i don't know why i titled this entry '-amore-' i just did.  i wish that when i talked or tried to explain something i actually made sense sometimes.  cuz the stuff i say actually makes sense to me and a few other people that are wierd like me...or just know me really well.  what i'm about to TRY to say is probably not going to make ANY sense.  so brace yourselves.  have you ever been in a position where you are so sure of something that nothing can change your mind except for yourself?  like you are so sure but then you start thinking and you aren't so sure anymore.  ugh i hate that because i feel like that A LOT.  it's quite frustrating.  well anyway, i guess i will just write.  i haven't done that all summer so this could be kinda long.  my uncle is coming from texas tomorrow.  i really miss him...he has two daughters.  i've only seen one of them and she is 3...the other one was born while i was in Hawaii and the only thing i know is that she has dark hair...and i know her name, of course.  I really love my uncle.  He is so tall!!!!  He's 6'10"...i hope i got some tallness from that side of the family.  if i have it's not quite kicking in yet.  it all goes to my feet...lol.  but what is so great about my uncle is that he is funny...i love to laugh!  this is a kinda pointless entry.  that brings me to another wish...i wish i had some meaningful thoughts every now and again...maybe i do.  *GASP!!!* I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!!!  i have not posted ANY of my poems on here...wow.  that's absolutely...strange.  so here's one i did a little while back.

"To Not Feel Love..."

To not feel love is not to feel life

To not feel pain is not to feel strife

To not feel confusion is not to feel real

To not feel real is not to feel love

To not feel heartache is not to feel adoration

To not feel anger is not to feel irritation

To not feel pity is not to feel compassion

To not feel compassion is not to feel love

To not feel betrayal is not to feel lies

To not feel awe is not to feel alive

To not feel sad is not to feel hurt

To not feel hurt is not to feel love.

so...yeah that's about all. 

When I'm lost, in the rain...In your eyes I know I'll find the light to light my way...When I'm scared, losing ground.  When My world is going crazy, you can turn it all around.  And when I'm down, you're there-pushing me to the top...you're always there giving me all you've got.  For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm...I turn to you.  For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on.  For everything you do, I turn to you...well enough of me boring you...go on with your lives now.  sorry to waste your time!!!!

so...i've also been thinking lately (i know, odd!)...and i'm kinda stuck.  I've realized that i don't want to be a teacher or a doctor or whatever....i want to sing so bad like it's what i've done all my life.  but i do like to teach.  so, do i go after my dreams or settle for the norm?  because what if i go for it and i don't make it...and then what would i do?  but then what if i settle for normal and know that i had a chance?  i am so confused!!!  i know what i want to do but i don't know what i should do...help!

oh my gosh this has to be like one of the funniest commercials in the history of ever.

"If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be? So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press Play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
7. Don't skip songs.

---Eh, sometimes repeat artists come up.... skip it or keep it. . .whatever

Opening Credits
In The Jungle - Artist Unknown

Waking Up
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Green Day

First Day at School
"Not Ready to Make Nice" Dixie Chicks

Breaking up
"Where You Are" Rascal Flatts (gosh i got a twisted life)

Happiness
"Bicycle Race" Queen
Life's Okay
"My Immortal" Evanescence
Mental Breakdown
"Complicated" Avril Lavigne
Driving
"Born to be Wild" Steppenwolf?
Flashback
"Hips Don't Lie" Shakira

Getting Back Together
"Barbie Girl" Aqua

Wedding
"I Could Get Used to This" Everlife
Birth of a Child
"White and Nerdy" Wierd Al (OMG!!!!) haha
Final Battle
"Run it!" Chris Brown
Death Scene
"Temperature" Sean Paul...lol
Funeral Song
"Homecoming" Rhonda Vincent...wow that's perfect
So Long  
"Ms. New Booty" Bubba Sparxxx (lol)

i have gone and screwed up yet another friendship so it seems.  and it was one that meant more to me than anything but i sure didn't act like it.  it was all because of a stupid prank stupid me wanted to pull...gosh.  i feel so stupid and now i've got the one person that means a whole lot to me mad and i don't know what to do except wait it out and apologize and pray real hard that this won't totally mess things up.  i've lost someones trust and i've gotten my heart broken all in about a matter of 5 minutes.  part of me is mad (that part is not very big) another part is hurt (that part is extrememely huge) and another is so mad at herself that she can't think straight and all she wants is to fix things or go back in time to before all this crap and change it all!  because i hate this and i am sick of living in it; not being able to think or anything...

i can remember when i used to LOVE these guys.  I had posters, every album...all of it!!!  I thought some of you might get a laugh out of this!  aww they're so cute and young and...kinda fruity looking but anyway!  I know like every song...still!  kinda sad, huh?  it's the same way with nsync.  that's what the 90's will do to you i guess.  maybe i'll put one of their vids on here later...lol!

i am very upset.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was all so crystal clear, words like music in my ear...we had it goin' on, but something's wrong...something's changed

Cuz when I'm with you these days, you feel a million miles away, connection's not so strong, what's goin' on?  What's going on???  Cuz every time I try to talk to you, I end up feeling so confused...like you can't hear a word I'm saying...when I try to get close to you, I'm having trouble getting through, I can't stand it, it's so tragic, I feel static between us.

You turn your back then you take my hand, It's getting hard to understand...is it you, or is it me?  Is it time or space you need?  When you're here, you're not around...communication breaking down!  If I say goodbye to you, will that get through?  Will that get through???  Cuz Every time i try to talk to you...I end up feeling so confused, like you can't hear a word I'm saying...when I try to get close to you, I'm having trouble getting through.  I can't stand it, it's so tragic...I feel static between us.

====================================

so, this has been my life since wednesday.  i'm really confused and...well that's about it.  So yeah.  um...how are ya'll?  Sorry this is kinda depressing but about the only thing i've done that's been interesting was the going-away thing and working in nursery today.  and that's all.  yeah i know...boring.  well...yeah 

okay so guess what?...i can do it!  woo go me...i'm going to do this because i have set my mind to it and i've already overcome the first big obstacle...myself.  so i'm gonna do it

Mark the things that you have:
[x] A mom
[x] A dad
[ ] Stepmom
[] Stepdad
[x] A younger brother
[] A younger sister
[ ] An older brother
[ ] An older sister
[x] Grandfather
[x] Grandmother
[X] Cousins
[ ] Half-brother
[] Half-sister
[] Stepbrother
[] Stepsister
[ ] Brother-in-law
[ ] Sister-in-law
[ ] Niece
[] Nephew

1. Are you a child of the 70s, 80s, or 90s?
90's
2. Where were you born?
a hospital

3. What city did you grow up in?
dickson

4. did you have a good childhood?

i don't remember it so i can't answer this question

 

5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

well...i wanted to be a lot of things but the 3 i mainly remember are a janitor (because i read a junie b jones book and she wanted to be a janitor...and i wanted to be junie b jones...so yeah) and a makeup artist (3rd grade) and then a singer which is still what i want to be 

 

6. What do you want to be now

um...a lot of things...a better person for one

 

7. Name the first memorable vacation you took as a kid?
canada

 

8. What was your first best friend’s name?
-Keri

 

9. Are they still your friend?
-yes they are

10. Can you name all the schools you ever attended?
oakmont elementary and dms

 

11. Were you closer to your mom or dad as a kid?
-i don't know

 

12. What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying?
-probaby nsync or backstreet boys

 

13. How old were you when u first heard of chuck norris?
-very young

 

14. Are you scared of anything?
-yes i am scared of rejection 

15. How old were you when you wanted to get your ears pierced for the 2nd time?
- like 10

 

16. Did you buy school lunch or bring your own?
-both...

17. Broken any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid?
-no not really

 

18. Were you a mean kid?
-sometimes

 

19. Favorite board game of all of time?
-probably clue 

20. Did you play house or pretend to be a super hero?
-wow...i definitely played both

 

21. What was your favorite class in elementary school?
-not math...never has been.  um probably art or music 

 

22. Seriously, are you still just a kid at heart?
-of course

 

23. Did you ever come close to dying?
-no i didn't...i don't think 

24. When you were little did you ever do drugs?

nope didn't do that either

so i have a little bit of a dilemma...not a big one...a little one!  I was asked to sing special music a LONG time ago at my church.  They keep asking me because apparently they want me to sing...duh.  But I am never ready or not here or sick or something and now I've finally figured out what I want to do.  But...I don't want to do it by myself so I've gotta figure out someone to sing it with.  There's my dilemma.  Do I choose my mom and maybe ask Lane to do sign language or...(I'm not sure Lane would to this but...) ask Lane to sing with me and get someone else to do sign language or have no sign language...AAAH!!!  Oh, since we're on the subject...I want to sing 'I Surrender All'.  There's a version that a bluegrass group called the Isaacs does and it is SO beautiful.  Oh And I want to sing it a capella..(that means no music)...but I'm not sure If I can do that...but if this falls through then we start over with the "not here, sick, not ready" thing.  GRR.  I really want to sing for my church but something like this always happens.  Wow.  But It is so beautiful the way they sing it and I just LOVE it.  Yes, it's an old hymn but I think it can have the same power and effect as any other song.  I'm purty excited about youth group tonight..but I always am so that's nothin' new.  I don't want to read those two stupid books that I have to read for high school...but I have to read them!  So I guess I'll get to that...eventually.  Gosh I am a procrastinator.  Well...I guess I'll talk to you people later.  Or now...or whatever.

~carmen luvs austin~

p.s. hey austin make sure you bring your hat to youth group... :P

so...my week was...let's just say it was AMAZING...well for the most part...except for the sunburn part.  but it doesn't hurt anymore.  and wow this is a lot shorter that i thought...but that's okay.  how was your week?  funny, no one ever really answers that question when you ask it.  i really didn't mean for this to be so pointless...or short...or boring.  but i don't have much else to say.  except i heard a song just a minute ago and...i loved it it was so sweet.  wow....great.  okay bye

haha there's a school bus in the background...lol

so anyway...here goes nothing.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Whats your favorite color?? orange

 

Do you like to swim?? um yeah

 

Do you want to stay where you are or move?? i want to move but not like far away...just somewhere...else 

 

Do you like to take pictures?? OF COURSE

 

Do you have a camera/iPod?? i own both 

 

Do you love someone??  um yeah i do

 

Do they love you back?? no they don't...

 

If you had a million dollars what would you do with it?? i would...i don't know anymore

 

If your happy and you know it what do you do?? i sing the song

 

Do you like toast?? sorta...sometimes

 

What are you wearing?? jeans and a t-shirt 

 

Before you took this what were you doing?? cleaning 

 

DO you play any sports?? no

 

What is your favorite Food like Mexican, Cajun, Italian ect. ?? Italian cuz it's fancy...well sometimes

 

If you could be doing anything right now what would it be?? living my dreams 

 

Do you think surveys are gay?? sometimes

 

Do you like to stay inside or go outside?? well what might the circumstances be??

 

Have you ever been outside of the country?? uh huh...CANADA

 

Have you ever flown??  only once

 

If you could have 1 super power what would it be?? i wish i could make people accept me...or love me...or whatever

Fill this out in YOUR OWN WORDS and repost as "My Autobiography"

Prologue 1. Where did you take your default pic? in my back yard 

 2. What exactly are you wearing right now? some maroon cheer shorts and an orange tank top thing

 3. What is your current problem? i have lots

 4. What makes you most happy? being with austin

 5. What’s the name of the song that you're listening to? When I Said I Do by Clint Black and Lisa Hartman Black AWW

6. Has anyone you've been really close with passed away? yes 7. Do you ever watch MTV? uh sometimes

 8. What’s something that really annoys you? i can't think of it right now

 

 Chapter 1:

1. Middle name: unknown to mankind 

2. Nickname(s): carmel, macchiato, carmel macchiato

3. Current place? office

 4. Eye color: blue

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 2:

1. Do you live with your parents? yes

 2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?sometimes

 3. Are your parent’s married/separated/divorced? married

 4. Do you have any Siblings? 1..but he's not a sibling...i don't know what he is

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 3: Favorite...

1. Ice Cream: mint chocolate chip

 2. Season: winter

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 4: Do You..

1. Write on your hand: yes i do in fact...well sometimes 

2. Call people back: no no one ever calls me

3. Believe in love: yes how could you not

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? huh

 5. Have any bad habits? i guess

 6. Any mental health issues? um...yeah.

----------------------------------------------------

Chapter 5: Have You....

1. Broken a bone: no, surprisingly.  as many times as I've fallen on my face the answer is still no.

 2. Bought new stuff in the last two weeks: yeah i guess

3. Had physical therapy?: no

4. Gotten stitches: yes

 5. Taken painkillers? yes

6. Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling: i went scuba diving in neely's pool!  lol

7. Been stung by a bee? yes i am allergic

8. Thrown up at the dentist: no but i've yelled at the dentist 

9. Ever sworn in front of your parental. no siree

10. Had detention: uh uh

11. Been sent to the principal's office? yeah but not for a bad thing

12. Been suspended: NO

----------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6: Who/What was the last

1. Movie(s) you watched?: Titanic 

 2. Person to text you: um...i don't text cuz i don't have a stupid phone yet

 3. Person you called: i can't remember

4. Person you hugged? neely

5. Last person you tackled: i don't quite remember...

6. Thing you touched: well by the time this is done it will have been the letter or key z. 

7. Thing you ate: cheerios  

8. Thing you drank: regular milk

9. Time you cried: lasnight

10. Wished on a star: lastnight.

ouch.  okay nevermind about the tan.  i am so pale that i wanted a tan SO badly that i hallucinated and thought i got a tan.  no...not a tan.  i mistook my skin color for a nice golden brown instead of its true color-a bright red.  yeah.  SUNBURN...ouch.  it hurts bad but i look really funny because just spots of me are burned and some are tannish like my arm and so i laugh but that hurts so it doesn't last too long.  yeah...dang it.  oooh yay my daddy got me some lidocaine from the store...yay.  OUCH

yeah, I know, I already told you about my Titanic adventure...but I couldn't resist this.  It's so sweet...awww.

 

hey you fun children! 

"Don't try and rush love...give it time and it will grow into exactly what you planted."  CARMEN

=============================

So I was at neely's lastnight and we watched Titanic.  I had forgotten how sweet a love story that was.  It was so hard to remember that it was just a story because it was so REAL.  I cried even though I told myself I wouldn't. 

"IF YOU JUMP, I JUMP" Jack to Rose...aww.

There was one more line that was in the movie a couple times and these both just stood out to me.  I thought they were super cute. 

"Never let go..." jack to rose/rose to jack

Well this is pretty pointless but i just wanted to write about it.  oh and i went to a pool party and i actually played kickball!!!  omg.  oh and for all you people who know how pale i am...i went swimming today and i got a tan!!!  just barely but it's there!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAAAH!...okay well i'm gonna work on it.  i WILL be darker than what I am now because you can see through me.  tehe. 

==========================

"He'd never tell you, but he can play guitar...I think he can see through everything but my heart.  First thought when I wake up is "My God he's beautiful" so I put on my makeup and pray for a miracle.  Yes, I could tell you his favorite color's green.  He loves to argue, oh and it kills me.  His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes...if you asked me if I love him...I'd lie."

...cowboy take me away...

grr...stupid slow computer.  Neely gave me her iPod so i could put some of her songs on there for her because her computer is too old..and she doesn't know how.  Well, it's taken about 15 minutes and i'm not even done with the first cd yet.  I was thinking to myself "What have I done?  I hope there's not a bunch of cd's"  well i just counted them...there's 29.  well, it's all for a good friend, i guess.  maybe i should have taken the payment she offered me...but heck i get a bunch of new songs to give to kaelynn!  woo.  yeah whatever.

okay, this is NOT my 4th entry of the day...it's almost 4 o clock in the morning on Wednesday!  So booyah.

I got inspired to write my life story so far...plus i don't have much else to do.

=====================================

WEll, where should I begin?  I KNOW!  I'll start with my parents.  My mom and dad were married on September 1st in 1988.  (I think...I'm not very good with dates and such.)  My mom gave birth to a pretty little girl with white blonde hair on November the 22nd, 1993 (me, duh.).  I was born so close to Thanksgiving...in fact, this year (2007) I will be celebrating my birthday on the fine holiday.  A few years before I was borned, my dad's mom, (My Mimi) died of brain cancer.  I never got to meet her but that's where I got my pure, low singing voice.  Then, a few weeks before I was born, my Granny was proudly pronounced a breast cancer survivor.  She still tells me to this day how happy she was to be able to hold me.  I don't remember much from when I was a baby, of course...let's see...ah, Burns, TN.  We lived in a little house in Burns; me, my mom, and my dad.  Then my brother was born on June 18th, 1997.  The house was getting too small.  I don't remember too much about the move except I DID NOT want to leave my Lion King room.  That same summer, my family and I went to Michigan, New York, Canada, and every state between.  WE didn't fly, we drove-in an old "air-conditioning impaired" woody Jeep.  I remember swimming at my aunt Marty's lake.  And I remembe the BIG, orange moon.  Then, that August I started school at the age of 4.

 

 

 

 i can't flippin delete this stupid blank entry dang it

hey guys can you pray for my cousin(s)....one of them is going through something that i can not say on here...and shawna, the redhead, is having bad stomach pains and she keeps running out of breath so if you don't mind please pray for them!  thanks

hey people this is a band called "FM static" and they are SO awesome!  They aren't very well known but they really should be...i introduced them to my friends at school and they all said they really liked them...they are REALLY good...AND I LOVE THIS SONG. 

p.s. keri i need my CD back

~carmen loves...~

well i can't believe i'm going to be doing that three times this summer.  i'm not overjoyed, to say the...most.  i miss my friends.  i took a lot of pictures...and that's about the most fun thing i did...OH YEAH i got 3 new shirts...one is really cute and i think i'll wear it to the movies next time i go...and one is orange and it says "My imaginary friend just beat up your imaginary friend"  OMGosh i love it.  Then the other one is just army green and it says old navy in camo letters...i just got that one cuz i didn't like any of the other ones and the deal was '2 for 12'...so yeah...i'm a bargain shopper!  I'm working tomorrow and tuesday and probably a lot this summer and most likely after school once it starts.  this is supposed to be about pigeon forge but i get sidetracked plus there's not much to say.  except they have the most frickin' awesome mr. gatti's in the whole world...yeah.  i got some new size 11 flip flops...not that you really care to know that...but just sayin'.  OH we did my absolute favorite thing we do when we go to p.f. and that's mining for gems...well sorta like panning.  I got some garnet and i think that's super pretty.  i want a ring.  i got one of every gem...birthstone really, and i even got ruby!!!  we have so many stones.  i think i will give some away.  or figure out how to make them into jewelery.  whatever.  and i wanted this anklet that had peace signs on it but my mom said that someone might think i was smoking something.  i think that's zaney.  they had the most beautiful porcelain (and not porcelain) dolls i have ever seen in my life.  i loved them~i collect porcelain (and not porcelain) dolls if you didn't know~.  well i think i'm gonna go now.

so right now i'm eating pez and thinking of austin and his hello kitty pez dispenser.  lol (inside joke)

 ===============================

1. Hi my name is...... carmen

2. Never in my life have I...... ran across the street to tell that old lady to turn down that darn tupac music because it's annoying
3. The one person who can drive me nuts is.........everyone annoys me sometimes
4. High school........is scary and i want it to die
5. When I'm nervous........i bite my fingers (knuckles, actually)
6. The last time I cried was.........a few days ago or something like that

7. If I were to get married right now my wedding party would be..........which one? the reception or rehearsal dinner or what?  well the dinner party would be at SHOGUN
8. My hair is....sandy blonde and shoulder length cuz i chopped 4 and a half inches off
9. When I was 5..........i was in 1st grade
10. Last Christmas........i got a camera and Grace still won't let me photograph her brilliantly beautiful face
11. I should be....in 7th grade...but i'm in 8th cuz i'm cool like that
12. When I look down I ......see my big gynormous huge size 10 1/2 feet. that i trip over a lot.
13. The craziest recent event was....probably neely's party

14. If I were a character on 'Friends' I'd be...Pheobe...definitely
15. By this time next year......i will almost be a sophomore...scary!!!  *shudders*
16. My current gripe is......i don't want to go to silly high school and i don't want anyone to move away dang it
18. There's this girl I know who...likes this guy

19. You know I like you when...i tell you i like you
20. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be......some random hobo on the street probably; knowing me
21. Take my advice...don't eat soap...it tastes bad
22. My most wanted item is...does a person count? lol probably a phone which i am getting in like a few weeks or a car cuz i want a car real bad
23. If you visited the place I was born...um...you would be in nashville.
24. I plan to....take pictures all my life and read all my life and love all my life and become a literature teacher for the rest of my life.  (but i want to sing more than anything in the world.) and i want to get married and have a family and be rich.  but those are MY plans.
25. If you spend the night at my house...um you wouldn't.  unless you're neely
26. I'd stop my wedding if....i tripped walking down the aisle and landed on the flowergirl who threw the basket of rose petals at the ring bearer and the ring flies off the pillow and hits the groom in the eye so in his state of dilemma he flails his arms around and smacks the first bridesmaid causing a domino effect on all the bridesmaids and the last one lands in the groom's father's lap.
27. The world could do without...well not me definitely
28. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than...shop at gap, old navy, kirklands, or any of multiple shoe stores.
29. Most recent thing I've bought myself...coffee
30. Most recent thing someone else bought me...coffee
31. My favorite blonde is...myself.  or rilee
32. My favorite brunette is...austin...or tobey mcguire (SPIDERMAN) or that guy from smallville...yeah.  but austin's my favorite

33. My favorite redhead is...i know lots and i love them all.  well they make me jealous because i want red hair...but i still love them!
34. My middle name is...unknown to mankind
35. This morning I...ate some cereal

36. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are...children

37. Once, at a bar...i met this guy named enrique and we stole his brother's car and tried to jump the border but we hit a squirrel and fishtailed into the rio grande and it took us to baja california so we looked for a taco bell and we found one but i wasn't hungry so we drove up to canada and we ordered some sweet tea but they looked at us like we were idiots so we ordered a biscuit but they dont know what that is either so we left and we drove back to new york to ride niagara falls but little did we know that's not a rollercoaster so we drove BACK to our little bar and enrique fell asleep, leaving me alone in the stolen car with smushed squirrel on the front to go wherever i please, so i went to england to meet the queen who arrested me for stealing a car.  but a lot of that wasn't in the bar, so really i just met a guy named enrique.
38. Last night I was...at six flags riding the go-karts

39. There's this guy I know who...likes this girl
40. I don't know...lots of things, really.  why everyone is leaving me dang it

41. A better name for me would be...smarticus piano head singing cat dog mail carrier's dog's grandma's wife's brother's mime.
42. Tomorrow I am...going to be in gatlinburg...hopefully ice skating or something
43. My birthday is...your favorite holiday

44. What I really want for Valentine's Day is...a valentine: austin

45. I am allergic to....my brother 

so this is the third time i've had to type this.  so read it.  i'm about to go to gatlinburg and i'm not particularly excited except for the fact that i get to go ice skating and play tennis and take lots of pretty pictures.  but anyway...i miss my awesome friends.  we all need to get together and do something this summer...like see a movie or something.  so i guess i'll talk to you people about my mini-vacation when i get back.  OH YEAH my aunt is opening this children's boutique thing and i get to work and MODEL her fall line.  i've always wanted to do something like that but never got the chance.  so it's here and i get money!  i like money and i like the stuff i buy with it.  but anyway...I LOVE YOU PEOPLE, especially one of you

~carmen loves austin~ BYE