Alright, time to come clean.

A little late notice, I know, but I'm leaving Friday morning for Florida. No, I don't know how long I'll be gone, but rest assured, I'll be back, even if in short spurts for a couple of years. I don't know why I haven't been able to simply say that, but then again, I don't know how to say a lot of things. This is the second time I've had to leave friends and change scenery, but...the first time was of my own free will. I can't survive here, not in this situation, with a horrible job market that does nothing to help me, a housing situation that strains finances, and a life that merely puts stress on me.

But because that's not enough, let's pile on top my (as always) conflicting opinions as it concerns with this crazy thing we call "love". Every time I'm "sure" I'm in love with someone, it comes back to bite me and say, "No, not as much as you think." And I'm almost certain it will come back the same way this time...of course, this time, my affections and the way they're shown toward the target are vague. Mind you, they probably know; they've read what I love to have in a signifigant other, and they fit it perfectly, but, as always, the eternal question is if the feeling is mutual, and I, as always, doubt it is.

But that's the problem with me. Eternal doubt in myself, despite my everlasting faith, the hope that I'll be shown the way, but who knows, other than God? But regardless, when she reads this, she'll know, and I can only hope that God will lead her in the right direction, wherever that is.

On a lighter topic, I got a haircut today, and I am doing a giant farewell get together lunch at around 1:00. Hit me up from 11:00 forward on my cell, as I'll be out and around from that point on...and I really don't know where we'll be doing lunch, but I'm thinking La Siesta...just...don't know which one.

So. Yeah.

Up and down, back and forth, my emotions are pulled in every direction.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I know not what I'm doing...or maybe I do. This is either the best or the worst I have felt; a new beginning, but an end that I refuse to face. Nothing is right, nothing is fair, least of all my own conflicting thoughts.

I've made countless friends, but most of them I can forget and leave as memories; at least, I'd like to think so. I did the same before, why not again?

It's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Because this time is different; I've never felt closer to these people, and now is the time I have to stop, step back, and reassess the situation. These people have rebuilt my broken self esteem, reaffirmed my faith, and, in some severe cases, made me believe that there's someone out there that's close to me that I think is "the one". But that's just tunnel vision, I believe, and I've already had one case of that in four years.

My head is giving me life and death
But I can't choose

So what do I tell these people? "Hey, it's been fun, but I've got to leave and you can't do anything, sorry."? That's horrible, that's something I'd wish on nobody and their friends, but the seemingly unescapeable situation. It's worse, because so many of them are going off and having vacations, and they're missing even that.

What's a hopeless romantic to do?

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

This is going to be hard to do.

This is drama:
A series of arguements centered around a pair of friends (more than friends?) where one side's family has grown a violent dislike toward this other.

This is Graham Wells:
One of the people in this world I trust with anything on my mind. I would tell him anything, and more, I would trust him to keep it to himself unless I told him otherwise; I know this because he's doing it now with numerous ideas, thoughts, and opinions of mine. I continue to do the same for him.

This is Amy Amonett:
A delightful person who is a joy to be around, but...sometimes she hurts those she cares about the most. I fear that this is the decision that will end up hurting people no matter what; if she stays by her family, she's earned little, and if she stays by her friend, she earns less.

This is Becky and Christi Amonett:
I don't know why they've taken this stance...but I haven't talked to them, so I don't know much outside what I've read and heard; which isn't too much. They tell Amy that this is for the best, that she should move on, but she finds it hard to decide, and probably impossible in her heart.

This is Jake Huff:
An identity I've come to terms with, though not on a face-to-face basis. This hasn't made Graham happy, as he feels this is the breaking point of his relationship with not just Amy, but the remainder of the Amonetts. I don't hate him anymore, but I won't say he's a good friend, because I certainly don't hang out with him.

This is the moment that defines them.

I'm not entirely sure how to start this, so I'll just jump right in.

I haven't updated my Xanga in...over three months now, so I guess someone out there needs an update on my life.

So I finished my first year at MTSU, and, since word has probably spread by now, grades were well below expectations. We're talking bad. I'm scraping by (somehow) working a fourty hour week and paying my parents rent, and it's not the best situation in the world. I wish I could (and might have) figure out a solution, but that's only the tip of the iceberg of my life.

I just got back from a week long vacation to New Mexico (not Arizona, Amy Amonett), where we (we being myself, my mother, my aunt, uncle, my uncle's sister and his mother) celebrated my aunt's birthday, Memorial Day, and finally, my 19th birthday, last Thursday. It was a welcome escape from the crushing reality that is my mental state.

If you followed my Xanga (and honestly, who did?), you'd know that I previously had feelings for a certain person, and that I was trying to forget them, because I saw it as a lost cause. Thankfully, I've been able to do that, and move on, just as I thought I had six months before that, and I haven't had my joy crushed yet (then again, there isn't too much joy to be had).

But there's another gaping hole in my stomach (or, also, my heart) that I don't know if I can patch. It's really nothing I care to talk about right now, but I can only hope it will reveal itself in due time...before it's too late.

So yeah, done boring you people, I'll let you go.