As I sit down to type this, I feel burdened. But burdened isn't quite the right word. What do I feel?

It's been rough for my grandpa, grandma, and my mom, and for all of us. Last week Grandpa went in for another surgery because they thought that he had a tear in his diaphragm. This was especially important to fix quickly as the diaphragm is the muscle that helps in breathing, as well as separates the organs in your upper body from the organs in your lower body. At first they used this small scope to see if they could find the tear and fix it without cutting him open. Of course, this failed, and they had to make a large incision for the surgery. What they discovered is that there wasn't actually a tear in his diaphragm, but that my grandpa is one of those people who have a thinly stretched diaphragm that makes it appear that he had a possible tear. So they did all of that just to fix something that wasn't actually there. On top of all that, the surgeons ruptured his spleen during the surgery, so they had to remove it to prevent him from bleeding internally. They moved him back up to the trauma unit for recovery.

Earlier in the week he had a fever and trouble breathing, and he went in for surgery again Friday. This time he had adhesions on his lung that was making his lung stick to his chest cavity, which interfered with breathing. Praise God that surgery went okay. Grandpa's still pretty out of it, though. He's on a ventilator and he still has the chest tube in him. He goes in for another surgery Wednesday the 7th for his leg. He’s going to be okay.

It's just been a dog fight, guys. My grandma is going through emotionally what my grandpa is physically, and my mom's doing everything in her power to help them out. Please continue to lift us up in prayer, guys.

I'm so messed up right now guys. But it's not just because of what my family is going through. I keep on screwing up with God. I specifically ask for His help and guidance with certain things, but when the time comes for me to accept His help and guidance, I purposefully reject it. This seems to be an endless cycle. I feel like everything I say to Christ has been said before by me, and is therefore hollow and pointless. I don't know what I feel. I'm not special, guys. I'm just me. I'm no different than any other child of God when it comes right down to it. I'm not depressed, I'm just stating the truth. To desire to be something in someone else's eyes, that's selfishness, isn't it? To desire to be noticed by other people, or to want other people to always hang out with you, that's greed, isn't it?

I don't feel...what? What don't I feel? What do I feel?

What do I need? Encouragement? Since when have I ever known what I really needed?
Do I need Jesus? I have Him, and He has me, but what good does that do if I don't listen to Him? What good does it do me if I ask for His help and then reject it when it He offers it?

I'm on the verge of tears. Why?

I don't doubt God or His mercy or love for me. I know He loves me. But that's just the problem: me.

Why is everything about me so unclear now?

I'm lonely for my family in Christ, for my brothers and sisters in Him.

I'm going to the hospital Sunday. I most likely won't be at Church.