Got an instant message last night from an OLD OLD friend.  Its always so strange catching up.  Awkward saying all the things that have changed. 

Scared about what they'll say when they realize that you aren't the same person that you were when the two of you saw each other last.

But then there is still the bond that will always be there no matter how different things are at present...

I love stuff like this.

then i hate it.  Hate how we fall out of the relationships we have with our friends.  Its best if there is a fight or something and it ends.. At least that is closure.  But when it just ends and neither party knows why or what happened.   I hate that.  Soo soo much. 

So keep your friendships everyone.  Dont let people drift away.  One day you'll need them.  And theyll prolly need you too sooner or later. 

HOld on for life,  because when crisis hits you'll want some one there to help you with the life boat.

So we've all been to killer parties.  We are high school students afterall.

But for me, the best parties have always happend to take place in my bedroom. ( no this is not a sexual statement).   Thats right.  206 Dill Ln, the room at the end of the hall.  with the purple satin bed spread and a bottle of something or other.  Whether its white zinfandel, skol, beer, tequilla, or bacardi.   I cant say how many times we've lived it up in that room.  Me, Christian, my sister, Matt Juan, Stacie, Kathryn, Josef, and i've prolly left some out.  we've all been there.. and we've all done that.  and we dont even have to leave the bedroom  . 

So last night Christian, K Souf, and I  topped them all.

those are only a few... the ones that aren't too embarrassing

So yesterday coming home from church.. ( i kno right?)  My mother did the whole:  "YOu know that you can talk to me right?  I m here if you ever have any problems."

my reply: "I kno that mom.  we always talk?"  thinking wtf?

mom:"You and Santini are careful not to do more than kissing aren't you?"

OOOOOHHH... Thats where she is going.  Hearing things like this come out of my mothers mouth always makes me a bit uncomfortable.  She is the woman who asked my brother Mathew what "skeet" was.  There isn't anything Taboo to her. 

i just said "of course"  ;)

So seems like summer goes faster now that we're older.  I guess its cause we actually have things to do now instead of just sitting around or playing outside all day. 

Christian and I have been hanging out again.  Its weird, just like  a bad habit we find each other again and again.  And im glad.  I've written this story a 1000 times and over already, so i wont go into it.

so i'm gone to live up the REST of my summer..

Yesterday was Santini's Bday so we got a bunch of people together for lunch at Chef Wangs. 

  It was a fun day.  So if you haven't said happy 17th to him yet.  You def should.

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

Well im home for good this time.

Last night Santini came to see me.

and brought me these absolutely beautiful get well soon roses.

:D

:D

:D

i felt instantly better.

So I've had what we all thought was strepp throat for the past week. I've been resting and taking the ass load of perscribed antibiotics. ANd yet nothing seemed to work.

So yesterday morning i awoke and It had gotten remarkabley worse. My throat was on fire i finally went to get my dad and tell him that i need to go to the hospital.

So we get there and the nurse lady freaks out that i haven't been to the doctor yet. and i try to explain, in my hoarse little whisper that i couldn't go becasue sat the doctors was closed and we left for vacation the next day. she had no mercy. she continued on to asking me how i got the antibiotics.. and i said "over the phone" she looked at me like i was insane. I was very glad when she went away.

so the doctor, who was very nice to me. asked a thousand questions and some how determined thati probably had Mono. So we had to do a blood test and the lady took like a cup of blood, which i have no idea what she did with it alll :/ but whatever floats her boat.
I also finally got my strep test.

So i waited for half an hour. and my doctor comes back and tells me that yes i have Mono. but the good news was that my strep test was negative.

i just wanted to cry. Mono
and practically strep throat...

So he gave me some pain killers... and some steriod stuff to make the swelling in my throat go down . ..

he said "this is no way to act on Vacation"

i wanted to hit him.

So today is my 18th Birthday. It sucked ass... My mom has been soo nice about it though. She tries to cheer me up and make me as comfortable as possible. But im just sooooooo tired. and it hurts to talk and swallow.

so i must say that my best birthday present this year will be goingg home tomorrow becasue i cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!..

just to sleep in my own bed again.

So i had just returned to the Boro from 2 fabulous weeks with my grandmother. When my mother decides to tell me that we are leaving in 2 days for Hilton Head. I Have never been sad to go to the place i have branded with the title of my "second home". I love this tiny touristy rich people golfing crazed island more than almost any other place i ahve ever been.

I grew up on the beaches of the Westin Resort. Some of my greatest memories take place in the hot tubs/pools/ballrooms/hallways of this remarkabley huge and beautiful hotel.
I even had my first REAL kiss resorting here
here was the place i first got intoxicated
here was the place i did some other things
here i bonded wiht my love rebekah
here i spend time with my cousins whom i only see once a year
here i embarressed my self horribly too many times to name
here i danced to my sister playing the piano for a not so pleasant and surely not an entertained black family.
here i have loved
here i have hated
i have burned
and froze
i have been caught here
and here i have gotten away.

only this visit is different.
there is no rebekah or bethany or havillah. there is no Uncle Tom or Uncle Pat or Aunt karen or Aunt Cheryll or aunt heather. There is no Heather Nagy.
There is no mike, jj, Ian, sally or any of theother wonderfull people that i have met.

there is just me and my mom dad eli bell isaac and the grandparents...


and I HAVE STREP THROAT....
i am exhausted and miserable and lonely. AND pale b/c being in the sun gives me a terrible headache...

i want my sister and my gg and my santini.

but they are all out of reach..........

I gave me away

could have knocked off the evening

but i Lonelily landed my wants in her hands

in a way it felt like you were leaving me

i was sure i wouldn't find you at home

but you let me down 

 you could of knocked off the evening

but i was lonelily looking for something to hold

in a way.., i lost all i believed in

i've never found myself so alone

you let me down

you could have called if you needed.

you let me down

there's no use decieveing

neither of us wants to be alone

im coming home on Thursday....  

I will never forget the car ride i just took back to my Grandmother's from my Uncle Tom's house.  I am riding in the passenger seat of her ridiculous manual everything brand new Spectra down some never ending boulevard somwhere between Wellington and Palm Beach.  The windows are down, the music is up, and my seat ever so slightly reclined.  Allof my senses are ablaze:

The breaze whips through my hair and around my face and arms as Norah Jones sings of the aimless sea on the radio.  My nostrils flare excitedly with the lingering smell of my uncles vanilla cigars.  In my mouth remains the fading taste of white zinfandel, which also remains, just barely, upon my mindset.  My eyes are closed as i dream pathetically of that silly asian boy who has claimed so much of my thoughts lately that it makes me uneasy.  Have i the urge to, or if my overly exhausted body would allow it.  I could open my eyes and look up to a beautifully black, cloudless, and star-strewn sky.

...i will die in ecstacy.

So this is my official last day in Tennesee..

IM super excited as i sit here and download some new music for the trip.

Mean Girls Soundtrack :D  Havana Nights :D  1st Ladi  :D  Atmosphere :D  some good stuff..

so while im ubber anticipating my 7 am flight out of this shit hole, i realize that i might just miss some of you freaks.  NO im kidding, of course i will.  But then again i get to spend two weeks with my Grandmother, who is amazing.  And of course my cousin Amber.  Who is also pretty fabulous.

2 weeks away from the family :D : D :D   I needed this.... and might i be so arrogant as to say that i deserved it. ??  I think so.

Did you ever feel like you wanna be
Someone else for just one day,
Did you ever feel like you wanna
See through another pair of eyes,
Did you ever think I'm a wannabe with
Anyone else for just one day,
Did you ever you really think of me when i walked away?

You look, but don't sound apologetic,
You smoke your subjects at my eyes, like you think,
You know where you think you'll find, you think you'll figure me out tonight,
But you'll never know what i won't share,
Cause I don't care and I don't care,
You think you'll figure me out tonight,
But I don't care,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way,
Cause every man that I know, makes me feel like I'm too blame
When it's over and my selfish ways,
Go back to start again, go back to start again.

Did you ever feel like you should have said
Something smarter at that time,
Did you ever feel like you should have kept
it all to yourself,
Did you ever think it might be your fault
And never promise anymore,
Did you ever think it might not be me
No, it was always me?

You look, you don't sound apologetic,
You smoke your subjects at my eyes, like you think,
You know where you think you'll find, you think you'll figure me out tonight,
But you'll never know what i won't share,
Cause I don't care and I don't care,
You think you'll figure me out tonight,
But I don't care,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
Cause every man that I know, makes me feel like I'm too blame
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
Cause every man that I know, makes me feel like'I'm too plain'
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again, go back to start again

You look, you don't sound apologetic,
You smoke your subjects at my eyes, like you think,
You know where you think you'll find, you think you'll figure me out tonight,
But you'll never know what i won't share,
Cause I don't care and I don't care,
You think you'll figure me out tonight,
But I don't care,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
cause every man that I know, makes me feel like im to blame
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
cause every man that I know, makes me feel like'I'm too plain'
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again, go back to start again

Go back to start again

so later everyone...  :D our new Kitten

So this morning i came home and Sushi lessons began at around 10.  It was really fun and very interesting.  I used to think that i liked sushi.  Now im Positive that i do not.  Although i do like to make it, it tastes like shit.

All day i've just been thinking so much about Beks and GG.  I kno everyone is prolly sick to death of hearing about them.  The other day though my mom said something along the lines of " You know it just hit me, everyone that you're really close to is gone."  I felt like breaking down into tears.  And i almost did.  But then i realize that that isn't completely true.  My mom has been here and has been my life saver.  There's also that really cool guy that im dating, Santini. 

Beks and i would have hours of conversation devoted to dating and that institute they call marraige ( i dont know how to spell it.).  But it always came down to this:  I used to never believe that i could ever give that muchof myself to someone.  To marry and spend the majority of my life with them .And i i still dont really.  To fully surrender everything that i am to ONE person, I just never thought that i would be capable of it.  Im speaking of this in terms of a significant other.  But i see now that i was wrong.  I am capable of it, in fact i am guilty of it.  Since I was about 12 there has been this one person in my life.  This one girl that i've given myt whole self to,  and that is my sister.  She has the knowledge in her of my complete make-up.  She knows every oppinion, every joke, every gesture, every bend, every freckle, every flaw, every everything.  She knows it all.   She has all of me.  I'd marry HER. if i could.    She has taught me so much, this is just one example. 

      So the moral i have learned through thinking about this, is that it is ok to let go.  I let go and gave it all.  I layed it all down for her.  yes its painful at times.  NO she isn't here whenever i need her.  No it isn't perfect.  But the reward is far too great.  It makes it all worth it.  I have a life long best friend who just so happens to be my sister.  And i know that i will be capable of taking this on again with another person, when the time comes.  She's shown me that.

so  got a few more weeks before i have 2 in west palm beach.. I CANNOT WAIT...  i just want to get away from craptown for just a LITTLE bit.

  soo i finally get a picture of us.  And LOOK HOW PALE I AM....  that is amazing to me. i just dont understand how that happened.  but oh well...  florida should help  :D...........

later kiddos

haha go read sarah vermillion's spider story. i laughed my ass off.

and i love you sarah!

jen

So this was our last day of school....  (minus exams... they dont count)

but it doesn't feel that way at all...  Just felt like any other day at school.... besides going tto subway and  watching a gazillion movies.

things are so different...   And im Glad.

for the most part that is.

GG is leaving for the whole summer, that i cannot believe.  IM going to miss her soo much.  Both of my best friends = gone..  Beks and now my GG.

i never thought that i would have to miss them this much... I guess i was VERY wrong...  I want and NEED them both back...

I used to know this woman who had the most beautiful
tattoos on the top sides of both of her hands
she was forty three years old and as far as I know
had never yet been with a man
its not that she wasn't attractive she was beatiful
but its the way that she interacted
she was aggressively passive to the point where she
would of intimidated any mitt that ever tried to catch her
on the right hand she had a tattoo of a nude girl
she claimed it is what God resembled
but on the left she had a mirrored image of the same female
and this one she explained looked like the devil
I remember once watching her touch her own breasts
how the tattoos smiled as they stared down her stomach
as if anticipating would they be allowed to caress
the sweet flower that they both seemed to hunger (sweet flower)
now maybe I was high but it felt so right
heaven and hell both take to this womans womb
it didn't make sense how she could commence
touching herself with me wide awake in the same room
now if I've learned anything in my years (my years)
I learned I no longer believe in surprise (in surprise)
but what happened next damn near stole my tears
the tattoos came alive right in front of my eyes
they both slowly stood up and climbed off her hands
and showed me why she never took some time with a man
they climbed deep inside of this woman's garden
she closed her eyes and she gently bit her bottom lip
I stepped I left and I don't regret leaving
and I'll never forget all the things I saw that evening
a glimpse of religion a piece of coming closer
to understanding more about what intrigues me most
I didn't get turned on I just got turned
I wasn't as aroused as I was concerned
for each one of em I've hurt
and every time I've been burned
I've got a lot to teach but even more to learn
so now I keep my eyes open hoping to take in all I can
about Woman taking in all she can
and for as long as I breath i'll save a seat in my memory
for that woman with the tattooed hands

There's good and evil in each individual fire
identifies needs and feeds our desires
as long as we keep our spirit inspired
she can bite her bottom lip all she wants

  Astrid and Paul

What senile man said that change was terrible?   Because i garuntee that  i could convince him otherwise.   :D  With out a doubt.  

He won't be able to eat his words fast enough.

Few have ever felt so pursued.  Sometimes we wonder if we've ever been noticed.  Father was too busy to come to our games or perhaps he jumped ship alltogher.  Mother was lost in a never ending pile of laundry or, more recently, in her own career.  We come into the world longing to be special to someone and from the start we are dissapointed.  It is  a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself.  Can you recall a time when a significant someone in your life sat you down with the sole purpose of wanting to know your heart more deeply, fully expecting to enjoy what he found there?  More people have climbed Mt. Everest than have experienced real pursuit, and so what are we left to conclude?  There is nothing in our hearts worth knowing.  Whoever and whatever this mystery we call I  must be, it cannot be much.

"In fact", we continue, "if I am not pursued, it must because there is something wrong with me, something dark and twisted inside."  We long to be known, and we fear it like nothing else.  Most people live in subtle dread that one day they will be discovered for who they really are and the world will be appalled.

WEll last time we guessed songs..

so this time well guesss movies...

1.

you name it.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

9.

happy guessing freakazoids.

8.

1. On your current playlist, put it on shuffle and pick the first thirty songs that come up, no matter how embarrassing.
2. Write down the first one or two lines from each song.
3. Have your friends comment and see if they know any of the songs - no cheating!  No Google!
4. When someone guesses correctly, bold the line and add at the end of the name of the song.  Bold and indent when the artist has also been guessed and write it at the end of the line also.

1.  i see no changes. wake up in the morning and i ask my self , is life worth living or should i blast myself?

2. baby i love you and ill never let you go but if u hve to boy i think that u should all the love we made will never be replaced.

3. its hard to remember how it felt before, now i found the love of my life

4. i thought that we'd be further in love by now, dont remember how, we stumbled to this place.

5. i still hear you voice when you sleep next to me

6. last night i had a dream about you, and in this dream im dancing right beside you.  and it looked like evveryone was having fun

7. buy it , use it, break it, fix it, trash it change it, melt, upgrade it. charge it, font it, zoom it, pres it, snap it, work it, quick erase it.

8.  breathe in for luck breath in so deep this air is blessed. you share with me

9. please leave all overcoats, canes, and top hats with the door man, from that moment youll be out of place and underdressed.

10. city's falling down on a camel's back.

11. puff the magic dragon lived by the sea

12. travelling somewhere. could be anywhere, theres a coolness in the air, but i dont care. 

13.sitting here watching the lights change, i wonder if you'll ever come my way.

14. christmas christmas time is near time for toys and time for cheer

15. well i heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the lord.

 

you sought attention in your town

you threw your morals to the ground

you told me that you did not care

your touch was more than i could bare

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

hands intangled in my hair

you lead me quickly to you lair

in the lightness of the day

you catch my eye and then looked away

what a chilling remark you made

when you threw it all away

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my love's worth seeking

my body's all that you aspire

for what's inside theres no desire

i cant live with how you feel

while my innocence you steal.

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

if you wake up alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

you sought attention in your town

you threw your morals to the ground

you told me that you did not care

your touch was more than i could bare

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

hands intangled in my hair

you lead me quickly to you lair

in the lightness of the day

you catch my eye and then looked away

what a chilling remark you made

when you threw it all away

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again

to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

you find yourself alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my love's worth seeking

my body's all that you aspire

for what's inside theres no desire

i cant live with how you feel

while my innocence you steal.

take me instead

your habits end

my will, will end quickly

so try again to take my hand

its me you've been kissing

if you wake up alone again

dont think you've been dreaming

take me instead

your habits end

cause my loves worth seeking

Gosh I love you Jenn! And I miss cuddling with you in
your huge bed and dancing to Disney songs with you
,and Indian poker, and making fun of bell, and
watching sex and the city, and talking to you, and
going to church with you (haha), and watching you act
mentally retarted, and playing darts, and playing lord
of the rings/starwars and coffee, and tubgirl, and
tequila.

how do you not just LOVE her???  Reading that made me the happiest i've been in a long ass time...

So spring break was amazing... as it always is.  and now i've been thrown back into the slew of long school days of feigning interest and even longer nights of no sleep.

royal suckage.  2 weeks would defenitly be preferable to one. however i realize that this pattern would only continue to grow and a year later we will be begging for 3 weeks.. where as we might as well be inrolled in a year round school... which would be even worse of a hell.  So here it is... I am thankful for my one week of spring break .. :D... remember this moment

interesting things have been happening.... im thinking they'll just get even more interesting.  Which i am very keen on experiencing.

oh wish my life lots of luck....

"do you believe in God?  Because if you do, you cannot believe in life."

Because there are things in men, in the best of us, which are above all states, above all collectives!  Do you ask:  What things?  Man's mind and his values.  Look at yourself, honostly and fearlessly.  Look and dont tell me, dont tell anyone, jsut tell yourself:  what are you living for? Aren't you living for yourself and only for yourself?  Call it your aim, your love, your cause-- isn't it still your cause?  Give your life, die for your ideal--isn't it still your ideal?  Every honest man lives for himself.  The one who doesn't-- doesn't live at all.  You cannot change it.  YOu cannot change it because thats the way man is born, alone, complete, and an end in himself.  No laws, no Party, no GPU will ever kill that thing in man which knows how to say "I".  YOu cannot enslave man's mind, you can only destroy it.  You have tried.  Now look at what your getting.  Look at those whom you allow to triumph.  Deny the best and men-- and see what will survive.  Do we want the crippled, creeping, crawling, broken monstrosities that we're producing?  Are we not castrating life in order to perpetuate it?

from We the Living.

SO....... Spring Break.!  Its been pretty fun so far..

spending time with  Josef

and GG

but alas... it is almost over.  and school will resume on Monday.. ew.

Beks is still gone, and i still miss her terribly

but im hanging in there i know how much fun she is havingand that i am being selfish for wanting her back home. even though if she was here she would be in Maryville and not with me anyways... so oh well

i love her regardless

Travelling somewhere... could be anywhere

there's a coldness in the air

but i dont care

we drift deeper, life goes on

we drift deeper... into the sound

for more days... till spring break..

this week is already proving hell...

and well.. thats all

When i move you...

just like that.