[it's been a while...]

March 02 2008


my granddad is home now. and doing a lot better. 

we're still praying for a full recovery.


 since last post, i've been a little better i guess..just learning to live with stress and pain. i never knew i would miss my aunt this much after 9 months. i mean, i honestly wasn't even that close with her...and maybe that's my problem? i don't know. things have been really tough for me since then.


 i went to a linkin park/coheed and cambria/chiodos concert last week. it was a lot of fun...and the concert was amazing. getting out of the house was the best part though, not to mention it was all paid for my a friend. :]


but yeah...i think i'll go for now.

maybe i'll update more often....haha.


seriously though, keep me in your prayers still...

i'm definitely not out of my storm yet. :/


love you guys.



so you know what's great?

December 14 2007

what's great is when you get called fat by your teacher in front of the whole class.




then you find out you're failing all of your classes.


and then an ex of yours starts more drama...after a year of hardly even talking.


oh i love it.

today has sucked beyond belief.

i'm so ready for the break. 


December 03 2007

it's been a while...but here's an update on everything.


i figured i should probably update you guys on what's been going on.

so, brian is out of my life for a very, very long time. i found out that he was lying to me yet again, so i broke off all ties of communication and i feel so much better than i did before.

but i've also been pretty stressed as usual.
the bowling season for districts is coming to an end...we only have one match left to play and at the moment, we're 7-0. again...undefeated. but it always puts a little stress on me at the end of season trying to keep up my average and whatnot.

then adding in the fact that i'm in my junior year of high school...
it's been really hard...hard classes, hard teachers, hard tests...everything.

freaking sucks...but i've been doing okay in my classes...passing at least

we found out a couple of days ago that my granddad (mom's dad) has now been diagnosed with cancer....only six months after losing my aunt to a very similar type of cancer. it hit home pretty hard...we're having to postpone christmas until he gets out of the hospital in january. seems like yesterday that we found out about my aunt's cancer...it's like a reoccuring dream..i'm getting all of those emotions and feelings of depression again...but we have faith that he'll get through this. if god is on our side, who can be against us?

just, right now, it's been a really tough season...
but i know that it will make me a stronger person and will get me a little closer to god...which is what i strive for.

anyways....for now...that's it...
hope you guys are doing well.

[just some writing...]

September 10 2007
turning from the radiance and walking toward the shadows
is something i had done for so long…
i thought i had lived my life long enough to be capable
of telling the differentiation amid the two
but i couldn't have been more mistaken in life.
i had no initiative to where i was going or what i was doing
and i still don't to this day.
i permit myself to saunter so far into the obscurity that now,
i don't even know the way out.
i reach for assistance and can't locate it anywhere
it's almost as if i'm out here unaccompanied…waiting for something
either something good or something appalling. i have no idea.
i let my thoughts get the best of me
and now i let them go far enough to baffle me
and i don't know what to do, or even what to believe.
i have been performing like i'm utterly in the light
and people are persuaded that i am in the illumination…
but i couldn't be farther from it.
i'm so far past that position, that i don't even know where i'm located at the moment.
if there was something to point me in the right course,
i wouldn't even have adequate intellect to know where it pointed.
i'm so misplaced and misdirected and no one can tell
so no one attempts to stretch out a hand and aid.
only the times i collapse is when people can tell
that i'm really not all right..and i used to be a reasonably strong individual
which is why i don't collapse habitually.
although it seems to be occurring more and more now.
perhaps one of these days i will be able to come across the way out
and maybe one of these days i will obtain my life back
i will have my contentment, my smile, my happiness back
when i can take pleasure in living life.
because right now i don't have anything to look forward to
nothing to look back on and remember
nothing to smile about, too much to weep about
and i don't know how to handle it all.
so many emotions that are and aren't flowing at the same time
leaves me bewildered at all times.
it's so perplexing that i don't even experience emotion
so confused that i don't even have anything to think about
because everything is so mixed up in my mind.
my mind that has been beleaguered for years.
i've been trodden, left to expire, and not cared about
i don't know why anyone would care now.
it just doesn't make sense.
people state they comprehend it all when they, in reality, don't.
they have NO idea what it's like to suffer this way
they don't know what it's like when you have no one to turn to
and you don't have a shoulder to shed tears on
and you don't have people you can just converse with about anything
mostly, when it feels like you don't fit in anywhere
you feel like an orphan, a stray.
not many people have felt this before
and i don't know why i had to be one of them…
will i ever discover my way out of this total obscurity?
will i ever be able to exist again?
will i ever be able to feel like i belong?
these are all questions that i reflect on all the time
but i don't know when any of them will be answered.
if you don't truly want to assist, don't talk to me.
i must uncover my true friends, if i have any
and work on trying to get out of this place of anguish
before it gets too out of hand and i'm here for eternity.
for those of you who played games with my mind,
thank you for letting me get to this point.
thank you for not doing anything.
thanks so much for pushing me to the edge.
now i'm here…waiting…for something, someone…

yep uhh.

September 01 2007

things didn't work out with the guy..

go figure! =] story of my life. lol.


well AP english is gonna kick my butt this year

like, for serious. =/

but as of right now, that's the hardest class i have. 

thank god.



things aren't goin so great right now

but i'm sure they'll get better soon.

they have to. 



i'm gonna go now.



August 26 2007

so i like totally forgot about updating this thing...


well my human video didn't place and my worship team took 6th in the nation =] it was pretty amazing.


school is back in session now...kinda sucks, but i was ready for something new. i've got a couple hard classes this year, but for the most part, i don't think i'm gonna die or anything...haha.


buuuuttttt yeah.

life is amazing....

me and this one boy are talking again.

so that's definitely been the highlight of my month.. =]

hah. hopefully things will work out this time.


i'm gonna go now.

love you all...



August 07 2007

i'll be in indianapolis until saturday for national competition with my church...


so if you need me, just text or call



love you guys!!



July 27 2007

i pretty much got my hair chopped off.


but i like it.

which really surprised me. haha.


so, nationals is in like 10 days..and i'm reaaaallly excited. =]

our HV is AMAZING. haha..i love it. 

umm. and our worship team is pretty awesome.

and of course, when the miller girls go, they're bound to do something..haha.

but i love my "sisters"..they're pretty cool. 



that's about it!





July 13 2007

i am so glad to be back from kids camp. =]

although i know i'm gonna miss it..

it was a lot of fun, and i got to know the kids better.

but the best part was the kids grew closer to god.

and i loved it.




but i'm definitely exhausted..

hah. time for a nap.  

[happy 18th]

July 07 2007

happy birthday hunter! haha.

gah, this is when it sucks to not have your phone. lol.


but yeah.

things are going alright i guess.

it's still hard not having my aunt around.

i know it's gotta be hard for my uncle and cousins going back home without her.


hmm. yeah. i'm going to camp again from this monday till friday.

this time i'm going with the kids from my church. it's gonna be a lot of fun.


you know, lately i've realized how much i miss some of my friends.

hunter, for instance, things just kinda got weird after the breakup..but i really miss our phone calls..haha, those were the BEST. who knows...he's probably not even reading this. oh well


but yeah. i miss a lot of my friends.

i wish i could go back in time and change some things...

but i guess that's just life.


enough of me rambling...

 but anyways...

happy 18th birthday hunter!

[my aunt]

July 01 2007
mom called this morning.
my aunt died about 2:15 this morning.
yeah, i'm upset...but i'm glad that she's no longer in pain.


June 29 2007

from my phone & hanging out with anyone.



till august 1st.

not going into details.

i'm really mad about it all.

not mad at my dad for taking it away,

but for the person that caused me to use 1100 of our 1500 family share minutes.



that much.



[ugh. not again..]

June 22 2007
my mom just got a call from my grandmother.
she's up there with my aunt in st. louis.
they went to go in for surgery to fix something in her pancreas so she could eat again..
and the tumor had grown so much, there's nothing they could do.

so, she's off of chemo...and they said that they don't know when she's going to die, but it's evident that it will happen.

just be praying for me and my family while we're going through this.

[just thinking...]

June 21 2007
Artist/Band: Cagle Chris
Lyrics for Song: Miss Me Baby
Lyrics for Album: Anywhere But Here
Miss me baby
When you hear our favorite song,
Miss me baby
And when you start to sing along
Think about all the times that we danced
In moonlight to it all night long, oh
Then miss me baby.

And want me honey,
Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
We couldn't wait anymore.
Left the keys in the door, took my hand
Pulled me down on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, we were that crazy
Then miss me baby.

Because when he's holding you,
Know that it's killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And everytime you feel his touch,
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl, you can't shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.

Miss me baby,
Until you can't take it no more
Miss me baby
Pack your bags and hit the door
I'm a man, I was wrong, forgive me
Come back home
I'll be waiting
Right here waiting
Miss me baby.

Because when he's holding you,
Know that it's killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And everytime you feel his touch,
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl, you can't shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.

Everytime you hear this song,
Miss me baby...

[okay guys...]

June 15 2007

so, when i posted my last post i was going through a lot all at once.


i'm really okay now.

i just got back from camp and god dealt with me in ways he never had before.

i'm now free from depression for good.

i'm not gonna pick it all up like i had before.

this week has been amazing.



and when you're feeling like crap,

the best thing to do..is play truth or dare with a bunch of girls

till four in the morning :)



yeah. thanks for letting me know you cared.

i love you all.



June 10 2007
i really need someone to talk to.
and someone who'll lend me their shoulder to cry on.
someone to at least listen.

guess what?
no one's there.

go figure.
story of my life.

[i did it.]

June 07 2007


so i talked to hunter for the first time in weeks.

i guess it was a good thing.

all the feelings i thought i'd have, i didn't.

it really surprised me...

because i wasn't quite sure if i had completely forgiven him or not.

but i now know that i pretty much have.


yeah, it's still really weird talking to him as friends.

i can guarantee that's not gonna change...for a while at least. 

but i'm glad i have one of my really good friends back..


and all i can do is hope he feels the same way.

yeah, i did like him a lot, and yeah, he did hurt me a lot.

but somehow i was willing to forgive him and move on.

and it feels good.

and even though there will always be feelings for him somewhere,

and if it means i have to let them go to get my friend back,

i'm willing to do that.




i'm done. haha.


love you all.


[wasting away.]

June 03 2007

today was better…
i saw potency through pain.
i didn’t even imagine that was possible.
i saw a smile throughout all the horrible conditions.
i saw her pushing through when it seemed there was nothing left.
and i wondered why i couldn’t contain that myself.
why i had to worry and question anything and everything…
and why i couldn’t just take it and progress with life like she seems to have achieved.
why i had to be the pathetic and weak individual that can’t make it through a SOLITARY storm.
i seem to have to rely on so many people,
even when i recognize that they have tribulations of their own.
why can’t i be like them and hold on forever?
i don’t know. but i wish i could be tough enough for other people additionally.

will i ever be that strong?
strong enough to bear my burden plus other’s?
is my determination adequate, or will i fall short like everything else i attempt to accomplish?

recently it seems i’ve been relying on more people than i have ever before.
i’ve been fragile within my core…not able to keep my situate for extended periods of time.
and when i would love to be there for others, all i can say is “i’m sorry”
..which, in truth, isn’t very apologetic at all in the first place..
knowing that will never be enough…cause it’s never sufficient for me.

i don’t know what happened to me.
whether it is the state of affairs i’m in
or whether i’m just wasting away as an individual.
i can’t really tell the differentiation any longer, anyways,
why even attempt to distinguish which one of the two it is?

the only way to liberate my emotions
is to release them on paper.
i’m sure they don’t even seem sensible any longer
i frankly don’t care anymore…
when you have nowhere else to turn,
a pen and paper will always “take note”.
regardless of what kind of an individual you are,
where you’ve been in life,
or what you’ve had to go through.
neither of the two worry about your appearance or outward show…
how many friends you have,
what type of car you drive,
or what vicinity you reside in.
they’ll forever be present, listening conscientiously.

well, i hope i’ll go somewhere at some stage in life.
and i hope that somewhere isn’t “insane”.
i’ll just continue walking..hoping to stumble upon something in this life
to keep me going.
because i’m running out of options rapidly.


June 02 2007
constantly, i feel like i can't hold on any longer.
when i'm at the conclusion of my rope…
and i still have miles to go before i'm at the bottom of my valley on the ground.
when the end keeps getting closer and closer
and all i can do is watch and wait for it to be over.
i feel like i'm trapped and no matter what endeavor i formulate
or how hard i press on and strive, i will never achieve anything.
so i keep hanging on for precious life
waiting for something or someone to come rescue me
or waiting for the end.

i don't know how to handle this kind of stress
all the anxiety that's been weighing on my mind for so long
wondering if i have something to anticipate in the morning or not.
…or if i'll even manage 'til morning…
sometimes i don't even desire to. sometimes i wish it'd all just cease
and i could have my true happiness back.
my old life. the way i used to feel.
not having to question, worry, or lose sleep over everything.

i know that some of you assume i'm too extreme or crazy.
that's all right. you haven't been where i've been.
you haven't walked where i have walked.
you don't know what i've seen or what i've experienced.
you have no idea how i feel and how i think.
so many things tally up to make me what i am at this moment in time…
and even though i'm not faultless, i am who i desire to be
well, when you deduct the melancholy.

i'm eager for a change.
i don't want her to feel pain any longer.
i don't want her to have to experience this any longer.
i wish i could take it for her..i truly, honestly do.
and all i can do, is pray.
that's it. and to me, it just doesn't appear like it's sufficient.
but, i'm just a teenaged girl…no wealth, no verve, no supremacy.
just me. and it's not adequate. it never will be.
i love her.
and i'll keep on waiting for my happy conclusion
whether it comes or not.

[letting it go]

May 31 2007
i discover myself wanting something so terribly it hurts.
wishing i could alter things about myself to make things happen.
but i know that i must obliterate this obsession from memory.

i'm much too juvenile to be this attached to something so mature.

i've tried this once before and failed.
i only dug myself a deeper grave.
becoming excessively misplaced in my emotions...
letting them control my existence.
i don't want to relive those moments.
by only wanting something i couldn't possess.
caused myself to fill a void that i fashioned for myself.
i still sense the ache within my heart.
and still desire that i would never have considered any of this.
occasionally, my thoughts threaten my welfare.
putting myself into situations i'd rather not be a part of.
but i know that i'll be all right. i just have to keep telling myself
that despite the fact that i want this so horribly, i'll have to allow it to fade away.
i'll have to let it go no matter how bad it hurts…
no matter how much i'll lament releasing it.
don't think i'll be capable of looking it in the eyes with unchanged manner.
i'll always have recollections of the long lost history…
but i know this is for the better…i just have to be strong

and let it go.

here it goes. i'm throwing it over the edge,
into the profound, sinister, abyss..
never to be seen once more.

i sense the grip of my hand gradually lose its influence.
as the obsession that apprehended me for so long
floats downward at a steady velocity.
a few moments later, vanished from sight.
gone forever.

i can, at last, breathe once more
and salvage my previous being.


May 27 2007
Senses Fail Lyrics

Calling All Cars Lyrics

Calling all cars we've got another victim
'Cause my love has become an affliction
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

I'm sorry but I think I failed to mention
I lied at my very first confession
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

'Cause this has been building since I have been breathing
And I know how it's going to end

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

Oh my dear, what have I gone and done now?
It's curtain call, I'm about to take my last bow
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

Without giving away the entire ending
I ruined the evening again

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

I don't have love left inside, inside
And I don't have love left inside, inside
Are you desperate for an answer?
I don't have an ounce of good left in me now
That's why I walked out

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You hate me for it now
Try to forget me and just move on

I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
And do your best to forget my name

dear boy...

May 23 2007
dear boy,
i wish you wouldn't have hurt me so bad. i say that i'm strong and i will make it, but it still hurts like crazy...and i feel like you've ripped out my heart and torn it up as many times as you felt like it.

all of the promises you made, apparently were just made to be broken. i can't believe i thought you were telling me the truth about everything. you lied to me and stole my happiness. i thought my life was hard enough already, and then you go and do this to me.

you are the third guy in my life in the past 6 months who have done this to me. i gave you the benefit of the doubt, even when i knew about your past. how could i have believed it? am i really that oblivious? apparently. the reason i didn't give you my first kiss was because i was testing you to see if that's the only thing you were out for...i don't know if that was the case, but, it happened the way it should have. i'm glad i didn't give it up..even though i planned on it for our next date.

everything that you told me...i was amazing, beautiful, pretty, cool, a great person...do you still think that? or did you ever? was it all a lie like everything else? i can't even tell with you anymore.

my self esteem was already low enough...so when you started saying those words to me, i believed them because they made me feel good about myself, i now know how vulnerable i am..thank you for pointing that out. what was wrong with me? please tell me, i'd like to know.

don't expect me to be your friend right away..i have to heal and get past the realization that it's true that we won't ever work out. you were my first real boyfriend...and you'll always be special to me. believe me. it will take a lot to disreguard all of these feelings. just give me some time to heal...then we'll see how it plays out after that.

i loved you.
guess that doesn't matter anymore.

thank you for making my first date the way it should have been...
i just wish it could have been different.
this ends the first chapter in relationships..
and so far, i don't like it.

i don't think i'll be dating for a long time.


May 21 2007
tomorrow is my last day as a sophomore.
it's crazy how fast time has gone by.
i'm halfway done with highschool...
then i'll be headed to college to pursue my special education teaching dream.

it's almost scary how fast time is moving.
i used to think that a week was basically forever..
now i blink, and a month has gone by without me noticing.

i hate it.
but i guess it's all just a part of life.

so much has happened.
i've been hurt a LOT, met a lot of new friends who i don't know where i would be without, went through a lot of hard times, and then of course there were the amazing times...like my first date, advancing to nationals with my youth group, getting accepted into an AP english course, and then seeing my best friend walk across the stage when she graduated high school.

nothing will ever be perfect...i already know that, but lately the only thing i can do is smile. i know that god has everything in his hands and whatever happens will happen for a reason and that i'll come out of the storm victorious and happier than ever...i can't wait.

we're going to see my aunt this weekend i think. her cancer is getting worse...and well, i just need to see her. i don't know how long we'll be up there, but i will have internet and my cell phone if you guys want to talk. i might call a few of you just to talk..it's gonna be hard seeing her in the condition she's in right now...

but yeah. i told you i'd ramble today.
lots of stuff on my mind. ahhh. goodness. too much on my mind right now.

god's taken control.
now, the hard part is to sit back and let him take care of it...when all i want is for it to go my way...but i can do it.


May 20 2007
maybe this is a good thing...
if i can make it through this storm, i can get through anything.

i'll be okay..
i promise..
just give me a little while to get back on my feet..
and keep me in your prayers.


May 13 2007
oh my goodness.
last night was perfect.
great guy.
great movie.
good food.

it was great.

first date ever = happy becca.
yeah, it was pretty cool.

i'm happy, he's happy.
he didn't pull any crap.
he was a complete gentleman.
i love it.

and i went to bed with a smile on my face.

just thought i'd let you know. =]
love you all.