So, I've been thinking about why I act like I do. Not so much about the actions themselves, but what drives me to take the course I do.

Like... I know I act shallow at school. I generally act shallow around people. It doesn't mean I am shallow, but I use it as a defense mechanism to keep people at bay. Sort of like a 'danger: high voltage' sign, or some such thing.

I've also noticed that I've gotten flakey with my eating habits. Some times I gorge myself on food and other times I don't eat at all to balance the binging. I find all these flaws with myself, flaws I'm sure no one else can see. I guess I just need something to control.

This summer has been pretty quakey for me. My dad has these moments where he'll be nice, and I don't know how to deal with that. Atleast when he's yelling at me, I have a knee-jerk reaction. I can deal with him hating me. I don't remember a time when he actually liked me, so I know how to react when he yells. My reactions aren't always the best ones, but they're still reaction. When he is nice, I don't know what to do. I just sort of stand there with a dumb look on my face and stutter. 

Most of you will wonder why my dad being nice makes my summer shaky, but most of you don't know my father. My father isn't one of those things I like people to know about.

I dunno. I just felt like getting some stuff out of my system.