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August 21, 2007

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& that boy; devin.


my stuff.


♥ Moulin Rouge
♥ The Notebook
♥ A Walk to Remember


♥ The Bible

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im a girl just like everybody else. im nothing special, im just another undecided soul floating around looking for her purpose. i have found hope in my Savior, but its hard for me to keep that in mind to fall back on. i was one of those many people so obsessed with the idea of experiencing that rush of love that i became consumed with a totally wrong concept of what love is truly meant to be. one of those people on the great quest to find love but saw it as a lost cause. but then, i met him. the one that gave me that rush, my love. the one who has entered the part of my heart that no one else gets to partake in the joy of receiving. that part is eternally his & i never want it back. i didnt realize that i could ever feel this way about a person, none the less about him in general. i didnt even know that such a feeling existed. its a feeling i cant explain. there isnt a word strong enough in meaning to grasp the depth of this love that burns inside me.

love hurts so good. thats how i put it. its the most amazing, painful, beautiful, unexpected, glorious things God has created. this adventure called love has been & will be the most difficult journey ill ever have to trek in my entire life. its strange how one moment youre on top of the world & the next your as low as heartbreak can get you. ive entrusted my whole heart to someone & its up to them to do what they please with it. he takes good care of my heart most of the time. theres been a few times where hes crushed it, but theres no other person who holds the pieces so well in his hands as he does. hes the perfect fix for it, but also the worst break. sometimes this fear comes over me that hes not responsible enough to handle it, but its already his; i cant get it back. i cant help that fear. im afraid that hell hurt me. im scared hes going to put me through that state of heartbreak again. i cant go back to that place. its hard, & almost impossible to escape. it seems dramatic, but love is dramatic when you think about it. it makes me think that i shouldnt be doing this. but maybe, im just not ready yet. i need to grow to trust him & learn how to love him with my greatest ability. i know i dont love him to my highest extent. i know im capable of being even more in love with him then i already am, but that fear is keeping me from that. i think its too soon to let that fear go, & that means that im guarding my heart. & once hes ready for us, im gonna let that guard down & show him a love hes never seen before. well teach each other things we could only learn from each other, & well be in love.

its just gonna take time.

[don't take this literal. & no, it's not being specific]

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it's three AM & i've been thinking. i think it's late in the night when my mind runs wild & is at it's peak in thoughts.
they say you know you're in love when you don't need your dreams to paint the perfect picture of your ideal love affair because your reality is so much better. well, truth be told, i think i'm in my own kind of real dream world of love.
in my personal opinion, i think there are many different kinds of love. there's love for your families, love for your friends, love for your god, & just plain old love. & also, i can almost break down plain old love into two categories. i think you can fall in love with somebody & it not be true, but it's also love. understand? like, you can fall in love with somebody who isn't your true love. i believe you can only have one true love, & that's your significant other. that one person you belong with; the one you're created to love. & i think you're made to love only them. but sometimes i think we fall in love with not necessarily bad people, but the wrong people. people we're not supposed to spend the rest of our lives with. & that's love, but not true love.
i think it's very important to guard your heart so you can prevent yourself from the heartbreak that may follow as a result of falling in love with the wrong person. every time you fall in love you give the person you love a part of your heart that you will never get back. everyone you love has pieces of your heart that belong to them because you gave them the right to take it from you. so if you find your true love but you have also previously fallen in love with somebody else, it's going to be a tough obstacle to overcome. just think, if you had spent all your life waiting for your one true love & had protected your heart all those years & were ready to give it to someone special, & you got to that point but your significant other can't give you their whole heart because somebody else has already taken it from you. i don't know about you, but i would feel robbed. that's my love, not theirs.
i think it's important to think about these things.
so maybe this love is my true love. maybe it isn't. i'm not sure right now. but i don't think it's always a good thing to be sure this early. i think i'll grow to be sure of what my answer is. & that's okay with me.

i think i'll go to sleep now.
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i've been thinking a lot lately; a lot about love & where i stand with it. i hate the world's view of love. it's distorted & not how it should be. whenever you hear of so & so being "in love", our immediate reaction is "again?", "who isn't","big deal" or sayings of the sort. we should be so extatic & happy for the couple, but love isn't special anymore. it gets on my nerves so bad when couples who don't know what love is start saying their "i love you"'s so fast. we throw love around like it's nothing at all & true love has lost it's value in our lives. we don't even know what love is, & we don't take the time to find the lost meaning of what it really is. love is so amazing. it's this incredible rush feeling that spreads throughout your body continually & never leaves you. it's that feeling of when your significant other walks into the room & your stomach drops to the floor. it's that smile that instantly spreads across your face when you see your best friend is doing something that makes them happy. it's that feeling you try to put in words, but no word or meaning could possibly convey that very spark we have in our hearts when we express our love towards each other. it's unexplainable, undeniable, & undescribable. love is a touchy subject, but i think it's safe to say that i've experienced it firsthand.

this is why i am so in love with the spill canvas. their lyrics aren't just those cliche lines you hear all the time. they took the time to pick apart their feelings & put them into these wonderful lyrics that leave me breathless.

i can't wait 'til their concert.

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"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"

yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion.
you see, the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
no matter how unbearable this misery gets.
i would be lying if i said things would never get rough,
& all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough.
i could stand here all night trying to convince you,
but what good would that do?

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life is good

i dont necessarily think one person can change another. i mean sure, you can have a huge impact on their life & be an influence, but i think its ultimately their choice whether or not they act on it. that choice is theirs, not your own, so really, in my opinion, its not your fault if that person changes because of your actions. it was their decision, so they did the changing themselves. all you did was be that influence that changed their minds. so i guess i see where people think that you can change a person, but i actually dont think you can.

everythings falling back into place. i think its kinda neat how things can be so bad & seem irreplaceable & permanently broken, but then at just the right times, everything falls back into the same rhythm it was before. its times like these that make me enjoy life the most. i love where i am with life right now. i mean. my friends are great. i'm beginning to understand God more & more. in the relationship department, sure i'm single, but for once, im actually enjoying it. im not ready for another relationship yet, & ive finally discovered what i want. i know what i want, & im not gonna waste my time with anything other than that. im just waiting. im accepting what ive been given, & its a great feeling.

i think everybody needs friends like i do. they all teach me something different. they teach me things i need to know, & help me grow to be the person im supposed to be. im incredibly blessed. thank you Jesus for everything i have. im so grateful.

love, peace, & chicken grease.=]

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34 total entries
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