Garrett and I were talking on the phone just a little over an hour ago when he told me that the spring classes were now avalaible online. So once we hung up, I went to check it out. And I have to say, thus far I am mostly pleased (though I am upset with my favorite psych professor ever only teaching the one class I've already had him for - BOO!). 

 

So yes, I do in fact already have my schedule planned out, permitting that I don't change my mind between now and then... or that MTSU does not change their mind... And one or the other will most likely happen...

 

Consumer Behavior (Marketing), MWF 9:10 - 10:05

Promotion (Marketing), MWF 10:20 - 11:05

Honors Mass Media Law (EMC), MW 2:20 - 3:45

Persuasion (Psychology), TR 11:20 - 12:45

Play Writing (English), TR 2:40 - 4:05

 

That's right, at the end of the semester I will be familiar with law, know how to manipulate (uh... I mean persuade) people, and have written plays. Sounds like fun! Well, except the law part...  

We're not real with one another. We want everyone to think we're doing ok when we're not. We hide behind facades and masks and cleverly disguise ourselves as having it all together... but it's just not the case. And that's not ok. And it's especially not ok to feel like you have to hide yourself from everyone, especially your friends or brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

But the fact of the matter is we do.

 

And you know what? Honestly, I like myself. I like my personality. I think I look decent most days. I think I'm a nice person. I'm not perfect, but I think I'm alright. But many times what drags me down is worrying what YOU think about me. When you flake me off I wonder if you care. When you totally ignore me in group settings, even though I know we're some sort of friends because we've had some good conversations one on one, it hurts me. And it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. But there isn't anything wrong with me. I'm the way God made me and I don't have to conform to the cookie cutter image the world throws at me.

 

I struggle with worry and anxiety. I don't pray enough, and when I pray I fee like I almost forget I'm my praying to my Lord and Savior! It almost feels like talking to some mysterious creature in the cosmos. I've lost that awe I once had of Him. I freak out if I feel like something I'm doing is short of perfect. I fear it will fall to pieces and will be a failure, and I fear failure more than anything else. Sometimes I'm afraid to hear God tell me what His will for my life may be. I'm prideful. I'm so selfish. 

 

I know that everyone who is reading this right now has played fake multiple times. You probably wore a mask today. Are you thrusting yourself into a certain crowd to hide your insecurities? Do you dress a certain way because you feel guys won't love you otherwise? Seriously... what do you have to hide? We've all been there. BE REAL. We are a community. If we can't be real with one another... who can we be real with?

 

I tell you what (AO people), I'm sure I missed some awesomeness at the fall retreat. But those of you who were there, y'all missed some awesomeness  in Sunday school this morning. I was sleepy and slightly freaked out by Mike Bivens' energy, but what he said this morning really hit at home... we have to be open with our brothers and sisters in Christ. We have to stop playing this game. We can't keep saying we're ok when we're not. It's time to end this. 

 

It's funny... earlier today I went back to look at my old Xanga entries from high school... oh man... it was kind of painful... things that I thought were so huge then are now laughable. And one day I'll feel that same way about the stuff that concerns me now. Let's face it guys, life is short and we have too little time to waste so much energy on petty problems, people's opinions of us, and all around stupid stuff. What if we took the shift off ourselves and stopped being so petty, and displayed it outwardly to others? What a difference it would make if we truly love one another as God so intended it to be... 

 

Let's stop having occassional moments when we "do" something real, because that's so temporary and superficial. Let's BE real, a state of being, a lifestyle of authenticity and openness.

 

Let's be real.  

1.) I think my computer is ok.

 

2.) I think we need to stop letting the Chinese paint our Barbie dolls with lead paint. Get people off welfare and off the streets and employ them to paint the Barbie dolls! 

 

3.) I really want to go to Europe... like really badly... all over Europe. I'm getting jealous of all my friends and all thei cool picture from Europe.  

This may sound shallow, but for those of you who have paid over two thousand dollars for something that is supposed to last a while you may understand... Feel free to pray that my iMac doesn't die. It's been acting funny today and it's only a year old. I'm glad I have the extended warranty in case something does happen, but I most certainly prefer there not be. I've restarted it twice and it's still a little off. Thankfully it's letting me back up some files to my external hard drive, something I should have done long ago... Who knows, maybe it will be all better tomorrow...

I finished with my video shoot... again... but this time I think it will look really good. I also got a little bit more creative in my directing.

 

It's been a really long day. I went to work, ate cake, went to class, went back to work, ate more cake, skipped class to get my license renewed, went to my mom's office, went to one apartment, went to another apartment, went to Graham's house, then came back to my place... oh yeah, and ate more cake. I'm going to have to go on a diet when all the birthday cakes are eaten up.

 

And now I would go to bed but I have hardly had the chance to talk to my boyfriend, whom I should be hearing from after his soccer game. But that's ok, I'll just sleep in Saturday... 

 

Yeah... so Happy Birthday to me... 

 

 

Long story short, after those seven hours of shooting we have to re-shoot everything AGAIN, right from scratch. We even have to use new talent because the talent we used before is not avaliable.

 

You want to guess which day we're shooting?

 

Thursday. My birthday.

 

Which I am now suddenly dreading... 

Last night was the shoot for our video, "How to Have an Ideal Date". It was a pretty simple idea. We would shoot most of it in my partner Michael's apartment, and then we were supposed to shoot the rest at Steak n' Shake.  We figured the apartement part wouldn't take too long, maybe an hour or two, and then maybe an hour or less at Steak n' Shake.

 

But alas, everything feel to pieces quite quickly.

 

I wish I can remember the sequence in which everything happened, but some of it I think seemed to fall apart all at once. Let's start with our camera...

 

We have to check out cameras from the school's department, which are really nice so I won't complain. The camera we checked out was not one of my professor's cameras, but one of the other professors' (but that's a whole other story we won't get into). So everything on the camera was set on the wrong thing, which makes things difficult when you are still trying to figure out how to use the camera. That might not have been too huge of a deal, but we did not realize this until after we realized the BOTH of the batteries in the camera kit were COMPLETELY DEAD, which can also be attributed to the fact that it was not one of my professor's kits.

 

So that delayed us. While I was on the phone with a classmate discussing using one of their batteries from their camera kit (since they would not be shooting until later this weekend), my partner Andy was on the phone with Steak n' Shake. Guess what they had to say?! Sorry, the person who had told us we could shoot there did not have the authority to do so and we absolutely could not shoot there!

 

Great. So we have dead batteries and one of our locations is completely out of the picture. Now it was time for some major brainstorming. One of our classmates said that she had gotten permission for us to shoot where she works, but unfortunately it was in Franklin and we would not be able to shoot until after midnight (which was when we were going to shoot at Steak n' Shake, but at least it would have been local). We called her and left a voicemail, but brainstormed for better options as one of the batteries charged up.

 

I decided to call Graham, who then turned me over to his mom, to ask about trying to make a portion of either their deck or part of their house look like a restaurant. They were more than willing to help out and so we breathed a little easier.

 

Meanwhile, we had to figure out how to shoot in Michael's dang apartment, which had bad lighting and obstacles known as furniture. We also had a problem of not being able to shoot outside for the "pick up" and "drop off" scenes because of how dark it was, and had to come up with creative ways to shoot those scenes from the inside. (And remember, during all this we were still trying to figure out the camera.)

 

I think we may have finished up with shooting everything at the apartment at 11 something (we arrived at the apartment shortly after 6... we spent about two to three hours trying to figure out how to solve all our problems). Then it was time to head over to Graham's. After a run-in with a rapping thug who wanted our cell phones at the Wal-Mart gas station, we headed over to Graham's.

 

God bless Trudy. She set up a really nice area that really did look like a restaurant. Granted, Michael Johnson won't be fooled, but we knew it was the best we could do. It was also nice that Graham's house is very well lit. We spent, roughly, about another hour and a half there getting our final shots, and most everything went smoothly there.

 

I got home at about 1:30 or so and crashed at 2 AM. My sleep was not as sweet as I anticipated, however, as I would wake up and worry about some of the shots we did before falling back to sleep. There is no room for mistakes as we do not have the option to reshoot. We can only hope and pray that in our 40 minutes of footage (after 7 hours madness) that there are two minutes of redeeming video that will keep us from getting too miserable of a grade. Thank goodness our talent was great... we really would have flopped without all their efforts. And now we can also only hope and pray that the editing process goes well. Thankfully Andy has a whole week for that.

 

So filming is not quite the glamour it appears to be.

 

And this morning I dropped my psychology class I hated so much. And it feels so freeing... 

"Look at Steve Urkle wrestle that crocodile!" -Dad, referring to Steve Irwin

 

"...I drive around Murfreesboro and pretend I'm Batman..." -Andy, explaining what, pray tell, you do with a Batman soundtrack  

 

"Take your menopause pill, lady!" -Jolene, about her feelings towards an angry middle-aged woman 

Is the world ready for the return of boy bands? Not that I mind the music, but those over dramatic gestures...

 

On a totally different note, has anyone who wears contacts had a problem with your lenses tearing insanely faster than they should? I'm having a lot of trouble with mine tearing lately and I don't understand what's happening because I'm not doing anything differently... 

Paris Hilton. Britney Spears. Lindsey Lohan. Vanessa Hudgens. Kirsten Storms.

 

What do all these girls have in common? 

 

Well quite frankly, they're terrible role models for today's young girls.

 

Everyone is quite familar with the first three. Some may not know much about the latter two.

 

Vanessa Hudgens is pretty well-known, especially among pre-teens and teens. She is the leading lady in the very popular High School Musical movies, co-starring with her on and off screen boyfriend Zac Efron. She is a seemingly sweet and innocent girl, and only 18 years old, so I was quite shocked to discover that she had posed for nude photos that have crept their way to the Internet. In her apology she claims that she is sorry and embarassed about the pictures, but what I am still trying to figure out is why someone who is in the public eye would do something in private that, if exposed to the public, would be embarassing. But obviously the problem is that she wasn't thinking about it.

And then there's Kirsten Storms, who was better known to Disney fans a few years back when she starred in the Zenon movies. She currently voices a character for the Disney animated series Kim Possible and is also known for her role in a soap opera. Apparently she was arrested for DUI (gee, that seems to running rampant in Hollywood... I'm never making plans to drive around there). And what particularly upsets me about Kirsten Storms' charge is the fact that she is supposed to be a Christian. She was on the cover of Brio, a magazine for Christian teen girls, a few years back, and I was subscribed to the magazine at the time and thought it was so awesome that she was a Christian. And now she has ruined that reputation. Drinking (legally) is not inheritantly wrong, but getting drunk and then driving is a completely different story. 

 

It's always bugged me how much Americans idolize celebrities. They continously fail us. They divorce. They have affairs. They drive drunk. They do drugs. I'm not saying all celebrities do these things, but it does seem quite prevelant.  And lately, the focus of celebrity news has been on girls my age (give or take a few years). Adolescents are looking for a role model. They may not consciously realize it, but they are. They are trying to figure out who they are and form an identity, and they look up to older guys and girls. And when they see these girls and what they do... that's something that come to think is ok.

 

You would think these celebrities would have some respect for themselves, as well as for others. But they don't. They're just living in the moment, doing what feels good, trying to find something to satisfy them. They don't value the responsibility they have as being public figures. They have millions of dollars, all the stuff they could want, but they're miserable, and we IDOLIZE them! Why do we do that? Why do we admire people merely based off their riches, looks, or talents? Since when do these things matter more than a person's CHARACTER?  

 

I learned many years ago, after having a few role models, that people will disappoint you, whether they are in the public eye or the people you encounter in your life. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is worthy of being idolized. But there's nothing wrong with admiring somene's attributes, and we have to be so careful as to who we're admiring and what we're admiring about them. Just because someone is on TV, has great hair, and a lot of money, it does not mean they are a person that deserves admiration. I think many young girls fail to see that, however. It's not that they're shallow, it's just they like something about an actress or singer and decide they want to be just like her. 

 

I remember a couple of months ago I was in Fossil and they were playing the edited version of Avril Lavigne's song "Girlfriend". Now, I'm a fan of Avril's old stuff, but the message of (and the language in) this song just makes me cringe! Anyhow, a couple of girls that could not have been older than thirteen walked by me, singing along with the song. Now, if it had been "Complicated", I would not have been so concerned, but this song is all about a girl whining to a guy that she hates his girlfriend and trying to convince him that she would be better. Personally, that would not be a message I would want my thirteen year old daughter to be exposed to.

 

So it's not just the individual person, but the art they produce... whether it be music or movies. Some stars, like Natalie Portman, actually do a pretty decent job of selecting their roles carefully and trying to be a positive role model through their movie characters. If only everyone would put that kind of care and attention into what they did. What would even be greater was that if the media would reward and promote such behavior. 

 

But sadly, the headlines scream about the girls gone wild: the ones who get arrested, who party without panties, who pose nude. It fascinates us. It arouses our attention. It generates talk. I just wrote a really long blog entry about it. The celebrities are getting what they want: attention. It's what they crave, whether it be negative or positive. They don't care if it's affecting adolescents. Granted, they don't make girls go wild, and teens are not helplessly suspectible to or brainwashed by these stars, but it is most certainly affecting them and our society as a whole. 

 

I just hope new and young celebs won't fall into these same traps. I hope they will stand up for what's right. I hope they revolutionize the entertainment industry as we know it...  simply by their actions.

Twenty-going-on-twenty-one is an interesting time of life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm halfway through college, less than two years away from "the real world". Maybe it has something to do with the fact that so many of my friends are engaged or married. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have close friends in their mid-twenties. Maybe it's knowing that those "B.S." classes are long gone and it's time to get serious. Maybe it's realizing that in my twenty years I've experienced a lot but there's a lot more I want to experience in the next twenty years before I look back and say, "What have I done with life now that it's halfway over?". Maybe it has something to do with the deaths of two loved ones this summer. Maybe I am just rapidly growing up while still being entrapped in a school setting and a still somewhat adolescent mind. I think it may be all of the above.

 

This semester is extremely uncomfortable. With the exception of the tight-knit family of Single Cam (as much as Michael Johnson scares me, at least I have the suport of the other 20 students in the class), I don't feel free to speak up in any of my classes. Last semester I felt extremely comfortable in my classes (maybe with the exception of one class). I feel more insecure and less confident, though I still believe very much in myself and probably have a much stronger support system of friends now than I ever have before. 

 

I don't really feel too much like me these days. I don't think I have a problem though. I'm not depressed. I'm just different. Not my personality, not my interests, not my ambitions, and not much else... really, just the degree of my circumstances. I think I am in an age of uncertainty. I'm certain I'm in the right major, the right minor(s), the right school, have the right friends, etc. I'm certain of my faith. I'm certain of my beliefs (be they theological, political, or whatever). I am not even sure if I am uncertain of anything in particular... I think I'm just suffering from an emerging adulthood crisis. I feel like I'm supposed to be out of my own, have money, be working, and married. Is that crazy?! I'm not ready for any of that (well, the latter two, not quite yet) but the time is coming (very soon)! 

 

I see myelf becoming more willing to take responsibility. Friday morning I sent a letter to the editor of the campus newspaper about a completely whacked out editorial based on complete fiction about where I work, and it was published in today's edition. I felt a little apprehensive about it at first, but the praise I have received for what I did is affirmation that it was right. Sometimes you have to take chances. It may not be the popular choice, but as the Fray so eloquently puts it, "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". 

 

So all this rambling just to say I feel different, and almost uncertain, but for no obvious reason. But I really think it's because a lot of things are changing in my life in regards to family (deaths), friends (new ones), work (new system), and school (a different level in my classes). And just like every other new stage of life, I will just have to learn to adjust and adapt. I guess I just never thought this would be one of those times. It just goes to show we never know what's right arond the corner.  

Michael Johnson is apparently a mastermind. We had to write up new proposals for these new video ideas that came from some other group, and today we turned them in. He then asked all the prodcuers to pass their copy of the new proposal BACK TO THE ORIGINAL GROUP! What a relief! So my group got their old idea back, really without too much change. Anyhow, the point of all that was that we would each have a new perspective on our project and work with that in mind. So that was the good news...

 

The bad news was this terrible Sidelines article written about the "evil" business office! I will be writing a letter tonight and sending it in to set a few things straight! 

So... last Thursday in Single Cam each group was instructed to come up with an idea for our first video project, which is supposed to be a "how to" video.

 

My group came up with a pretty decent idea ("How to be a Gentleman on the First Date"). We had some good ideas for how we were going to present it.

 

But then Michael Johnson told the producer of each group to hold up their paper with the group's idea.

 

Then pass it to the right.

 

And then do it again.

 

Now the paper we were holding was the topic we were going to have to do.

 

Don't even ask what my group got... I'll tell you about it eventually...

I think I just signed my life and soul over to my Single Camera Directing and Producing professor, Michael Johnson...

Another semester started out on the wrong foot. There's nothing wrong with my classes, mind you, it's work... it's crazy! That and feeling overwhelmed by all I have to do and wondering if something's gonna have to give... but I guess I'll give it a week or so and see...

So, I finally sat down and thought about how busy I am going to be this semester thanks to school, work, focus group leader respobsibilities, and Collage. I don't really want to complain, because I know I'm going to enjoy everything (well, being a focus group leader and Collage, and maybe sometimes school and work), but boy am I going to be busy...

 

Every week, Monday-Friday: Work 20 hours, attend classes for 16 hours

 

Every Sunday: Morning Sunday school and church, AO focus group leader meeting at 5, Focus group at 7 

 

At least every other Monday: Coram Deo for one hour

 

Every Wednesday: Collage meeting at 4, AO at 7:45

 

Weekends: Social/dating life 

 

One Wednesday a month: Go to AO early for Inreach  

 

Approx. three times a month: Meet with mentor

 

Once a month: Meet with Jerel

 

One week out of semester: Grade submissions for Collage 

 

Not to mention substantial time outside of class studying, making videos, eating, and sleeping. 

 

I think this will be my verse this semester...

 

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." -Matthew 26:41 

Yep, that's right... it's that time. It's a week away from school, the big purge day has passed, and I've decided that I really do not want to be in one of the classes I am currently registered for. I bought the books today but while looking at them in the bookstore I was like, wow, I have no interest in this. It's my Social Psychology of Close Relationships class in case you were wondering.

 

It seems like every semester (with the exception of last semester) I always pick one mediocre class with a mediocre teacher due to judgement lapse, and decide right before school starts back up that  I have no desire to be in there and need to get in another class. The only problem is that any class that does interest me is either taught by someone awful or the time is bad. I really can't move any of my other classes. Well, I could, but I wouldn't be happy with it. With the exception of this one class, I really want to keep my teachers and everything. Nevermind that almost every class is filled... I know I can find my way in there eventually. I just need suggestions.

 

So here's my situation: I'm already taking two EMC classes, including the one next in line and one of my two electives. I'm satisfied with that. I am taking Principles of Marketing. I would take another marketing class, but unfortunately you can't take any other marketing classes until you've had Principles, which I am going to be taking. And then I have Abnormal Psych, which I know I'll love. If I take another psych class, I can complete my minor in it, but I'm not necessarily in a hurry to do it. There are psych classes I am interested in, but they conflict but my current classes. 

 

And then outside of those things, I really have no other interests. The only possibility I have really come up with is the first education class you can take, which would be random but I suppose beneficial. The teacher is Rebecca Watts, whom I don't know anything about, but the time is good. Of course, it's filled up. And I may not like it, since that's not really my thing. I don't mind taking a random class, as long as it's either a liberal arts or science class. And by science I mean social science, since I can't stand science science. And I have to be interested in it. I don't want to take a class about Japanese Landscaping or Abstract Thinking or Chinese Philosophy or  The History of Feminisim or anything else of that nature. Oh, and I need to take 15 hours this semester because next semester I will be getting by butt whooped by Mass Media Law and after that I'll be a senior and probably super busy. Suggestions?

Man, what is my problem? Yesterday I was so excited about what's ahead, and today I'm disappointed again. I think the problem is I expect too much out of people. I hold people to the same standard as I hold myself, which is perfection. Thus, I often end up disappointed in myself and in others. I don't want to live that way. I need to realize we are all human beings just trying to work this life out. And I have yet to figure out why there are certain people that I am continually hoping will want to become closer to me only to realize... well... they don't. I guess that's what I get for liking people so much... facing rejection when they don't want to broaden their circle of friends and include me. But whatever. I'm growing more and more thankful each day for those closest to me, and I'm excited about new friendships I am developing.

 

 I'm also a little excited about school... well... I'm excited about Single Cam and my Intro to Motion Pictures class. I'm a little excited about marketing because I'm curious. I'm actually not excited about my psych classes at all, but this is largely due to the fact that I don't know if I have any friends in those classes. Of course, as far as I know I don't have any friends in marketing, but I'm ok with that. But I don't know what the deal with psych is... I mean, I'm very interested in the classes I chose, especially Abnormal Psych. I mean, come on, I was itching to watch A Beautiful Mind last night with my frineds. But I guess I'll get into the swing of it once school starts up. I hope I can handle 15 hours again. I haven't done that in a full year and am hoping I can juggle that, work, focus group responsibilities, AO, a relationship, and a social life... 

 

In other news, the music in High School Musical 2 is amazing. Yes, I totally watched the premiere tonight! The story was really lame, but then again the first one was pretty lame too, but the music was incredible!

 

Also, we have Mamaw settled in a nursing home. She's confused of course, so prayer for her is appreciated.  

 

Anyhow, I'm not generally big on posting song lyrics (despite my post before last) and especially not for a whole song, but I really like this song by Switchfoot, but then again, I like all their songs... Anyhow, it's from their first album from way back in the day and called "Life and Love and Why":

 

Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that
I ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give me a reason
For life and for death
A reason for drowning
While I hold my breath
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for

Could it be true
Can life be new
Could it be all that I am
Is in You
Could it be this
Could it be bliss
Can it be You
Can it be You

Emo. I promise. I know it may sound like it from my lastest thoughts/blogs/notes, but I really am ok. I am sensitive by nature, but I'm also pretty strong. It's just nice to write down some of what's going through my mind... 

 

I'm heading of to the AO leadership retreat tomorrow and will be back some time Thursday.

When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

 

-Coldplay, "Fix You" 

 

Thanks for those who have been encouraging me... I am standing strong on Romans 8:28, and I am thankful for the small things... the grandfatherly old man who talked to me yesterday in Dillard's who made me miss my own grandfathers and yet still brought joy to my heart...

 

Please continue to pray for Mamaw. We've told her about Papaw's death twice now and probably won't anymore because she just keeps forgetting things and lives in a constant state of confusion. With the help of a doctor, we are hoping to get her in a nursing home by the end of the week.

 

I have a burden on my heart, and this week I feel I'm going to have to share it with a group people... I just hope it goes well...  I don't want to get specific right now, but just pray for wisdom and discerenment.

 

And let me know if I can pray for you. Seriously. Because I'm trying to honestly pray for others now. Or if you just need to talk... I'm here... because I love you. Deeply.