There is such a small window of opportunity in which I can really connect with some of my friends. By the time I notice it, it is gone; such moments are never sustained.

It's just hard when you share the same fox-hole in this massive war with brothers who don't, or can't, understand my heart. I don't blame anyone; it's just hard.

And I thought I was done being the silent cynic.

What confirms a friendship for you, personally? And, at the end of things, is your heart satisfied?

Do friends really care for each other? Do [real] dads really exist? It's funny. The proof is there, but I still doubt. I'm like Thomas (the disciple) on emotional steroids.

You know, someone told me that if I don't see what I want displayed in other people, I have to display that trait myself. Too bad I suck at the trait I so desire to see in others (I'm just talking about a few people, not everyone.) Yay...a paradox.

*sigh*

Anyway, I'm pretty excited about my senior year. Four of my teachers I've had before, and I'm on good terms with them. Here's what my year looks like:

French IV Advanced Honors

AP English IV

S1 Psychology Honors/ S2 Business Law 

Virtual Enterprise II honors

Chamber Choir (magically. Didn't see this coming. I tried out at the end of last year, didn't make it, and now Mrs. Gregory says I'm in. Cool. I think?)

and AP Biology.

 Oh, and I finally got a job. Geez, took me all summer. I am now officially employed a Whitt's, the one near Hastings. My first day is tomorrow, and, lucky me, I get to work the busiest hours of the day and on the weekend. It's like they said, "Hey, lets let the greenhorn get completely mauled on the first day!!" lol. Actually, I'm completely pumped about it. I won't be perpetually poor anymore.

Love in its weakest form is an emotion.

A friend told me that I seriously need to update. I've thought about it, but never have. I read the 'new friend entries' thing every couple of days, but I never respond. Since I never respond to others, I expect no response in return; ergo, I never update.

Friendship is an odd thing. I've noticed that perhaps I expect too much from my friends, yet I never really let them in. Or, at least, I haven't recently. The people I thought I was closest to seem really far away, which begs the question, "who's to blame?"

me?

duh.

Ah, the blame game. It has the huge seal of "Worldly Approval" on it. In reality, it's all a bunch of lies. But if someone believes in a lie, doesn't it become their truth?

When was the last time you picked God a flower?

I saw this somewhere...a hurriedly scribbled, yet very purposeful, note:

"...a scab...? My wounds are healing...my tiny scrapes are healed by His lascerations. More, my death, my 'the end', was killed, and I live in His Sacrifice. His blood makes me pure. My Love, my Christ, has Redeemed me. My sin sent Him to the Cross, but He loves me anyway! What kind of power resides in such a Love?"

So, did your heart sing a new song tonight?

Did a new word of prayer leave your lips?

Mexico is only two days away.

Our prayers concerning the trip are vital, but the trip isn't hinged upon our prayers, our strength.

Mexico is hinged upon His Power. The same God who created every star in the sky, who keeps the entire universe intact (what else is it held together by?) has His hand on our going to Mexico.

I had a moment of "I can't do this...too much is riding on this...I'm not ready, not strong enough..." tonight, but my mom said something that made me think: if I was strong enough to do all of this, who would get the glory? God or me?

If we could do this on our own strength, then how would God get the glory? If we could do this on our own strength, it wouldn't even be about Him anymore.

What's the point in that? Woe to me if I am my own strength! If our lives, our Salvation, were in our hands, there's no way we'd ever see the light of Day!

"If we are faithless,

He will remain faithful,

for He cannot disown Himself."

2 Timothy 2:13

"I WIN. Get over it.

P.S...I Love you."

                                                     -GOD

Happiness=a book of sushi recipies for $3.50 at Hastings.

2 doses of Benadryl+5 slices of pizza=a mouth drier than the Sahara

SUSHI!

Today, at least half a dozen people asked if I was okay.

I said no.

They asked why.

I told them that if I knew why, I probably wouldn't be like this.

So, my question to you is this: is it melodrama? Am I just letting my woes trample all over me to get attention?

Or is there something really wrong? Am I really broken? A lot of my friends have been encouraging me through Christ, but I feel like their words have fallen on deaf ears. A lot of people are praying for me, and I wish they wouldn't. I've been silent. I have no heart to pray. Or maybe it's just apathy, and I'm being completely ridiculous. I don't know.

A very close friend told me that "I've got my arm under you, so there's no reason to be lonely anymore..."

To that friend I say that if I am a burden to myself, then if I really called you any time I needed encouragement or whatever, I'd become like an anvil shackled to your ankle.

Loneliness...I sound so pitiful. Maybe I'm really hurting, or maybe I just want pity. I don't know.

I don't know...

Hooray for snow days...too bad I have a paper to write.

By the way, Gambit is a cool X-Man, no doubt, but Phoenix completely blows him out of the water!!

^Famke Janssen looking über kick-butt as Phoenix in X-Men: The Last Stand

Un jour, je conquerai mon décembre. C'est comment je sens maintenant. Il passera.

Man, this is how my relationship with God feels...woefully inadequate.

What is old is getting older, and the Continuity of Monotony reigns.

Or does it?

Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. God blessed us with His Spirit through His Son, right? Doesn't that mean that freedom resides here in my chest?

Have you ever been worshipping, and out of a desire to see no one but Christ, you envision this place: there is the Cross, and there is you. You just sit down in front of it, letting the comfort and joy and freedom that comes with His Sacrifice wash over you and ebb and flow about you, and tears roll down your face as you look up at the Cross, while the sun rises swiftly in the East.

Love.

I want to go there. I don't want me get in the way of my relationship with my One and Only Love, my True Dad in Heaven.

"...And You're covering me with Your majesty. And the truest sign of grace was this: From wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man. But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all. And so this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me making me clean. Glory, halleluja..."

-Lyrics from 'Wholly Yours' by David Crowder

I'm not more special than anyone.

I'm not more unique.

I'm not more loved than anyone, either.

I have nothing new to bring to the table.

And you know what? I think I like it this way.

Captain's log: Stardate- 4.57.01.26.06

So...yeah. I haven't posted in a month of Sundays because of that blasted "Continuity of Monotony."

'seeways...

I've discovered that:

•  I hate sodium nitrate.


• Techno-German Sailor Moon is still cool


• Phoenix is still my favorite X-Man


• Wool socks keep your feet drier that white socks


• having a cell phone is joy


• I like pepper-jack cheese better than cheddar chese.


• The battle music theme to Wonderland in Kingdom Hearts makes me dance like an idiot. And when I say dance like an idiot, I mean even more idiotic than 'The Fall Retreat.'


• Artichokes and chicken taste really good on pizza and  pasta.

and that's about it...

Well, guys, it's been forever and a day since I've last posted on here. I've had no time/energy to log on and post or check responses. I get like -3 hours of sleep each night...just like everyone else I know, lol! Let's see...Christ is teaching me a lot about being consistent in reading and analyzing His word to seek His wisdom, and about being consitent, more reverent, and more sincere in prayer. Another funny thing He's been showing me is that fellowship is more important than I previously thought. I'm beginning to see that keeping in touch with my brothers and sisters in Christ and continually spurring them on in love in their walk with God is as essential as prayer and reading God's Word.

Anyway, nothing but cool things going on in my life now, so Praise the Ancient of Days!

FSHS (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) rocks my socks off!!

I stand, looking at my Father.

I stand, the Enemy watching me also.

"No! I will not fall!"

My word of assurance to my Father, and a cry of defiance to my Enemy.

And then I notice a funny thing. Sadness in my Father's eyes, and glee in the Enemy's.

I look down to see my own body lying at my feet. Wounded. Sobbing. Dying.

And I see that the shadow of my hands are tainted with the lifeblood of the one lying at my feet. Me.

My Father gently cradles the broken thing at my feet and whispers something into his, my, ear.

"You don't have to live like that anymore...You don't have to live like that anymore...Why can't you see...? Why do you close your eyes...?"

He kissed the broken boy on the head and turned to leave, still holding him, me, in his arms.

My Enemy screamed in protest, in defiance.

"Give that back! It's mine!"

Father turned to Enemy

"He is My son. He is no longer bound."

Father walked away carrying the broken one Home, and the bloodstained shadow that had been standing there had dissappeared.

"Some things were broken that can never be restored."

Knowing who Christ is, do you think there is any truth to this statement?

This past week has been Divinely inspired. God is cool. Those three words can easily sum up my week thus far.

I feel so out of the loop, lol. I've been off phusebox for a week or so, and I haven't been watching T.V. much either. An example of this: I didn't even know there was a hurricane named Ophelia hitting the Carolinas until it was almost gone, and I didn't know Rita was on its way until this past Tuesday.

Duh.

But!

God is GOOD.

and COOL.

I hope that Christ blesses you with the joy of the Holy Spirit this week, this month, and even this year. Pray for joy! Pray for joy for others, and pray for joy for yourself!

I have this big, goofy grin on my face right now simply because I love my God and I know He loves me.

Considering all He's done for me, I'm kinda wondering why I'm not so hyper and full of the Joy of Christ all the time.

Life sucks sometimes, but try and make the joy of the fact that you are redeemed and a part of the family of God an unquenchable flame in your heart. Make that joy a light in your heart that can never be dimmed by what Satan and the world throws at you.

Also, thank you guys for all of your prayers for my family concerning my grandpa. He's doing well and should be coming home Tuesday. Praise God for that.

And know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is faithful.

I don't like being the bad guy.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but that's impossible.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted to avoid all of this by doing what I eventually did, but...I'm sorry. I guess with an issue like this...it just really gets to complicated.

As I sit down to type this, I feel burdened. But burdened isn't quite the right word. What do I feel?

It's been rough for my grandpa, grandma, and my mom, and for all of us. Last week Grandpa went in for another surgery because they thought that he had a tear in his diaphragm. This was especially important to fix quickly as the diaphragm is the muscle that helps in breathing, as well as separates the organs in your upper body from the organs in your lower body. At first they used this small scope to see if they could find the tear and fix it without cutting him open. Of course, this failed, and they had to make a large incision for the surgery. What they discovered is that there wasn't actually a tear in his diaphragm, but that my grandpa is one of those people who have a thinly stretched diaphragm that makes it appear that he had a possible tear. So they did all of that just to fix something that wasn't actually there. On top of all that, the surgeons ruptured his spleen during the surgery, so they had to remove it to prevent him from bleeding internally. They moved him back up to the trauma unit for recovery.

Earlier in the week he had a fever and trouble breathing, and he went in for surgery again Friday. This time he had adhesions on his lung that was making his lung stick to his chest cavity, which interfered with breathing. Praise God that surgery went okay. Grandpa's still pretty out of it, though. He's on a ventilator and he still has the chest tube in him. He goes in for another surgery Wednesday the 7th for his leg. He’s going to be okay.

It's just been a dog fight, guys. My grandma is going through emotionally what my grandpa is physically, and my mom's doing everything in her power to help them out. Please continue to lift us up in prayer, guys.

I'm so messed up right now guys. But it's not just because of what my family is going through. I keep on screwing up with God. I specifically ask for His help and guidance with certain things, but when the time comes for me to accept His help and guidance, I purposefully reject it. This seems to be an endless cycle. I feel like everything I say to Christ has been said before by me, and is therefore hollow and pointless. I don't know what I feel. I'm not special, guys. I'm just me. I'm no different than any other child of God when it comes right down to it. I'm not depressed, I'm just stating the truth. To desire to be something in someone else's eyes, that's selfishness, isn't it? To desire to be noticed by other people, or to want other people to always hang out with you, that's greed, isn't it?

I don't feel...what? What don't I feel? What do I feel?

What do I need? Encouragement? Since when have I ever known what I really needed?
Do I need Jesus? I have Him, and He has me, but what good does that do if I don't listen to Him? What good does it do me if I ask for His help and then reject it when it He offers it?

I'm on the verge of tears. Why?

I don't doubt God or His mercy or love for me. I know He loves me. But that's just the problem: me.

Why is everything about me so unclear now?

I'm lonely for my family in Christ, for my brothers and sisters in Him.

I'm going to the hospital Sunday. I most likely won't be at Church.

For those of you who don't know, or who have shady details, my grandpa was in a bad motorcycle accident on Sunday evening. He was riding the back roads near Milton, like always, when his back tire slid off of the road. The bike flipped, throwing him off, and then landed on top of him. Some people were near when it happened, and an ambulance took him to MTMC. He broke his collar bone, several ribs, his leg, and he also fractured one of his vertebrae, I believe. He also has a bruised lung. They needed to operate on his leg, but because of the bruised lung, they had to take extra precautions with the anesthesia. So, they took him to Vanderbilt for the surgery, which turned out okay. Their main concern now is that if the broken leg does not stop swelling, they will have to do another surgery in which a large incision must be made to relieve the pressure off of the nerve.

He is in stable condition.

I feel so battered. But, in light of all of this, I say praise be unto the High and Glorified One Who binds up the broken hearted. Praise be to our Sovereign King! Grandpa survived the accident. He's going to be okay. He'll be okay. I was so distraught Sunday, but God had me covered from the outset. I called Clint who, in turn, led all of the rec guys to pray for my family. Chris showed up at the hospital and prayed with me, and later Clint and Rachel showed up and prayed with us, too.

Everyone, everyone who prayed for us, who continues to pray for us, thank you. Praise God for friends, warrior brothers and sisters, who love us and are there for my family and I when we need you. Praise God for you! And Glory and Honor be unto our Lovely Father, who protected Grandpa Jay when he wrecked, who is there to bind the broken hearts of my Grandma Nancy, of my Mom and my aunts, of my brother and me. Praise be to our Father who heard my plea for reinforcements, and was faithful to answer in a way like I could not imagine.


Thank you, Daddy, my True Father.

Thank you.

Thank you, everyone, all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, every single one of you that lifted my family up in prayer.

I love you all so much. Please, please know that. I love you in Christ Jesus.

Blessed days lay behind me
and Blessed days lay ahead.

Who here hates miscommunication?

I do!!!

Is it that I don't listen, or is it that all the information I do have magically changes behind my back just to spite me?!

...
...
...

I'm done ranting now. I think there's a perfectly logical explanation for this.

If not...



Well, we're all human, aren't we?


But I bet is was my error, after all.