I used to know this woman who had the most beautiful
tattoos on the top sides of both of her hands
she was forty three years old and as far as I know
had never yet been with a man
its not that she wasn't attractive she was beatiful
but its the way that she interacted
she was aggressively passive to the point where she
would of intimidated any mitt that ever tried to catch her
on the right hand she had a tattoo of a nude girl
she claimed it is what God resembled
but on the left she had a mirrored image of the same female
and this one she explained looked like the devil
I remember once watching her touch her own breasts
how the tattoos smiled as they stared down her stomach
as if anticipating would they be allowed to caress
the sweet flower that they both seemed to hunger (sweet flower)
now maybe I was high but it felt so right
heaven and hell both take to this womans womb
it didn't make sense how she could commence
touching herself with me wide awake in the same room
now if I've learned anything in my years (my years)
I learned I no longer believe in surprise (in surprise)
but what happened next damn near stole my tears
the tattoos came alive right in front of my eyes
they both slowly stood up and climbed off her hands
and showed me why she never took some time with a man
they climbed deep inside of this woman's garden
she closed her eyes and she gently bit her bottom lip
I stepped I left and I don't regret leaving
and I'll never forget all the things I saw that evening
a glimpse of religion a piece of coming closer
to understanding more about what intrigues me most
I didn't get turned on I just got turned
I wasn't as aroused as I was concerned
for each one of em I've hurt
and every time I've been burned
I've got a lot to teach but even more to learn
so now I keep my eyes open hoping to take in all I can
about Woman taking in all she can
and for as long as I breath i'll save a seat in my memory
for that woman with the tattooed hands

There's good and evil in each individual fire
identifies needs and feeds our desires
as long as we keep our spirit inspired
she can bite her bottom lip all she wants

  Astrid and Paul

What senile man said that change was terrible?   Because i garuntee that  i could convince him otherwise.   :D  With out a doubt.  

He won't be able to eat his words fast enough.

Few have ever felt so pursued.  Sometimes we wonder if we've ever been noticed.  Father was too busy to come to our games or perhaps he jumped ship alltogher.  Mother was lost in a never ending pile of laundry or, more recently, in her own career.  We come into the world longing to be special to someone and from the start we are dissapointed.  It is  a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself.  Can you recall a time when a significant someone in your life sat you down with the sole purpose of wanting to know your heart more deeply, fully expecting to enjoy what he found there?  More people have climbed Mt. Everest than have experienced real pursuit, and so what are we left to conclude?  There is nothing in our hearts worth knowing.  Whoever and whatever this mystery we call I  must be, it cannot be much.

"In fact", we continue, "if I am not pursued, it must because there is something wrong with me, something dark and twisted inside."  We long to be known, and we fear it like nothing else.  Most people live in subtle dread that one day they will be discovered for who they really are and the world will be appalled.

WEll last time we guessed songs..

so this time well guesss movies...

1.

you name it.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

9.

happy guessing freakazoids.

8.

1. On your current playlist, put it on shuffle and pick the first thirty songs that come up, no matter how embarrassing.
2. Write down the first one or two lines from each song.
3. Have your friends comment and see if they know any of the songs - no cheating!  No Google!
4. When someone guesses correctly, bold the line and add at the end of the name of the song.  Bold and indent when the artist has also been guessed and write it at the end of the line also.

1.  i see no changes. wake up in the morning and i ask my self , is life worth living or should i blast myself?

2. baby i love you and ill never let you go but if u hve to boy i think that u should all the love we made will never be replaced.

3. its hard to remember how it felt before, now i found the love of my life

4. i thought that we'd be further in love by now, dont remember how, we stumbled to this place.

5. i still hear you voice when you sleep next to me

6. last night i had a dream about you, and in this dream im dancing right beside you.  and it looked like evveryone was having fun

7. buy it , use it, break it, fix it, trash it change it, melt, upgrade it. charge it, font it, zoom it, pres it, snap it, work it, quick erase it.

8.  breathe in for luck breath in so deep this air is blessed. you share with me

9. please leave all overcoats, canes, and top hats with the door man, from that moment youll be out of place and underdressed.

10. city's falling down on a camel's back.

11. puff the magic dragon lived by the sea

12. travelling somewhere. could be anywhere, theres a coolness in the air, but i dont care. 

13.sitting here watching the lights change, i wonder if you'll ever come my way.

14. christmas christmas time is near time for toys and time for cheer

15. well i heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the lord.

 

you sought attention in your town

you threw your morals to the ground

you told me that you did not care

your touch was more than i could bare

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

hands intangled in my hair

you lead me quickly to you lair

in the lightness of the day

you catch my eye and then looked away

what a chilling remark you made

when you threw it all away

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my love's worth seeking

my body's all that you aspire

for what's inside theres no desire

i cant live with how you feel

while my innocence you steal.

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

if you wake up alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

you sought attention in your town

you threw your morals to the ground

you told me that you did not care

your touch was more than i could bare

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

hands intangled in my hair

you lead me quickly to you lair

in the lightness of the day

you catch my eye and then looked away

what a chilling remark you made

when you threw it all away

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my love's worth seeking

my body's all that you aspire

for what's inside theres no desire

i cant live with how you feel

while my innocence you steal.

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

if you wake up alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

Gosh I love you Jenn! And I miss cuddling with you in
your huge bed and dancing to Disney songs with you
,and Indian poker, and making fun of bell, and
watching sex and the city, and talking to you, and
going to church with you (haha), and watching you act
mentally retarted, and playing darts, and playing lord
of the rings/starwars and coffee, and tubgirl, and
tequila.

how do you not just LOVE her???  Reading that made me the happiest i've been in a long ass time...

So spring break was amazing... as it always is.  and now i've been thrown back into the slew of long school days of feigning interest and even longer nights of no sleep.

royal suckage.  2 weeks would defenitly be preferable to one. however i realize that this pattern would only continue to grow and a year later we will be begging for 3 weeks.. where as we might as well be inrolled in a year round school... which would be even worse of a hell.  So here it is... I am thankful for my one week of spring break .. :D... remember this moment

interesting things have been happening.... im thinking they'll just get even more interesting.  Which i am very keen on experiencing.

oh wish my life lots of luck....

"do you believe in God?  Because if you do, you cannot believe in life."

Because there are things in men, in the best of us, which are above all states, above all collectives!  Do you ask:  What things?  Man's mind and his values.  Look at yourself, honostly and fearlessly.  Look and dont tell me, dont tell anyone, jsut tell yourself:  what are you living for? Aren't you living for yourself and only for yourself?  Call it your aim, your love, your cause-- isn't it still your cause?  Give your life, die for your ideal--isn't it still your ideal?  Every honest man lives for himself.  The one who doesn't-- doesn't live at all.  You cannot change it.  YOu cannot change it because thats the way man is born, alone, complete, and an end in himself.  No laws, no Party, no GPU will ever kill that thing in man which knows how to say "I".  YOu cannot enslave man's mind, you can only destroy it.  You have tried.  Now look at what your getting.  Look at those whom you allow to triumph.  Deny the best and men-- and see what will survive.  Do we want the crippled, creeping, crawling, broken monstrosities that we're producing?  Are we not castrating life in order to perpetuate it?

from We the Living.

SO....... Spring Break.!  Its been pretty fun so far..

spending time with  Josef

and GG

but alas... it is almost over.  and school will resume on Monday.. ew.

Beks is still gone, and i still miss her terribly

but im hanging in there i know how much fun she is havingand that i am being selfish for wanting her back home. even though if she was here she would be in Maryville and not with me anyways... so oh well

i love her regardless

Travelling somewhere... could be anywhere

there's a coldness in the air

but i dont care

we drift deeper, life goes on

we drift deeper... into the sound

for more days... till spring break..

this week is already proving hell...

and well.. thats all

When i move you...

just like that.

So in light of vacation this summer and who to invite... I realized today , that hardly any of my friends are GIRLS...  yes i have 100s of friends at school who are girls.. but very few that im really close too..

guys are a different story.. i've got too many guy friends..

Josef says that girls dont like me b/c i am a slut.  Allen says because i am a Dyke.  neither of these are true.. (i hope) 

So then why is it that i find girls incredibly hard to get along with. ?   females in general are vain and flat.  A horrible thing to say i kno... especially coming from me, as i am a big on equality for the sexes..  But at oakland girls care about what is on their heads... not what is in them.  They over react and love to cause drama.  Girls are for the most part less perverse than males...  I am a VERY perverse person and i think this has a lot to do with why very few females seek my friendship.. I have a horrible and sick twisted sense of humor ( that i wouldn't trade for anything) and  a mind set that will not let me settle for a lesser conversation when i know where to find a better one. 

I am NOT  a tom boy.. i care about what i look like to an extent, but appearance is not my life style and it never will be.  Im soo fucking sorry that i dont want to sit and talk about where i got every article of clothing on my body and how much i spent on each peice and who i was with when i bought it and what that person said about how cute it is.  ..  so sorry that i find othere things more entertaining and worthy of my oppinion.

dont get me wrong here.  There are a lot of girls who are not like this, and that i like very much.  But girls are mean...  mean mean mean... 

and guys have jsut always been nicer

7th and 8th grade.. Matt Ward was my best friend.

High School it has been Josef Beal.

Girlfriends come and go.... but the guys take more before they move on.

Rebekah is the same exact way.  the VERY EFFING SAME... this is why she is my ultimate best friend.. but on a scale scale she doesn't really count... b/c she is my sister. my real sister.  We;ve grown up together and in the process grown up almost the same.. not only in behaviour and ideas.. but in apperance also.

Then there is GG.... but she doesn't fit the catagory of a "girl girl"... she still is female and beatiful... but she isn't like the rest of them.  She has the loyalty that you find in guys.  that "i've got your back" shit.. no matter how stupid what you jsut did was...  She is my favorite girl....

so this has been LONG enough i dare say...

later

who else is ready to get the fuck away from this place... even if its only a week..

Spring break has never been so awaited.  and sooo longed for..

ok so my GMA down in West Palm Beach flies one of us kids down every spring break to spend it with her.  And this year is my year.  But after talking to her we've decided to have me visit this summer that way i will be able to spend multiple weeks with her adn my cousin and of course the beach...  : D  :D   :D  this makes me a little too happy..

also I GET TO GO TO HILTON HEAD ONE LAST TIME.... so Papa Fred sold Ocean Palms where we have spent our vacationing time for the past 9 years... :*(    yes it is very sad, b/c it has become a second home.  However... i get to roam the island this one last summer.  yes it will be a different resort.. but i can live with that.  Just to see our westin beach and pool one more time..

AND  i

get to  bring a friend again... so it will be just me and the G-rents ( argh) and hopefully my GG...

this makes me impossibley happy...

You're making a mess

SOmething i cant fix

this time you're on your own

Id make it alright

but i wouldn't get it right

im leavin it alone

FOr crying out loud

cryin' outloud

cryin' out

you're cryin' out

Yeah

You're making a mess

is that what you do best?

Is madness just a hand me down?

It's any one's guess

but i must confess

this performance isn't that profound

Yeah

I'm waiting for the end

waiting to begin again

You're making a mess

something you cant hide

a slow suicide

just one bite at a time

I should love you less

but i can't i guess

only God can save us now

Cryin' out

Yeah

And so is Friday Night

And so is Saturday Night..

THATS RIGHT 3 NIGHTS THIS WEEKEND NOT 2.

can i get a hell yes..

you call to me
and i surrender
my body aches with anticipation
as i bring you to my lips

you enter me and my muscles relax
longing for the energy I am about to receive
I take in more of you
I know you will bring me to my high

i had you yesterday
in the morning
and again after lunch
again before dinner

your surging force is intoxicating
but your effects are temporary
good thing that’s what I like
again and again I take your strength

again and again you leave me spent.

A flame ignites
As blue as sky
Rough and Hard
Not easy to die
But it goes threw wind, breath, and cries
And dwindles down
Red showing signs
It once stood tall
but breath does bend
The heat cools down
The flame now red
Yet still can burn
Still can flame
And now it lingers
Death nearby
Each word, Each breath leaves its sign
Until it dwindles
Until it dies

went to cafe coco last night with Josef and saw some pretty amazing performers..

one in particular. swingset everloving arms was amazingly powerful. made me wish i was gay guy...

it was fun..

so this weekend needs some MORE excitement.

excite me

785 1694

So this past weekend was our first and only model un conference for this year.  We went to UT knoxville.  and road down there on the bus with Siegel.  It was probably the best school related trip that i have ever been on and i've been on quite a few.

as far as the conference goes we were all new (with the exception of Chante' , who in reality doesn't really count) and had no idea of what to expect or what would be expected of us.  Had we done it right we would have had to have done ALOT  of work.  But we didn't do it right. So we did zero work, and had a blast.

i think mr. huffman was a bit disapointed though.

however, it was still a very productive weekend.

For 2 years i have known Jenny Grissom, but have never really known her.  Well i got to and now i must say that she is pretty amazing.

we built a family over the period of this trip.

i will defenitly be going on it again next year.

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JOsef's birthday party at Ejoes

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some of our friends

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josef

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josef's frog.. it jumped

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my mating cranes

and i bet if you stop by ejoes sometime today you'll get to see our petting zoo that we made... cause we left it for everyone to enjoy :D

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and then we played in the snow..

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AND WENT SLEDDING

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pretty sure josef had the best birthday EVER.. :D

You were the hand that i tried to take

youre the decision that i could not make

youre the religion that i... should forsake

you were the story i tried to tell

you were the saviour that tripped and fell

beaautiful dancing infidel

who will guard the door?

when i am sleeping

who will guard the door?

when i am sleeping

im not sleeping

you were the season that would not change

i often was the same

then four horsemen came and

stole my name

who will guard the door?

when i am sleeping

who will guard the door?

when i am sleeping

im not sleeping

i never saw you fall apart

i never saw you work so hard

never saw you need no one

i am my father's son.