Our deepest fear is that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?"  Actually, who are you not to be?  YOur playing small doesn't serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you.  We are born to manifest the glory within us... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. 

Today i have realized jsut what exactly is going on in this house i call home.  Is there such a thing as too much love. ? Too much to where discipline and respect are thrown to the dogs and feelings of guilt replace them.  Is it love that makes  my parents not even try anymore?.  Or are they jsut so tired of it?.  So tired of what they have let carry on in this house for so long that they dont even want to deal with it??.  Is it better to let it continue than to put all energy into trying to start over and fix it. ?  Surely it is. Maybe i dont have the drive to help.  If it was to happen im sure i could find it in my self some where though.

This is going to be a really bad day.  At least the school day will be.

  I am soo tired.  i worked seven hours last night for my mom.  Open Bar wedding...  We dont hate Gail anymore, we found that out.  yeah.. she is a huge bitch, but she has to be.  And we're in no position to put judgement on someone just because they're a bitch...   ;)

not only am i tired, but i have 5 front back worksheets due  in Chem next period... Fuck i wish i was driven.  Wish that i cared...

So Bekah leaves on Monday... at like 4 am.  I am going to miss her terribley ...  My best friend leaving me for 5 months.  again ill be the only sane one living at the Luhrs House.  talking to my mom about things she shouldn't have to hear. just becuase bekah isn't there to take it instead.

The saddest songs are the happiest

the hardest truths are the easiest

put us bothf to the test

and tell me if you still need me

and i will swallow these words and see if i can still believe

The biggest lies are the little ones

when the look in your eyes is the distant one

angel or demon? you know that they can share the same bed

i've lain awake so long i've got them both inside my  head

This is what ill remember most about dying

for many moments life goes slipping through my hands

in vain

you were 80% angel 10% demon the rest is hard to explain

This American Dream maybe poisonous,

violence is contagious

crowded or empty. i walk these city streets alone

who ever brought me here is gonna have to take me home

This is what ill remember most about dying

This week has been HELL...

so much bloody homework... I welcome next monday, Just so i can start over.

So i've realized this week through all of this work... just how much time i have in one day... 24 Hours.. its not a lot but it is definetly enough.. Yet i dont use it wisely at all..

I slip yet agian into procrastinating... My life .. My calling..  I do ZERO of my work at home because i can not work unless i am under pressure.  I sit in my room and become distracted. Even if i was to sit in and empty room and do my home work  i think i would like play with my fingers or some shit..ANYTHING to not do my work.

But then the morning comes... and there is this RUSH... holy shit i have to get 5 sections of Precal done by 3rd period..The pressure is on, and im ready for it..

This is what i live for. those mornings, when my 3.8 GPA is on the line.

When i really dont care any more.. but yet i still do...  I get my 5 sections done.. whether copying or putting my nose to the grind stone and doing it myself.

So i say to myself.. " i will never put it off for this long ever again"  i kno i am lying to myself though... b/c i cant' not do it at the last minute.. It is my habit my addiction...  And it has never failed me yet.

I've yet to make a "C" in  a high school course.

i have not completed any of my model UN work

NONE

School

Model UN

Nothing

well it goes like this the fourth the fifth

the minor fall and the major lift

the baffeled king composing Hallelujah...

well remember when i moved in you

and the holy dove was moving too

and every breath we drew was hallelujah...

     This is most definetly my new favorite song.  Jeff Buckly.. i love his use of Hallelujah, b/c it isn't in the way of Worship.  He uses it to describe strong emotion, which ever one it may be.. its amazing.

alas my sister is leaving in the morning...

for three weeks .. when i was thinking i had her for 5 more...

she'll come back for two weeks and then leave to Korea for about 6 months... i honestly dont know how ill survive...

i cant wait for this night to get started...

a brand new year... all for me...

and you..

:D

i dont think i've ever loved life quite as much as i do right now..
i dont know where i've gotten such a zest for life.
no things aren't going my way
no i haven't found faith
no i dont have a perfect home life.
no i dont have love
no i dont have fame or fortune
no i dont have a million new tings from christmas..

however i do have
my sister
my GG
my Josef
my MOm'
music
books
peace
power

what more could i possibly need..

josef said his dad said that good things come to those who wait... whhile josef my disagree.
i've waited for years to be at peace with myself and what i have in this life..

im not a good person and i dont deserve this..... but i sure as fcuk can WAIT...

all the hype and histeria... over gifts and religion and family...

however i  never get in the spirit anymore. not since i was little and even then it was for all the wrong reasons.  Presents...

I think one person has it right this holiday season.  Sarah Hayley. One of the girls that bekah goes to school with in Maryville Tennessee.  She is neither giving or accepting gifts this year.. no exception. As a protest to the corprate Christmas. 

christmas is lame overrated superficial and hypocritical.. People act like they care about others at christmas time but every other day of they year they dont give a fucking shit.

Maybe i'll find a christmas worth celebrating this year.

I felt my world almost collapse today.
i cant remember the last time i cried... yet today i haven't been able to stop

I guess the thought of losing my best friend overwhelmed me.
I cant describe how sick my stomache felt all day after seeing her like that. It breaks my heart to see GG cry because of something i've done.

yet it had to be done.. it would have been done sooner or later. I think we both knew that deep down..

the thread that first bound us is no longer holding us together. But its ok, because we built on it these past 3 years and stronger ones are in place to take care of the one that is no longer there.

I feel like total SHIT but then i also feel completely FREE...like a huge weight has been lifted off of me and now i can't wait to spreadd my wings and see where they take me.

Today i also realized how great of friends i have... Josef, Cindy, Chante, Christian, Heather, Jennifer,Malory and even Allen. I'm happy that i have the support that i needed so desperatly.

My MOther is Amazing...

Hope like Hell we wont have school tomorrow.

to want
to covet
to drool over
to hope for
i realize now
for the first time in this life
what it is that i wish i had more than
ANYTHING
i want to be happy
really truly happy
and content
with having absolutely
NOTHING at all...

was he right or what???

life blows right about now... we should fix it.

Gutters full of Rain by David Gray