My situational Irony was of the charts tonight.
My dad was doing major bitching at the house and i had to get out ASAP. So Josef was going to hang out with me and help me get my mind off stuff and or just talk about it. So leave the house, casting my fetters away as i squeal out of the drive way. I drop Arabella off at her church stuff and head out to Starbucks to meet dearest Josef. Going in i see dearest Sarah leaving the place, we exchange pleasantries. We see will and Sean too. Josef and i proceed into the Starbucks and there are Taylor and Kate. We are about to sit down with them and i happen to glance outside. And as luck would have it, and no one else would ever have to haddle this much shit in one day besides myself of course, i see the SPRINTER. "julie's cooking service" That's right, you guessed it. My father, the person one of the persons i was escaping from. therefor we had to leave, naturally because we both know my dad is coming into where we are.
We make a dash for our cars, and the irony increases with our panting. My dad parks right beside us. We end up having to talk to him . He is taking eli to meet his tutor at SB. Josef and i head for CAfe Coco to play our long over due game of upwords. We ran into no more people , but we did see Rachard Hawk's girl friend.

The music video for 16 military wifes has a model UN theme.

that made my day.

alone and not apart
you finished what you could not start
in the corners of the day
you catch my eye and then look away
what a generous remark you made
when you blew it all away.

Has any one ever had that friend who's just been really laid back, goes with the flow, doesn't hold expectations of people, isn't always searching to better himself, isn't smug in the least, and is loyal as fuck. Well what happens when this personality shifts? What happens when this friend starts trying to take chargeof not only their own life, but the lives of their friends also? What happens when this friend puts up new standards for you to reach? What happens when their ego has been built up so much , that you are no longer a worthy candidate for friendship.?
What happens when they send out the old and bring in the new?

I will tell you what happens. People get pissed as hell, that's what fucking happens. Ok, maybe not pissed, it's worse than that. People get hurt, they get what they gave handed back to them, their Self, only this time in a paper sack. They get soothing words overridden by a contemptous smile. This is what happens.

It's wonderful to find out that some one you think the world of, doesn't even think of you at all. I've built some one up on a pedestool, who didn't even deserve to be there to begin with. This is tragic. I have learned my lesson. Mary Anne said "it was everyday implied but never declared", and whilst my situation does not entail a love on that level, this quote is relevent. These past few weeks i have been humbled, humilliated, and completely put in my place. One of my dearest friendships has been torn apart and i can only speculate on why. I dont know if i should pretend everything is ok or not. I just dont know what to do. I don't know if i want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if i wanted to help patch this all up, I dont think i have anything left to give. And what hurts the most is that if i wanted to it would be completely one sided. I would be the huntress to an intelligent, cold, and yet coy prey who would always escape at the last second.

Dieses ist eine versuchende Nacht, ich waschen meine Hande dieser Scheisse gewesen.

WHOEVER you are, holding me now in hand,
Without one thing, all will be useless,
I give you fair warning, before you attempt me further,
I am not what you supposed, but far different.

Who is he that would become my follower?
Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?

The way is suspicious—the result uncertain, perhaps destructive;
You would have to give up all else—I alone would expect to be your God, sole and exclusive,
Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life, and all conformity to the lives around you, would have to be abandon’d;
Therefore release me now, before troubling yourself any further—Let go your hand from my shoulders,
Put me down, and depart on your way.

Or else, by stealth, in some wood, for trial,
Or back of a rock, in the open air,
(For in any roof’d room of a house I emerge not—nor in company,
And in libraries I lie as one dumb, a gawk, or unborn, or dead,)
But just possibly with you on a high hill—first watching lest any person, for miles around, approach unawares,
Or possibly with you sailing at sea, or on the beach of the sea, or some quiet island,
Here to put your lips upon mine I permit you,
With the comrade’s long-dwelling kiss, or the new husband’s kiss,
For I am the new husband, and I am the comrade.

Or, if you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,
Where I may feel the throbs of your heart, or rest upon your hip,
Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;
For thus, merely touching you, is enough—is best,
And thus, touching you, would I silently sleep and be carried eternally.

But these leaves conning, you con at peril,
For these leaves, and me, you will not understand,
They will elude you at first, and still more afterward—I will certainly elude you,
Even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold!
Already you see I have escaped from you.

For it is not for what I have put into it that I have written this book,
Nor is it by reading it you will acquire it,
Nor do those know me best who admire me, and vauntingly praise me,
Nor will the candidates for my love, (unless at most a very few,) prove victorious,
Nor will my poems do good only—they will do just as much evil, perhaps more;
For all is useless without that which you may guess at many times and not hit—that which I hinted at;
Therefore release me, and depart on your way

thought provoking provocation.

I dont know how to deal with people. or situations. Eugenides claims that i am actually not female at all.. but a male, trapped in a feamale's body. he says that sexual identity peaks at age 2, when we learn to speak either male or female, just as we learn to speak english or german. I know that i do not speak female. I speak Male. this is enlightening information, that i do not know if i am glad to have recieved.

And whilst i am def not a hermaphrodite in anysense. I do not have a crocus or enlarged clitoris. I am still raging with testosterone as far as my brain is concerned. The fact that my mother is the dominating role in the household, also does not help this situation. this is great insight though.... great i mean, this solves a lot. Now i know why all my friends are predominately guys. Explains why girls dont like me. and all that other great stuff.

so.. peace out
DUDES

I hate how things develope. What i think/expect to happen, well it doesn't. this is something that iritates me endlessly.

I step out on a limb and am quickly hurled down to the knotty rooted dirty ground. ALl humbled, im thinking what the fuck just happened. I was 96.7% certain that that particular branch would hold me. and those are good odds. But as if snapping in two and dropping me , i'd give it a good 13 feet, wasn't enough. I also have to be clunked in the head with, alas another branch, putting me in my place completely. I never thought my ego was that big, and i assure not only you but myself (again) that it isn't. So why did i think this particular branch wouldn't snap? Or maybe i knew it would snap, and just didn't want to let the oppertunity of having it maybe not split, which could have led to an even greater view of the vast horizon of life i was dreaming/gazing on. The cruel interworkings of nature, they leave me not only blushed, but shame faced as well.

It is good for me. REALLY good for. Its good not to get what you want every now and again.

Do what you like. ANd fuck the rest.

it was an ok 3 day weekend. Kind of disapointed it wasn't fabulous... but still worth being out of school. That martin luther king jr. HE did something right.

My dad was watching sports center or something of the sort. it was 2 black guys and one white guy. The two black men were talking about what Martin Luther King stood for to them... The white male said nothing... i found this amusing. I chuckled.. I know i know beat me with a stick, i'm being disrespectful.

i haven't talked to my sister in over a week. She is probably upset with me. ahh well...

got to do my c ollege stuff tomorrow night finally... I sent in my fasfa but not my applic ations... times a ticking.

also i still cant wait for model un. I seriously am not sleepin g because i'd rather be up researching the country of dennmark and how they feel about sustainable growth in central Asia.. I am so wired. Today Josef and i hit up Bargain center for UN Attire... that wen t fairly well.. although we bought nothing..

well..

guten nacht freunden

You are looking at:

"Jennifer Luhrs, Dennmark" EconFin delegate for the 2007 Model UN conference at UTK.

no, i'm not a Prepatory dyke or a power lesbian, but this year im going to bring it.

hardcore.

Beks and i hit the dance floor last night. Super super fun.

I nbever realized how much trash we hadin middle tennessee.. What i saw last night was unbelievable. disgusting.. Girl;s grinding on girls dressed in nothing. People having sex on couches.

It makes me wonder what kind of places these girls grew up in.. and what theirself esteem level s are at. i would be curious to know.

The second a female even touches the dance floor about 6 trashy guys swarm.. They put their hands on you, as though they have some sort of claim to you. And the dignified girls in turn work their way away from the dance floor. The skank ones will grind on anything..
This is why men have such a degrading oppinion of women. We give it to them, through our behaviors.

So Beks and i stuck to the deserted disco floor. and danced the night away with the few cool dancers that passed our way.

once upan a winter
it seemed so long ago
my one and only love and i
fell down apon the snow
and as the dusk was falling
from a grey and goose down sky
we heard the old cathedral bells
ring out a lullaby.
snow angel snow angel.
someday im gona fly
this cold and broken heart of mine will someday wave goodbye.
good bye to this cuel wicked world and all the tears i've cried
sbow angel snow angel ill meet you in the sky.

the rumors of the distant war
called my true love's name
he packed his leather suitcase
and spoke no word of blame
we walked a while together
i tried to hide my frea
he told me not to be afriad and whispered in my ear
snow angel snow angel, some day im gonna fly
this cold and broken heart o f mine would someday wave goodby
goodbye to this cruel wicked world and all the tears i've cried
snow angel snow angel ill meet you in sky

they brought my love home from the war
in a cart pulled by white mules
the christmas bells rang out that day
oblivious as fools
and as the snow began to fall
i kissed his frozen face
they told me in his woolen coat
his last few words were pplaced.

snow angel snow angel........ill meet you in the sky.

you can hold her hand
and show her how you cry
explain to her your weakness
so she understands
and then roll over and die

you can brave decisions
before you crumble up inside
spend your time asking everyone else's permission
then run away and hide

or you can sit on chimneys
put some fire up your ass
no need to know what you're doing or waiting for
but if anyone should ask
tell them i've been licking coconut skins
and we've been hanging out
tell them god just dropped by to forgive our sins
and relieve us our doubt

Darlin Christmas is coming
salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin Chrismas is coming
do you believe in angels singing
darlin snow is falling
falling like forgiveness

Went and saw OVEr the Rhine last night with Beks, Holly, hannah, Kristen, and david last night... Absolutely amazing. Enthralling. We splurged on the christmas CD.
They sung a whole bunch of new songs... So good. cant wait for them to come out on CD. :) :P).

Then off to the big Cafe Coco for about forever. Did some skipping, wrestling and ballroom dancing. got home around late and were asleep at about 3:30-4:00 after a lovely bottle of Muscato. MMM.
Despite any examinations the following morning. They're a joke anyways.

I am a happy camper.

happy happy happy.

Life has thrown me many curve balls these past 6 months.
and i thought i would share a lesson that i have learned.

Taking something for what it is, doesn't neccessarily make you a better person. You want more, and you know it, but you settle. Oh this one is ok... not as nice as the one i really want , but hey its much less expensive. Or it involves less risk. Well it isn't worth it. I've learned that i will never settle for anything ever again. I've never been able to lie to myself. But i am fully capable of lieing to another person, with absolutely close to zero remorse at all. I took life as it was. Took it with a "what the hell... what could i possibley lose from this?".. Well i lost a lot. I lost 6 whole months of my young life. Nothing too catastrophic i must admit, but still time is of the essence.
I dont regret it. I just know that if the situation was to arise again, i would not grab for it.

over time, i realized what i was missing. But the truth is that familiarity is comfortable and safe, and its a hard thing to abandon. However there comes a timme when reality wakes you up to the dull thud of what could be more. See if i sat in this steady flow of life i would never learn anything. I would never grow emotionally or intellectually. Familiarity is a curse and i damn it to hell.. It takes the best of who we are and pushes it back into a daily routine and life outlook. The adventure is out there but it will ppass us by if we are not ready in stance looking for it. It may take years to recognize. but it is there and i will find it.

I beg you all. Live for yourselves. because in the end that is all you will have left. There may come a time when everything else falls away, but you will still be there. You are alive and because you are you must honor that. Be selfish. be horribley selfish. So what if you hurt some one else's feelings. Their feelings are not worth sacrifices to your Self. of course i dont want you to purposely hurt some one else. But when it comes down to you or them you sure as hell better choose yourself.

I'd never die for anyone but me.
The last frontier is only
the stranger in the mirror that i see.

The end to 6 months...


I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! GG!!!!!!!

Im so bored of life.
i kno i said this in my last post. But my status has not changed. Not at all. Im bored and tired and i feel so lifeless. I feel as though my will to live has been sucked from my body. Im a zombie. that's right. A zombie. I get up every morning. I do the same rutine. Go to school. Come home. go to work. See santini. go to bed. I simply can not take it any longer.

people always tell me that i my facial expression never changes. THere is a reason. My surroundings dont change. How can i.??

im doing a poster for some scholarship. representing the topic. "you can change the world" thats the one thing i've been havning fun with.

she said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new tow, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston...where no one knows my name..

I have no plans set out.
I have nothing
Absolutely nothing.
Except for School and Work.

how depressing is that.?

TOMNORROW. me, san, josef, and alex are off to louisvill for a day of fun filled rollercoastering.

oh and ps.... if you're over the age of 25...you shouldn't have a phusebox. so delete it..

thanks weirdos.

fall break

So i finally got my senior pictures done

have a look see

i dare say Beal's takes better pictures than Michael's