gave me some stuff for that and hopefully it'll work, but I'm lookin at 2 months for a recovery rate on this on top of everything else that's healing.

Long night....full of drama....yelling, fighting, crying, arguments, threats, random phone calls, getting lost, all sorts of stuff. Needless to say I'm exhausted, and my nerves are pretty much shot. I just want things to be peaceful and calm! Is that really so much to ask?!?

The Fireworks Stand is FINALLY over! Back to a normal life that doesn't involve fireworks, heat, and sweat. I will not miss that silly thing.

Two more days left at the Fireworks Stand. Just two.....

The fireworks stand is up and running! I got super sick out there today tho. Not fun. I do believe between the stand, work, and all the sudden added stress and thought I didn't really need I may just die. But in the end it'll all be worth it. Even the stress I wanna kill someone over. It'll all work out and be worth it.

I think at this moment I'd pay someone to shoot me if it could prevent all the stuff I have to go lay in bed and think about now....

So we got all our stock in at the fireworks stand today. Got it all put up and labeled. Our tent looks really good. And we found out today that if we can get the guy to come out and approve our lights we can start selling tomorrow afternoon. So the fun, hot, fireworks stand experience is underway once again! So what that means......a ton of work that ends up being worth it. But that also means if you wanna see me anytime between now and July 5th you better be driving to Sam's Club parking lot!

After church today a group of us went out to Woodbury to go swimming. It was interesting to say the least. We had a kind of odd group. And then Stephen, David, and Dustin all got hurt. After leaving and going back and getting our cars and such, we all (except Stephen who went home) went out to eat and then headed to the fireworks stand. We spent about an hour and a half setting up the tent, and we get are stock tomorrow. And then selling starts on Friday. Kind of exciting. But today was busy, and now I'm exhausted so now I'm off to bed.

So I got a job working with special education kids in the laundry room of NHC as a "job coach". I have one girl on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the other one Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Just a little bit of advice....don't call me until like 12:30 or so on M, W, F....it is possible I'll yell at you or say something awful. To say the least the job is interesting...never boring! However, I'm beginning to wonder if it will be the death of me. It takes all the energy I have, which is sad considering it's only 4 hours. Yet despite all the stress I enjoy it. Some days more than others. Today was definetely not an enjoyable day, but that's part of the job. Besides, tonight made up for it. As I said a few days ago....life is amazing.

Life is AMAZING!!!

So I went back to the doctor today because I still feel as lousy as everything. Most of the food poisoning is almost gone, but now I have pancreatitis. And what do you know, that's worse than having the food poisoning! I'm so tired of being sick, and yet it looks like the earliest I can expect to be off all this medicine is the end of summer or first few weeks of college. But it is possible that I should haved the energy to have a life and do something within a week. That'll be nice!

So I think boredom is about to take over my life!