And admit that I am not okay"

I realized tonight that who I am in the comfort of my own room is not who I am at any other time. And who I am in my room is the real me. I can fake it to everyone, my friends, the youth group, stephen, even my parents. But I can't fake it to myself. And so finally I'm willing to admit I'm not okay. Life is not great...I'm lucky if some days it's good. And I'm tired of acting like it is.

I'm living with colitis, pancreatitis, an ulcer and anemia. Fighting all this leaves me with no energy, moods I hate being in, and the one I hate the most to admit...battling a bit of an eating disorder. I'm constantly worried about somethin. Mostly college. I'm sorta afraid to leave. I'm afraid of how I'll do (especially w/being sick), how things will go here at home, etc. Work has worn me to my end. I love special education, but I'm not making the progress I feel like I should with one of my kids and while I know it's mostly due to her condition I feel like I'm failing her. Which makes me doubt how I'll do in this field. And then personal relationships and issues there...well that would be a short book worth of things to talk about.

I'm trying to be patient and wait on God, but right now it feels like I can't do this much longer. I'm doing my best, and it doesn't feel like enough. All I can do is continue to fight it and pray it's over soon...