from the very beginning of this whole xanga/phusebox craze i have been the person that thought it was utterly rediculous to write these overly melodramatic entries. i always viewed it as a sad attempt to get attention from people who aren't close enough to you for you to pick up the phone and actually tell that person what is wrong, and against my better judgement i will do exactly what i have disliked and even slandered in the past mainly because there isn't any one particular person that i could tell this to and because anyone who knows me needs to know what i am about to say, and that could take a whole lot of phone calls...

in short: i am a complete fake

i feel that i have decieved every single person i know into believing that i am something that i am not. and the even sadder thing about this situation is that because i have been doing that for so long that i no longer know who I am. i would lie to people just to see if they would believe me, not just with my words, but with my actions. and for the most part i have been very successful at this. i am good at what i have been doing because i do not know nor have i ever known how to be real. i have acted as so many different people that i do not know who i act like to different people. some people have probably noticed this about me, maybe i am wrong, maybe everybody has noticed this about me and that is why i feel so empty and alone and completely void of emotion or feeling. and because of my manipulation and stubborn ways, the one bright shining star in my life begins to doubt and question me, and rightly so. i can be the stand out leader in my youth group, i can be the funny guy who makes people laugh, i can be the jerk who makes people laugh at another's expense, i can be emotional, i can be cocky, i can be humble, i can be sympathetic and helpful; it all depends on the situation at hand and how i think it would best suit me to act. i cannot imagine the number of people i have decieved just because i thought they would like me more if i acted a certain way, and then as soon as another person or group comes around, i am a completely different person.
never have i understood the songs or phrases that speak of people hungering or thirsting for God, and it at this point that i realize the hunger and thirst for something different. i want aceptance and love and support and friendship and warmth and satisfaction and peace. and it is at this point that i realize how much of an utter waste i have been for the past eighteen plus years of my life.
i have done nothing but bring people down and hurt others.

i don't know what it is that i want, i just don't want to feel this guilty for anything ever again.
sorry to all...