Twenty-going-on-twenty-one is an interesting time of life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm halfway through college, less than two years away from "the real world". Maybe it has something to do with the fact that so many of my friends are engaged or married. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have close friends in their mid-twenties. Maybe it's knowing that those "B.S." classes are long gone and it's time to get serious. Maybe it's realizing that in my twenty years I've experienced a lot but there's a lot more I want to experience in the next twenty years before I look back and say, "What have I done with life now that it's halfway over?". Maybe it has something to do with the deaths of two loved ones this summer. Maybe I am just rapidly growing up while still being entrapped in a school setting and a still somewhat adolescent mind. I think it may be all of the above.

This semester is extremely uncomfortable. With the exception of the tight-knit family of Single Cam (as much as Michael Johnson scares me, at least I have the suport of the other 20 students in the class), I don't feel free to speak up in any of my classes. Last semester I felt extremely comfortable in my classes (maybe with the exception of one class). I feel more insecure and less confident, though I still believe very much in myself and probably have a much stronger support system of friends now than I ever have before. 

I don't really feel too much like me these days. I don't think I have a problem though. I'm not depressed. I'm just different. Not my personality, not my interests, not my ambitions, and not much else... really, just the degree of my circumstances. I think I am in an age of uncertainty. I'm certain I'm in the right major, the right minor(s), the right school, have the right friends, etc. I'm certain of my faith. I'm certain of my beliefs (be they theological, political, or whatever). I am not even sure if I am uncertain of anything in particular... I think I'm just suffering from an emerging adulthood crisis. I feel like I'm supposed to be out of my own, have money, be working, and married. Is that crazy?! I'm not ready for any of that (well, the latter two, not quite yet) but the time is coming (very soon)! 

I see myelf becoming more willing to take responsibility. Friday morning I sent a letter to the editor of the campus newspaper about a completely whacked out editorial based on complete fiction about where I work, and it was published in today's edition. I felt a little apprehensive about it at first, but the praise I have received for what I did is affirmation that it was right. Sometimes you have to take chances. It may not be the popular choice, but as the Fray so eloquently puts it, "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same". 

So all this rambling just to say I feel different, and almost uncertain, but for no obvious reason. But I really think it's because a lot of things are changing in my life in regards to family (deaths), friends (new ones), work (new system), and school (a different level in my classes). And just like every other new stage of life, I will just have to learn to adjust and adapt. I guess I just never thought this would be one of those times. It just goes to show we never know what's right arond the corner.