I'm really sorry about yesterday.  I wasbeing a whiney little emo bitch.  I am over that and will try to never go back to that again.  Today is my birthday, YAY!!!!.  I'M LEGAL.  I bought some movies the other night after work.  I got Donnie Darko, Corpse Bride, Invader Zim Vol. 2, Constantine, and Fritz the Cat.  I haven't even gotten to watch them yet because of work.  I am gonna have fun tomorrow night, no matter what happens.  It will be great.  I am glad we got two extra hours outta school this morning, I actually got to catch up on my sleep.  If my grandmother gets me that bass I asked for then I'm going to give away my old one to the first person who asks for it.  I won't need it.  So if you see me, wish me Happy Birthday.

I'm done.  I'm through with worrying.  I am going to take Christina's advice and just forget about it.  I will have fun by myself.  If that's what it takes.  She doesn't want to talk to me, fine.  I'm ok with it.  She can do what she wishes.  I just wish I hadn't given my heart so freely.

I hate being here.  I can't stop thinking about it over and over.  I am thinking about canceling my plans for my birthday.  It really has no meaning to me now.  I thought things were different.  But oh well.  That's life and it sucks most of the time.

I am really upset with myself.  I feel like I'm becoming too clingy.  I feel as though I'm smothering Jen and we're not even dating.  It has to stop.  I am going to stop.  No matter what.  I don't want to freak her out and ruin any chance I might have with her.  Though I don't know how much of a chance that might be.

Everything just got messed up at Krystal with Lee quitting.  He was the 3rd shift manager.  And now all the other managers have to compensate for his departure.  I am going to see if I can get a promotion out of all this confusion.  Maybe.... 

I'm really sorry for the things I've done to everyone.  I can't help but be reminded of it constantly when I'm alone.  I'm sorry, Jen.  I really want you to like me and I'm fucking it all up.  I will fix it.

P.S.  I really like this song.  It comes on the radio at work alot.

"Geek In The Pink" - Jason Mraz

[Record scratching sounds]
[Rapper] Yo, brother A to Z
[Mraz] Yo, whassup B?
[Rapper] Yo, what time is it?
[Mraz] Haha it's laundry day

Well, let the geek in the pink take a stab at it
If you like the way I'm thinkin' baby wink at it
I may be skinny at times but I'm fat fulla rhymes
Pass me the mic and I'm a grab at it
Well, isn't it delicious, crazy way that I'm kissin'
'Cause baby listen to this, don't wanna miss it while it's hittin'
Sometimes you gotta fit in to get in
But don't ever quit cause soon I'm gonna let you in but see

I don't care what she might think about me
You can vibe without me if you want
I could be the one to take her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be a let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge me by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Like the geek in the pink
Like the geek in the pink, pink, pink
The geek in the pink, yeah

Well this relationship fodder don't mean to bother nobody
But Cupid's automatic musta fired multiple shots at her
Because she fall in love too often that's what the matter
At least I talk about it keep a pattern of flattery and
She was starin' through the doorframe
Eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend
Well she can get her toys outta the drawer then
Cause I ain't comin' home I don't need that attention, see

I don't care what she might think about me
You'll get by without me if she wants
I could be the one to take her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be the let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Hey baby look at me go
From zero to hero
You better take it from a geek like me
I can save you from unoriginal dum-dums
Who wouldn't care if you com...plete him or not

So what I've got a short attention span
A coke in my hand
Because I'd rather have the afternoon, relax and understand
My hip hop and flip-flops it don't stop with the light rock
A shot to mock you kinda puts me in the tight spot
The hype is nothing more than hoo-ha so I'm
Developing a language and I'm callin' it my own
So take a peek into the speaker and you'll see what I mean
That on the other side the grass is greener

I don't care what she might think about me
You'll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you/her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be the let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out/on
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Like the geek in the pink
Well, I'm the geek in the pink, yo pink pink
Geek is the color for fall, I'm the geek in the pink yeah
So I'm the geek yo, in the pink yo.
Hahah, y'all geek is the new color for fall
I'm the geek in the pink

Well my work week is finally over.  I'm completely worn out from it all.  I've been going through a range of emotions lately and don't know exactly which ones to trust.  I've fallen in love with a girl but have no idea if it is returned.  I'm angry at the entire school for bothering me.  I'm a little worried about my birthday next week.  I'm upset cause I can't get a damn thing done.  I guess I'm just going to have to work this out.  My birthday is next Thursday for anybody that really cares.  I'm gonna be 18 and what a happy day. (Actually the happy day will be Friday cause I get to spend it all night with Jen).  I wrote a poem last night at work.  It is really a rough draft but I'm gonna put it anyway.

Though we are a world apart,
I want you to know you own my heart,
I never knew what happiness could be,
I can only wish that you love me.

Let's lay in a field and watch the stars go by,
If I'm with you my soul soars through the sky,
Holding you close and not letting go,
I just hope our love has a chance to unfold.

I didn't get to talk to Jen last night.  And I didn't feel like getting up early for school today.  I got here in the middle of 2nd period.  I really want to see Jen and hold her in my arms.  Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get to see her Sunday.  I don't know.  Maybe.....

Please Don't Let It Go

We're drifting apart
But I want you to know
Wherever you are I belong
Love's singing our song
But we fail to sing along
Wherever you go I will follow

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you don't let it I won't let it go

You try to be strong
But you're always so alone
Whatever I do I do it wrong
Death sings our song
And we eagerly sing along
Whatever you do I adore
I adore

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
Oh no

Don't let go of life
Let go of love
Let go of all we have

So don't let go of trust
Let go of lust
Let go of all we share
All we share

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you don't let it I won't let it go

So please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
Hey my darling
Please don't let it
Please don't let it go
'Cause if you won't let it I won't let it go
Oh no

To Jen.  I am still in awe.

I have found love again.  I wasn't looking for it.  It just stumbled across my path.  Jennifer Cage.  I was seriously checking her back for her scars where her wings used to be.  It took me awhile to find her house last night because I can't read my own damn writing.  But once I did, I was in heaven.  I have honestly never been this happy.  And we aren't even dating.

Beautiful

Just one look into your eyes
One look and I'm crying
'Cause you're so beautiful

Just one kiss and I'm alive
One kiss and I'm ready to die
'Cause you're so beautiful

Just one touch and I'm on fire
One touch and I'm crying
'Cause you're so beautiful

Just one smile and I'm wild
One smile and I'm ready to die
'Cause you're so beautiful

Oh and you're so beautiful
My darling
Oh you're so beautiful
You're so beautiful
Oh my baby
You're so beautiful
And you're so beautiful
Oh my darling
Oh my baby
And you're so beautiful

P.S.  Update on the tattoo.  It's no longer just the tombstone.  It has evolved into a full-blown sleeve with all the major characters in it on a gray wash outline of the town.  This is going to be freaking awesome and I'm going to get a winged heartagram on the back of my left hand.

So work was hell last night.  From 4:30 to about 9 something we were in constant motion.  No break.  No rest.  There was over 120 Krystals on the screen at once.  I made 48 Krystals in 3 minutes.  (I timed myself).  I got to take that hat back today and then I'm going to see Jen at work.  I would like her to go see Underworld with me but she has to work all weekend.  I wish that my teachers' would stop marking me absent.  I was actually at school yesterday but still they called my house and said I wasn't.  I was pissed when my grandmother woke me up with that at 8 this morning.  I bought the best movie in the world on Thursday.  "The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat".  It's from the 70's.  It's about a cat who hates his life and escapes it by smoking "cat-nip" and revisiting his other nine lives.  I used to watch it when I was a kid all the time.  I might go buy Labyrinth, Joe's Apartment and Rocky Horror Picture Show today too.  It depends.  I am so tired....  And my grand mother actually suggested I go in to work today........

"Staring At The Sun"

Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way
Everyone's around but no one does a damn thing
It brings me down, but I won't let them

If I seem bleak, well you'd be correct
And if I don't speak, it's cause I get disconnected
But I won't be burned by the reflection
Of the fire in your eyes

As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun
As you're staring at the sun

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away
There's more to living than only surviving
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

Though you hear me, I don't think that you relate
My will is something that you can't confiscate
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated
By destruction in your eyes

As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away
There's more to living than only surviving
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

Though you hear me, I don't think that you relate
My will is something that you can't confiscate
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated
By destruction in your eyes

As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)

Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way
Everyone's around but no one does a damn thing
It brings me down, but I won't let them

If I seem bleak, well you'd be correct
And if I don't speak, it's cause I get disconnected
But I won't be burned by the reflection
Of the fire in your eyes

As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun (oh whoa oh oh)
As you're staring at the sun
As you're staring at the sun

"Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)"

Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly
For a white guy.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

You know it's kind of hard
Just to get along today.
Our subject isn't cool,
But he fakes it anyway.
He may not have a clue;
And he may not have style.
But everything he lacks
Well he makes up in denial.

So don't debate, a player straight
You know he really doesn't get it anyway.
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real.
For you no way, for you no way.
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate.
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake.
The world needs wannabe's.
So (Hey! Hey!) do that brand new thing.

Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly
For a white guy.

He needs some cool tunes
Not just any will suffice.
But they didn't have Ice Cube
So he bought Vanilla Ice.
Now cruising in his Pinto, he sees homies as he pass.
But if he looks twice
They're gonna kick his lily ass.

So don't debate, a player straight
You know he really doesn't get it anyway.
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real.
For you no way, for you no way.
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate.
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake.
The world loves wannabe's.
So (Hey! Hey!) do that brand new thing

Now he's getting a tattoo.
Yeah he's gettin' ink done.
He asked for a '13', but they drew a '31'.
Friends say he's trying too hard
And he's not quite hip.
But in his own mind
He's the, he's the dopest trip.

Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Give it to me baby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

So don't debate, a player straight
You know he really doesn't get it anyway.
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real.
For you no way, for you no way.
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate.
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake.
The world needs wannabe's.
Oh the world loves wannabe's.
So let's get some more wannabe's.
And (Hey! Hey!) do that brand new thing.

"She's Got Issues"

I'm seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind
Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind
She talks about closure and that validation bit
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit

Oh man she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay
She thinks she's the victim
Yeah

Now I know she'll feel abandoned
If I don't stay over late
And I know she's afraid to commit
But it's only our second date

Oh man she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay
She says she's the victim
But she takes it all out on me

I don't know why you're messed up
I don't know why your whole life is a chore
Just do me a favor
And check your baggage at the door

Now she talks about her ex nonstop, but I don't mind
But when she calls out his name in bed
That's where I draw the line
You told me a hundred times how your father left and he's gone
But I wish you wouldn't call me daddy
When we're gettin' it on

Oh man she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay
She's playing the victim
And taking it all out on me
My god she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay

If you think I'm controlling
Then why do you follow me around
If you're not co-dependent
Then why do you let others drag you down

I don't know why you're messed up
I don't know why your whole life is a chore
Just do me a favor
And check your baggage at the door

Work sucked last night.  The moniters that display the orders are out to kill me.  I ran into the one over the grills yesterday and cut my head open.  I bled, I BLED!!!  It hurt alot.  I wanted to go home but there was only three people working last night so that was impossible.  I might go see Underworld: Evolutions tonight but I might not too.  I might just go home and read.  I got my contacts today.  Which means I'll at least look a little better.  I'm really tired today.  In a bit I'm just gonna go home and lay down, after I get some food.  Maybe I'll go to Hastings or something.  I'm not entirely sure about anything today.  Oh word of advice, never eat McDonald's bacon cheeseburgers.  They are right disgusting.

Well I got two days of OSS.  I didn't want to do my ISS day so I didn't go and they gave me OSS and an extra day of it too.  So I slept in late and came to the library.  If I could find that damn receipt I would take back that hat.  Grr.  I'll have to ask my grandmother where it is.  I am going to go somewhere today before work.  But I don't know where.  Maybe the dam.  I don't want sex.  I don't want lust.  I just want to be loved.  Is that so fucking hard to find?  If I can't find a date for Prom before Febuary 23rd., then I am gonna go by myself.  I will be dressed in red and black or purple and black.  Not sure yet.

Vampire Heart

You can't escape the wrath of my heart
Beating to your funeral song
All faith is lust for hell regained
And love dust in the hands of shame

Let me bleed you this song of my heart deformed
And lead you along this path in the dark
Where I belong until I feel your warmth

Hold me like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me like you loved the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart

I am the thorns in every rose, you've been sent by hope
I am the nightmare waking you up from the dream of a dream of love

Let me weep you this poem as heaven's gates close
And paint you my soul scarred and alone
Waiting for your kiss to take me back home

Hold me like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me like you loved the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart

Rip Out The Wings Of A Butterfly

Heaven ablaze in your eyes
We're standing still in time
The blood on our hands is the wine
We offer as sacrifice

Come on and show them your love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul, my love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul

This endless mercy mile
We're crawling side by side
With hell freezing over in our eyes
Gods kneel before our crime

Come on and show them your love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul, my love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul

I went and got my H.I.M. shirt yesterday.  I really like it.  I am going to take back the Fullmetal Alchemist hat I bought cause it looks funny on me.  I skipped school today to avoid ISS because it is so boring.  I am going to just ask for OSS instead.  Anybody want to go see Underworld: Evolutions with me on Thursday?  I'll pay.  I have been listening to H.I.M. non-stop since I bought the cds.  Valo's voice is just freaking awesome.  My birthday is in 17 days.  I think I am going to get a hotel room for myself.  And just sleep there all night.  If anyone wants to come to that you need to tell me soon.  I still need ideas for my hair......

The Face Of God - H.I.M.

I'm drained but aching for more
And the devil inside is reading
The words of the saddest poem
To be engraved on the stone on my grave

I'd kill to share your pain
And sell my soul for you just to say:

"I dream what you're dreaming
And feel what you're feeling
Love's the shadow on our wall
With the face of God"

Nothing will be enough
For the ones who keep on stumbling
In the garden of withering trust
Without the courage to leave

I'd take my life for your kiss
And lose it all to take you across the abyss

I dream what you're dreaming
And feel what you're feeling
Love's the shadow on our wall
With the face of God

I hate conciousness.  It always hurts.  I want to go back to sleep.  I am going shopping today and am getting my contacts next Thursday.  I am also going to cut my hair in some way but am not quite sure how yet.  How do you prove you won't hurt someone when they won't give you a chance?  Molly doesn't want a relationship because of the pain of her last one.  But I don't know how to make her understand that I won't do that to her.  She is just too awesome to do that to.  I have to explain it to her somehow.

Man, things are getting better for me.  I am now completely over Trish.  I have found a potential girlfriend in Molly.  She is pretty much the most awesome girl I have ever met.  We share so much in common.  We talked for two hours last night after I got off of work.  The greatest thing about her is that she has a car.  So now I can actually see her instead of sneaking off at school or to the library.  I can actually go to the movies with her.  I am not going to, in any way, screw this up.  I have learned from the mistakes of my past relationships.  Life is going good.  I think God found a new plaything.  I am now going to post exclusively on this site.  I am done with xanga and it's stupid masses.  Jeez, Molly is gorgeous.

So yesterday I went and saw Tristan & Isolde.  It was a great movie.  Didn't break down like I thought I was going to.  I just miss her so much.  And now she tortures me by sitting across from me.  I'm sorry I haven't moved on like you have.  I can't just forget all of the things I felt for you in a single day.  Well, I can't be mad at her, I am the one who fucked everything up.  I ruined our relationship.  There is not a thing in the worl I wouldn't do or give to have her back.  But that will never be....

I'm finally giving up my little vow against drugs and alcohol.  Saturday, I am going to get so wasted at Ryan's.  So wasted in fact, that I forget about everything that has happened lately.  And if I can get the money by tomorrow, I will be getting my first tattoo on Saturday.  It's going to be Jack Skellington's tombstone on the underside of my right forearm.  I need to go out and have a little fun.  This will be a nice change.

Man, everyone is just a facade.  Telling you one thing and doing another.  I hate most everyone.  I hate lies.  I guess feelings don't mean a damn thing in this day and age.  I'm not sure I can trust anyone anymore.  All I see and hear are lies.  Fuck dating, fuck females.  I am tired of their shit.  Even if I do date again, I want a bad girl.  One that will sneak out to see me.  That doesn't worry about what her parents say.  I can't stand it when they say that can't go do anything but yet they spend all their time with their friends.  God, I hate immature high school kids.  I so want to get out and meet some mature people that actually have responsiblities, instead of childish worries.  So close and so soon.

Fizzuck, I so need that job.  Well at least I have one promised for me.  After New Years.  Things are freaking wierd now.  It all just feels a little unreal.  Like my vision is covered in Saran Wrap.  Like everythings turned plastic.  Oh well.  I need to stop bitching.  Christmas is coming and I am as unexcited as ever.  I hate staying home.  Maybe I'll find a parking lot and go sleep in my car there.  I have heated seats......