hey guys have blogged in along time imiss you guys especially all my high school grads but i need to vent so here it goes.....

I lost the only guy i ever truly loved to another gir; my heart fills like a hole I don't like it we talked for a while about it and im not mad at him but i guess we could never be. I don't think i will ever find the right guy for me. I think i was made to be alone the boys see me as friends the girl who can kick thier butt in football or any sport at that matter but none of them are even close to liking me as more than a sports buddy. man i wish i acted more like a girl sometimes.....

I keep this paint brush with me,

wherever I may go,

 In case I need to cover up

so the real me dosen't show.

I'm so afraid to show you me,

Afraid of what you'll do-that

you might laugh or say mean things.

I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats

to show you the real, true me,

But i want you to try to understand,

I need you to accept what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,

I'll strip off all my coats real slow.

Please understand how much it hurts

to let the real me show.

Now all my coats are stripped off.

I feel naked, bare and cold,

And if you still love me with all that you see,

you are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paintbrush, though,

and hold it in my hand,

I want to keep it handy

In case someone dosen't understand .

So please protect me, my dear friend

and thanks for loving me true

But please let me keep my paint brush with me

until i love me, too.

Life isn't about keeping score. Its not about how many people call you and its not about who you've dated, or are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't  about who you kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. Its not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In Fact, Its not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and its not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that . But life is about who you love and who you hurt. Its about how you feel about yourself. Its about trust, happiness, and compassion. Its about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. life is about avoiding jealousy,overcoming ignorance and building confidence. Its about what you say and what you mean. Its about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, its about hoosing to use your life to touch someone elses in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise, these choices are what lifes about.

Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw a person that I had never seen before, someone who is beggining to grow and becoming something actually worth being when I hit walls i find the key and walk through instead of letting them get me down.....when I can't sleep I listen in the silence to gods voice telling me what I need to do. I pray more, I love more, I am me more and no matter what anyone else does that can't take that away, I admit that I struggle alot with many things but have found that if you place it in gods hands it will be ok......if you let him lead you will never want to leave because the peace that you feel when he is around is unmistakably awesome. He is the only one that can take away your pain and calm the storms that crash around you and when you are down and theres no one to talk to he there. he hears your voice even in the tinest whisper he knows how you hurt he sees what you are going through. he cares so why don't we just place our problems in his hands?

                Life is a bottomless pit it sucks you in and keeps pulling and pulling till you have no strength left to fight, no love left to give, no light lsft at the end of the tunnel because it burnt out when you gave up....on everything...theres nothing left to hide cause everyone knows nothing to be scared of cause everything that can hurt you has. You see your friends slowly becoming just like you and you try to do evrything you can to help them but you are so far away you can hear them but you can't reach them. what do you do? 

                Life is a bottomless pit it sucks you in and keeps pulling and pulling till you have no strength left to fight, no love left to give, no light lsft at the end of the tunnel because it burnt out when you gave up....on everything...theres nothing left to hide cause everyone knows nothing to be scared of cause everything that can hurt you has. You see your friends slowly becoming just like you and you try to do evrything you can to help them but you are so far away you can hear them but you can't reach them. what do you do? 

I love the rain!!!

Today is the best I walked out of my house this morning and sat on my porch drinking coffee and watching the rain. It  is so awesome its like it just cleans the earth like nothing else can. I enjoy just watching it as much as I like running out and just standing in it. I like hearing the thunder and watching the lightning when i go outside. The rain is so awesome!!!!

I love this song, cause it explains just how much god loves if only we could see that its like this song is looking at gods grace.It remeinds me when I want to give up that god is there.

 Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

I am losing my mind, i feel so crazy I am not the person I was a year ago so much has changed I work alot and am more responsible I am not the fun person I used to be even though it is probably for the better cause I look at the world different now there  is so much to see I just wish i had found that out earlier it would have made life so much easier but I have changed......alot....some good ways some bad I have grown closer to god but I have a more critical look on the world. But some things were ment to be we all have to grow up sometimes right?

It isn't where you come from......Its where you are going that counts!!!

I wish I was someone else anyone else, everything is coming at me at once but I can handle it. God is the only thing keeping me sane right now I finally realized we are fighting something real, something so real that people ignore but very soon we won't be able to ignore it anymore because we have let invade our churches, youth groups, homes. everything our  only answer is prayer thats the only way to handle these things we are dealing with. we need to intercede and get god back into our lives instead of trying to push him out tof the world he created. where are we? why are the christians hiding behind the word religon instead of speaking out? why are we afraid of what god has placed inside of us? where is the passion he placed inside of us?

So today is communion at church I am always nervous when it gets near this time cause I am never sure if I am ready for it or if I am where I need to be to take it. but this time I think I am ready for it god has helped me grow alot latley, I mean sometimes I look back and the things I think I needed I no longer need I am stronger than that now, and some of the people I hung around with I don;t want to be around anymore cause all they do is drag me down alot of doors are shutting themselves and chapters are being turned but I am changing to and as I change doors are opening to and the future is beginning to come clear. 

happy birthday
   trish!!!!!

I am so happy Sunday was the most amazing day of my life.......since sunday god has been doing some amazing things in mt life.......I  got my love back for god he was all I really needed i wish that i had seen that a long time ago so i would not have had to figure it out the hard way but sometimes thats the only way. And the trials he put me through were not to hurt me as i once thought but to make me grow. every morning when i wake up and pray god let me have a closer walk with you let me be a witness  to my friends, lord use me as a vessel, it may  be broken but it is still useable......god is so wonderful and i want the world to know but some people still fight, still run, god is there  to love you not hurt you. I don't know but since sunday  have felt this amazing peace around me something i haven't felt in a lonnnnng time.I can finally sleep and in the stillness listen to gods voice instead of trying to hide.I can love again and let people i pushed out of my life get closer,without the fear of getting hurt. And the youth choir did great(since i'm in it(lol) but the funny thing when we were practicing lindsay said brandi do you feel god she was like I do. and when we sang its like the youth group just broke lose like we didn't care if the rest of the church worshiped with us we needed that we have been stuggling so long and trying to hide it but god knew and he was there at the moment we needed it. My chains have finally fell of off and I feel so free. Now it is my turn to hold my friends up, to talk to them tilll two in the morning it is my turn to be an example. It is our youth groups turn to bring the roof down, it is time we worshipped like no one else had we are pentacostals for goodness sake we need to act like. God is our god why are we ashamed of that?He has shown us the power he holds in his hands and the power he has placed inside of us when he put the holy ghost in us.(and if anyone wants to know more about the holy ghost let me know i will be happy to share it with you) you will never know how much happiness the holy ghost gives you till you try it. You live like you never lived before.

trust me!

you never know what he did for you!!What Happened on the Cross
 by John Damascene (c. 675-749) By nothing else except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ has death been brought low:

The sin of our first parent destroyed,
hell plundered,
resurrection bestowed,
the power given us to despise the things of this world,
even death itself,
the road back to the former blessedness made smooth,
the gates of paradise opened, 
our nature nature seated at the right hand of God,
and we made children and heirs of God.

By the cross all these things have been set aright...

It is a seal that the destroyer may not strike us,
a raising up of those who lie fallen,
a support for those who stand,
a staff for the infirm,
a crook for the shepherded,
a guide for the wandering,
a perfecting of the advanced,
salvation for soul and body,
a deflector of all evils,
a cause of all goods,
a destruction of sin,
a plant of resurrection,
and a tree of eternal life.

We venerate the cross as a safeguard of faith, as the strengthening of hope and the throne of love. It is the sign of mercy, the proof of forgiveness, the vehicle of grace and the banner of peace. We venerate the cross, because it has broken down our pride, shattered our envy, redeemed our sin and atoned for our punishment.

"The cross of Christ is the door to heaven, the key to paradise, the downfall of the devil, the uplifting of mankind, the consolation of our imprisonment, the  prize for our freedom. The cross was the hope of the patriarchs, the promise of the prophets, the triumph of kings and the ministry of priests. Tyrants are convicted by the cross and the mighty ones defeated, it lifts up the miserable and honors the poor. The cross is the end of darkness, the spreading of light, the flight of death, the ship of life and the kingdom of salvation.

Ok, I think i finally figured it out (you can't live your life without god!!!) its not possible me and my dumb self tried to push god out of my life but i soon realized i couldn't do it on my own despite my friends pleadings with me to go back to god i didn't until last night when my knees hit that altar and i was like god i'm sorry, i swear i have never felt a peace like i did last night, god was there and i knew it, i mean maybe i didn't see him but there was no doubting that he was there.And the people i thought had left me where right there beside me praying with me. I could never explain what i felt but this time no mess ups god is my life i don't care if the entire world knows or makes fun of me cause of it they will need god one day and they will find their knees hitting the altar like i did last night, you will go no where without god but he will take you places you never imagined you could go.But from this day one god is leading me where he wants me to go not where i want to.

love you guys,

brandi

Have you wondered where everyone would be if you didn't exsist what would the world be like did you do something to affect the world did you change it when you were born?would the world be different?would it be better? Would your family be better I dunno i always wanted to know what it would be like if i never existed that the world would be better in some way. I know theres a reason i am here but i don't know why and i am afraid that i will die before i fullfill that purpose.

brandi                            

hey guys,

  so anyways got in a fight with my mom last night and she took my cellphone :( not to happy a little pissed actually but she read all my texts and some weren't really that good(oops...)but I told her i was tired of my life and i was done with god i think i upset her but what can i do. Lifes life right? so mine is crazy right now mom didn't even get up this mornin and wake me up she usually does so I think she is mad but i told her I can't live my life for her anymore. I am going to live my life for me and not anyone else, not even god.

So i talked to my best friend last night he is so mad at me but what can i do i have looked for god everywhere but I can never find him.I look,I try,I pray(sometimes) but i can never find him,I told my associate pastor kevin about it and he asked me where i left him cause that was where i would find him but i never left him .......did i? anyways this is all so strange there has to be other ways to handle this........right? I am in a box in the middle of a room but the walls are high and there are no windows I can hear voices of my friends calling me but it seems I can't find my way out.......there is no door.what else can i do? 

This song sounds so much like me but when i fall i need to put my trust in god instead of fighting this on my own i know that its to  hard to let god intefere though.....

So easily I fall, So easily you reach your hand out,
Quickly will I drowned, Know the pulls of all my reason,
So easily will I feel, So easily will your peace surpass me,
Quickly will I trust, And anything I think is worthy,
How many times you make the ways come down,
So why be afraid now ?

CHORUS :
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall,
What am I suppose to do ?
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall,
What am I suppose to do ?
(What am I suppose to do?)

How precious are your thoughts ?
(How precious are your thoughts?)
And how many of them, you think about me,
Faithful are your ways,
I always feel your grace abound me,
Quickly will I call,
Quickly will you answer my cry,
Carefully will you bring, everything I need in my life,
How many of times you make the ways come down,
So why be afraid now ?

CHORUS :
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall,
What am I suppose to do ?
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall,
What am I suppose to do ?
(What am I suppose to do?)

This narrow road Im walking,
This world tries to draw,
Whoever will help me fight it,
But you wont face it all,

CHORUS :
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall,
What am I suppose to do ?
I saw you breaking my, breaking my fall,
What am I suppose to do ?
(What am I suppose to do?)

lost......

alone......

confused....

does life get any worse?

yeah, the last day before spring break i am so exited cause i get to "sleep in" if McDonalds don't call at like 8:30 and make me come in. ok so what if there was no life only people no material things like makeup or jewlery or anything just people just existing to love. I think the world would be a better place because no one would be better than anyone else and they couldn't treat others bad because they were all the same. I mean because there are so many peole who judge and look down on others cause they don't have what others have they may not be as pretty or they may not have a lot of money but in my experience they usually turn out to be the coolest and best friends they don't turn there backs on u they don't judge you for the mistakes you made in the past. They don't talk about you, I mean don't you hate having friends who would turn on you in an instance they are so much better than you so they can talk like they now everything about you when all they see is the person you pretend to be around them . I dunno i think the world should focus on more than material things they won't last forever, but friendships will and the ones you make determine who you become so don't live your life to be popular hang out with the kids that aren't cool to, they may be the best friends of your entire life they will be the ones by your side when you get married of have kids everyone needs friends but don't look at the material things they have.

brandi

yeah, the last day before spring break i am so exited cause i get to "sleep in" if McDonalds don't call at like 8:30 and make me come in. ok so what if there was no life only people no material things like makeup or jewlery or anything just people just existing to love. I think the world would be a better place because no one would be better than anyone else and they couldn't treat others bad because they were all the same. I mean because there are so many peole who judge and look down on others cause they don't have what others have they may not be as pretty or they may not have a lot of money but in my experience they usually turn out to be the coolest and best friends they don't turn there backs on u they don't judge you for the mistakes you made in the past. They don't talk about you, I mean don't you hate having friends who would turn on you in an instance they are so much better than you so they can talk like they now everything about you when all they see is the person you pretend to be around them . I dunno i think the world should focus on more than material things they won't last forever, but friendships will and the ones you make determine who you become so don't live your life to be popular hang out with the kids that aren't cool to, they may be the best friends of your entire life they will be the ones by your side when you get married of have kids everyone needs friends but don't look at the material things they have.

brandi

yeah!!!! I finally got my blog to work it was messed up for like an hour i almost died!!!(Lol) what if there were no days or night it was just like one big continued life i think that would be so cool. anyways so what if it was true that god was the only thing you really needed i thought that once but my life turned around and i'm not so sure anymore ya know i mean its like god just left me to fend for myself in the hardest time of my life. The time where i have to make the decision to follow god and the standards and morals of my church or just to put that all behind me and live for me and only me. I mean i did give god a chance over and over again but hes kinda like me in a way i am given chances and i just throw them away. I don't know anymore i have become someone so different in the last few months i am hurting the people who have always stood beside me but i guess its better to hurt than be hurt .........right? you never really can tell the wrong from the right anymore society has our minds so wrapped up that right seems wrong and wrong seems right. anyways this blog is way to long so i think i'll go before i spout of more well catch you guys laterz,

brandi

  I am brandi

 I love music

    I  am a rocker

           I love the color black

                      And am trying to learn guitar

              I am am loser

                But am cooler than some

                       I don't claim to be perfect

                        because i have to many flaws

                     I don't want to die

                    But i don't want my life

                   I want to live for god

                            but i mess up far to much

                          I want to live my life for me

                            not for everyone else

                             I want to be different

                              cause the same isn't cool

                           Life is a soapbox

                             but only if you live it

                          I am a jesusfreak

                            but don't know how to reach him

                         I am lost

                            I am me

                       I am different

                     I am free

                             I hate material things

                              I love my friends

                             I hate pain

                              I am an airforce girl

                            I am strong

                            But i'm weak

                           I do hurt

                           But hurt others

                            I love unconditionally

                            I hate with no problem

                            I don't judge

                            so don't judge me

                           I have a past

                            I am alone

                          But sorrounded by friends

                          I am loved

                         but also hated

                          I'm am bound

                            never to be free

                        I am in love with a guy

                          who will never see

                        I wish i was free

                    cause all i can offer is me!