A friend of mine told me something tonight that I haven't heard in a while, but probably needed to hear. I over-analyze. I see a situation or a problem and immediately start thinking about the possibilities for change. My mind wanders/wonders. Hmm....

After reconsidering my thought about reading minds, I decided that it would definately be a plus. I would much rather read minds, not like what I see, and know it's truth than not read a mind and live in a lie. Not that this has any importance whatsoever. It'll never happen. I don't care what Mel Gibson says.

Catfish is good. I actually got full! That doesn't happen often. Justin invited me to a bonfire at his mom's house out in the boonies.

The weather was cool. Sitting around a fire on bales of straw, I roasted marshmallows. A little later on, Canaan played the guitar and sang. It's amazing how therapuatic simple things can be. The raw energy of the fire, no contact to the outside world with cell service and street lights, friends bonding, not a worry in the world. That environment is very conducive to reflection. The struggles of life seem to become so clear when all you do is watch the sparks fly into the air. The Voice that is stifled by the constant noise of life rings in my ears saying, "There's no need to worry. Just as I guide the dancing flames, I can guide you. Let Me. You have desires; You have pain; You have questions. I am the answer. Just like with roasting the perfect marshmallow, patience is the key. This fire may warm you on the outside, but My love can warm you on the inside. All you have to do is let Me."

     It seems I'm a bit confusing. I send out strange signals and wierd vibes. People catch onto these things and get confused. I never knew that I had this effect on people, but several of them have brought it to my attention. By "several", I mean seven. Seven people have directly told me these things. If seven people had the intestinal fortitude to approach me about this, how many more are sitting back, just watching and wondering?
     At first, I doubted. Surely, their reception was skewed. Surely, I would know if I was sending out rogue signals. But more people shared their thoughts. Now I wonder. Seven people, all sharing similar perceptions, can't all be wrong. How am I doing this? I'm sincerely looking for answers here.
     No matter what the context, my last wish is for someone, much less seven people, to mistake my intentions or the direction I pursue. I desire transparency. If anyone should examine my actions and speech, they should be able to know what I'm about.

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

On to a lighter subject...
Boy I wish I had a digital camera. I would love to show you a picture
of linux booting on teh pod (my ipod). I have way more functionality
and customizability (I made up this word). Of course, I can't play my
iTunes downloads cause of all the DRM control, so I dual boot between linux
and the apple OS.


On to more important stuff...
Tonight (Friday night) is the Belle Aire Men's Conference. Free catfish
dinner, Brother Dean and Vance Pittman speaking, music by Nathan and
the gang... it's going to be awesome. All the college guys are invited.
Bring a friend. Totally free. Everything starts at 7:00pm in the AO
space.

This is in response to Jeff Martin's post titled "Awaken":

I pray that I would never become complacent. Having been raised in the faith, I don't want to become apathetic like so many I see. I want to be made uncomfortable. I want to be the person Paul is talking to when he said, "Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling..." I realize this could be dangerous for my life (in more ways than just a beating heart). All the more reason to pursue it. This is why Paul said "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain". In life, I can serve Him; I can see "fruit from my labor". If I die, I am with the Father; I've accomplished my end goal.

I just got back from the Nickel Creek concert. It was astounding! I've seen lots of mandolin players and listened to a lot of mandolin picking, but Chris Thile blows them all away! The whole set was great. They even did "Doubting Thomas" (one of my favorite Nickel Creek songs) because of a request.
As much as I liked the concert, it was a bit awkward. I've never been to a concert by myself. I've always been with at least ten friends (not exaggerating). A couple of my friends were there, but sat in a different spot because of the assigned seating on the tickets. It was just wierd to sit in the middle of a concert by myself. It's kinda like eating by yourself in a restaraunt... times ten.
Call it insecurity; call it vulnerability; call it whatever you want, but in retrospect, I should've gotten someone (read: anyone) to go with me.
Didn't even have to be a date. It could've been a friend coming to enjoy the concert with me.

Maybe next time.

Over the past few weeks, I started thinking that maybe I was ready to open myself to a different "relationship status". Not that I have anyone in mind, but just that I could start watching.
However, I keep thinking and praying. I don't think it's time. He is still working on me. I have a long way to go.
There's so much I'm still learning. Part of this is due to some conversations with a few good friends, part due to several things I've read in Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and part due to stuff I've been reading in the New Testament, specifically Colossians and Phillipians.
I don't want to mess this up. Thankfully, He is faithful to give wisdom and guidance when we ask so long as we are patient and willing to open ourselves to His timing and will.

So what's everyone doing for fall break?

Today's post will be purely for enjoyment.

In the past twenty-four hoursish, I have...
Consolidated my music library... finally.
Backed up my important files to DVD... finally.
Downloaded the FC4 x86_64 and i386 DVD isos... finally.
Possibly found a viable solution for using iTunes on *nix... finally.

The reason:
For about the last seven months, I have been out of my element. I've been stuck in the forever crappy Microsoft world. This is due partially to my increased use of iTunes (love it!). However, the main reason is that since I upgraded to my nice 64 bit Athlon, I haven't taken the time to install the 64 bit kernel for linux. I will probably have to dual boot between the 32 and 64 bit until 64 gets to be a little more stable/usable. With all the moving/working/school, I haven't had the time to devote to getting back to my true home, Linux! I run most efficiently in my native environment (Linux core, Enlightenment window manager, sourceforge galore). I have been lacking this in my life for too long. It's time to plunge... again. It's time to reformat. Goodbye cruel world! Hopefully, my next post will be from my new old OS.

My heart is heavy.

Well, it almost feels like home. Today, I moved for the fifth time in eight months. I've unpacked several boxes and put my new office chair together (fun), tonight I won't sleep very well. It always happens when I'm in a new place, but given the experiences of the last four nights, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

This makes four nights in a row that I've had bad dreams. Something strange is going on.

I know I already wrote about this, but I'm serious. This weather is absolutely incredible! I want to sit around a fire tonight. I get off at 10:30. Anyone up for a fire? Call me 615-397-0339.

You people complaining about the cold and wet. This weather is great! I was driving down the road (yes on the bike), when I smelled something that invoked memories of fire in a fireplace, cuddling up next to someone, drinking hot cider. I'm starting to get excited.

In other news, I finally got my license renewed. I was there for a little more than an hour and it cost me $30, but I'm legal now.

With a little research, I found out that because of my little joke last week, I can now legally officiate weddings. This could be very interesting.

In other news, I have created a list of life goals. I think this might help with the whole what-to-do-about-the-future thing. Some of the things seem like normal everyday life tasks, but I have struggles with them. I don't know if looking at the list motivates or depresses me. The future and my success (or lack thereof) seem to be just about the only things that can get under my skin and affect my outlook on life. I'm normally energetic and positive, but I don't know about this future stuff. It's ironic that this is the topic we covered in our J-Group leaders meeting. We're supposed to talk about this stuff in our next J-Group.

Ok, time to stop rambling.

-- EDIT --
To clear things up... yes I can officiate weddings. Yes this is legal. I'm an ordained minister *tounge in cheek*, at least as far as the state is concerned. Cool, huh?

Tonight was ultra wierd. I don't know how it got to be that way, but it was.

I met with my J-Group tonight. That was good. I had been praying about that and three guys came. I think we connected so I'm happy. Continue praying for that.

Intercession was different tonight. We went on campus and prayer walked. It was a very interesting time.

Some friends of mine played a prank on some other friends of mine. I got stuck in the middle. I don't know how or why, but it happened. It sucks too cause they're just playing around with each other, but both sides aren't happy with me. I didn't even do anything! I had absolutely no part in the STUPID prank! I'm just stuck in the middle.

Damned if I do; Damned if I don't --unknown

Ok. So I broke down and did it. I wasn't too surprised about where it put me. Although, I feel that I'm quite a bit more conservative than the graph suggests. The graph is not accurate as far as where and how large the different portions are. I guess it wasn't created by someone with a degree in sociology. Not a very good poll.

My dot was next to Donald Trump on the Famous People graph... maybe that's a good sign?

Also, when asked what law I would dictate, I wrote, "Rapists and child pornographers should be castrated, ESPECIALLY if they have repeated offenses." I think it's reasonable.

You are a
Social Liberal
(60% permissive)

and an...
Economic Conservative
(65% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Centrist



Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

I'm now Reverend Nathanael Robert Tallman... at least according to the Universal Life Church.

In other news, the stars were so clear last night! Work was busy. I was setting up stuff for Chris and Emily's wedding. Saturday night, I get to tear it all down and set up for Sunday morning too! Woo hoo!

After work, I went up on the roof for about half an hour just watching the stars. It was amazing. I saw two shooting stars as well. Does that mean that my wishes cancel each other or do they multiply? Oh well. Doesn't matter much anyways, right?

The stars are amazing tonight. No moon. No clouds. No street lights. Just clear and shining stars.

I started thinking about where I was last year at this time. I thought about where I've been since then, the experiences I had, the stupid mistakes I made (many), the good decisions I made (few). What lessons have I learned over the past 365 days? What impact have I made on the world? What difference have I made in lives? What have I accomplished? How was I with God?

At first, I was a little excited. I tried not to be, but I did smile a little bit. I even sent a txt message to someone because of my excitement. Here I am two hours and twenty-nine minutes later. The excitement has worn off a little, and I'm wondering what I'm going to do with my life from here on. How am I going to spend my NEXT 21 years?

I dropped my 8:00am class yesterday. It was a little difficult to get up and get to class at 8:00am, especially on Tuesday and Thursday when that was my only class. I was a little worried about missing too much and failing. Dropping the class eased up my load considerably. Tuesdays and Thursdays are totally school free for me now.

I opened this up to write some insightful comment. I wanted to write about His faithfulness, His grace, His neverending love towards us. I wanted to write about how He answers prayer. I wanted to do all these things, but I can't. My mind is soo clouded right now. The junk of life keeps looming overhead and raining on my thoughts.
I guess one comfort is that time keeps on ticking. No matter what is going on, no matter how good or bad, time passes by one second at a time. Before long a second is a minute, then an hour, then its a new day.
God says He is rich in mercy. I guess I'll look for new mercies in the morning.

--EDIT--
I realize now that my post came across as complaining. My life is good. I can open my eyes to the despair and hopelessness found in the people on campus to see that my life is very good. A bad day while knowing the love, contentment, and peace found in Christ beats a good day not knowing the One whose grace is sufficient even for me.

Life has been extremely busy. Between working almost full-time and school and pulling all-nighters like last night, I haven't had much time for anything else.
Here's the latest:
Found an apartment. Will move in ten days hopefully.
I'm seriously considering saving for a laptop. I don't spend enough time at home to work exclusively on my desktop.

Onto a different train of thought, His fellowship is amazing. When there's no pressing needs and when all is going well, it is so sweet just to enjoy His companionship. Just something I've been learning more of lately.

It's been five days since I've posted... woopdy doo!

Is it possible to have good things that aren't God things? Today, I had a good thing happen and I don't know if it's a God thing. I guess time will tell.

One not-so-good thing is that I'm still looking for a new habitat. Dunno whether it's going to be an apartment or a house. I guess time will tell.

I emailed my J-Group tonight. Haven't gotten any replies back, but it is early yet. I'm going to try to meet with them on Monday. I hear I may get a few more guys, but I'm not positive. I guess time will tell.

Monday night, at intercession, I spent almost the entire time praying about a specific issue. It's amazing how God does His thing. A few things might be starting to change. What does the future hold? I guess time will tell.

P.S. A good friend of mine is having a baby TODAY (Friday)!!!! I'm so excited. He's going to be a daddy to a little baby boy! I couldn't be happier for him. It is truly amazing how God can turn circumstances for the better. Tolkien called it eucatastrophe. Whatever the case, Pray for the baby and family.

Long story short...

Thursday, I moved into my new abode. Seven hours later, I moved out. The landlord demanded that I get a cosigner. I refused. Also, the rental agreement wasn't up to par and he wouldn't budge on it.
So, I'm looking for yet another place to live. I may have found an apartment, but I've got to make a few phone calls first. We'll see.

I thought things would settle down a bit when school started, but that hasn't happened yet.

So recently (as in the last several months), I have discovered the world of independent music(ians). Why hasn't anyone told me what I was missing!?!? This stuff makes me want to empty the iPod of all the junk and fill it up with the good stuff.

In other news, tonight (or rather last night) was the first mid-week gathering at AO. It was incredible! I have prayed so hard for so long that God would use AO and everyone in it to accomplish great things. Tonight was a huge answer to prayer! Turnout was great, but more importantly, we were able to connect with many students (both old and new) and make them feel welcome and loved.
My heart is for the student who comes in and knows absolutely no one and feels extremely uncomfortable with the big group of people socializing with itself. This is one area that I feel AO has been lacking in for sometime. I say that because I used to be one of those students. I don't want the "little" people to fall through the cracks because they don't know the right people and don't have the social skills or confidence to approach anyone.
You should see the stack of signup sheets of students interested in J-Groups (small, accountibility groups) and care families. To be honest, the numbers are somewhat daunting, but I know that God has a plan and will bring forth the leaders and families to meet the need as He sees fit.

I have just a few more little things to take care of before the routine schedule finally kicks in and I can abandon the overused run-run-run-with-no-sleep mode. Moving Thursday is one of those tasks. Hopefully, it will be my last move for a while.

Well, I've been home for an hour (left at 1:00AM) and I'm a little tired. I have class at 8:00AM so my alarm is set for 6:45AM. If anyone wants to call me to see if I'm awake ::hint hint::, my number is 615-397-0339.

I figured with an 8:00 classes, I would end up sleeping through it sometime this semester... I just didn't expect it to be the third day of class. Not a good way to start the semester.